Just heard from the ex

[EyesOnThePrize]

Well, so much for NC, although this was kind of an expected contact, and I guess I'll have to respond. My ex just sent me an e-mail with her K-1 for her business so that I can finish our taxes (we're filing joint for last year). She starts it off with a "Hi", not even a "Dear." Semantics, I guess, and it still hit me. She told me a little bit about her new place, and how much the cat I'm going to send to her will love it. She's been reading my LiveJournal because she commented on something in it. She doesn't mention the new bf in the e-mail, which I think she's doing because she knows hearing about him upsets me.

 

She signed it "Goodnight and thank you for everything." I didn't expect her to sign it "Love", because I believe she thinks I'd read too much into that.

 

I miss her so much. All the putting her in the back of my mind over the last five days went out the window. I have to get back to her with tax numbers, I'll have to keep it short and sweet. I don't know if I even want to comment on what she said about the house. I have no idea how to respond. Right now I am back in tears...my love is 1,200 miles away, telling me about her new house and it just drives home that she may never be coming back. I know its only a few days, I know I'm doing the right thing, and it still hurts.

[Litgirl01]

((((eyes)))) It sounds positive to me...doesn't mean she is NEVER coming back! Keep your focus!!! Anything can happen...life can turn on a dime!!! Hang in there...no tears! xx

[Blue Skittles]

I know this is a very painful time for you and I'm sorry that you are going through this. Try to keep the hope. You will probably have to live day by day for the next little while, just doing anything you can to make it through each day, but as time goes on the pain will become less. You know that, its just hard to fathom so soon after a break-up. Sometimes when I go through struggles like this I just think that God has a plan and it's bigger than mine and it kinda gets me through. I hope you feel better. Good luck.

[greensleeves]

You've handled everything so well, almost too well (I don't mean that in a bad way). I think that the reality is going to start to really set in now and it could be rough for you for awhile. Of course you're sad, that's to be expected and you're probably going to get VERY angry at some point, then sad again, then okay for awhile...your emotions will be all over the place. I know you already get that though. Just keep getting through each day and take it as it comes. I'm sorry that you're sad today

[EyesOnThePrize]

She had her own live journal post. I'm sorry I read it. From her end it was just saying "I'm here and tired", just some of the responses bothered me. One was from her friend who I'm pretty sure really pushed her to move towards the divorce that said:

 

"Welcome home!

 

Time to update thems user profiles and whatnot."

 

I'm sure she's talking about saying she lives in Texas now not Nevada, and its just that this girl professed to be my friend, too, and it seems that this was a lie.

 

I know its just a gut reaction to this, and I am happy she likes her new place, and just hearing from her brings up so many emotions for me, mostly love and sadness.

[J_man]

try to remind yourself all of this will make you stronger. it seems so unimportant right now probably, but it's one of the best takeaways after the fact. if you can, stick to the fundamentals of what helps you handle everything. focusing on the present, doing things to get out of your head, spending time with friends, etc. at least that's what i've been trying to do. it kills me when i hypothesize and permutate various 'what if' scenarios, it just drives me nuts, trying to glean meaning from every thought and word. i really have been trying to just.. not. just to let it be, and accept what is,a nd accept i do not know what will be. im sure it all sounds incredibly cliche, i wish i could offer you something better.

 

edit: i made the big mistake of reading my exgf's xanga a few days ago, and i've made the decision i'm just going to not do it. i can't really handle it, and i can't really see what good can come of checking it

[kuiks8]

She had her own live journal post. I'm sorry I read it. From her end it was just saying "I'm here and tired", just some of the responses bothered me. One was from her friend who I'm pretty sure really pushed her to move towards the divorce that said:

 

"Welcome home!

 

Time to update thems user profiles and whatnot."

 

I'm sure she's talking about saying she lives in Texas now not Nevada, and its just that this girl professed to be my friend, too, and it seems that this was a lie.

 

I know its just a gut reaction to this, and I am happy she likes her new place, and just hearing from her brings up so many emotions for me, mostly love and sadness.

 

I think you are going to have to try as hard as possible not to read her stuff like that...its only going to drag you down and send you further from your goals in regards to growing strong and being your own person...its dark in this very moment eyes but you have had such great moments of grace and light through this experience, take the time to focus on those...

[greensleeves]

I agree that it might be better for you not to read her live journal...it's not going to help you at all.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I agree that it might be better for you not to read her live journal...it's not going to help you at all.

 

Theoretically, she is screening any "sensitive" things from me on LJ. I'm in a real quandary about it. I want to defriend her for my own sanity, and at the same time I'm concerned that if I do that, she will defriend me, and since I plan to use LJ to "leak" information about my growth, I would lose that outlet. I'm going to see if there is a way to keep her on my friends list, but not actually see her posts.

[jenny_mcs]

I’ve read some of your other posts and I have to say that in spite of all the soul-searching and growing you are doing, your inability to completely let go of your ex is what will hold you back from ever getting another chance to be in a healthy relationship with her.

 

Your ideas of “leaking” tidbits of your new life, keeping in communication with her, reading her blogs, analyzing her friends' comments, etc, are only delaying the final, inevitable step you need to take if you ever want anything to come of this.

 

Look at breaking up as you both taking a journey around the world. You are starting from the same place but going in different directions. Some day you may come back to the same place and be together. What you are doing now is stopping you from even leaving the harbor.

 

I can see from your posts that you are in a lot of pain, and I feel for you. But I think you are posting a lot of articles, talking a lot about theories of love and relationships, but I think that all this reading and posting is helping you hide from what you know you must do- let her go, let her be with this new man, and live your life with no communication with her.

 

Tell her you are letting her go, with love. Tell her you hope your journeys one day bring you to the same place. Then really, truly let her go. No more communication. Of course this is only my opinion, but I feel this is the only way you will have some peace about this relationship, and I also feel this is the only way you will ever get her back.

[Confusedashellmyself]

true loving advice there

[pumpkinmoon]

It makes me sad to see you like this because all of you're posts were about how well you were doing. I even asked you how you stay so positive. But as someone said here, maybe you were too postitve? I'm not saying to be negative about things but try to keep in mind that it may never work.

 

I know the email seems to have set you back, and I can understand why, it's kind of a situation where no news is good news in a way when doing NC.

 

But try to remember, the email doesn't say anything you didn't already know. I think it's just the contact that has made you feel this way. Also I think when doing NC and the ex gets in touch, subconsciously think that when they do contact us it's going to be news of them wanting us back, when that doesn't happen, and its regarding something else, it sets us back.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Jenny,

 

Thanks for what you're saying, however in my mind its not that simple. We are going to have communication over time, I have to deal with alimony every month, and it varies month to month, and I need input from her on that. We haven't resolved everything between us, for instance the cat that needs to be sent to her once she is settled (and can afford the shipping costs). She wants us to be in touch, and I don't want to lose her out of my life and yes, I do want to reconcile with her. That being said, I want as little exposure to er life as possible as I do believe that a lot of what you mentioned is holding back my development and being able to move on to something else. That's why the e-mail through me for a loop last night. I don't want to know these little details about her life right now, they only keep her at the top of my mind and I don't want that now.

 

I did figure out this morning how to create a friends filter that lets me see everyone's entries except hers, without taking her off my friends list, so that problem is solved. Maybe in a couple of months I can change that, right now the constant reminder of her hurts too much.

 

The next step is cleaning up the carnage she left in the house, which will start after tax season ends tomorrow night. I think not seeing the visual reminders will help, too.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Shoefairy - As I said in the post above, the e-mail through me for a loop because I wasn't expecting it, and I wasn't mentally prepared for it. I was doing well because I think the last few days I was thinking about her less, worrying about what she was doing less, and focusing on me and then "boom", this comes out of the blue and its nice and friendly and I thought she was going to respect my wish for distance so I can heal. I know we have to deal with the tax things, and I would have preferred just a short note saying "Here's the K-1, let me know when taxes will be done." She really wants me to be her buddy again, and I'm not ready for that, and she sends me an e-mail that's just normal conversation, and its like she just doesn't get my sense, and doesn't want to get my sense.

 

Now I miss her as much as I did five days ago, and I'm believing that I'm back to square one. I'm not angry with her, I know she was doing what made sense to her, and it just shows me how much work she has to do on boundaries, too. How will I ever not be in love with her if she won't stay out of my life?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Oh, yeah, plus I have to respond to this e-mail in some way, and that means I probably get another one from her. Lovely. I suppose I can ask her not to respond.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I'm working on the response e-mail. I'm starting it off dealing with the tax stuff, then just saying that I'm glad she arrived safely, then just explaining that I think we're on different paths now and that I'm going a different direction. As I've got it written now, I'm saying that our paths may meet again, and if she ever wants to jump onto my path, I'll take her hand, assuming we haven't moved too far apart.

[joed]

and its like she just doesn't get my sense, and doesn't want to get my sense.

 

Hey Eyes, we're all right behind you. She won't get your sense as she's too caught up in her own!

 

Speaking as one who was once the dumper to my dumper you, as dumper, see things differently. I was so caught up in me that I didn't realise at all what the 'dumpee's' sense was about. Boy do I know now to my incalculable cost! I suspect, having talked to my ex that her sense is as mine was way back when, I'm sorry but what can I do. Right here, right now this is my sense!

 

Note the positivity in the right here, right now. Something can change. It did for me as dumper then and we reconciled......Oh for a similar outcome now! I did realise that I'd made a mistake, my ex doesn't feel that, yet!

 

I don't know about keeping in touch. I believe that's what got us back together then. I may not have sounded her out if we hadn't written and if we hadn't written she may have moved on or have hated me sufficiently to say no(the letters let her know I still cared). Oh how it makes my heart bleed to read them now knowing the (unneccesary?) pain I caused her then, and she forgave me completely as I would her now. It never got thrown back at me and we pretty much accepted it and moved forward together. There's always a chance. I'll bet if you were to ask her if she thought there was a chance back then, she'd have said no. Likewise, before my 'realisation', I'd have said no I don't think we'll be back together....Who knows? Who knows is a killer though, right. Get on with your life while still 'holding on', ohhhh, no real answer there.

 

Every case is different though and in my case keeping in touch worked. Letters IMHO are the absolute best contact after(and sometimes better than)face to face for many reasons. Letters can be held, kept, imply a thought and effort, etc, etc, etc.

 

Every time I've seen my ex I've come away saying I wish I'd said that and I wish I'd said this. Friends remarked I should've written after our 'meets' to facilitate that. I didn't and I regret it now. So time for the LTLP. My heart goes out to you all.

[jenny_mcs]

I'm working on the response e-mail. I'm starting it off dealing with the tax stuff, then just saying that I'm glad she arrived safely, then just explaining that I think we're on different paths now and that I'm going a different direction. As I've got it written now, I'm saying that our paths may meet again, and if she ever wants to jump onto my path, I'll take her hand, assuming we haven't moved too far apart.

 

Here's the thing. I have looked at your older threads, and you have said all this to her many, many times. I mean, your threads are full of stuff like "Just had a long conversation with my ex and i told her I hoped she would be back some day.." and "Just had a long conversation with my ex about how I am setting off to find myself..."

 

At this point it's all white noise to her. Respond with the tax info, maybe include a line saying you're glad she arrived safely, and leave it at that. All these long conversations and emails, pouring out your heart, getting philosophical, etc. are not helping your cause.

[EyesOnThePrize]

jenny - Yeah, that was occurring to me, too. I tend to get wordy much of the time.

 

I also think that I'm overreacting in some ways. She really did need to send me the e-mail with the tax information. It just caught me out of the blue and knocked me for a loop after a long weekend at the office. If she makes these e-mails a habit, then I'll worry about it more.

[Addicus]

EYES...Jenny wrote a great email. I don't think there is one way to deal with a break-up BUT...I think that it seems most people on here advocate making a lot of space between you and the ex and allowing time to heal and really get yourself together and yes..move on. Moving on really does empower you. For me it seems to be a pace that has helped me know that I most likely do not want my ex back. Knowing that and letting go allows for my own life to be drama free. I think sometimes we like to hold on so we have something going on in our lives. Thre is nothing you can do right now. As Joed wrote in this thread, your ex is so rapped up in her stuff that you might not exist. I know I felt that way when I cheated on my GF a long time ago. However, 4/5 months down the road when the affair had died all I could do was think about my ex. If she had gone NC I think that I may of even thought about her a lot sooner. You have amazing strength and courage..you will get through this..but let her go....even for a little while.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I just sent her the e-mail. I took out the paragraph about the different paths. I basically told her how I was going to handle the taxes, and said I was happy she arrived safely and signed it "Love, Eyes" No "I miss you" or "I'll see you in June" or "I'm working on myself." Just the facts, ma'am.

 

If she's hurt that I appear to be short with her, then that's her problem, not mine.

[littlej]

Does this really happen Addicus? My ex left me immediately for her ex and I have a feeling it will be short lived. I want her back but logically if she did there may be trust issues.

[Litgirl01]

Yes!! It is HER problem! She chose slimball...let him comfort her! It's all about YOU right now! ;-)

[littlej]

I just sent her the e-mail. I took out the paragraph about the different paths. I basically told her how I was going to handle the taxes, and said I was happy she arrived safely and signed it "Love, Eyes" No "I miss you" or "I'll see you in June" or "I'm working on myself." Just the facts, ma'am.

 

If she's hurt that I appear to be short with her, then that's her problem, not mine.

 

Good way to handle it. The only thing I would have changed is the Love, Eyes i would have used something a little less subliminal.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Good way to handle it. The only thing I would have changed is the Love, Eyes i would have used something a little less subliminal.

 

Well, I used my real name and not "Eyes." lol. However, I will always sign any correspondence to her (except maybe alimony checks...lol) with "love."