Am I worthy?

[Dougie_D]

I hate this feeling. It's the hardest feeling I get before I go to bed. It keeps me up all night and keeps in bed all day. Why is it so hard for me to feel that I will never be loved by someone? The only person I can truly say that does, is my mother...but it's not the same, and it's not what I want to feel.

I've realized that people come and go, friends come and go, and even some relationships do. Honestly, the reason why I have always wanted a girlfriend is this feeling. The feeling of being something. The feeling that someone actually cares. The feeling that someone is not afraid of me. The feeling of love.

I don't know what love is. And this hurts the most.

[Lostkitton]

Everyone is worthy of love. I sometimes feel the same sometimes. The true question is, "do you love yourself?" I believe in order to feel loved and be loved, you have to love yourself first.

[arwen]

I agree with lostkitton. I think that first of all, in order to feel loved you have to know that you are worthy. Second of all, the moment you are able to love yourself, you will need it less from others. It's a bit of a chicken/egg thing. You feel that you are not worthy because you haven't met that special girl yet. Try to turn it around. You haven't met the right girl, probably because you feel you wouldn't be worthy of her in the first place. What do you like about yourself?

[Dougie_D]

I do like myself, but everywhere I go...people make fun of me about something. I get a new haircut ---they laugh----I get new clothes --- they laugh --- and this is why I am never sure to even like myself. I've been made fun of for just about anything you can think of.

I am apparently a very ECCENTRIC person. I don't know if that is bad or good. Do people like me have the same issues?????

[arwen]

I am sorry to hear about these experiences. Who are the 'people' you are referring to? I have said it before I think, I really think you look fine. Not being average can be a big advantage in life- you just need to learn how to live with it. I like eccentric persons- maybe I am a bit eccentric myself too. I have felt lonely, alien, ugly, all of that. Honestly, I realized that if I wanted to belong somewhere, I needed to feel like myself in the first place. If a group of people seem 'popular' and it's obvious that I don't belong to that group, I now first look if these people have something I want to associate myself with. If not, I don't care what they think of me.

 

Us humans are a strange kind: on the one hand we desperately want to be like each other, on the other we want to be unique. Let them laugh all they want. People who need to laugh at other people mostly lack confidence themselves too. Someone who is happy with him/herself would not look down on someone else.

 

Sorry, I am just rambling a bit now. I have read most of your posts, I wish I could help you to see that you are as valuable as another person. Just a question: are you still in school? For me, a lot has changed when I started working, and got older (seriously, lol).

 

chin up!

 

Arwen

[Dougie_D]

life got worst when I graduated and started working. It's not fun. Not what I want to do. I have a hard time getting the job I really want, because of my lack of experience. I have 2 degrees but I just went and got them to keep my parents sane...actually my dad is the one that keeps negativity in my life. He looks down at me. Has made fun of me in front of my friends. After a * * * * ty day at work, has always took it out on me. Told me, that I am his only failure in life...but I can't * * * * * because he helps me with money. Didn't have my first job until 3 years ago. I'm 27.

[arwen]

Your father told you that??? How incredibly rude and mistaken of him. Also to make fun of you in front of your friends- this is HIS mistake. Do you live with your parents? What does your mother think?

 

I think a good first step would become totally financially independent. It sucks to have a job that you don't like, but if it pays the bills, you may have to build some work experience before the 'career' or 'dream' job comes along. You have two degrees, that is something to be proud of. Are you passionate about what your majors in uni were, and what type of job would you want?

[Dougie_D]

I live by myself. I BARELY get by with bills and stuff. I only make 11,000 dollars a year.

I never cared about college. I just wanted to party, and that's all I did. I didn't realize how important it really was until I had my first crappy job!!!

I want to have a job with a record label.

[arwen]

That's not a huge income, I agree. What do you have to do for it, and how many hours do you work? In Holland there is no way you'd earn this little in a full time job- do they pay you a minimum wage? I think that if you really want something, you can do it. What is standing between you and the job you want? Are you actively seeking?