Don't know if I can get through this...

[Mishmash]

I try to be strong about this whole situation, but lately I just can't cope with it.

Back in January we planned a vacation that would've started today, but life got twisted and instead he flew out to Virginia to be with his "love of his life" as he refers to her. On top of that, Friday will be our 20th anniversary and he'll be with her.

 

It seems he doesn't have a care in the world as long as he has his on-line love. He's living in La-La land while I have to face reality head-on. I'm the one who's still responsible for handling the finances, taking on both roles of parents toward the kids, being strong in front of the kids, running the household, doing everything myself. Sometimes I want to run away and live in Neverland too.

 

I don't know what I'm going to do about the future. I'm 41 years old and was basically a housewife which now translates into a dead-end loser. I really hate it because I never thought I'd be in this position. And right now I really, really hate him for how he's handling/handled this situation. He states that "He has love. Love for self, love for Carrie, love for nature, love for the universe".

 

I guess he has no love for his children.

 

His daughter called him and left a message on his phone. When I saw him at the courthouse I asked if he got Sarah's message. He said he did. I asked if he called her back (I knew he didn't cuz Sarah told me he didn't). He said no, because "she only called me one time". He can talk to his gf every night and fly half-way accross the country to be with her, but he can't call his kids or attempt to have a relationship with them? He's been out of the house for 6 weeks and not ONCE has he contacted his kids. When I do communicate with him he doesn't even ASK about them.

 

I could go on, but the Pity Party is over; I'm feeling better now that I've had my rant.

On top of this divorce mess, my father had a stroke a few months back and he's not feeling very well at the moment, so I'm stressing about that.

I guess a lot of this is about not having control and fear of the future....

[guessjeans]

Welcome to the early days of affair fog! My EX just started seeing the office secretary in October. Before that, when he was single, we always did things together. Although we have been 4 yrs since we separated, we got along great together, and i really thought that we were working on reconciling.

 

Well, from being caring, and friendly, to COLD and distant as soon as he started to see this woman. Our son has been ill since July last yr, and never goes to DR appts anymore, she is always at his place when he does go over, which started out 2 or 3 times a week he would see his son, to now, once ever 7 to 10 days.

 

But i have to admit, now that the relationship is going on 8 months, my son is getting the feeling like he is missing him. It was I that would initiate a lot of us getting together. I would call him and ask him over for dinner, go to my sisters with us for her annual July 1st party, spend time together christmas eve, etc.

 

But as soon as he started to see this woman, he has started rewriting history with me, called me her name twice...he has been cold and very non caring towards me and our son.

 

Call it the fog, or whatever, but i dont know why this happens, but i read a lot about it, and its very common for ppl when the first get into a relationship, to dump everyone that they once cared about, for the excitment and newness of a relationship.

 

Chin up...it will get better. He will wake up for this fog one day, and trust me, a day will come when he will meet his demons, and look back on what he lost and what he gave up, for someone else.

 

guess

[Mishmash]

 

Call it the fog, or whatever, but i dont know why this happens, but i read a lot about it, and its very common for ppl when the first get into a relationship, to dump everyone that they once cared about, for the excitment and newness of a relationship.

 

Chin up...it will get better. He will wake up for this fog one day, and trust me, a day will come when he will meet his demons, and look back on what he lost and what he gave up, for someone else.

 

guess

 

Yeah - this is him to a T. It may be common, but I still don't understand it. My kids are old enough to know what's going on and his actions/words towards them pretty much severed any relationship. My stbx thinks it's his children's obligation to come to him in a few years when this "blows over" and mend the relationship.

Sorry about the above ranting - it was just one of those days when the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

[LifesontheUp]

Your stbx is living in affairyland at the moment, where everything is so good, so wonderful. What will slowly happen is that the reality of day to day living will start to creep in, the newness and excitement of the relationship will wear off. No doubt in time he will come to realise that everything in the garden isn't as rosy as he thought. My xH was exactly the same, they live in an unreal world, where nothing else matters but them and their affair partner in the beginning.

 

I promise that you will get through this and come out a stronger and better person. In fact from my experience he'll realise at some point what he's lost.... you and the kids. By that time it'll be too late and thats his problem not yours. He made his bed so IMHO he should lie in it.

 

Sending you hugs as I know how hard this is to go through. Its definitely a rollercoaster ride but in time you will start to have more good days than bad.

[Mishmash]

Your stbx is living in affairyland at the moment, where everything is so good, so wonderful. What will slowly happen is that the reality of day to day living will start to creep

 

Oh, I know that day is coming - for both of them.

I suspect he knew for awhile (about a month) he was going to leave me and was that far ahead of me emotionally. But one day he will be where I'm at, and hopefully by then I'll be well down the road.

 

Right now they claim they were childhood sweethearts but didn't know each other existed when they were kids, so now they're living out their 'lost love' with a 'pure, innocent love' to make up for the time they didn't know each other in their childhoods.

 

Thanks for your insight, LifesontheUp, it helps when people know what you're going through and can sympathize.

One day I hope to reach a point in my journey where I can turn around and help other people.

[lostandhurt]

Mishmash,

 

It looks like the fog is lifting a little for my stbx and the wheels are coming off her plans or should I say lack of plans. The selfishness is disgusting to most people but not to them. Usually even their own family can't even stand to think about it. Take the high road and get as much agreed to as possible while he is thinking with the wrong organ! The faster you move the better for you and your kids.

 

best wishes

lost

[Mishmash]

It'll sure be interesting to see how their relationship turns out. Good luck to them.

I thought my stbx was the only one who was selfish and didn't have a conscience, now it seems that this is a common symptom of being lost in the fog.

I just got off the phone with my attorney, and funny thing, she gave me the same advice you did

[Mrsympathy]

My ex has been living in the fog for two years now,and has an engagement ring to boot.I think I'm the one that might be living in the fog,she has not neglected our child but the hey lets be friends and get along like she did nothing wrong really chaps my you know what.Best advice I can give you is try to move on and those thoughts of him and her together will be there for awhile and when they start to get to you try and keep busy exercising,things with the kids,friends.They'll start to fade but will really never disappear.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>Right now they claim they were childhood sweethearts but didn't know each other existed when they were kids, so now they're living out their 'lost love' with a 'pure, innocent love' to make up for the time they didn't know each other in their childhoods.

 

Ugh, aren't they being super stupid and silly! Next time he babbles anything like that at you just LAUGH at him and say, 'Dream on, you've GOT to be kidding!!!'

 

This is classic affair talk. Reality has not yet intruded into the fantasy bubble.

 

If it were me, i'd help reality along a lot and make sure you push as kickly as possible for the divorce and make sure you get sufficient child support and spousal support.

 

It will take the edge off his little fantasy when you garnish his check! He may be able to walk away from you, but he will need to pay support so that you can start a new life unencumbered by such a sappy idiot as he is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How very sad that some men can not only walk away from their marriage but also from their children. This guy is living in a fantasyland and it will eventually go sour on him. Many single women pull the same kind of stunt...the get a boyfriend and start living in the fog while dumping all their friends....then when the relationship ends, they are scrambling trying to re-connect with the friends they couldn't be bothered with. It is interesting that women give up their friends for a guy they are dating, but once they are married the women seem to realize the importance of friendship...on the other hand, a guy generally doesn't give up his friends when dating...but once married, he gives up on his family if he finds an affair partner to run off with.

[Mishmash]

I just find it ironic that his gf claims that my stbx is reclaiming his power.

 

I was thinking about it, and realized that my stbx sacrificed his relationship with his children, but yet she still has her children in her life.

 

He spend (of what I know from cc bills) $7000 on his relationship with her so far, but what did she spend on him?

 

He walked out on a 20 year relationship for someone who's had several unhealthy past relationships. (okay, I admit I did google her and she has a few blogs)

 

He hasn't 'regained' any power, she's just leading him around by the nose, and he doesn't realize it yet.

 

I still care about his well-being and just wish he put more thought into how he handled everything, but...he made his life what it is, so maybe he does have power. All I can do is sit back and see how it unfolds.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, actually he has no power...the girlfriend is smug because she actually took all the power...he transferred over the power from himself to his new gf. He is the big loser.

[maxattack2000]

I am still in the same boat as you. My stbx was a stay at homewife, which to me does not mean dead end loser. In my book that is the most rewarding career there is. (and the hardest). When two people have an affair they get sucked into a black hole. Nothing else matters, family, friends, nothing. But like lost said the wheels do start to come off of their affair express. And when that happens it is ok to take a little joy in that.

 

I don't know what road you plan to go down. I choose to go down the high road and I am glad I did. I was strong for my kids and they will remember who was there to tuck them in. Just remember going down the wrong road just brings short term solutions to long term problems. My advice get the paperwork going and get stuff settled before the wheels start to come off. Stay strong.

 

Max

[Mishmash]

I am still in the same boat as you. My stbx was a stay at homewife, which to me does not mean dead end loser.

 

By the above statement I didn't mean to be disrespectful to the stay-at-home moms, because I was one. I meant career-wise I have no education to fall back on. I have to figure out what career I want to pursue and be self-sufficient in a fews years.

 

My advice get the paperwork going and get stuff settled before the wheels start to come off. Stay strong.

 

Max

 

The divorce is scheduled for July 7, 90 days since filed. So far it looks promising that it will stay on track. I hate being stuck in this limbo state, and can feel for the people who's divorce drags on. It takes such an emotional toll.

[very lonely]

this sounds exactly like what my now ExW did to me. I had no clue anything was up, then one day its "i want a divorce, i don't want to try anymore". She went for the fastest divorce possible. She gets very angry when i try and get her to tell me why she did all of this.

[Mishmash]

this sounds exactly like what my now ExW did to me. I had no clue anything was up, then one day its "i want a divorce, i don't want to try anymore". She went for the fastest divorce possible. She gets very angry when i try and get her to tell me why she did all of this.

 

Yep, we're rowing the same boat, except in my situation my stbx is a habitual liar. I had hoped that since this was such a life altering decision (for our whole family), he would have enough respect and integrity to be honest. A leopard cannot change his spots.

 

It feels like you got knocked off your feet by the one person you thought you could trust. You just want to understand why this person did what they did, and it's frustrating when they basically turn their back and give no answers.

I thought if I didn't get answers from him I wouldn't be able to heal and more forward.

 

Over time I just accepted that he will never tell me, and I'm okay with that, because in reality I already knew the answers. It just would've been nice if he didn't choose the route of being deceitful, hurtful and underhanded. But that was his choice and he's the one that has to live with that.

 

Looking back I know what the faults in the marriage were, but more importantly I realized that how we both chose to handle them was the path that led to the destruction of the marriage.

 

At first I would have done anything to repair the marriage; after all I spent half my life with him. Now I'm thankful I didn't spend my whole life with him; but I digress...

 

Don't let something that will never be hamper your way to an emotionally healthy you.

[very lonely]

i too know what the faults were, on both sides. i didn't communicate well with her, and she in turn took to befriending several different men "to talk to" some she new very well some she hardly knew at all.

 

and yet even after we are divorced she sees nothing wrong with what she did and won't admit to anything, that is what i really don't understand about the whole thing

[Mishmash]

and yet even after we are divorced she sees nothing wrong with what she did and won't admit to anything, that is what i really don't understand about the whole thing

 

Same here. My stbx flew half-way accross the US to have an affair. When he came home he expected us to be happy for him. He acted like nothing was wrong and wanted to know if we wanted Subway for dinner

 

Two days later I came home from work and was mad at him having an affair and the divorce and all. He had the nerve to ask me what was wrong. Uh, hello?

 

I just consider him selfish and self-serving and so engrossed with his new love that his thinking and judgment aren't working. Makes one feel like an old discarded pair of sneakers, that's for sure.