Telling the Parents?

[elazul]

Hope I'm posting in the right topic!

 

I'm a gay male, 20 years old, in college.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We just moved into an apartment together, actually with another female friend. We share a room and a bed and our friend is in the second bedroom.

 

My parents are very conservative Christians. Over the course of several years, they have confronted me asking if I was gay, saying that it's just not right, and offering to take me to therapy, etc... Every time I've managed to convince them it's not true, I just haven't found the right girl yet, leave me alone. I've been terrified of them, what they'll think and do if they find out that I'm gay, especially now that I've been lying to them for years. It gets increasingly more difficult to lie to them as time goes on. It was easy when I was alone, but then I had a boyfriend, then the relationship got serious, and now we're living together, and they still don't know. I actually lied to them about who I was sharing the apartment with. They're bound to find out sooner or later.

 

It's so frustrating because I'm so in love, it's so wonderful, but I can't tell them, and if I do, they won't be happy for me.

 

Should I tell them now? Should I wait? And if I tell them, how can I do it? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

[Taylor527]

Ask them if they love you unconditionally. If they reply "yes" then tell them "I'm gay"

 

 

See what they say.. You can't hide from the truth forever - better late then never.

[Bunney]

They will find out sooner or later so why not tell them now instead. It's not like they're going to cut your head off or abandon you forever so what is there to really worry about besides them being shocked at first.

 

Sucks that your parents are like this though. They should support you no matter what. Just another reason why I'm not into religion... but eh, they will eventually get used to it and I doubt they will love you any less.

[sophie274]

I don't have any advice for you, but I found your post really sweet and touching. I just wanted to say good luck! This sounds like a tough situation. I hope things work out for you.

[lukeb]

Only you can answer that question, no one can guarantee a positive outcome. You have a couple of things going for you that some who come out do not. You have a partner who loves and supports you.

 

Your parents seem to be able to deal with this issue in a somewhat rational way. Yes they were trying to get you into therapy but its better than flying completely off the handle and never wanting to speak to you again.

 

You are out of the house that is a plus, you can tell them in their own environment and then you can leave them to let them sort out these issues on their own. Let them come to you when they are ready.

 

Dont expect miracles it took 10 years for my parents to come to terms with it, and for some they will never come to accept it. But even if that is the case there is a freedom you will enjoy that you didnt have before.

 

Good luck

[elazul]

Thanks everyone for your advice so far =)

 

you're right, they'll still love me the same. I'll have to tell them sometime. They'll get used to it eventually I'm sure, but they think that I'll go to hell for this, so they'll cut me off in an effort to teach me a lesson, not because they're jerks, but because they think it's the right thing to do. They really do mean well. They're so blinded by what the church tells them that they'll never notice I'm actually in love, that he makes me happy. Maybe. I guess I won't know how they'll react until it happens. I just don't know how to do it. Should my boyfriend be there when I do, or should I do it by myself? Should I make an appointment out of it, or should I do it casually? I just don't know

[lukeb]

Your bf almost certainly should not be there when you tell them.

[bobdylanROCKS]

Hey,

 

I just want to say you have my sympathy! It must be really tough/stressfull. You parents probablly already know you're gay; most parents (espcially moms) have a way of knowing when something is bothering you. And keeping this a secret is obviously bothering you.

 

Ah, I'd recommed showing them this site:

 

link removed

 

and even look through it yourself. I don't know if you consider yourself a Christian or not, but I think you should show your folks this site.

 

Anyway good luck!

[elazul]

Thanks everyone for the advice!

 

I'm not gonna see my parents again for a couple of weeks, so I've got time to think about how to do it. I definitely need to tell them next time I see them. Even though it won't be pretty, it'll finally be done!

[pianoguy]

Hi Elazul,

 

I would say the only reason not to tell would be if your parents are helping you pay for college and you need the money- if you think that there's a possiblity they might cut off funds then it might be wise to delay a bit longer.

 

The most important things to understand when you tell your parents:

 

Make sure you are calm about it- don't get angry, don't make ultimatums, absolutely no shouting.

 

Understand that it is going to take them some time to come to terms with this. It sounds like they already suspect, so it won't be a huge surprise. I know several gay guys that came out to conservative parents, and, in the long run, the parents always come around. You are their son, and if they love you, they will want you to be happy.

 

I would think about the religious issue- it's entirely possible to be gay and Christian. Many Southern churches are so self-absorbed that they aren't aware of this, but there are several important churches which have no problem with homosexuality- the biggest is the Episcopal Church (the Church of England), which is the second largest denomination of Christianity in the whole world, just behind Roman Catholicism.

 

I believe strongly that God loves us as gay men and gay women- not in spite of, but because we are gay. I also believe quite sincerely that I'm not going to hell for being gay (if I am it's for other reasons and I assume you do, too. Your parents probably won't believe you the first time around, but just focus on planting the seed- letting them hear you, and they will think about it, and eventually, over time, it will take root and grow. But don't expect any major changes of attitude right away.

 

Good luck, keep us posted.

[greywolf]

There's something somebody told me once, he said "You don't owe an explanation to anybody about your life." And that's my advice to you in this case. If you want to tell your parents, then good for you! But I don't believe you are under any obligation to tell them.

[elazul]

Yeah, I agree with you, but for the sake of our relationship, I need to tell them soon, I think. After all, I'm living with my boyfriend, and they don't even know. I'm sure they would find this out eventually, and it would be better for them to find out from me.

 

To pianoguy: no they're not supporting me financially in any way, but they do own my car. I write checks to my dad for the car payments and insurance, but he owns the car, and won't sign it over to me, which is really annoying, cause if he gets pissed off at me, he can take it back, and I've thrown away all that money. I've been writing "car payment" as the memo for all the checks and my bank keeps records of them, so I could probably take some legal action if he did that but, come on, suing my parents?? I doubt it will come to that, though.

 

As for religion, I went to a very conservative Baptist Christian school, so you can imaging how much it sucked to be gay at that school. I've kinda been turned off of Christianity since I left there. My impression of Christians is that they're ironically bigger jerks than non religious people. I know that not all Christians are that way, but still...

 

Anyways, I think next time my parents ask about my living situation, or my relationship status, or anything related, I'll just come clean. I dunno though. Who knows how I'll feel when the moment comes around.

[greywolf]

Why don't you get your own car and make payments on that?

I'm sorry you feel that way about Christians. It's true, some are big jerks but not all are that way.

[pianoguy]

Yeah, I'd say get your own car. It's one thing for your dad to make you pay insurance, that's reasonable, but he shouldn't be having you make the payments too. That sounds questionable. Look around for a junker used-car to buy. Do either your boyfriend or you have any know-how with cars? If not, find a friend that can help you go used-car shopping. Even if you don't come out, it will be nice to have that level of independence. If you're able to pay for school you'll certainly be able to figure out paying for a car.

 

The reason I brought up religion is I find that it's easier to have conversations with conservative Christians if you begin with "I'm still a Christian" or "I believe in God" and then proceed to point out how this isn't at all inconsistent with being gay, rather than "I don't believe in God anymore" or "The Bible is full of lies." Of course the Bible is full of lies, even conservatives know that on some level, but it tends to make them angry.

 

If you say you're an atheist now or something,that basically proves their point, "Aha! Homosexuality has turned this man to the devil. Lord Jaysus, save this man... etc etc ad naseum."

 

Anyways, just food for thought. If religion is something that you care about, do know that there are lots of nice Christians out there- not Baptists, to be sure, but there are plenty that aren't the firespewing type.

[islandj]

Hi Elazul,

 

I am with Piano guy, in that you should wait if you depend on their money.

 

My other advice would be to wait until you are ready, do you feel comfortable with who you are? Do you feel proud to talk about it, you're experiences etc etc? If so, then I see no reason why not to tell.

 

The minute you show someone that youre insecure or ashamed about your sexuality the minute they will take advantage of that weakness and turn it agains you..

 

I didnt "Allow" for my parents to disagree for whom I was, it was their problem if they didnt love me, I was lucky enough that althoug surprised in the beginning, they eventually started accepting and the more I talked about it and showed them how comfortable I felt with the subject, the more comfortable they felt..

[elazul]

I'm really not worried about the car. I've actually been in Spain studying Spanish for the last three weeks, so I've had lots of time to think about this. I'm going home on Wednesday. My boyfriend is picking me up from the airport, and on Thursday, he's driving me to my parents house and dropping me off to spend a day with them, to tell them about my trip, etc... Towards the end of the day, I plan on telling them about our relationship (which I think they already know about) and most importantly, the living situation, which will piss them off cause I've been lying about it. If they get angry enough to not let me keep the car, well I've prepared for that. I have enough money saved to make a down payment on a new car, I have for a while, knowing this might happen. Of course I need to buy my own car soon, but as long as they're letting me use this one, I'd like to save up some more money.

 

Anyways, yeah, Thursday is the big day. They're not gonna be angry about me being gay, they're gonna feel sorry for me, and urge me to get help from God and from counselors, etc. They WILL be angry about the lying, but I will explain to them that I knew how they'd react, and I had to be independent before I told them or they'd have the power to keep me away from my boyfriend, which I know they'd do, thinking it's in my best interest.

 

I've had lots of time to think about it, and I'm not scared anymore. They can react however they want, I've prepared for this. I'm completely independent, and I have the support of my boyfriend, and of my friends. If things go really bad, I'll give Phil a call, and he'll come get me, and my parents can call and apologize if they ever want to see me again.

[greywolf]

It sounds like you've thought this through. Good luck to you.

[chiefoptimizer]

good luck man! tell us about it...I will have to come clean with my parents at some point myselh...sigh...