Back in contact with ex - think im going nuts

[telc]

Hi there guys,

 

Ill try to make this as short and sweet as possible.

Ive been in a relationship with this girl for 3 years up until 2 months ago. Last year of the relationship was very up and down - mainly down. 2 months of NC - and just last week we got back in contact. Went rockclimbing and had coffee - just the catch up friend angle thing for both of us.

 

Few days later we went on a day trip to a beautiful waterfall - we just talked a lot - always had great conversations and I realized that there definitely is still some chemistry between us. Underneath the waterfall I kissed her - she kissed back. That night we had a great night having a deep and meaningful conversation. I stayed the night - we didnt have sex but we fooled around. She told me she loved me and missed me.

 

Now I do really still love her and I want her back I guess some things have to change cause I cannot be in the relationship that we were. But really that is not the point in question here. Guess Im just a little confused by her mixed signals about us - its like she is swaying back and forth about us.

 

One moment she is talking about how she loves being single and getting in touch with herself and another she is saying we should go on a romantic getaway somewhere, that she loves and missed me while we were in NC. In all honestly I believe she is in this "totally I wanna be independent, I dont need anyone in my life" but deep deep inside she fighting the feelings of wanting to be with me.

 

Today she messaged me asking if I was working 2moro night and if I wanted to catch up for a drink at a local pub. I said I was working but that I can get off at 8. I rang her a little later asking if she wanted to meet there or wanted me to pick her up or come to my place. She said that she will see how she feels 2moro. I kinda said that im supposed to be on till 10pm but there is no problem getting off at 8 and make up the 2 hours another time - it would be good to know now so I can organise it. She kinda turned defensive and said she will see how she will feel 2moro and that she doesnt want to be pressured into doing something she doesnt want to - I kinda backed off and said to call me 2moro if she was gonna go. This was weird cause she was the one that asked me to go.

 

Anyway, Im just confused about her signals. Does she just wanna be friends? Will I feel like a fool if I try to get her back? Is it too soon to try to get back together? Is this a lost cause? Should I really show her how much we should be together? Is she wanting me to go all out and win her back?

 

Any advice guys - kinda messing with my head this

 

cheers,

[audrey28]

i think the more important issue here is: do not organize your life around her if she is not giving you the same kind of commitment. trust me, you have to set the boundaries and love yourself first.

[pumpkinmoon]

do not try to get her back, let things happen naturally, and they will happen if they are meant too.

 

I suggest you back of a bit, she has given you all the evidence you need, "she loved and missed you during NC"!!!

 

Now that she knows she can see you and talk to you when she wants its doesnt seem as important to her as before.

 

LIMIT your time with her, don't be on hand for her. Don't call her again til she calls you and when she wants to do somthing tell her you are busy and arrange it for a later date, like a week later or something.

 

If she wants you back at all, the above will work in your favour.

[Hosvius]

do not try to get her back, let things happen naturally, and they will happen if they are meant too.

 

I suggest you back of a bit, she has given you all the evidence you need, "she loved and missed you during NC"!!!

 

Now that she knows she can see you and talk to you when she wants its doesnt seem as important to her as before.

 

LIMIT your time with her, don't be on hand for her. Don't call her again til she calls you and when she wants to do somthing tell her you are busy and arrange it for a later date, like a week later or something.

 

If she wants you back at all, the above will work in your favour.

 

i agree with this, take it day by day my friend. you have all the time in the world. take things slow and let them happen naturally.

 

good luck!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

She wants, to use a cliche, to have her cake and eat it too. She wants a nice guy to have around when she pleases who she darn well knows almost eats out of the palm of her hand...yet she wants to be single, I suspect, after several years in a relationship.

 

If you want her back, I'd be direct and tell her that you're either together or you arn't together, because you still feel too much for her to just be a..hobby/ego boost/friend when she's bored.

 

I don't, obviously, know how much she still feels for you but it can't be a huge amount because otherwise you wouldn't be writing this..she would have at least said that she wants to reunite, just slowly.

[brian123]

why did you guy BU in the 1st place. Who initiated the NC and what not?

[XCRunner1]

Today she messaged me asking if I was working 2moro night and if I wanted to catch up for a drink at a local pub. I said I was working but that I can get off at 8. I rang her a little later asking if she wanted to meet there or wanted me to pick her up or come to my place. She said that she will see how she feels 2moro. I kinda said that im supposed to be on till 10pm but there is no problem getting off at 8 and make up the 2 hours another time - it would be good to know now so I can organise it. She kinda turned defensive and said she will see how she will feel 2moro and that she doesnt want to be pressured into doing something she doesnt want to - I kinda backed off and said to call me 2moro if she was gonna go. This was weird cause she was the one that asked me to go.

 

Ok- so you were in NC for 2 months. Then all this contact starts up again...where I think, through it all, she was still playing chess and you went to the kitchen for a drink. Two months of NC gave her the strength to know that she doesn't necessarily NEED you in her life, although it is fun to have that romantic feeling at times, on occasions. AntiLove Superstar hit it on the nose there.

 

What you wrote above^- to be blunt, respectfully man, don't do that again. I've been there before and it makes you look desperate. Don't change YOUR work hours around for this girl. That is your time, YOUR schedule. You are NOT together, so don't go out of your way for this girl. She initiated, and when she asked you to jump, you said "how high?" It seems like that turned her off a bit, saying you'll get off early for her and pick her up...etc.etc.etc.

[CandyKins]

Underneath the waterfall I kissed her - she kissed back.

Aw, how sweet and romantic.

 

This is interesting and it's normal and natural for you to feel like this. I suggest you be friends and you did the right thing of not having sex, otherwise that would of created some devil works. Lol, you know what I mean - crop up troubles/problems and interfere both of you emotionally. See how things go but at the same think if it's worth giving her a second chance. Do you think the relationship will work? Of course not just starting it again, but having a deep and serious talk face to face and it. Like what you and her want in the relationship etc...

 

It seemed you weren't exactly happy when you were a couple. If you do start a relationship with her you need to make sure the relationship before wouldn't be the same, otherwise it would be like cloning it and putting it in the new relationship with her, if you do decide.

 

Just wait, be a friend and see how it goes. Do not rush into things (so don't see her on a daily basis like everything or several times a week). It's important for you to do things slowly and considerately.

[CandyKins]

Oh! I forgot to add something.

 

That about her getting defensive. If that happens again try not to drag it. Be direct and straightforward about it. Perhaps you can ask a question - "Is something bothering you?" or "Is everything okay?".

[telc]

Thanks for all your replies guys. I think you guys are so right in the fact that I should back off and take it slow, in no way do I want to push this so it works against me.

 

She messaged me the next morning and apologised about snapping at me and getting defensive and said she was looking forward to seeing me monday night (which was last night). I asked her out for dinner. After thinking things through a bit I thought it might be a bit too soon for that so I was going to reschedule but she messaged me again saying she was really excited about monday night. I could'nt cancel.

 

That dinner was last night. We had a great time talking and just enjoying eachothers company. I stayed the night again, we didnt have sex. We agreed we didnt want the complications associated with it since we just started hanging out. We just kissed and cuddled.

 

Kinda still been getting mixed signals from her - or thats how my mind was deciphering it. I didn't really give too much away of what my motives are, maybe cause I really dont know. The main issue while we were together was that she had trouble really commiting to me - it felt like she sometimes kept me at a arms lenght. Kinda ironic really since I had trouble committing in the early stages of the relationship. In the end i was not happy in the relationship and it was going nowhere for too long. I was not getting what I needed and thereforeeee I had trouble giving back - yeah not a good situation. So said we should break up.

 

So here I am bout 2 months later - I love her, we have so much fun together - but there is no way I want to go back to what we had and the reasons we broke up. We havent really talked that much about 'us' but what little she said to me is that she realised where she went wrong and that would not happen again - not sure if she meant with me or someone else - we have not talked at all about getting back together.

 

Anyway I have a tendency to overthink things so Im just gonna chill - I think I have given her more hints of the fact that I may want to get back together and try to work things out. I am just gonna back off, go back to focusing on myself and kinda leave the ball in her court. There is a difference of fighting for someone and fighting for someone too much - it takes two to tango.