Rushing into things

[lady00]

I used to be a big-time rusher when it came to relationships. I'd dive right in and I'd seek (and get) boyfriend/girlfriend status within a couple dates (except in one case where the guy said we were moving too fast, and of course, he was right) and I would be very attached within a month (not in love, just very attached). I realized so many negative things come from rushing: (1) not knowing the person and diving into a relationship with someone I wasn't compatible with, (2) getting attached to someone and having unrealistic expectations then getting seriously hurt after a very brief "relationship," (3) losing myself and my self-esteem.

 

The way I used to be scares me a lot. I think I've even blocked out some of the worst memories/craziest moments because it's too much to deal with to think about it all. I've slowed things down a ton since I realized that what I was doing was going to do a lot of emotional damage to me and prevent me from being able to cope with much bigger disappointments in life. I've promised myself to take things at a glacial pace until I find my bearings and so far I've done that. Since I came to this realization, I've been on a handful of dates. Nothing has panned out so far but I stopped with the crazy rushing in/quick attachment stuff and that is a huge relief.

 

Anyone else gone through something similar? I'm all ears.

[renaissancewoman101]

Did you find it hard to control your feelings now when you date, so as to NOT rush and define your "relationship" after a few dates? I'm like you in many ways. I try to rush in, date, and get "relationship" status within a month or so, mainly because I am so insecure and afraid of the other person leaving. Sometimes I feel like "if the relationship is defined, he is more apt NOT to leave".

 

In my last relationship, both my ex and I were quick to define the relationship. He was kissing and making out with me on our second date and wanted to have sex on the third. I made him wait until a month had passed before we had sex. But we did define our "relationship" within two months. I think we were both happy to have met each other. I was in awe that someone could like me and want to be around me, and he was in awe that someone could treat him so well.

 

Needless to say our relationship only lasted about two years, due to MAJOR incompatibilities on both sides.

[thejigsup]

When I was younger I used to do that, rush into things. Now I only do that when someone is really compatible with me, not just willing to date me. I've been very lucky with this. The last two relationships I've cemented early on have lasted for years! If I broke up with my current bf, I probably would think twice before doing that, though.

[lady00]

Did you find it hard to control your feelings now when you date, so as to NOT rush and define your "relationship" after a few dates?

 

I do find it difficult because it has required me to un-train myself of the way that I used to approach relationships and that requires relinquishing the sense of control and needing to define things immediately. It requires thinking about relationships in radically different way. But it is doable and it is much healthier than my previous approach.

 

I know now that I can control my feelings early on by not assuming anything and by not investing anything until there is a mutual decision to invest something and both people have given serious thought to it and decided together to move forward and define it as a relationship. I must admit, however, that I will not make the first move. I guess I am "traditional" in that regard...I will wait for the guy to make a move toward exclusivity and after that, toward calling it a relationship. And if I'm feeling the same way, I will agree.

 

Whenever I feel the urge to rush things, I just take a deep breath and remind myself to pull it back.

 

Thejigsup, when you and RW talk about your relationships having lasted years, it really hits home with me--I've never had a "relationship" (putting that in quotes because I would not call what I have had relationships anymore--more like dating situations lol) last more than a few months so the thought of years is something that would be new to me--but I aspire to it.

[renaissancewoman101]

Lady00, my two relationship that lasted years, the first ex and my last ex (which lasted two years), both were not really healthy relationships. My last ex was a good guy and I think why the relationship lasted two years instead of one was because my ex's mom liked me and thought I was a good influence, and she pressured her son to stay with me (there were signs that pointed to that). My ex stuck around because I treated him well, etc.

 

It's very hard not to rush things. I tend to rush things because of my insecurities and my fear of losing them, esp if I like them a lot.

[lady00]

One thing I've realized about all this is--we really have to take care of ourselves. The other person in all of my "relationships" has always looked out for his best interests whereas I've sometimes felt the need to sacrifice my own happiness for theirs. IMO, there's no need for this...it's about taking care of myself and, of course, treating the other person well, but also realizing I am my own best friend and at the end of the day, I have to take care of me and I have to be responsible for me, not for someone else.

[renaissancewoman101]

I've found it hard not to sacrifice a bit of myself for my SO at the time. Like if you see if they are down and out, or are depressed, one of the first things you feel is "wanting to help them". I think it comes from our caring and nurturing natures.

[lady00]

I think it's a very fine line though. What I mean by sacrificing one's own happiness is accepting sub-par treatment just to keep the relationship together. It's when you go beyond compromise to take care of someone else. I think that is what we sometimes need to do for children because they can't fend for themselves and they need their parents to make sacrifices for them. For partners--I think the equation is a bit different.

[lady00]

Another thing that keeps me grounded is fear. But I think it's a healthy fear--that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach I get when I'm feeling like I'm getting too attached too soon.

[Brightest Dark]

I tend to get quite attached fairly quickly if I like a guy. I don't know how to stop getting attached so quickly. I wish I did. lol.

[renaissancewoman101]

It's hard for me to find someone that I click with, but when I do, sometimes I can get attached quickly. It isn't because I'm lonely, it's because I want things to work out with people. I like routines and I like being able to have a routine with someone.

[SupaflyTNT]

I have to say that I know what you're all talking about. I don't know what it is, but when I find someone I like I tend to get emotionally invested in them really quickly. I think it has to do with the fact that I don't find compatible partners very frequently, even though I'm quite outgoing and have a lot to offer. I don't let people know I'm that invested and I try not to allow it to influence my decisions in the relationship, but it makes things much more difficult to let go of when they aren't working out. Then, of course, by that time I get so hurt that it takes a good amount of time for me to get over things. I wish I wasn't like this but I don't know how to change the way I am. I've even tried dating women that I know I'm not that into (don't ask me why, I guess I figured it might somehow help), but I just ended up hurting them instead of me. Kind of makes you feel like * * * * to do that.

 

Anyway, I thought I might add my story here as a man, if nothing more than to let you know that we can be like this too.