Commitment phobe walks out after 5 years even though he still loves me - why?

[recentlysingle]

I recently broke up with my long term partner of 5 years. This happened out of the blue and completely caught me by surprise.

 

I've always know that he was a "commitment phobe". His parents went through a tough divorce after 25+ years of marriage which took its toll on both the parents and the children. He was always worried about sharing his life and opening up but I loved him regardless.

 

We had a great 5 years together and although I would have to initiate and encourage him at each level of the relationship (i.e. to move in together after 2.5 years etc) he always reassured me that he loved me so much and that he could see us both settling down.

 

He recently quit his job in banking in London to do an MBA in New York. This decision had been on the cards for quite some time but I could not follow as firstly he would not give me the commitment that I was looking for before he left and on a less important issue - getting a work visa in the States was difficult.

 

Holding a long term relationship was difficult but we would tell each other hom much we loved one another and whenever we saw each other he was so affectionate and telling me that he loved me so much.

 

So it came as a shock recently when 2 months after our 5 year anniversary that he said that he felt so guilty that he was asking so much from me and giving me so little in return and that he didn't know if he could give me the commitment that I was looking for.

 

He flew from New York to London to tell me this and it was emotional for the both of us. He says that he loves me so much but that he's up and needs to be alone. I know that he's confused in his life and doesn't know what to do with his career and had hoped that his MBA would give him guidance. It seems that he's also doubting his decision to do the MBA as well. He reassures me that it's not because he's met anyone else or because he's cheated but more that he doesn't know where he is in his life and he wants to be alone to figure things out for himself and it's not fair on me. He booked himself a counselling session to try and help him figure things out.

 

His mum phoned me and told me that he might eventually sort things out in his head and he may come to realise what he lost but I can't put my life on hold.

 

I can't believe he's throwing away 5 beautiful years together and I can't even understand why he's doing this. Maybe I've been too giving and flexible to cater to his needs all the time? I don't know where do I go from here as I truly felt that I had met my soul mate. The old cliches about time being a healer etc ring hollow in my ears.

 

Everyone that has ever met us say that we were the perfect couple. I can't believe this is true and I feel so confused, upset and lost.

 

Has anyone been through a similar long term breakup??

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone. did he say why he was 'afraid' of committment? did you try to reassure him, ie, by signing a prenuptual agreement, etc....? what were his specific fears about being together?

[Caterina]

He'll regret it and it hurts him but he'll still do it to you. There has to be a mutual commitment, I think, for something to work. As a rule of thumb, if you have any hints of an idea that a man will be afraid of commitment, get out of there before you waste a lot of your time and hurt yourself in the process.

[Litgirl01]

I definitely feel for you...I know how hard it is to lose someone that you love! I was in love with a man who had commitment issues. The ending of this type of relationship is often the most painful because there really is never any rhyme or reason. CPs cannot commit to the relationship...nor can they commit to ending it...thus the confusing messages he is giving you! Hang in there and be strong! Surround yourself with support from friends and family...post here and read other people's posts! You are not alone! (((HUGS)))

[annie24]

I definitely feel for you...I know how hard it is to lose someone that you love! I was in love with a man who had commitment issues. The ending of this type of relationship is often the most painful because there really is never any rhyme or reason. CPs cannot commit to the relationship...nor can they commit to ending it...thus the confusing messages he is giving you! Hang in there and be strong! Surround yourself with support from friends and family...post here and read other people's posts! You are not alone! (((HUGS)))

 

that said, i've seen 'CPs' then turn around and marry the next woman after 6 months of dating. people have their own issues they have to get through on their own time table. maybe something isn't right about the relationship, or may he hasn't come to a place where he himself is ready to marry.

[Litgirl01]

Marriage has nothing to do with it...my ex was married for 10 years. He wasn't committed though...he created space by cheating on her the WHOLE marriage. Even if they don't cheat they have ways of not commiting. I surely wouldn't want to be the one who ends up marrying this type of guy! I want true love/commitment/intimacy!

[recentlysingle]

I definitely feel for you...I know how hard it is to lose someone that you love! I was in love with a man who had commitment issues. The ending of this type of relationship is often the most painful because there really is never any rhyme or reason. CPs cannot commit to the relationship...nor can they commit to ending it...thus the confusing messages he is giving you! Hang in there and be strong! Surround yourself with support from friends and family...post here and read other people's posts! You are not alone! (((HUGS)))

I guess that's what I'm also scared of. Someone I knew (a long time ago) went through a breakup where her boyfriend didn't give her much reason and then he started going out seriously with another girl after 3 months. Of course everybody and relationship is different but I feel so betrayed. What do I do if he decided that he realises that he's made a mistake?

[EQD]

if you knew he was a committaphobe then why does this surprise you? The phobia has nothing to do with love. Thats why he can leave and still love you.

[Litgirl01]

I guess that's what I'm also scared of. Someone I knew (a long time ago) went through a breakup where her boyfriend didn't give her much reason and then he started going out seriously with another girl after 3 months. Of course everybody and relationship is different but I feel so betrayed. What do I do if he decided that he realises that he's made a mistake?

 

I sent you a PM with some suggested reading materials! They helped me so much!!! They can really give you some of the answers you are looking for! There is nothing you can do to change him or change his mind or make him not date anyone else. THe only thing you can do if focus on YOU! I know it's hard! I just went throught the same thing almost!

[Nixee]

I feel very strongly for you... I know how much this hurts. I struggled 7 years with a man who sounds very similar to yours.

 

My ex also assured me that he loved me dearly and could see himself settled with me. However he was often hesitant, and there was always some push and pull with us. We broke up a couple times throughout our relationship, and we lived together twice. He just couldn't quite STAY settled down peacefully.

 

Yet all along, he ALWAYS insisted that loving me enough was never a problem... so I remained confused. Truth is, he was the confused one. We DID have issues, and I don't think either one of us could see them clearly enough at the time.

 

In my case, unfortunely, my ex ended up trying to stick it out with me until he left me for another woman who he could commit to... and he is marrying her in a few months.

 

I know this is a very sad story to hear, but it really taught me a lot living through it.

 

I spent literally YEARS trying to make my ex love me and stay with me, and he was doing the same for me.... but if the pieces don't fit... they JUST DON'T FIT.

 

Perhaps all your man needs is time, and perhaps he WILL come back, but for now all you can do is let him go, as much as it may kill you to do so... and trust me... I know exactly how much it does.

 

But the good news - time really does do wonders.... and you can and WILL heal. You just need to focus on yourself as much as possible. There are a ton of very wise and supportive people here at ENA. Talk to us. Talk to your family and friends. Do things for yourself. Take things one day at a time.

 

If he comes back to you, that will be wonderful.... but don't put your life on hold in the meantime.... he has already caused you pain that you need to heal from.

[recentlysingle]

if you knew he was a committaphobe then why does this surprise you? The phobia has nothing to do with love. Thats why he can leave and still love you.

I've never been out with a CP so didn't realise the tragic consequences until it was too late. Plus he was also giving me hope and reasons to love and believe him - telling me that he loved me so much and could see himself settling down with me and starting a family after the MBA

[EQD]

^i know, i was there too. But at least we both know now that the name really does say it all.

[richmonder80]

DO NOT GIVE UP ON HIM!!!!!!!!!! True love knows no ends. He is confused and lost, ok, got that and he feels that he doesnt want to string you along and the guilt of that caused him to break it. He is in self destructive phase. He is not a commitment phobe, he is simply deattaching himself from the most important thing in his life (you) because he doesn't want to end up hurting you as he has no clue, idea, of what his life has for him in the future. Reassure him that you are not going anywhere and he will come back.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This could be commitmentphobia, or it could be something else. People don't always tell you the real reasons for a break up because it is not socially acceptable or their family or friends may not accept it.

 

There are many people who do not want to do a long distance relationship, which basically means they go without sex for long periods of time. If he is in NY and you London, and he will be in NY for a year or two, he may well decide he doesn't want the dry spell and wants to date there.

 

So he could well come back to you, but meanwhile he is free to date. Or he may already have met someone there (and just not want the grief from you and his parents over leaving you).

 

The point about true commitmentphobes is that they usually feel 'safer' and more happy in situations where there is some distance or built in excuse for not being 'smothered' by a relationship. So if he's a true commitmentphobe, being in NY wouldn't precipitate such a breakup, but meeting (or wanting to date) someone else would.

 

The real point though is that you shouldn't be patiently waiting for someone who breaks up with you. He has made his choice, and now needs to live with the full consequences of that. I would tell him to only contact you IF he decides he wants to get back together, but otherwise don't text, email, call etc. He needs to experience what it really means to not have you in his life permanently, to make sure that is what he really wants or not.

[recentlysingle]

Thanks for the advice...everyone has been really helpful on ENA. I sincerely hope that he realises what a mistake he's made and with therapy can understand the root causes of his fear. He did mention that it was a feeling of wanting to be alone and loss of control combined with the fact that he did feel a huge amount of guilt for asking me to keep waiting while he was unsure that he could commit and didn't know what he wanted from me, life and his career.

[MattMonkey881]

I posted most of this in a previous thread today but it might apply here:

 

**My relationship just ended this past Sunday, she ended it after another long discussion of many. Ours lasted a bit longer at 4.5 years, with about a ~1.5month (Oct~Nov) NC break a little after the 4th year. We met in College, both engineering majors. We are about your age, I am 26 shes 25, never lived together. Both graduated with good jobs.

 

I remember reading your BF is in an analytical major and it sounds like you both went it circles thinking about it as did we. After our NC break we both felt the sparks in our relationship come back, but when things got good she would noticably withdraw emotionally and this sorta went in cycles. I really wanted to move the relationship forward and discuss our future together-- getting a place together, marriage --so I initiated conversation and we talked a lot about trying to figure things out during our final month. I've avoided talks about the future in the past because i always got the sense she was somewhat shakey with it, i didnt want to place to much pressure. Also she never included me when talk of 'future' was indirectly brought up, most of the stories involved being a hermit but i always thought she was part joking

 

Like your story it was me initiating these conversations almost all the time and it brought alot of pain, sadness, and frustration/anger, especially with me. These talks were always very difficult, questions were hard, some had no answers. Issues were brought up like her fear of 'forever', also she felt if we got in deeper with our relationship and something 'happened' it would be more difficult to separate. Another similarity between you and her was the preferance to just be 'alone' at times, read, she said she wasnt the most exciting person

 

I tried to find reasons or faults with myself during our talks but she repeatedly said it wasnt me-- she wasnt bored of me, still found me attractive, there wasnt another man, and the spark was still there. During this final month we still some of the normal dating things, dinner out, places, spaced between these talks. A funny thing was the sex was mind blowing during the final month while we were having these discussions, I guess it was all the emotion flying around. We loved each other and probably still do but she felt like she had to separate, stating this was a feeling in the back of her mind that wouldnt go away. Again, fear of forever, and maybe greener grass. I suggested we go seek couples counciling or therapy but she didnt want too-- scared + effort involved. We both stated we wouldnt work out as friends, so we stopped all contact with each other after our break up. She had this fantasy that we would meet maybe 10 or so years down the line, settle down and be happy together, but i dont see that happening. I really do need to move on. **

 

We did read the book "hes scared, shes scared" while going through all this. I found it cute that she tabbied it like an engineering text book back in the day. But in the end this was her decision. I feel like I gave my best effort, and have a feeling that persuing this at a later time would just end up causing me more pain.

 

She did have serious issues with her parents while growing up as well.

 

Feels good to have someone to relate to RecentlyS...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the "commitment-phobe" goes deeper than just afraid of committing to a relationship. He seems afraid to commit to life in general. He quit his job to run to the US to do an MBA (were there really no places to do an MBA closer to home!!!) and now he is doubting his decision to do an MBA. He is a lost soul all the way around and so the reason he gave you is quite reasonable. He doesn't know which end is up all the way around. He needs to sort himself out before he is ready to give himself to a relationship. Maybe once he has found himself he will come back to you.

 

I also agree with Litgrl that just because somebody marries doesn't mean they are no longer a commitmentphobe. People have indeed completely distanced themselves from their partner once they get married. Marriage is just the legal union of two people...it does not really indicate the true commitment between them which comes from the heart, body and soul.

[Litgirl01]

CAD is right! It is also typical of a CP to move far away from home or do something like join to peace corps...it is the ultimate way of creating space! CPs genuinely feel almost claustrophobic (my ex said that he felt like a caged animal) and they will do anything to create space...cheat, move far away, have insurmountable boundaries, an overly busy schedule, pick stupid fights, find fault with their partners, etc. And yes, they are often uncommited in most areas of their life! ;-) Beware...they are just as uncommited to leaving the relationship as they are to staying. So, they can really create major confusion with their words and actions. It usually ends being very painful for YOU!

[violingirl]

crazyaboutdogs and Litgirl01 are exactly on point. In my experience, there is nothing more painful than dealing with the end of a relationship with a CP. My last relationship was with a CP. We were together for 19 months. We never fought, there were no major problems. But, every so often he would freak out about commitment, saying that he wasn't sure he would be able to give me what I want. At the same time, he told that these were all his issues and that he was working on them, and told me that I was the perfect girlfriend.

 

In the end, he suddenly broke up with me over the phone. He told me that he needed "to be alone" to work on his issues, and hinted that we may get back together someday, but not in the near future. It was all a lie. In truth, he had left me for his older "best friend"/ex-girlfriend (who I had gotten to know while we were together) (it took him months to admit this to me). A year and a half after the breakup, I found out that he had cheated on me with another one of his ex-girlfriends about 2 1/2 months before we broke up.

 

Also, in the end, he turned everything around on me. I was no longer the "perfect girlfriend." Instead, I suppose to justify his leaving me, I was suddenly "manipulative," "controlling," "smothering" and "just like his mother," and had supposedly made him tell me he loved me under "duress." It's funny, but I don't recall ever holding a gun to his head when he told me he loved me.

 

In all, it's really sick and what CPs do really messes with your confidence and self-esteem. Like you, I really believed in my ex and truly loved him and was supportive of him. But it was all for nothing, because I was the one who got screwed over badly in the end.

[Litgirl01]

^^^ Amen to that sister!!! CP's cause a lot of pain!!

[recentlysingle]

That's terrible violingirl! Maybe his real reasons will come out in time as well!

I've kept myself so busy with friends and been doing something everynight. I've talked about it so much that it doesn't feel real anymore but it also helps that he's not physically present in London. He's coming back in May and apparently he's in the process of writing me a letter! Lord knows what that will reveal!