I'm numb, my ex just txted to say he was engaged...

[KaylaJoy]

I cannot believe my ex boyfriend, the one who claimed to love me more than life itself just a few short months ago, would stoop so low, but he has. He just texted me and all it said was "she said yes!!"

 

This was the man who 11 weeks ago told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I said no, due to certain circumstances beyond my control. So after months of declarations of undying love, he tells me that he wants to get married, and basically if I wasn't willing, he would find someone who was. It didn't matter that I loved him. All that mattered was I couldn't marry him. And so within a week and a half later, he was dating the woman that throughout our entire relationship he swore would be the last woman on earth he would date. 11 weeks later, as of tonight, they are officially engaged.

I feel numb. Why on earth would he rub this in my face...I haven't talked to him in weeks and weeks...I don't have any contact with him, as of 4 days ago I even went into NC about checking out his MySpace page because I couldn't bear seeing them on there. So after weeks of no contact with him, and after I have told him I don't want to talk to him and asked him to STOP texting me, he texts me tonight to let me know they are engaged. 11 weeks later. Does he not have ANY idea at all how much that would hurt me? The whole time I was with him I never dreamed he would be that vindictive or that spiteful. I can't imagine doing something like that unless I really wanted to hurt that someone. Which he just did. And he calls himself a minister.

I have felt very blessed, rescued by God even, that I didn't say yes to him...I have seen things the last few months that let me know this is not a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But I didn't have ill will towards him. I didn't hate him, I still care about him, I just needed to move on, especially since he went out and found himself a girlfriend so quickly. But this just stoops low to me, because he knew how hurt I was when he decided if I couldn't marry him, he would find someone who would. (That's pretty much how he put it too, except he did say he wasn't trying to be "malicious" about it.) Getting his text tonight feels malicious. It feels mean. It feels like he was rubbing my face in it, saying "ha ha, you won't marry me?? Well, I found someone who will!" And what hurts the most is this man was my best friend at one time, he was my support system, I trusted him as much as I ever trusted anyone. And he is seemingly getting satisfaction from kicking me in the teeth with the fact that he's moved on, not even considering that it might hurt to tell me. I feel like he's just punched me in the back...not the stomach, because then I could see it and fight back...no this is a punch in the back, as I'm walking away...one last kick. I just want to cry now.

 

I didn't text him back by the way...at least that he doesn't get real satisfaction out of hurting me, because he doesn't know if I got or read it or not.

 

How could he do this? How could he be so cruel? How could I have missed this side of him before??

[Batya33]

Just so I understand - why wouldn't you marry him? (it's good you didn't but what was your reasoning and what did you tell him?)

[CatsMeeoow]

ohhhhhhh..... I'm sooooo sorry!

 

Gosh... that must hurt so much.... BIG HUG!

 

Well let's face it... how long will it really work out after dating 11wks??? Most likely not... what's more likely to happen is he keeps texting you and at one point several months into the marriage sasys something stupid like how it was all a big mistake and you can just go EWWWWW!

 

Hang in there sweetie... there's a better one out there for you!

 

Cats

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Do I hear the words "marriage of convenience". You say he is a Minister. Well..I bet it looks better for a Minister to have himself a wife...to do all the wife of a Minister duties and to have the right "experience" and "appearance" when he rambles on about marriage and family to the congregation. Be grateful that you are not "it" because clearly love is not what marriage is all about for him...it is about fulfilling his duty to his calling. Don't be upset...the fiance might also be using him.

[i_win]

Sounds pretty erratic and illogical to marry someone so quick. They don't know eachother well and both will probably either be back on the market or in an unhappy marriage soon.

[nikesnlevis]

It's obvious why he did it. To do exactly what you said, rub it in your face. I'd be willing to bet he did it to either..A) Try to stir up your emotions, in hopes of you contacting him, or B) His immature attempt at getting you to "change your mind". Don't text him back, and if you do..make sure you say "Congrats! make sure to send the invitation!"

[postscript]

Why was he so desperate to get married? I don't understand that part...

[sidehop]

Why was he so desperate to get married? I don't understand that part...

 

No kidding...for anyone to be so cruel and from what it sounds like living in some fantasy (him) and marrying someone else weeks later???

 

As much as it this is hurting you the guy just sounds FAKE. It's probably a good thing he did leave your life. Who knows what could've happened if you married him.

[KaylaJoy]

Just so I understand - why wouldn't you marry him? (it's good you didn't but what was your reasoning and what did you tell him?)

For three reasons: number one reason, he has been married 3 times, and I did not want to be anyone's wife #4. He has a history of jumping in from one relationship to another very quickly. And as a minister, I do not believe that he should have 4 wives, Biblically speaking. Number two, we live very far apart, and neither one of us would/could relocate to the other's. Number three, I was still haunted by my ex before him, a guy that I had been absolutely smitten with. I was rebounding with this one, and I knew it several months into it, that I hadn't gotten over the other guy, and felt like I shouldn't marry one man if I still had feelings for the other.

 

All that being said, I did love this guy. He was my best friend. He was my support system, my confident, treated me wonderfully while we were together. But I did see things here and there that I couldn't reconcile in my mind...for instance, he had an abusive father, who is now in his '80's. He refers to his father as "the old man" and has intimated on more than one occasion that he would rather he just kick the bucket and die. I had a hard time reconciling this with Christianity. Another thing was that during our relationship, he kept quite a string of girl friends...women he talked to on a daily basis, (including the one he's marrying), claiming some of it fell under "pastoral counseling". Yeah, right!

 

So I loved him, cared for him deeply, but wasn't in a place where I could marry him. And if he had been slightly less amorous, I might have taken it better that he moved on so quickly. But he wrote poems, blogs, stories, etc about his love for me. Publicly announced to the world all the time how he felt about me. Said no man would ever love me more. Said I was the one he had waited for his entire life. (I wondered if this was in addition to wives #1-3?) He had me convinced for a while that he really truly loved me. In fact, until a few days after Valentine's Day when he announced that he was going to back off from our relationship and start dating other people since I had refused to marry him.

Incidentally the woman he is marrying, he's known for about 2 years, they hung out the entire time we were dating (after all, it was safe, right?? He'd NEVER date her, he told me! Said she was everything he'd NEVER want in a wife....so who'd he lie to??? Me or her??)

 

I just feel numb really. Sick to my stomach sorta. Glad I said no. What kind of marriage would we have had if his love could not only disappear, but recreate itself for the woman who is the polar opposite of me, AND be engaged. All in 11 weeks time. Just how strong of a marriage would we have had??

[KaylaJoy]

Why was he so desperate to get married? I don't understand that part...

 

I don't know...he says he hadn't dated anyone since his divorce from wife #3, which was 5 years ago, until me...but within probably 3 months of our relationship, he was seriously hinting at marriage, saying he wanted to make sure marriage was on the table with us. Well, heck, I didn't even know him, so I couldn't say it was or it wasn't. I was just trying to get to know him. About 5 months into, he already had planned on asking me, and for our 7 month anniversary, bought me a ring (emerald w/diamonds). When I asked him what it was, and I said to him "this better not be what I think it is", he said "it's whatever you want it to be", and so I said I would take it as a promise ring, or a friendship ring. Not an engagement ring. He always let me know marriage was his goal.

 

He told me in February (this year - after Valentine's Day) that I had "awakened" all those feelings and desires of wanting to be married again, and if I wouldn't do it, he wanted to go out and find someone else (who would).

I couldn't believe he could actually say that with a straight face, but he did, and he thought he was perfectly within reason for telling me that. Said he just wanted to be honest, that he didn't want a perpetual courtship with me, he wanted to be married again. To anyone, apparently.

[KaylaJoy]

I am dumbfounded...as I sit here, I still cannot believe this man, the one who claimed to love me as no one ever would, would stoop so low as to rub it in my face that he had found someone who would. I met her once, thought she was crazy. Now I think he is.

I've always hated mean people. What he did tonight qualified, as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know what emotion I embrace more tonight, anger, disbelief, or just hurt?

[emalkoc]

You should pray tonite that God loves you and you did not marry this guy. You would divorce from him for sure..He calls himself a minister and he is So nice enough to text you he is getting married, what kinda minister he is, he is a liar (because 11 weeks ago what he said), he is a selfish bs because he txts you that he knows he is hurting you..what else? sounds like my ex..He sounds like pshyco-pat...with good manipulative skills as being minister...

 

Move on please! forget about him

 

Eric

[pinkelephant]

OMG, no it's a good idea that you didn't marry him. Think of it as a blessing. He's going to divorce her, by the sounds of it. *hugs*

[ieatglue]

I don't know if ministers go on line w/ relationship issues, but I'll bet in the future you see him on here or elsewhere, under an assumed name.

 

Talking about the one...... that. got. away.

 

Sorry.

[i_win]

Let the other girl take the fall in your place. Let her deal with the string of women that he has around for "pastoral counseling." Let her be #4 that he divorces. I'm certain that it will happen. People that divorce multiple times keep doing it.

 

He also seems like not only a man that abuses his power as a minister, but also someone who isn't much of a practicer of the faith that he preaches.

[Nixee]

I don't know what emotion I embrace more tonight, anger, disbelief, or just hurt?

 

You can embrace all three, as you are perfectly entitled to be feeling all three right now.

 

But I will tell you this, and I hope it will help some - he is lashing out at you ... you have done nothing wrong, and you need to understand that. He is desperate for something that you couldn't give, and quite possibly something that this new woman won't be able to give either. He is looking for a body to fill a space, and fill it quickly - and YOU recognized that.... you should feel proud of yourself for this.

 

Though it hurts horribly that he could not be patient with you and just ran to find someone else (and trust me, I know intimately how that feels.....), in the end you are much better off learning what type of partner he is.

 

And now this... instead of respecting you, he is out to wound you. I'm sure he is doing it partially out of his own pain too, because it is still so soon that there is little doubt that he is still getting over his own feelings for you (great wedding gift for his new bride, eh?), but nevertheless, it is inappropriate and immature behavior. You've done the right thing to not respond to him.

 

For now you need to mourn. Let yourself feel sad, let yourself feel angry. Talk to friends, talk to people here... you will move on, and you will feel better in time.

 

When my partner of 7 years left me for someone else and soon after became engaged to her... well, the situation was a bit different, as they always are.... but the support of others helped tremendously, and before long I realized just how much better off I really was without either of them.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I guess the thing that confuses me the most is this:

He always let me know marriage was his goal.

 

and this:

 

 

for three reasons: number one reason, he has been married 3 times, and I did not want to be anyone's wife #4. He has a history of jumping in from one relationship to another very quickly. And as a minister, I do not believe that he should have 4 wives, Biblically speaking. Number two, we live very far apart, and neither one of us would/could relocate to the other's. Number three, I was still haunted by my ex before him, a guy that I had been absolutely smitten with. I was rebounding with this one, and I knew it several months into it, that I hadn't gotten over the other guy, and felt like I shouldn't marry one man if I still had feelings for the other.

 

If you knew he wanted marriage, and you knew you would never marry him- where did you expect this relationship to go?

 

I agree that his new engagement is quick, his texting you about it is inappropriate, and with his history of failed marriages I would probably not feel comfortable marrying him either, but it would seem to me that as soon as you knew that marriage was a goal of his and that you could never marry him, you should have ended it.

 

Would you not agree?

[annie24]

Hi There,

 

I guess the thing that confuses me the most is this:

 

 

and this:

 

 

 

If you knew he wanted marriage, and you knew you would never marry him- where did you expect this relationship to go?

 

I agree that his new engagement is quick, his texting you about it is inappropriate, and with his history of failed marriages I would probably not feel comfortable marrying him either, but it would seem to me that as soon as you knew that marriage was a goal of his and that you could never marry him, you should have ended it.

 

Would you not agree?

 

yes, i agree with hope. it sounds like early on you knew he wasn't the man for you, so why did you stay so long? and why is it such a surprise that he is engaged now? he said that's his goal, and he's clearly good at getting married. i wonder what his congregation thinks of 3 failed marriages?

 

my parents married after dating for only 6 weeks, so i know it happens, it can work out. you never know. some people date for years before marriage, and then wind up breaking up too. but that's neither here nor there. you knew kind of early on he wasn't your mr. right. i understand that it's difficult to see him move on, but it sounds like it is for the best.

[KaylaJoy]

yes, i agree with hope. it sounds like early on you knew he wasn't the man for you, so why did you stay so long? .

 

That was the same thing he asked me, but truth is, I didn't know that I would not marry him at first. I had not made that decision yet. I did not know about all his other marriages for one thing...In the beginning I only knew about his most recent ex wife, the one he has two kids with. The other wives came out later, and by that time I was much involved and really wasn't sure how I felt about things. Same with the feelings for the ex, and the big move...I honestly didn't know within myself whether I could do it or not, and I felt like he pressured me to make a decision early on, but I didn't know how I would feel. I started praying about it when he started talking about rings, and talked with him about it at length, so my refusal to marry him was no surprise, he knew early on that I had issues to work out in my mind, yet he continued to pursue me as well.

 

To describe just how polar opposite this woman is??

I am a Christian, and with that declaration comes certain beliefs, and strongholds. This apparently was a major attraction for him when we met (or so he said) because he of course was thinking "minister's wife". So we prayed together often, went to church, and with the exception of a few slip-ups, tried to live a proper existence.

The woman he is marrying is agnostic really. She has had a difficult life, and it has set her off against God and religion and things of that nature.

She has tattoos, which he always told me he hated, and would be the deal breaker in a relationship. (LIAR!!) She frequents heavy metal concerts, and hangs out in the mosh pits with her 16 year old son. (not the usual spot to find a minister, I'll admit.) The F-word is her very favorite word, she sprinkles is like sugar on most of her conversation. Her 16 year old son has been in and out of jail, juvy, etc. My ex has two small children (ages 5 and eight)...I think he's lost his mind because while I don't have anything persay against his new girlfriend other than she's kinda crazy, she is who she is and I don't think she is a bad person, but she lives a very different lifestyle than what you would expect a minister's wife (Full Gospel denomination) to live.

So this is the surprise - the total disbelief that so quickly he could go the exact polar opposite from me...I'm no saint by any means, and am a sinner saved by grace like everyone else. She and I just have very different lifestyles, and he was supposedly so happy to find me, but is now marrying her? I don't get it.

And then to tell me about it, on top of everything else, is just cruel.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds like he wants to "save" this woman!! This man is really screwed up and has a very unhealthy view on relationships and marriage. Instead of being devastated that he called you to tell you, why not feel relieved that you are no longer involved with this loser. I mean really, his calling you is in keeping with everything else you know about him and how he views relationships. Even right down to his poetry and fancy words...that is a typical player. He does the wooing in order to get himself a new wife...but there is no love involved at all...it is just empty words and no feelings.

[annie24]

It sounds like he wants to "save" this woman!! This man is really screwed up and has a very unhealthy view on relationships and marriage. Instead of being devastated that he called you to tell you, why not feel relieved that you are no longer involved with this loser. I mean really, his calling you is in keeping with everything else you know about him and how he views relationships. Even right down to his poetry and fancy words...that is a typical player. He does the wooing in order to get himself a new wife...but there is no love involved at all...it is just empty words and no feelings.

 

yes, i agree. he is a wolf in sheep's clothing... or a player in a minister's clothing! i agree he sounds totally screwed up and you dodged a bullet with this one. did you really want to be ex-wife #4? (i guarantee you would be.) so will this one, by the way. does he have a congregation? how would they feel about an agnostic wife?

 

So this is the surprise - the total disbelief that so quickly he could go the exact polar opposite from me...I'm no saint by any means, and am a sinner saved by grace like everyone else. She and I just have very different lifestyles, and he was supposedly so happy to find me, but is now marrying her? I don't get it.

And then to tell me about it, on top of everything else, is just cruel.

 

i know it hurts. but there you go. i've seen this happen to a friend also. he told her he was breaking up with her because he wasn't ready for a relationship, then 6 months later, he is engaged to the type of woman he swore he would never marry. i think you just have to hold your head high and move on. be relieved that you didn't get more entangled in this trainwreck!

[SpeedingCars]

Sometimes people get someone who is completely opposite, which is dumbfounding... but it happens.

Just don't compare yourself to her because you both are in no place to be judged.

 

I am sorry that he texted you that.

What if it was a mass text message and he sent it to everyone? O_O

Not that it would soften the blow or anything, but maybe it wasn't a personal vendetta against you...

 

I know it hurts. A LOT.

But think of it as... you won't have to deal with his BS anymore, but some other chick will have to!

[KaylaJoy]

did you really want to be ex-wife #4? by the way. does he have a congregation? how would they feel about an agnostic wife?

 

/QUOTE]

 

No, I didn't want to be ANYONE'S wife number 4, no matter how much I loved them! Marriage is way more sacred to me than that!

 

As for the congregation, to be honest, I don't know how much he's actually told them about her. She said in her blog that she had been going to church with him, but said it was more for him than because she really wanted to. I wondered if he even read that part?

I do think perhaps he thinks he's going to save her from herself. He used to talk about her to me when we were dating, and tell me all the crazy things she was doing, and he would act so apalled and incredulous at her crazy blogs and crazy antics. She was big in cybersex last year with some guy she had only met online, and she would blog about it, and my ex always acted so put off by that. Now I think he must have been intrigued all along, and not disgusted, as he made out to be.

 

I am not his judge, this I know. I know how I feel about his behaviour, but it is not up to me to pronounce judgement, and that's not my intent here. This was a personal affront towards me; he knew this would hurt me, I had already told him how I felt about it. I AM glad I didn't marry him, but all the gladness in the world doesn't take away the feeling that his betrayal is complete. This takes away from all the good feelings I ever felt with him, because now it feels like he was a fraud. And I feel sick that I trusted him, not just myself, but with my family and most importantly with my 8 yr old son. I am a single mom, and he always made such a big deal about raising my son in the future, even told me about 4 or 5 months into our relationship that if we got married he wanted to adopt my son. Had my son asking me when was I going to marry him.

It's like having a coin that you think is gold and worth lots of money, and then dropping it and when you pick it up and wipe it off, you find out it was just a piece of aluminum, painted up. If I'd known it was aluminum from the start, I could have approached it from that level. But he presented himself as a gold coin, and I feel like I've been cheated out of all the memories I had with him, because he must not have really loved me if he could do this, with her, so soon.

What a sham.

[Daria_Lane]

I didn't text him back by the way...at least that he doesn't get real satisfaction out of hurting me, because he doesn't know if I got or read it or not.

?

 

I am so glad you didnt reply. Infact delete the message so you wont be tempted to.

 

It's a horrible thing really and it shows the kind of person he is. Instead of him to find out WHY you said NO to marrying him and work that out, he just ran off to marry anyone. Shows he's a child and very immature. Thank your lucky stars that you arent at the receiving end anymore. I just feel bad for this new "fiancee"

[KaylaJoy]

I don't feel bad for her really...she is as desperate as he is...last year I watched her go thru guy after guy, just hoping to find someone to love her, and with everyone who turned out to be a fake or a joke, she would fall apart until the next one came along. Two of them were men she met online, and never even met in person, and she still fell apart. She and my ex have been friends for about two years, but I never felt threatened when they spent time together because he always swore to me that there was absolutely zero interest there. Right.

 

This sounds awful I'm sure, but it's like I want to - need to, even - dwell on how ridiculously awful he is for doing this, how mean and inappropriate and immature it was to just rub it in my face, how desperate he seems to go so quickly from loving me (supposedly) to being engaged to the woman he swore he'd never date. I think what must the people at his church where he is associate pastor think to know he's engaged to wife #4, and this one's a doozy!? Do they care? How must they have viewed me when I was there, considering becoming wife #4? What about the new one? Do they like her? Does she fill my shoes well?

 

All these thoughts make me SO SAD though!!

 

He was not who he claimed to be, and there's no way to express how I feel about that, not on paper, not online, not in word, to express how I feel duped, how I feel cheated and betrayed, how I feel lied to, deceived. I wish I knew how to express it. Weird how you can feel so thankful and so sad and hurt by the same event.