Dating/Boyfriend & Girlfriend/Coupledom/Exclusivity -What are the Differences?!

[mca1975]

Hello all,

 

I have been wondering about this question, as have been seeing a guy for over 4 months now though he will not 'say' he is in a relationship with me. We dont see each other loads, we have our own lives, but when we meet up we have such a lovely time and get on very well. We act like a couple when we are together, and he refers to us as "we" when talking to other people. I think he enjoys that feeling. We speak on the phone obviously in between those times that we see each other. I think its the word 'relationship' that scares him and to be honest it does me a little, lol. We have tried leaving it because I used to push for it and wasnt happy, but he always came back. Now im getting kinda cool with it, with the 'unlabelling' I mean. I have always been used to being all consumed by my "boyfriends" and vying to spend every minute with them, so I'm really learning from this and in the process I am learning new things about myself and how to enjoy my own company a lot more.

 

He gets jealous about other guys and I do too about other women, so maybe we are kind of exclusive but without saying it? Who knows. I would say that I am happy with the situation as it suits me a little, but I want us to exclusive. Obviously I have asked him and he has said that he will always be honest with me and he is not seeing anyone else and that he finds it hard to get close to me, never mind anyone else!

 

All I know is, is that if it so happens that I find out or hear that he has/is seeing someone else, then I would not see him again.

 

Any experiences/thoughts?

 

I am posting rather a lot at the moment I'm afraid, as I have only just started dating really for the first time in my life, as have always been in relationships!

 

Thanx!

[CaptainNapalm]

From my experience, whenever I got involved with people who had commitment issues it never ended up working out. Don't know what much more advise to give you but if after 4 months he is not ready to tell you: "we are exclusive" then I would walk away if exclusive relationship is what you want. If he tells you that you guys are exclusive then I wouldn't worry too much about him commiting to a relationship.

[brian123]

yea 4 months is a long time. I'd ask him what you guys are.

[rosephase]

It sounds fine to me. I would just be clear with him that if he starts seeing someone else you aren't going to be interested in continuing the relationship. He needs to know that, otherwise it might come as a shock, and it might not be something he wants.

[servedcold]

Agree with those who say that he should be able to commit more than he is after four months. If it gets to six without him being willing, at that point please consider your other options, or just start dating others in addition to him.

 

I think it's great that you are starting to date as opposed to moving from BF to BF. You will gain lots of confidence and comfort with yourself doing this over time as opposed to always having to be in a structured relationship.

[lvlyldy]

Lol you sound like you're in the exact same situation I'm in. I've been seeing this guy since December (so...6 months now?), but he never wants to call what we have a "relationship". I see him everyday, we talk everyday (on the phone, text or online) and he has spent most of his free time with me while we've been together.

 

In the beginning, we ended it a few times because I wanted him to agree to exclusiveness, but like your situation he continued to return saying he missed me, etc. Finally, I am also starting to feel the way you do- happy that I have this person in my life even without the label. We pretty much act like a couple, and all my friends can tell we have an amazing chemistry with eachother.

 

Although we are not exclusive, we have agreed that if we were ever to be interested in someone else we would have to tell the other at which point I told him I wouldnt want to be in whatever we have anymore (this agreement is basically exclusivity... he can choose to see someone else, I just dont want to be a part of it). For awhile I was pretty paranoid about other girls, but he's promised there's no one else, and been faithful in an unspoken way.

 

To be honest, I dont know whether I'm really happy with this set up. The more time I spend with him the more attached I'm getting and the more I really do want him to SAY we're in a relationship. Not for the title sake- but because in 2 months he'll be moving back home (we're both in Uni). Since we're not "together" I presume our "relationship" ends there and that makes me REALLY REALLY sad. I dont even know how to bring this subject up with the guy, cause in the past when I have he's said that he doenst want to call this a relationship, and just wants to leave it whatever it is without calling it anything. If he wanted it to, we could make it work- but since we're not in a relationship I don't even know how to ask him about it (or whether he'd even want it!)

 

I think my wanting to be in a relationship and him not has always been the basis for pretty much any of the fights we've ever had. We're great together, and I know we're totally taken with eachother, but personally wanting more and him not always leaves me with a sense of doubt or emptiness.

 

Questions I ask myself (and that you should ask yourself) are,

 

1. Where do you see this going?

2. If he told you tomorrow there was someone else, could you handle it? (since he has gotten around the technicality of exclusivity, he could do that...)

3. Is being in a "stable" relationship important, or is the gray area okay for you?

4. How hurt will you be when this comes to an end?

 

I hope this helps, feel free to PM me if you wanna chat more about our situations. I know what you're going through, and Im totally scared and nervous about how things are going to go in 2 months

[brian123]

A good friend of mine started dating this nice girl. They were together for about 6 months and were practically a couple in every sense of the word, but he did not want to call her his gf. Finally they became "official" and have been together ~1 year and are a very happy couple. So it does happen

[pinkelephant]

You said you pushed for it before and he ran away - but then he came back - and it was back on his terms - no labels.

 

 

I'm not sure if it's just me but I find that a bit of a red flag - that he didn't consider your feelings and only did it on his terms. He came back and then what? nothing changed.

 

Four months is a long time. I suppose it depends on where you are, as well, emotionally speaking. But usually people are exclusive earlier. Are you guys involved sexually as well? it's important for your health as well as emotions that you know exactly how exclusive you are. something to talk to him about, imo.

[mca1975]

lvlyldy, I cant PM you for some reason! x

[mca1975]

Thank you for all your replies everyone, they were helpful. Its certainly a gamble I'm taking, a risk but I really cannot help myself but I think Im stronger than I think. Ive let go of him about 3 times with success but he came back, like a stray dog! lol

 

No seriously, he says that he will never lie to me and that I should believe him and the reasons for not committing. He picks out songs that match the situation and we got a big connection with each other thu music, crazy stuff...

[Batya33]

It sounds like he is keeping his options open whether he actually goes on a date with anyone else is not the point. He does not want to close any doors but he also wants the benefits of coupledom with you. That is very different from saying "I am yours, and I am not looking to date anyone else" as opposed to "I am not dating anyone else at the moment" or even "I am not looking for anyone else at the moment."

 

It's fine if you end it if he dates someone else or looks to date someone else, but he wouldn't be doing anything wrong.

 

I think it's dangerous to assume exclusivity because of the potential harm to your heart and the potential harm to your physical health from STDs. In this case you should assume you are not exclusive - he likes "playing house" but doesn't want the responsibilities that come with it.

 

To me exclusivity is when you are committed to dating only each other and you are not looking to date anyone else, and would decline to date someone else or pursue another opportunity without first ending the relationship. It's not just about referring to each other as "we" or doing couple things or spending all your free time together.

[dream83]

Yeah, it sounds too much to me like he's trying to keep his options open. Besides, won't you be hurt if you keep investing in him and then he suddenly decides he want's to see someone else? Another question: how much longer are you willing to allow this to go on? This is just my opinion, but I think you really want a relationship and you're letting him have his way a little to much. I think he should have to give some weight to your own needs as well.

[mca1975]

hi there, yes you are right, I can see all of this, but I am a little similar to him in that I enjoy my freedom too. Its like I want a relationship but the thought of one puts me under pressure so much. I have been single now for 5 years! I did have a 6-month relationship last year which was so awful. He was controlling possessive and jealous and I got really ill and had to end it, then he stalked me, so I'm all for giving people their space.

 

If we were to say we are exclusive, then I would be happy with that, but I actually think that I would be ok if we were to decide to leave it. I have other offers and I do find myself flirting with other men a lot! I have a great social life and lots of loving friends and family, I think I would be ok but for now I am willing to keep this going and see what happpens while enjoying myself.

 

maybe he and I are the same! lol

[Batya33]

It sounds like you are conflicted about what you want. I think you want him to want to be exclusive and then to have a choice, and so you rationalize that exclusive means overly possessive (of course it does not need to). You can be exclusive and harmlessly flirt with other guys - the question is do you want to keep your options open to date other guys - and are you cool with him doing the same (without rationalizing that because he's acting like a couple, he is not keeping his options open).

[Hayles]

I think what you really need to work out is this - Although he has told you that he will be honest if he starts seeing someone else - Do you really want to wait around to see if someone else comes along for him, or do you want to take control of your own destiny and decide whether you should be in a relationship or not? Exclusivity, and relationship - in my experience.... can still be two very different things... You need to be very clear about what it is you are after "exclusive" may mean you guys are only seeing each other, but "Relationship" means that you guys are committed to walking toward a future together - planning a little passed tomorrow as such (not necessarily waltzing down the aisle just yet!)... Don't settle for less than you want or need!

[mca1975]

Im a little scared to go further with this discussion as I am realising that maybe I just want him to want me, and yes, I want to have a choice. Seems so manipulative, but I truly do like him, get on with him, care about him.

 

I think im confused as to what I want, yes.

[Hayles]

Then, for now... do nothing.... Take some time to work out what it is you want or need from him, or simply just for yourself. It seems as though, with his lack of commitment, a little more time for you to sort yourself out isn't going to really change his movements anyway!

[Batya33]

Im a little scared to go further with this discussion as I am realising that maybe I just want him to want me, and yes, I want to have a choice. Seems so manipulative, but I truly do like him, get on with him, care about him.

 

I think im confused as to what I want, yes.

 

That's good that you're being honest with yourself. Just keep your eye on the main point - he does not want to be in a committed relationship with you. This is one situation where you ignore the actions because it is essential that the words be said and it is essential that you feel comfortable enough to say the words "do you want to be in a committed relationship with me" - comfort as in being pretty darn certain of what the answer will be.

 

I am not saying to walk around negative, just not to fool yourself into believing that the "signs" are the truth rather than his words. Fooling yourself only puts you at risk of greater hurt.

[mca1975]

I think I truly am confused, all I know is I get such a rush of excitement when I'm going to see him, but I know I could live without him.

 

If I can get over my b/f passing away all those years ago, I can get over this, if it comes to that

 

thanks so much everyone

x