Why breaking NC is like a drug...a cautionary tale

[Suzanne1281]

I've never taken drugs in my life...but I've noticed that the emotional symptoms of breaking NC with my ex seem to be the closest I'll feel to the highs and lows of addiction.

 

Does anyone else experience this?:

After the breakup, you don't speak with the ex at all for a while. You miss them, you are in pain, you are in agony wondering what they are doing. Then, all of a sudden in a couple of weeks you get a text or e-mail or call from them. All of a sudden it's like you're on a high. The pain is gone and it's the best feeling you've had in a LONG time. You're relaxed and relieved: they still care.

 

Then, you don't hear from them after that for a long time. All of a sudden that pain is back. Your heart is pounding. You're constantly worrying-what are they doing? Did I say something wrong? Why does he/she hate me? What do I do?

 

Then either they or you break NC again and it goes back to that temporary feeling of relief.

 

I've noticed this with me and my ex. I'll go through agony for a couple of weeks if I don't hear from him. Then either he or I break NC and I have this temporary feeling of either relief, hope or telling myself I don't trust or need him. And then the cycle repeats itself.

 

thereforeeee, breaking NC is the closest I think I'll know to some type of addiction or dependency. I really don't know what the right remedy is anymore to move on. I wish I did.

[traeh]

the remedy is complete NC... for good. no breaking it. that's the only way to recover. trust me, i've felt the agony of intermittent contact. it's extremely painful and only makes the healing process that much more difficult.

 

stay away...

[Suzanne1281]

the remedy is complete NC... for good. no breaking it. that's the only way to recover. trust me, i've felt the agony of intermittent contact. it's extremely painful and only makes the healing process that much more difficult.

 

stay away...

 

 

What do you do in the meantime with the agony of NC though? I've been doing everything positive I possibly can for the past two months and I always seem to still constantly feel awful. And how do you resist the temptation of responding when they contact you?

[teknoise]

Having done both drugs and relationships before, I can speak from experience when I say the withdrawal symptoms from an ex are basically the same as the psychological withdrawals of a drug.

[Suzanne1281]

Having done both drugs and relationships before, I can speak from experience when I say the withdrawal symptoms from an ex are basically the same as the psychological withdrawals of a drug.

 

 

Wow-that is amazing insight. So I wasn't that far off...

[traeh]

In the meantime.. you run, journal, watch movies, hang around people that care about you (talk to them), eat, sleep, shop... and basically do whatever you possibly can to put the focus on yourself and not them. I completely understand the pain you're going through. I felt it much longer than just two months. I mean, even past the year mark. The fact is, unless you are machine.. it's going to take some time to heal. Two months is seriously nothing.. just a drop in the bucket.

 

How to resist the temptation of responding. What good will responding do? Did they hurt you? Are they asking to reconcile? If there's nothing good that is going to come of responding, and you generally feel worse after doing so, then you need to keep that in mind, when your ex sends a message.

 

By not responding, you're opening yourself up to change as a person.

[browneyedgirl36]

I absolutely agree with you, Suzanne, and I'll add a little something extra: Sometimes, when in NC, there's a bit of relief mixed in with that anxiety and sadness. Honestly, even though I feel sad when I don't speak to my ex for a long time (the longest we have ever gone since we met is probably 3 weeks), I noticed that at times I felt relieved, too. I didn't have to deal with him; he wasn't "in my face." Sometimes, I felt I could actually BREATHE.

 

I actually got into a minor car accident (luckily, not with another car, but with one of those stupid islands in the middle of the road) because I was all wound up about the ex contacting me repeatedly and then suddenly not contacting me for several days. It was somewhat of a wake-up call, and it made me realize just how harmful this cycle is.

 

NC is a good thing.

[scarew]

For me its the opposite, and I have done drugs. HE is the drug, NC is rehab.

 

I don't see him for a while, I start to recooperate. I regain my strength. I wonder how I ever needed him so badly and why I was ever with him.

 

Then I see him. Whether its a good visit or a bad visit, I'm hooked again. I can't bare the thought of not seeing him for a while. I'm needy. I'm codependent. I'm desperate. I feel worse than I have ever felt. Then, I start to recoop again.

[renaissancewoman101]

My biggest problem is that I don't let people miss me. I sometimes will do the chasing. Not good for relationships.

[Artop]

Breaking NC is like being addicted. You really do get the high/relief when you have contact. However, almost within a few hrs, you crash because you realize the next contact could be days or even weeks. You feel miserable during that time, basically drained emotionally waiting for the next high. Then, it comes, and the cycle starts again.

 

The question is have you achieved anything during all this time? You guys are still not back together. He is still not with you.

 

Doing absolute NC is the only way to break that spell. It hurts like heck, but it needs to be done to break the cycle. I know.

[flooglebinder]

Yep, I agree, I'm in the same position. She keeps breaking NC and I give in. She is with another so why does she miss me as a friend? she should be getting all she needs from her new relationship. Last NC was 2 weeks, now in the space of a week she is confused as she knows she misses me but doesnt know what to do about it?! and then yesterday she started texting then I stupidly rung her as I was drunk after the footie. I have a question to the dumpers out there, does the drug of breaking NC apply to you? do you get the high and the low aswell as the dumpee??

[flooglebinder]

Misskitty, I know exactly where you are coming from. People think its easy to move on, they have no idea what it is like, they don't feel what we feel. Even I don't know why I am like this, why I'm addicted. However much I try these 'feelings' will not go, and this heart will not listen to the head, my heart and emotions are far far stronger than the rational side of me. The pain doesnt go, you just get used to it being there. I wish my ex would understand, and know this feeling.

[Mutley]

So much that has already been posted is true.

 

She will contact me...then we will both be on a high for a week or two. Then the next month she's breaking up again. I'm in accute pain right now...but I'm not doing it again. This has to be worked through and finallyzed. It's never going to change.

 

About 3 years ago...I was REALLY addicted to someone. That was the closest that I ever came to acting self destructively in an addictive way with a relationship. She was addicted to heroin..I was addicted to her.

[ycmanvs]

I went no contact for almost 3 months. Then, one day, I was feeling low and I started talking to him again. This was not a very wise choice, because now we are in limbo. we are not together, and we are not apart....neither one of us can let go completely, but we know that we are not right for eachother, so what to do?

It is like an alcoholic who stops drinking and then tells himself that he can have just one drink.

[Artop]

I think when I realized it will never going to change no matter how hard I try, rather than feeling worse, I felt a heavy weight lifted off my chest. I think we somehow are addicted to feeling miserable. If we lose that feeling, we will lose the link to our ex's.