I Can't do NC...

[babysunshine]

I have tried. Harder than anything. I know the pain of not talking to him is less than the pain of talking to him "as friends". I can't take four years of love and emotions and diminsh it to friendly talk without hurting like I have never hurt before. I pretend everything is fine on the phone. Act happy, and chipper. As soon as I hang up I literally fall to the floor and my chest bursts. Sometimes I think I am ok with just being friends. Its better than nothing right?

 

He is coming in three weeks for a wedding and wants to take me out to dinner for my birthday since he was not able to come out for my actual birthday. Dinner, Dancing, then the next day go with him to spend Mother's day with him and his family. I want to spend that weekend with him more than anything in the world. Even if it means starting back at zero when he leaves. The way I see it's been almost two months and a half and I feel like I am at zero anyways. It's been so long since we have had a wonderful weekend together. I want him to see a happy, healthy me one last time. This is sooooo painful. I honestly wouldn't wish this type of pain on my worst enemy.

[Maya_A]

Hugs babysunshine, hugs...

 

It's been so long since we have had a wonderful weekend together. I want him to see a happy, healthy me one last time.

 

Thing is, you aren't the "happy, healthy, you". If he would know how painful this is for you (you shared truly how you feel & didn't try to act happy around him) he might not unknowingly do things that make it harder for you, such as suggesting time together, etc. He might be able to help you move on, on his part also.

 

If I were you I would let him know how you are really feeling, hurting and struggling to get over the break-up. See what he might have to say about it...

 

Take very good care...

[babysunshine]

Thanks Maya... Don't get me wrong... He knows. I tell him. Not in the crazy, crying, pleading way like in the beginning but in an honest heartfelt way.He says it's the hardest thing he has had to do as well. He didnt break up with me because he stopped loving me. The distance and the fighting were emotionally draining for him. We both realize it's hard to detach. I also KNOW that going NC is the only way for me to move on. But I don't want to move on. =(

[mke11077]

I've read a majority of your posts about your situation and... WOW!!! You're either completely off your rocker or the strongest girl in the world! LOL You definitely are in a difficult place and if you've read any of my posts I absolutely don't believe in NC unless it's an abusive situation. Although mentally you're getting beat the hell up over this, the two of you are great friends and obviously love each other. As long as you keep strong and are continuing with your life I see no harm in talking, but only talking.

 

I'm not sure if seeing him for your bday is such a great idea. I won't tell you what to do but if you see him keep it to dinner, NO DANCING! Keep the meeting as close to just friends as you can; no touching, kissing, holding hands... Basically treat him as if he were your brother, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't get intimate with your brother. LOL

 

After 4 years you're probably close to his family as well, but spending Mother's Day with his family may not be a good idea. Call his mother or just have him wish her a happy Mother's Day. Spending it with him is too much a couple's thing and most likely will just make you wish you were with him more than you already do.

 

I've been in similar situations and actually have great friendships with the last two girls I had long relationships with. It's extremely tough to keep in contact after a break up but when you truly care for someone not having them in your life can sometimes be even worse.

 

You'll probably get a lot of advice on what to do about this. In the end you need to trust yourself to make the best decision. Advise is merely someone else's opinion, don't ever let someone TELL you what to do...

 

Your in a difficult place right now but things will get better. Stay positive and stay in school!!!

[XCRunner1]

Hey Babysunshine,

 

What do I get from your post?

 

1) You really love this guy. You spent four years together...probably made a ton of great memories, great times, good romantic stuff.

2) You are really hurting. This LC is not good for you. It is setting you back everytime.

3) You are playing a 'part' that you are not suited for (acting happy and satisfied, when you are really frustrated, sad, and downtrodden)

 

What you should do (I think):

 

1) Cherish the time and memories with him, tuck them away in your mind...this is the PAST.

2) GO AND STAY NC. I don't care what you have to do. Do something new, go somewhere different...anything. Take up something you always wanted to do. Trust me, the LC does not work if you are trying to heal; I will repeat it is not helping you whatsoever...just him because he is getting access to you when he wants it (i.e dinner, mother's day, etc.). You really NEED TO EMPOWER YOURSELF.

3) STOP STOP STOP acting. I can't even imagine the pain you are putting yourself through. Are you really happy when you have to act in front of him? Are you really happy? NO. So don't do that anymore. You are not happy with the situation...you want a real relationship with him...so don't give him this pseudo-relationship that you continue to give him access to.

 

XC

[babysunshine]

Thank you for your replies.. I'm going to go with completely off my rocker instead of strongest girl in the world Deep, deep down I know that NC is the best option. I have read and reread so many posts on here that I know ultimately that protecting yourself, your feelings, your dignity is the best thing. The problem is Four years of talking every day (No literally... EVERY DAY!, even when I went home to Brazil for a month we spoke daily), is almost like an umbilical cord being cut. I guess in a way, and I know it's ridiculous, two days of pure bliss with the love of my life might be worth the pain it will FOR SURE cause in the aftermath. Sometimes I feel it might actually be easier if he was not in love withme anymore and moved on with his life. The fact that the love is still there and present in all of or conversations makes this so hard. I appreciate all your guys' advice. I need it.

[Maya_A]

I see... It just might simply take time, then. I mean time before you feel you can even entertain the idea of letting go. Yes, this can bring you more pain but sometimes this kind of period is just a part of the grieving process. Have compassion with yourself in accepting that you just aren't ready to deal with letting go, even if that causes more pain in the present. It is what it is... You feel what you feel...

 

You wouldn't fathom it now but there will be a time where you will let go, either due to him dating someone else or where you have just had "enough". Had enough pain, emotionally, spiritually, physically...

 

Also IMHO, NC as you mention, is the best way to let go in a tough situation like this, when you feel ready to do so...

[XCRunner1]

The conversations are words.

 

The action is he wants to be your boyfriend, and you will be his girlfriend.

 

I wish you the best with everything.

[kevinm]

I'm against NC too. I believe people can do LC and remain friends. It seems so cold and inmature to me for people to go NC. Breaking up is indeed painful. It's been 2 weeks since I broke things off with the g/f and though I'm certainly not 100%, I'm doing okay with LC. But LC is very limited. I contacted my ex after my dog had died. I don't know why I did in retrospect, but she was very kind and loving... like all of my good friends.

 

It's impossible to turn off the faucet of emotion when you love someone. Don't go NC... if you don't want to. If you do however decide to stay LC, then do it on your terms... maybe once a week or once every two weeks.

 

I do agree with the others however, putting yourself with the date and going to spend time with his family sounds like a bad idea. I'd tell your ex just how raw your feelings are, and how potentially how much you may hurt. Tell him just what you said here. If he cares and respects you, he'll back off and give you time and space.

 

-Kevin

[Maya_A]

I am not addressing this in relation to what anyone specifically wrote on here or to negate anything in any way.

 

Just to say as a general thing about NC. It need not mean "forever" at all but can be used as a great aid in helping one emotionally stuck, to move forward out of it, for a finite period of time. Once this is done then if chosen (some are just happy to have moved on), contact again does not set a person back emotionally reeling, as it would have at the earlier time.

 

In other words, one point of NC can be preparation to be able to have contact down the line (without pain or hopeful that things are being rekindled)... Or it can simply be part of a process in moving on for good.

 

And there needn't be anger or negative feelings behind NC at all... Most of the time it is because we really love the other person very much. It is really also a self-loving act in order help the self move forward...

 

Of course, if you hear that a parent of your former sig. other has passed away, their house has burned down, or something tragic like this has happened in their lives, it would be kind & compassionate to contact them on it...

[EyesOnThePrize]

My ex is coming out in June and wants to see me (at least as of when she left...lol). That will be about 2 1/2 months of not seeing each other. I told her I didn't know if I would be ready to see her. Her response was "Then I guess I'll just have to forget about you" or some "poor me" line. I want to see her more than anything, too. But it will be so hard to see if, especially if she is still with her new boyfriend, and I doubt they will have broken up before then. I dunno, its still 10 weeks off, I don't think I'll know exactly how I'll feel then, but I'd really like to spend the time with her. I just don't know if I'll still be in love with her in 10 weeks. If I am, it will be very tough.

[babysunshine]

That's the thing... it doesn't matter how long you dated but if the feelings were intense and true, and you are the dumpee I don't think any amount of time short of years can prepare you to spend time with someone you truly loved and were "forced" to end your feelings. Usually things that are forced, and not natural occurrences tend to bubble out. In my case 2 months not seeing him, and then seeing him is the equivalent of 2 minutes. I know I will still love him, I know I will still feel those feelings. But I want to see him. The more I read these replies though, the more I want to just walk away and never look back. He lives in another state, one I have never visited. He doesn't have to live in the house we stayed in together, walk around the city we spent months exploring. I want him to feel that. and maybe by him coming here to see his family, and for the wedding he can feel a taste of what it's like to be in this city without me in his life.

[thejigsup]

It is entirely possibel to turn off feelings, sometimes you have to in order to get on with whatever you are supposed to really do in life. While you never forget them, you have to stop letting any soft feelings creep in and keep you from living your life. I would not go on this weekend, but it is your decision and I wish you the best.

[Siriana]

I just can't help to wonder what are his motives to talk with you on a daily basis - yours are clear - as you said you still like him but what he wants?

Someone to comfort him when he feels down...or something else?

If you try to rationalize why he calls, maybe it will be easier for you not to be in contact.

[Addicus]

think that when a person ends something and tehn continues to contact the person they dumped IMO..it's selfish. They made a choice to end thngs and they need to live with it. Contact is a way of easing theri own guilt and as the guilt starts to go you will hear from them less and less. It's a common story on these threads. The dumper decides that they are in the driving seat and thnks that the dumpee is so desperate that the dumper can get away with this behaviour. NC allows you to create space to heal. It also lets the dumper know that they made a decision to not wnat you in their lives so as the dumpee let them have what they want. Let them see if they are happy with life without you. To allow the other person to contact or to keep contacting them just stalls the inevitable...you still have to feel the pain. So you need to decide if you want to do it sooner or later.

 

As for LC and NC. LC keeps the pain going. NC allows you to heal. It does not have to be forever just until you are over the other person and have let go. NC is not selfish or unhealthy. It is a kind gift to yourself. One that shows self respect and self love. It is a way of detaching and staying out of the dysfunctional break-up dance.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I NC is very important when one person still harbours feelings for the other. While NC doesn't necessarily mean you will get over someone quickly, it does mean that you will not be tortured by the feeling of frustration and emptiness of talking to someone who doesn't share the same visions of a future of togetherness. When there is LC, the dumper thinks nothing of the interactions except from a purely selfish point of view...the interactions are no big deal...however to the dumpee, the interactions become life rafts to cling on to...every word and every tone of the dumper goes under a microscope and gets over-analyzed in the hopes that it might mean getting back together. With NC there are no words to overanalyze, no phone calls to wait impatiently for as if your life depended on it..it is ripping the bandaid off in one swift motion as opposed to the LC way of slowly peeling it off.

 

I would strongly recommend that you don't see him that weekend...while you may feel joy during the weekend, the reality of the situation will hit you once again when he leaves town....and if things get out of hand and you end up sleeping together...you will feel even worse when the next day you find out he still has no intentions of getting back together with you.

[Maya_A]

He lives in another state - He doesn't have to live in the house we stayed in together, walk around the city we spent months exploring. I want him to feel that. and maybe by him coming here to see his family, and for the wedding he can feel a taste of what it's like to be in this city without me in his life.

 

I agree with those who think it might be best not to see him.

 

In relation to what you wrote above (if you do not see him), if you say you want him to feel what it is like to be there in the same city without you in his life, a part of you might be hoping that once he does, something will change. It's so easy to set up hopeful scenarios that kind of numb the current pain for a little... I've done that in my life for sure...

 

The more you do NC the more you can do it, if that makes sense... Though for some it's an immediate relief in a way, for others it can feel brutal at first, as you said it was more painful for you than contact. Believe it or not, eventually you find yourself laughing one day and say "hey - I'm laughing"! Or you think "I went the whole afternoon without thinking about X person"... It just grows from there....

 

It's a process of grieving & letting go but it does get less painful. You've simply got to live it to believe it. I never believed it when I was told that in a similar situation going back. I thought "but they don't feel as deeply as I do", etc. But surely it happened "even for me".

Very important is to find other things to focus on and spend time doing...

[babysunshine]

Well, Thank you everyone for the advice. Not only you guys here on this forum but EVERYONE in my life is basically saying that I need to go NC. A part of me feels that although I didn't cause the breakup entirely on my own I contributed to a lot of the reasons why. So in a way I feel like he had to breakup with me to regain his own sanity and force me to make some changes. By going NC I feel like it will officially end things. I'm scared but I think I'm going to do NC starting today.....or at least try. Thanks guys

[babysunshine]

And call me crazy... but couldn't spending the weekend together cause some enlightenment on his part as well? The last two times we spent time together have been disastrous. Maybe if we had a great time and spent time with his family, he would also see what he is missing out on.

[Addicus]

And call me crazy... but couldn't spending the weekend together cause some enlightenment on his part as well? The last two times we spent time together have been disastrous. Maybe if we had a great time and spent time with his family, he would also see what he is missing out on.

 

He is in as much emotional turmoil as you...which menas he may do things to stop feeling pain or guilt and may regret them after...don't get pulled into his mess. That is why NC works...it keeps you away from the other person and their inconsistant behaviour. I have been there around someone that does not know what they want and it is no fun being dragged into their dysfunction. Stay away, it's hard but as someone else said the longer you go NC the easier it gets.

[littlej]

Is guilt always the case? What if the person feels they are making a mistake and reaching out for a response. Sometimes it is hard for someone to set aside pride to contact and start the initiation. In my case I think my ex may feel horrible and want to rekindle things. To assuage guilt maybe but I also think she may be reaching out to me.

[Maya_A]

And call me crazy... but couldn't spending the weekend together cause some enlightenment on his part as well? The last two times we spent time together have been disastrous. Maybe if we had a great time and spent time with his family, he would also see what he is missing out on.

^^^

 

No - the wknd. wouldn't cause any "enlightenment" at all.

 

Besides the fact that it would be sheer hell for you as you would be forcing things to try to make sure everything is "perfect" (which is impossible), hiding your real feelings, walking on egg shells for the sake of "a great time spent", he's also had tons of time to think in an "enlightened" way about his decision in ending things. He doesn't need this weekend to "awaken" him. He seems to have thought things through much prior, and is content with status quo.

 

Thing is, and this is the most painful part one has to face when someone else ends things... He doesn't feel he's missing out on anything.

 

He knows very well how much you would love to try again, that you would be willing to work on the issues, but going on what you have shared on this, he seems not to want that at all.

 

The answer to your question could not be a stronger "no" on so many levels. You will end up in more pain for certain, and probably have another disastrous time together. If you try to manipulate perfection & cover up true feelings, it will backfire emotionally for you.

 

If you want to do NC, just tell him why you need to do this. Because you are literally unable to let go & if you & he will never reunite you need to let go. Ask him to co-operate in not contacting you because of this. That this is something loving he could do if he cares about you (which I'm sure he does as a human being).

 

If he is willing to do this then it could make NC easier in many way: 1) he won't contact you of crs. 2) You will know that when given the choice to not be in touch with you at all, or perhaps try again, he willingly "let you go"...

[hennypenny3288]

NC doesn't always work either. You can take a few months of NC from them and then when you see them again, all the feelings and emotions come back up.

[Addicus]

Is guilt always the case? What if the person feels they are making a mistake and reaching out for a response. Sometimes it is hard for someone to set aside pride to contact and start the initiation. In my case I think my ex may feel horrible and want to rekindle things. To assuage guilt maybe but I also think she may be reaching out to me.

 

 

I don't thnk it is always guilt...but if it is guilt I think it would be felt in the first month or so, as the dumpers emotions are just like the dumpees emotions..all over the place. I think that time and space for both parties to get a clear head is s GOOD thing. The dumpee can think if they really want this person back, a person that was so willing to just walk away. The dumper can reflect on whether it was the right decision and if it wasn't then maybe they are going to contact because they really want to reconcile. I just believe in soace....ar least 3 months of NC..but that is me.

[Addicus]

NC doesn't always work either. You can take a few months of NC from them and then when you see them again, all the feelings and emotions come back up.

 

That is true....that is why I have read that after about 3 months of NC and healing that acually meeting up with teh ex is a good idea. As long as it is not done to 'reconcile' but just to meet. I think that seeing the person in will naturally bring up emotions but if you did the work to heal over the 3 months I think that it throws the dumper for a loop....it's a courageous thing to do..after you see them you may walk away feeling really happy that they are not in your life! Happened to me on more than one occasion! It was all very empowering!