Calling all relationship experts! Please help me out!

[zhuge]

I really hope you all can help me out here. I have a HUGE problem with what is now my ex-girlfriend and I'm not sure if I can save our relationship.

 

She and I have dated for the last seven years. Last April I asked her to move in with me…and she did. We had a great relationship, shared so many things in common, had a great time together, never argued or anything.

 

Well in January I told her I didn't think she was right for me. I told her I wanted to be with a Chinese girl (not that one was waiting in the wings or anything) because of my love for Chinese culture, language, history and so on. This is something I had convinced myself of for years but never dealt with it correctly and that’s part of the reason why I’m in this terrible spot.

 

Anyway, it broke her heart and shattered her dreams. We both thought it would be a good idea if she moved out. I told her to take as much time as she needed and slowly she did. She still has a few things here like her couch, coffee table and chair, and few other things. She still gets some of her mail at our mailbox but hasn’t been around in the last two weeks to get it.

 

We began to see each other again around the beginning of February. We would see each other once or twice a week, and do all the things we used to do.

 

During that time it was still, I thought, just like were together the whole time...happy, loving, laughing and just great. Except she was waiting for me to ask her to come back home and I never did. That seems to be a HUGE part of my mistake. Really I thought we were getting back together so I didn't really realize I had to ask. Another mistake.

 

Around mid-march she went a date with a guy one night. But we were trying to get back together at that point. But I know she was hurt so I was cool with it.

 

She told me all I had to do is tell her that I wanted to be with her and she would stay. I told her I would say it but I didn’t want to just say it because I had hurt her so badly with other "nonsense" I told her. I told her I wanted to prove it to her instead of just "telling" her. You know "actions speak louder than words."

 

She never said, "well you better say it or we are done." She seemed cool with that and seemed to understand. And we were both cool being together again.

 

I had a sudden business trip I had to take to Thailand and I would be gone for two months. She thought I was "leaving her" for good. But the morning I left she sent me this awesome picture mail of her smiling into the camera with the caption “Thinking of you, XOXO!!”

 

While I was there (I left April 9th) we were emailing and I thought we were good. But, on the 20th of April she emailed me to tell me “You’ve lost me.”

 

I think she snapped one day when she came to my house while I was away. See, she came to my house to get more of her stuff to take back home. Which I had no idea why she would since I thought we were getting back together. I told her that. I said, “why would you come to take more stuff away?” She said, "you never asked me to come home.”

 

But the real pain is I had this "priority list" on my desk that had nothing to do with her. But it was a list of all the pros and cons of me going there or staying here. She got SO PI$$ED when she saw that list and she wasnt on it.

 

I tried t explain to her that she wasnt on it because it was ONLY the financial benefits of going to Thailand versus staying. It had nothing to do with my personal life other than my finances and how it could help us out big time if I went. Like I said though, she was really PI$$ED about that and wrote me to tell me about it.

 

I tried to explain it didn't have anything to do with her but she had already convinced herself that she wasn't high on my priority list and I couldn't convince her otherwise. And I didn't leave a card for here either. But I didn't have any idea she would be coming back to take things away...why would I leave something that she would even know about?

 

So, one week later I came home to prove that I was committed to her which is one of the reasons she felt so bad too. All that time together and I hadn’t asked her to marry me yet. Well, when I got home I asked her to marry me, she said no. She told me she doesn't feel the same anymore…that I hurt her too much. I am totally devastated. I asked her if I screwed things up that bad and she said, yes.

 

She had always written me letters and sent me cards telling me how much loves me...and when I came back I had written her a hand written 10 page letter talking about how she is the right girl for me, all of the great things that we shared, how sorry I am...how we would have beautiful kids together...I mean everything...everything.

 

Also, when I broke up with her these were basically all of the same things she said to me and how could I break up with her. I mean…we got along GREAT. I’m serious too. I’m not glorifying the relationship or anything silly like that. That’s why were together for so long. We had no drama, nothing like that at all. Her parents really liked me and her friends liked me and vice versa. She did tell me that I didn’t spend enough time with her friends and family but sheesh…now she is saying we are done…???

 

I asked if it was over between us and she said "it feels like it" but wont say yes. Two of the last three times we spoke she told me that she loves me and is so sorry. I know she considers me an ex now. What can I do?

 

I told her how sorry I was for what I did, tried to get her to realize that I was not leaving her and she just says that understands but she doesn't feel the same anymore. The thing there is she is not indifferent but angry and hurt.

 

And I never did anything crazy like go by her work, called her all the time or been texting her, try to interfere with her dating or anything...I've just left her alone. The last few times we spoke I did ask her to give me a second chance, but didn't beg or plead, just asked. She said, "you had all those chances and never took them."

 

Now she is already dating someone else who I know she is telling things that she used to say to me. AND the two things I didn't talk to her about, the main thing was having kids, she is already saying that they –she and the other dude- "share the same common desire to have children."

 

Oh, I'm 34 and she is 32. And yes it should have been "painfully obvious" that she wants kids but we never talked about it. She never brought it up either but...anyway. I'm trying to be patient and give her some time. I know I hurt her badly and I am doing all I can to try and let her recover on her own terms. Even if it is with a rebound dude.

 

She also works with this guy and it seems totally like a whole rebound relationship so...I'm not sure what to make of it. I'm really trying not to even think about that at all. But really I just hope she won't let these three months ruin what a happy life we can have together. I mean...three months for all the good times we've had...I just hope it is not too late.

 

I'm trying to understand she hurt for a lot longer than I have so far...

 

Do you all think she can really be trying to take the life and love that we have and give it to someone else that quickly? I know she even told that guy "from the first time we met I felt myself falling for you." And that was a week after she told me I had lost her so I was like???

 

Do any of you see hope for me and really think I can get her back? Can it really be over? All those years of being together…I messed up for 3 months and we are done???

 

Do you think she is trying to get back at me for that? I'm hoping a healthy dose of patience will eventually wear down her resistance and this will be nothing more than faint memory of the past.

 

But I'm not sure if I can believe that. I REALLY, really want to but I just don't know.

 

I came 10,000 miles and asked her to marry me doesn't that count for something? We've been in NC for two weeks today.

 

Thanks for reading all this…what a mess. Please help me out here. I really, REALLY need it.

[thejigsup]

I feel for you. At the age of 32, she should know that most guys are more action than words. We don't like it, but that is how most of you are. My bf has never said "I love you" to me, or he has maybe twice. We have been together 9 years! I'm mature enough to know that, with guys, actions do speak louder than words. I hope she gives you another chance and I also hope you two learn to communicate better. If I had been her, your failure to ask me to move back in would have led me to believe you were just having fun and were not serious anymore. So..I can understand why a guy who tells her how he feels would be very attractive and welcome to her. You've said your piece to her, now you just have to wait and see how this all pans out. I'm wishing you luck. It seems you really love this girl, even if she's not Chinese.

 

If she doesn't come back, take this as a lesson learned. Enjoy your reality, not your fantasies.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the Jigsup. I think you made a lot of mistakes and your communication skills on what you want were sorely lacking. We always have to remember that people don't always think the same way...perceptions can be very far from what is actually going on in someone else's mind. The only thing you can do is hope that her relationship with rebound man blows over and she comes to her senses before it gets to a really serious point with him. Hopefully she will follow her true heart rather than get blinded by the fluffy words of rebound man. You have made your feelings perfectly clear so at this point there is nothing more you can do.

[zhuge]

Thank you so much ladies.

 

Yes, communication is one of her major problems and has been one of biggest qualities. But somehow not this time when it mattered most. We both kind of joked about that the night I came back home.

 

I had shown and told her many times how I feel but definitely see why you all said what you did and why she didn't see what I meant clearly.

 

This is the worst I have ever felt in my life but I'm doing my best none-the-less and have learned from my mistakes. Now I am...just waiting to see how this pans out. Yes I really do love her, I have the entire time...I just took one MAJOR wrong turn. I am just hoping she'll forgive me and come back home.

 

MY GAWD Crazyaboutdogs, I really hope you're right and that she, "comes to her senses before it gets to a really serious point with him. Hopefully she will follow her true heart rather than get blinded by the fluffy words of rebound man."

 

Oh and Jigsup, to your point about, "she should know that most guys are more action than words" she knows one of my favorite songs is, When You Say Nothing at All by Allison Krauss and Union Station. But seeing how I and hurt her with words...I could have helped to heal her with words too. Instead, I let actions try and speak when I should have been speaking. Looking back too she did say, "I believed you in January when you just said it...I would have believed if you said when I asked you too." To which I said, "Well then why don't you believe me now?" She said, "because I am too hurt."

 

Thank you for wishing me luck...I'll take all the luck, prayers, cosmic credit...magic spells or anything else to get her back. But, if I have to I am ready to move on...but I'm not giving up yet, no way!

[zhuge]

Does anyone else have any advice?

[arcadefire]

Looks like you made a huge slip up by breaking it off with her in the first place. I don't blame her for her heartbreak at all and trying to move on past you.

 

Thing is she did drop a lot of hints about how to "get her back", which included asking her to move in back with you. But you didn't take it. It's not as if she remained silent around you and didn't give you any messages at all.

 

On top of that, the priority list you made that didn't include her. I can see why she was really pissed.

 

It seems like, to me, you are not as attached to her as she was to you. You mentioned that she was hurt more than you. And it seems like by reading your post that you would like to get back with her but not desperate. Then again I might be misreading your tone of your post. But a lot of people who are really heartbroken would do just about anything, begging, pleading, sending flowers, etc. to reach the heart of their ex again.

 

I also feel like your asking her to marry her was rushed and meant little. Because to her it was too late.

 

At this point it looks like she is trying very hard to move on. But if you really want to get back with her, act mature and civil, writing some love letters or sending gifts won't hurt. Otherwise I would prepare to move on too until she reaches her senses that you won't hurt her again.

[zhuge]

well she did drop a lot of hints but she never asked me to move back in.

 

True she did give me messages that I didnt take. Very true.

 

I could see why see was pissed too but the thing was that list didnt have to anything personal other than personal finances. Really that was it.

 

I am very attached to her...I know it sounds crazy but, I knew I had hurt her so much I wasn’t sure how to make up for it. It all seems so simple now but it really hurt me how much I hurt her and I felt like such a fool. I was scared that I would screw it up again.

 

I even left the area a few times to just get away and try and figure out why I did what I did. This is a woman who told me I am all she ever wanted and we are such good, real, friends that I didn’t know how to make up for it.

 

Like I’ve said elsewhere, she told me all I had to do was tell her I wanted her to stay and she would. But rather than just tell her I wanted to prove it to her. She seemed cool with that. But really instead of me doing what SHE wanted me to do...I only did what I wanted to.

 

I hope our history together will lead her back to me...i just hope its REAL SOON.

 

No, she wasn't hurt MORE than she just hurt longer as in period of time passing.

 

No I WOULD LOVE TO get back with her. I'm not desperate/needy...I love her and want her in my life.

 

I did beg and plead several times. Do you think I didnt do enough?

 

I will try more if you think it's a good idea. I just dont want to seem needy and desperate.

 

I am acting civil and mature. And I DO REALLY REALLY want her back...more than anything. I flew 10,000 miles just to come home and aske her to marry me so she would no i was serious. Even after I got back I told I wasn't trying to rush her and said, "I am very serious in my proposal, I am willing to wait for you if need more time but I am serious sweetheart I want you to be with me forever."

 

I wrote her a ten page letter on the way home telling her how wrong I was and how she meant the world to me. Should I write more? I will if it sounds like a good idea to you...I am willing to do anything to get her back.

 

Please help me out here. Since you've said these things I feel even more confused and that letting her have her space has been the wrong thing to do.

 

I would do anything for this girl.

 

PLEASE help!!!

[bepositive]

Boy, I am really in Zhuge's shoes as well. I missed some hints (although they were pretty well hidden), and I would do anything to get my ex back. However, she's with her rebound, and I can't interfere. When she called and left a message, she said she was calling "to check on you, and that's all." I didn't think much of it before, but now it sounds like there's no chance of reconciliation. I know there isn't immediately, but I'm praying for having her back in the long term.

 

It's been a rough afternoon.

[zhuge]

Hey B.

 

Much like you, all I want to do is whatever it takes to get my lady back. period...end of story.

I dont care what it takes. NC, LC...pleading, begging--friggin killin' the devil, findin' Bin Laden...whatever it takes.

 

I'm all in.

[zhuge]

Thanks for that last post. Either way, I have tried and will continue to try to make up for it in more ways than one. I have thought of at least half of what you said already.

[arcadefire]

Hi zhuge. I saw your PMs and I see that you are desperate. I really wish I had all the answers in the universe to help you win her back, but unfortunately like the majority of the people on this site I was brought here due to my own recent falling out with my ex as well. I know the desperation, the pain, the hurt, the want, the frustration, the emotions.... I empathize fully. I just wish I could give you the answers you need to win her back.

 

I think, I don't know, but in my opinion as a woman, I would prefer to have an ex who broke it off with me try to win me back with whatever possible instead of doing absolutely nothing. That's just my opinion. I would do whatever possible to get her heart back and do anything possible to convince her that you will never, ever break it again. It's a hard uphill battle. But if you think she's worth it (and make her realize that she is), do it with your head held high and some humility.

[zhuge]

Well i gave up...we'll just say A LOT to come home and ask her to marry me.

 

I literally traveled 10000 miles, wrote her this 10 page letter talked with her for about 6 hours the night I got home. Made her these beautiful CDs for her.

 

But i realized this might be pressuring her. But told I was and am committed. But i think the more I try and tell her the same thing over and over it will only push her away.

So, I will just relax, wait and she where the chips fall.

 

We have been together too long for her not to know how I really feel. She knows I know I made a HUGE mistake. She knows all that I gave up to be with her. Basically all my career dreams is what I told her AND showed her I was willing to come home, be with her and start a family. But...for now she has said no. I respect her and her decision --while I disagree-- and am just waiting for her to come home. She knows how I feel. There can be no mistaking it.

[arcadefire]

At this point she still needs to figure herself out. If you think you've done everything (it sure sounds like it) then there is little else you can do but move on with your life and career. I would keep her in your life and still remain friendly around her until she feels comfortable enough to break it off with her current boyfriend to get back together with you.

[zhuge]

So now you are saying I shouldnt do anything? I shouldnt try and contact her?

 

Nice pic of led zeppelin by the way.

[arcadefire]

Thanks, I have that poster on my wall. Along with other band posters.

 

I don't think you should go NC all the way. It would send the wrong message altogether, that you gave up and moved on. It would be best to keep the relationship alive instead of letting it die out. Remain friends with her, take her out and do friend-stuff things, nothing intimate because she's seeing someone else. Let her know that you are insanely sorry for breaking it off in the first place and that you have made the biggest mistake in your life and that you cannot possibly see your life without her. Along with that continue with your career and life and make sure that you are still the guy that she dated all those years.

[zhuge]

I did tell her I'm sorry, very sorry. There can be no doubt how I feel about her. We are very in love and I am pretty sure she is just so hurt she can't deal with it right now and is trying to figure out what happened. I did tell her it's the worst mistake I've ever made. I don't want to just be her friend. That's not good enough for me. We've got too much history for that.

 

 

 

Like I said Dee...I know what I did wrong, I am the man she loves and dated for all that time...I just need the chance to prove it to her.

[arcadefire]

I think you've just answered your question. She is probably still reeling from the rejection and needs to straighten it out in her head. I wouldn't blame her if she doesn't want to reconcile with a man who broke her heart so severely.

[zhuge]

nice...thanks a lot.