He's seeing someone new!

[sunflower_girl]

Hi all,

 

Right now...I just feel so lost and angry at myself. We broke up 10 months ago and have been speaking on-and-off since then. I flew back to Texas for Christmas with my family, met up with him and actually ended having sex (I know, bad move on my part). He was my first true love and I missed his companionship--even though he treated me badly at times and I KNOW that we're not right for each other. I'm attending college half a country away, I'm doing very well and I'm leaving for England in August as part of a study abroad program. He did poorly in college and is now working full time at a hardware store. I know that we're not compatible for each other; I'm an intelligent girl who has many things to look forward to in my future. (I'm graduating early and plan on going to law school). Him, on the other hand, is a college drop out with a history of self-abuse and drug abuse. Even though I know that we're not right for him...for some reason, I still love him.

 

We've broken up for 10 months, I've dated someone else...and yet, I STILL love him. I'm home visiting my family for the summer and it hurts to know that he's only 3 miles away from me, yet we haven't met up. We’ve talked several times since I've been back and I'm just so heartbroken. He thinks that I can do better than him. A few days ago, he finally said that he was "kind of" seeing someone...they've been spending a lot of time together and I think I saw a picture of her on Facebook. (A beautiful red head). I'm just so hurt...he's dating again. I don't want him to!!!

 

Is it normal to feel this way? I’m usually not a stereotypical frantic, obsessive, jealous female. What should I be doing? The last time we talked, I asked if he loved her and he said "no...but I'm only 20 and you're only 19. I don't need to love her, I just want to have fun."

 

I just feel so lost and so angry at myself. I was seeing someone else but I treated the guy poorly because I wasn't over this relationship. It's been 10 months, why aren't I over it?! When I'm at school, things are easier...but, being home, I'm getting so emotional and my heart hurts all over again. He said that we can be friends but that he won't stop seeing her.

 

I don't know what I should do!!! Can I be his friend? Or, in order to avoid the heartbreak, should I just step away? Should I hang on in hopes that we'll get back together and things will work out this time around? Am I being fair to the new girl? (I don't want to be jeopardize her relationship by talking to her boyfriend…I wouldn’t like it if an ex girlfriend kept calling my boyfriend). I'm so confused!!!! Please help.

[sunflower_girl]

but is it normal to be jealous? (I started dating first...and he was supportive of my decison.) Why do I feel this way? I should just be happy for him!

[sophie274]

I'm really sorry. It's very hard to break up with someone, and it can take time to get over it. My sister dated someone for 2.5 years, and it took her a full year to get over it. Even though she's dated a lot since, she hasn't had another serious relationship (it's been close to 2 years now).

 

Anyway, I think if you read your post as an outsider it would be obvious what the thing to do is. Trying to go down the friends path while you're still mourning him is just going to make it ever so painful for you. I think you know you're not ready for that yet.

 

As for hanging on to him and hoping he takes you back: re-read your first paragraph! You two are not good together, and you know bigger and brighter things await you. Don't tie yourself down to the past. It must hurt like hell that he is dating someone new - but remember, you don't want him anyway!

 

Do you have a lot of friends at home? Do you have a summer job? Get busy like you are at school so you are not dwelling on him. When you feel down, remember why you two broke up, and remember that you have much to look forward to: England in August!

 

EDIT: IMO, of course it's normal to be jealous! I find even when we are the ones to break up with people we secretly want them to pine for us. It's hard to see that we are "replaceable", so to speak. You don't have to be happy for him, just be respectful of his new relationship and focus on making YOURSELF happy.

[sunflower_girl]

Yes, I have an internship this summer so I'm keeping busy. I also plan on catching up with old friends and spending time with my family. It's just...everytime I think about him, my heart hurts. I feel so selfish. It's like I know we're not right for each other, but I don't want any other girl to have him. I also feel stubborn...I know we're not right but I want to keep trying!

[sunflower_girl]

And another thing, I don't understand how he moved on completely. How can guys just do that?!

[sophie274]

It's like I know we're not right for each other, but I don't want any other girl to have him. I also feel stubborn...I know we're not right but I want to keep trying!

 

Especially for high achiever who are used to getting what they want (because they work hard for it), it's hard to give up on a relationship. I know when I broke up with my boyfriend I felt like I had failed, and it made me angry to see others whose relationships had been more rocky still be together when my boyfriend and I - everyone favorite and "perfect" couple - had broken up. But it's not a failure. You had your time together, and then realized you weren't meant to be. Breaking up and deciding to move on (when two people aren't right for each other) is a very mature decision and one to be proud of.

[sunflower_girl]

Do you think I can ever be truly happy for him?

[sophie274]

And another thing, I don't understand how he moved on completely. How can guys just do that?!

 

Just because he is dating doesn't mean he moved on completely. He might be better at compartmentalizing than you - in other words, he might still love you and be grieving over you, but that doesn't mean he can't have those feelings and also date.

 

Even if he has ... everyone's grief process moves at a different speed. You'll get there too eventually. I would feel a bit jilted and angry for sure (even though I shouldn't), but what else is he supposed to do? You two have been broken up for 10 months, and you have dated others. Maybe that finally made something click in him that said "it's time to move on."

[DN]

And another thing, I don't understand how he moved on completely. How can guys just do that?!

Could he not have said the same thing about you when you started dating? After all, you started dating first after the break-up.

[sunflower_girl]

I just feel so childish, instead of saying "I'm happy for you" and leaving it at that...I'm so hurt and upset. I fell rejected. Even though I moved half a country away, I'm here NOW. Why doesn't he want me back?

[sophie274]

Do you think I can ever be truly happy for him?

 

I think so. Others may disagree! I think it depends on the nature of your relationship.

 

I had a boyfriend in high school who was an absolute jerk to me, and to be honest although I've forgiven him and we're "friendly", I did have a case of schadenfreude when I heard that his girlfriend broke up with him. But then, I never loved him nor was in love with him, I just wanted a bit of revenge for him making my life no fun for an entire school year.

 

I've seen others come out of serious relationships, and they have both moved on and can be happy for one another. I think often both parties have to be/have been in a serious relationship since then. Just don't force it. As long as you're not spiteful or mean to him, and respectful of his dating adventures, you're allowed to feel what you want deep down. Of course, it's healthiest to let go of resentment, but that can still take a while!

[sunflower_girl]

Could he not have said the same thing about you when you started dating? After all, you started dating first after the break-up.

 

Yes...but he knew I still loved him when I started dating. I justed needed to try and move on.

[sophie274]

Yes...but he knew I still loved him when I started dating. I justed needed to try and move on.

 

That probably didn't make him feel any better though!

[DN]

Why don't you want him back? I mean apart from the fact he isn't as intelligent as you and all the other reasons that you mentioned.

 

It does seem as if you don't really want him but are angry because he doesn't seem to want you.

[DN]

Yes...but he knew I still loved him when I started dating. I justed needed to try and move on.

So what is different about what you were doing to what he is doing?

[sunflower_girl]

He doesn't love me anymore. He's seeing someone else and wants to take it slow, actually wants to make it work with her. That hurts.

 

And it hurts to say that it hurts because it shows how selfish I'm being.

[sophie274]

Why doesn't he want me back?

 

Probably because he realizes, as you do as well (see your original post) that you two aren't compatible in a relationship sense. Add to that a host of other factors: you've been dating since and have at least moved on in actions, if not in feelings, you live far away, you're going to England, he's finally been able to move on a bit himself ... and of course the most important part is that you don't really want him back, you want him to want you!

[sunflower_girl]

Why don't you want him back? I mean apart from the fact he isn't as intelligent as you and all the other reasons that you mentioned.

 

It does seem as if you don't really want him but are angry because he doesn't seem to want you.

 

I still love him. I know we're not right for each other but I still love him...I don't want him to be with her. (Honestly, this is so terrible, but I don't want him to be happy with another girl).

[DN]

He doesn't love me anymore. He's seeing someone else and wants to take it slow, actually wants to make it work with her. That hurts.

 

And it hurts to say that it hurts because it shows how selfish I'm being.

Well, it's good that you recognise that. And that means that you aren't really a selfish person at heart - it's just in this instance the hurt is getting in the way of wishing him to be happy.

[sunflower_girl]

ok ok...I want him to want me. But he doesn't. You know when you want someone very badly, and you can't have it...you start craving it MORE? I've een calling and texting him lately, and it makes me feel like a lunatic. What am I expecting to get out of this?

[sophie274]

ok ok...I want him to want me. But he doesn't. You know when you want someone very badly, and you can't have it...you start craving it MORE? I've een calling and texting him lately, and it makes me feel like a lunatic. What am I expecting to get out of this?

 

What would you think/feel/do if he called you tomorrow and said that it was over with the girl he is seeing and that he wants to be with you?

[DN]

ok ok...I want him to want me. But he doesn't. You know when you want someone very badly, and you can't have it...you start craving it MORE? I've een calling and texting him lately, and it makes me feel like a lunatic. What am I expecting to get out of this?

I imagine that you want him to show that he misses you and still loves you and wants you back.

 

And if he did say he wants you back - what would you answer?

[sunflower_girl]

...be happy? (Short term). In my mind I keep picturing us having a fun summer together; even though I know that we won't work on for the long run.

[DN]

And after the summer you would beak his heart by dumping him?

 

Or have yours broken?

[sunflower_girl]

What should I be doing? I asked him last night if it bothers him that I contacted him...he said no and not to worry about it. But, it bothers ME. For once thing, I want him to want to speak to me. For another, I feel like I'm getting in the middle of their relationship. (I don't know her but that's a terrible thing to do).