Break up after an abortion! All my fault.

[mikeyc]

I started dating my girl 2 and a half years ago. I've dated many girls in the past, but none of them like this. We spent every night together, e-mailed each other every morning at work had pet-names for each other (sickening really ). Just before Christmas she told me that she was pregnant. Now, I've always had problems with commitment and my reaction was severe - I basically wanted her to abort. My girl wanted to keep the baby, she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and she was going to ask me to marry her on New Years Eve but my mind was made up. The decision was not mine and I realised that as did she but she still decided to abort saying that she did not want a child in case I split up with her after she gave birth (I would have NEVER done that - if I ever have a child, not matter what happened I would be the father). The abortion was carried out just after New Year and everything seemed ok. My girl still seemed to love me and our relationship comtinued for a few weeks. On Jan 17th she moved out saying that she needed a little space. I accepted this and waited. On Jan 19th she came in to my house and announced that it was over - my world fell apart! I clung to the hope that she would come back to me in time she even said that she just wanted space and she did not want a relationship with anyone at the moment.

Just when I thought I could not feel worse BANG!! 2 weeks after our breakup she tells me she is seeing someone else. I found out that this person is someone I've seen before. On our very first date I took my girl to a club where a lad chatted her up for a long time - I did nothing about it thinking that he was a friend of hers, she also told me she did not fancy him - NOW SHE IS SLEEPING HIM!!! I've never felt like this. Every evening I think about what he is doing with her, how could she get over our relationship in 2 weeks?!?!? She wanted to marry me for god sake! To make matters worse, all the friends I have in this area are hers and since the breakup they have not contacted me - I have noone. I hurt so bad and she doesn't even care. I asked her last week if she missed me at all, she replied no. We have never been apart for more than 3 days in 2 and a half years and now we are apart she doesn't even miss me.

All I need is for someone to tell me they've been through this and that there is a light at the end of this dark, long and very lonely tunnel.

[SwingFox]

Hi,

 

I am so sorry as to what happened to you. You must be going through a very difficult time right now. I can tell you that time will eventually heal all wounds. My suggestion is that you accept the hurt and pain as they come. That will speed up the healing process. Try to go out again and make new friends. See if you could contact those people you haven't spoken to for a while and ask them how they are doing.

 

I would like to give you some insight, too. Although this is pure speculation, I am wondering how it is possible that she is with him after two weeks. I would seriously wonder if there wasn't something going on before you broke up. I also want to give you this point of view, pure speculation again, though: could it be possible that she is using him to make you jealous and feel hurt more? In other words: could this be a rebound relation she is chasing now? If it is, she's going to get into some deep trouble.

 

Good luck with your healing process...

 

~ SwingFox ~

[mikeyc]

I don't think she was seeing him before splitting up with me. I asked her and she said she has never cheated on me... I believe her.

She told me she ran into him at a club the weekend after she split up with me. I hope to god she didn't meet him when she was seeing me, that would make this so much worse.

[KeepItReal1607306446]

I'm sorry to hear about your unfortunate situation.

 

Abortion really does cause a lot of damage and has all types of side effects. Most relationships do not last after an abortion. There are all type of psychological reasons that can lead to a split. Although society tries to say killing a baby in the womb is okay, it is totally unnatural and creates unnatural results...like immediately losing feelings over one relationship and seeking solace with someone else.

 

Women who want to keep a baby, but receive suggestions from their boyfriend or husband to abort the baby, receive that as a rejection of not only the baby, but of them as well. Abortion also is not good for a woman's body and when a man encourages a woman to go have one, it is like saying I don't care about your health, your body, or the baby, I only care about me, me, me! Needless-to-say, that's a turn off. For someone who wants to keep the baby, they will mourn the death of the baby in one way or another and sooner or later. As the encourager of the abortion, you cannot comfort her. She is also probably feeling guilt and to stay with you would be a constant reminder. All of this only scratches the surface of what goes along with an abortion. When all is said and done, it will definitely breach the relationship, and the relationship will not be the same.

[mikeyc]

Keep it real...

I have also read this about abortion and I regret my initial reaction now but nothing can change what has happened. Do you think that in time she will regain those feelings she had for me? We were so much in love and I know she loved me enough to want marriage and to spend the rest of her life with me, I treated her like a Queen and she was nicer to me than anyone I have known. We did have the odd argument but they never lasted long. I feel sure that she will not find another person suited to her like I am. I just need to know if these effects of abortion are permanent, will she always see me through those eyes or will the feelings of hate subside and give way to the feelings she had to begin with?

[KeepItReal1607306446]

Hi Mikeyc,

 

I really wish I had an answer for you. The ending you want goes up against major odds. You both are really hurting! Just as you say you are hurting and she doesn't care, I am sure she felt the same way as she was hurting and continues to do so.

 

There's a lot of healing that needs to take place. It will take time and may also take some counseling. Also, do you feel bad about the abortion, because it split up the relationship or because you now sincerely believe abortion is wrong? There's a big difference! If it is not godly sorrow and repentance for the actual deed, and not just the results, a woman (not to mention God himself) will know even if she doesn't really understand or can express why she feels the way she does. If possible, suggest she go see a post-abortion counselor. Don't suggest it only with the hopes of getting her back, but as a genuine friend who wants to see her healed from this whether you two are together or not. If you both went, whethere together or separate, that would be fantastic! Seeking clergy counseling helps a lot of people as well.

 

I also think that she wouldn't want the relationship to be the same as before with the non-committal issues. She shouldn't have to ask you to marry her. If you think she is a queen, you should be very willing to make her your queen and not drag you feet about it. Two years is more than enough time to know if she is the one. That's emotionally draining for a woman. You received many of the benefits of a wife by living with her, but didn't give her the honor of actually being a wife. There's a whole lot of wanting to have your cake and eat it too going on here. To be honest Mike, the noncommitment issue and the abortion encouragement displays self-centeredness. You are going to have to work this out of your heart, then you will be able to genuinely show it forth toward her (or anybody else). You need to show her that things are not going to be the same, and not only better, but RIGHT -- that you are sincerely ready to commit and do things right. For different results, you are going to have to do some different (and probably very humbling) things. You'll have to be willing to sacrifice many of your own wants and desires and show it through action, not lip service. Do some soul searching. If you are not ready to marry her, don't be self-centered and waste more of her time, let her go.

 

Sorry about the preachiness, but that's the reality of this thing. I really hope everything works out...but it will take right motives, a lot hard and humbling work, and some time. I hope you want it bad enough to do what it takes.

[mikeyc]

I have decided to leave it. There is no way that we will get back together now. She has found someone else. This hurts so much but I have to get on with my life. I suppose I'll learn from the mistakes I made and perhaps I will be a better man for it. Hopefully she will be happy but I can't help but think she will never be as happy with someone else as she was with me, I know I won't, she is a wonderful woman. I cannot be her friend either - it must be total seperation, I don't think I will ever see her again. Life can't get much worse than this.

[knightbear]

that stuff you put in her was baby batter!!!!!!! what you think would happen

[dldjtad]

Hi Mike,

I understand your pain. I will tell you about my similar situation. After being laid off by a major corporation last year, I decided to relocate and start my own business. I stayed with family temporarily while getting the business together in a town approximately 2 hours away. It was while I was staying with my family that I met her. I didn't expect that within that 2 month period that I would meet the love of my life. In that 2 months, we enjoyed each other's company so much! It was like we were made for each other. At the end of September 2002, she even helped me move to that distant town! After I moved, we took turns on the weekends visiting each other; one weekend I would go to her place, the next she would come to mine. We also talked on the phone constantly. Then, one day the phone rang, and I got the news that she was pregnant. She had had one abortion before, many years ago, and informed me that she had already decided to abort this child. I agreed with her decision. 3 weeks later, I picked her up at her home, drove her to the clinic, paid for the procedure then drove her home (as she had asked me to do). I sat with her for a few minutes, then I had to get back to my house (2 hours away) to continue working on the business. I saw her 2 more times after that. After Thanksgiving, she suddenly broke it off with me. I was devistated, as I had planned to surprise her with an engagement ring on Christmas day! I suffered in agony in my home. I wanted desperatly to be with her; to comfort her. She would seldom return phonecalls, or answer my emails. My desperation was manifesting itslef to me; not sleeping or eating properly, constant worry and stress about her, and drinking too much. Well, I finially folded the business, and moved back in with my family. I was really looking forward to it, as I would now only be about 1 mile from her, and I could work on our relationship. I returned home March 1, seeking her out, but couldn't make contact with her. 1 week later, I disovered the awful truth... she has a boyfriend! All this time that I was away, she had been seeing someone else. It has now been 2 weeks since I learned this (she told me face-to-face; probably got tired of me bugging her). After much reflection, thought, research and speaking to others, I realize that for her and many other women as well that this can be a normal reaction. In some of the research that I have read, promescutiy is normal for some women, and some of them hate the person that got them pregnant! Now, I have a much better understanding why she ended the relationship; she couldn't bare to see me because I remind her of the abortion. I cannot and do not hold her responsible. I think that she is a great woman, and I can only hope that she finds happiness after this terrible event that she went through. It hurts me too, to loose her. I have accepted it, and try not to think about it anymore. Each day gets a little easier.

David

[mikeyc]

It's nice knowing I'm not alone.

I understand why my ex has found someone else and I can understand why she broke up with me, I too have done a lot of research and talked to a number of people about the effects of abortion. Still doesn't seem to numb the pain though. I still miss her a lot but I suppose it has only been 2 months since the breakup.

My main problem at the moment is I don't know how I will react if I see her with her new boyfriend and it's becoming inevitable that I will. We have the same friends and we live in the same village. At the moment I check with friends to see if she will be out before I join them but how long can that go on for? Man this sucks!

[dldjtad]

I know what you're going through. I'm going through the same thing. I go to the same bars as she does. I haven't been back to them yet because I don't want to see her with another guy. I talked with her on the phone today, and it seems that communication is the key. Soon, I hope, I will be over it enough to meet him. Probably a pretty good guy too. I will be trying to move on soon; meet someone new. It will help take my mind off her. I agree, it does suck.

David

[dldjtad]

Hey Mike,

Getting any better yet? I took a day off work, just to heal, and it seems that it's working. I put on some sad music, and thought of all the things that we had done together. I let myself cry. Then, after I was done, anytime that I felt a longing for her, I repeatedly said "I don't care anymore" outloud. I finally got some sleep that night (no surprises woke me because I reflected on EVERYTHING throughout the day). So now, and it happens several times a day, when I feel like crying over her, I say those 4 valuable words, and it takes a little while sometimes, but the heartache goes away.

David

[mikeyc]

I was feeling a little better. I met another girl a few weeks ago so I took a week off work to have a bit of fun. At first we had a laugh but this last few days I've suddenly found myself completely unnattracted to her so I broke it off last night. To make things worse, I ran into my ex and her new boyfriend yesterday. I didn't talk to them as I was in my car and they were walking by. I'm pretty sure she saw me but completely avoided eye contact, perhaps it was because this new girl was sitting in the car next to me. Seeing the two of them together has made me start thinking about old times again - I miss her. I still find it so hard to understand how she could move on so quickly from me, I keep telling myself that she was thinking about this new guy before she broke up with me and because of that, it would have never worked between us and continuing the relationship with a child would have ended up in tragedy.

Maybe that's just my way of dealing with this.

[dldjtad]

Well, I think you're wrong. I don't believe that she was seeing this guy before it happened. You must remember that I am basing this on my experience. What she went through was so traumatic, that she couldn't even bare to see you anymore because it reminded her of the experience. Her first impulse after she left you, and rightly so, was to find another man, and as quickly as possible (for obvious reasons). Remember, the same thing happened to me. My fiancee found someone immediately. She though that he was the one. It didn't last long, because she did it out of desperation. She is single now. We have a mutual friend that we've been working with. I have been to her house several times, and even hung out with her a couple of times at a local bar. With the coaching of this mutual friend, her and I are becoming friends again. I do not call her or tell her how I feel. If I need to communicate with her, I do it through our mutual friend. We may never be lovers again, but I can accept the fact that we are close friends. You must be VERY patient. She is healing. Also, she is aware of the fact that I cannot see her with another man yet. Somtime in the future, I will be able to accept it though. The best of luck to you. Maybe you should find a mutual friend as well, so that you can work something out with her, or, at the very least, for yourself.

[SadMan]

I cant believe someone out there is going through the same thing that I am.

 

When all this happened, I thought it could only happen to me. I have a post as well.

 

But I didnt mention about the pregnant part.

 

I got my girlfriend pregnant twice. Once when we were together for about 6 months. and another just recent.......

 

Both time I want her to keep the baby because I am very immature. But deep down inside I really want her to keep the baby because of her health and many other things.

 

This is the first time I said anything about my girlfriend's pregnancy. I dont know anyone will really read this post. But I have been holding this in my for a verylong time.

 

When I first know about my girlfriend's pregnancy, I was shock. Shock that I am a father at the age of 19. I really didnt know what to do. No idea what so ever about abortion. At that time I really want her to keep the baby but she is way more mature than I am at the age of 18. She know what life will be if the baby was kept.

 

I, on the other hand, was too immature and got kind of upset with her about the abortion. That was a wrong thing to do.

 

After her first abortion, she was drepress for about a few weeks. Then everything seemed to be back to normal.

 

Then things went well until recently. If you read my story, you will know what happened.

 

To cut things short, she kept in contact with her ex boyfriend and he came and I went nuts. She had an idea of her being pregnant and kept telling her it will be ok, you wont get pregnant but that only made things worst. I didnt want to think about her pregnant because her ex boyfriend is coming to see her 10,000 miles away. I have reason believe that she invite/TOLD him to come.

 

During the time of him here, she tested for her pregnancy and it turned out to be postive. she called me a lot of time during the night but I didnt pick up her phone because she hurt me so much about lying to be about every little detail.

 

She then turn around and let her ex boyfriend know that she is pregnant. I understand that she needed someone to talk to about and the knight in the shiny armor happen to be right next to her. But this thing is so personal and it should be between both of us. Then later I talk to her about what to do and she told me she had a long talk with him at the hotel and HE FULLY SUPPORT HER (MENTALLY) for her to get another abortion. (he knows about the first abortion too)

 

I was mad as hell because why cant she talk to me about these with ME and asking someone that is (ALMOST) totally out of the picture is just not right to me. I thought to myself if she needed supprt, why cant she talk to me ?

 

So, I ignored her for a few days because I was pissed about her getting support from her ex and not me.

 

She had her abortion already and its be two weeks. I dont know what to do. I try to give her support to offer to take her to the clinic but she reject all my requests. Until recently she called me about a book being over due and I asked how she feels and when is her next checkup. I asked her if she was hungry and told her I want to buy food and drink for her and I offered once again to take her to take her to the clinic. She first said yes for everything and sounded very greatful. But then she called and told me not to come and she doesnt need the food.

 

Next day when I waited for her call to the clinic but she didnt call. After I got out of my class, I called her and ask her where she was so I can pick her up to the clinic. I called her repeatedly waiting for her. Then she called back and told me that she is on her way to the clinic and she is almost there. I asked her why she went without me and we agreed to go to the clinic together. She said to me in a VERY COLD VOICE " I am a MIND CHANGING GIRL, havent you noticed that ?" Right there I was turned down once again.

 

What the hell does she want more from me ?

 

I feel that she is torturing me..........I want to care but she wont let me.....

 

What more does she want ?

 

Life sucks, Period.

[dldjtad]

I know it sucks. It hurts very deeply. You will need to be more patient than you ever have in your life. It is going to kill you. Remember, she is confused and in great pain. She is not herself anymore. Don't rush her... she needs to heal in her own way. Don't play games with her. If she calls you, be there for her although it feels as if she's not there for you. It will take a month or so before you start feeling better. The best way for you to handle it is to accept the fact that it's over. Try to move on. If she really cares for you, she will come back. But, it takes a long time. There has been a lot of damage done.

David

[matthew]

hey there I have had simular experience. I have to say it is the worst. I am not coping very well with what happened to me so I don t know how to help much. (mayb sum1 can give me sum advice). The story goes. Up auntil last year i was a fun and happy guy who has had relationships but never met any1 special. In fact I didnt think too much of relationships and was allways trying to run away cuz I didnt think she was sum1 I wanted too be with 4 long. Last summer I met a girl who I had worked with 4 a year. We were only friends but on new years eve we got 2gether. I never thougt I would meet sum1 that I was became very in love with. She was the 1. We were inseperable and I know she was infatuated with me also. She was stunningly beautiful and could get any guy she wanted but also we really connected and related well together. I thought these people were only in the movies yaknow?

When she became pregnant everything changed. At first she wouldnt even let me touch her and we did not sleep 2gether 4 a week. Then she started asking me about names for the kid and puting my hand on her stomach. I was very confused. What added to this was that she became pregnant the week she hooked up with me and left her ex. He was still texing her and knocking on the door at night wanting answers. I did not know if I was the father but she told me she had a "feeling" I was. I did not know wether to go along with her opinion and I did not enjoy her being upset with me 4 getting her pregnant when it may well not have been me. She then started getting doubtful about us and we argued daily. evntually I cracked and insulted her by saying That it was hard sleeping with sum1 who maybe pregnant with sum1 elses child. She threw me out and then rang me back to say she needed space. She slept with sum1 else and I found out. goodbye. At first I hated her and she told me she was having an abortion cuz we wernt together anymore. I still hated her but soon the guilt kicked in and now feel that by not handling the situation very well I lost her and the baby. This is not sumthing I have been able to deal with. She does not talk to me and appears to hate me. I wish I had of handled things differently. She was one of those people u dont meet everyday. I have never had any1 hate me as much as she does.

[dldjtad]

I know how you feel. My relationship ended 2 weeks after the abortion, which was in late November. We were separated by a 2 hour drive. I was finally able to move back to be near her again 3 months ago. Through a mutual friend, her and I have been working very hard to be friends. It hasn't been easy... it has been nearly crippeling. However, I have found that patience is truly my ally. The more patient I am, the more she seems to be warming up to me. I try to live my life as normal as possible, but it still hurts. I am going to her house tonight to do some computer work for her. We will probably drink a few beers and talk. Nothing serious... just keep it light and try to make her laugh. This is going to be a very difficult month for her, as it is the month that the baby is due. I am 38 with a 9 yo daughter. She is 42 with a 22 yo and a 14 yo. Don't rush the woman. She needs to heal in whatever way possible. If she comes back to you, she will be yours. If she doesn't, then she never was...

David

[mikeyc]

It's been almost 6 months since my break-up and my first post in this forum and 4 months since I last contacted my ex. At first I made the mistake of trying to contact her and beg for her back, she saw a weak side of me she had never seen before - I do regret that now and my advice to EVERY guy who goes through this kind of break-up - no matter how difficult it is, DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX AND DO NOT BEG FOR HER BACK. She broke up the relationship so if it was meant to be and she really likes you she will come back, but make her beg!!! I have now come to terms with the fact that I will never get back together with the girl that broke my heart.

She tries to contact me still, sends me emails asking how I am and how the cat is. Sometimes she asks if she can come round and see the cat - that just makes me angry so I say "no!". She asked me if we could ever be friends and I honestly don't see it happening. When I receive a mail from her, or even when someone mentions her name I feel anger. The anger seems to stem from the fact that I know she has someone else and I've been told they are madly in love, just like we used to be. Maybe it's jealousy, but I feel that my life would be better if I NEVER see her again, so I'm sticking to my guns.

Another piece of advice - I know it's been repeated hundreds of times in these forums but it does speed the healing process. Get out, meet new people, have fun and most importantlt - look after yourself. Now you are single again, you will probably have more money, so spend it! Treat yourself, take up a new hobby, join a gym and get fit (highly recommend that one, not only do you feel better but women love the new body )

I'd better get to the point so I'll end this post with a question, "I can safely say now that I can go through the rest of my life without seeing my ex and I will be happy. I am happy and healthy now but I still feel anger towards her. Am I still healing or is this it?"

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

Holy Shit forget her, she is such a stubborn piece of trash 4 wut she done for you.. I'm very happy to see that there ARE still guys out there who wouldn't leave a pregnant girl alone. They shouldnt. Im glad you decided to try to be the babies father even if she didnt have an abortion.

But what, if space is wut she needed she wouldnt go out wit some1 else.

How could she do a brotha that? huh? After all uve done for her, yo this is how she pays ya back? She is a person of no honor or respect, those people should BURN. She should have been honest and told you what was on her mind, not just let shit happen, beating around the bush.

If I where you I'd beat her up. Put some sense into the bitch.

ps: not if she is bigger then u lol then just beat her up verbally.

THATS SURE WUT ID DO

[StillLoveHer]

Abortion is wrong... That is all I have to say.

[matthew]

Why would I want to beat her up. That would make things more ***ed up. I forgot to mention i had a fight with her ex. She did not seem to appriatiate me fighting outside her flat especially seeing as she already has a kid. I thought I was protecting her but women are on a different planet. He had written notes threating murder suicide and knocks on the door so I just went at him. This was when I went round to patch things up. I guess I screwed up. The point I was making was that shit happens and people do things they regret but it is upseting when a life is ended over things like that. I guess she didnt want to be with me no more cuz she thought I was violent person. I hate her for seemly blaming me for her decision to abort. I think I must have some female hormones or sumthing cuz I know exactly jow many weeks old the baby would be. it would have been born on my birthday in october almost to the day. i think i must be really ***ed up to think like that. I know this is just how it is but it doesnt make it any easier