here it comes...

[allmessedup]

I broke up with my boyfriend tonight.

 

Turns out the entire 8 months we were together he was also seeing his ex.

 

Suspected all along. Tonight he was actually caught.

 

so.

 

Im doing really well now. I let him explain(i know i only got half the story from him but its better than nothing.) I i didnt say much at all. Agreed with him that, yes, he's a selfish piece of garbage. Even made a bad jokes at the situation Then i told him there was nothing for me to say, he left me with no choice, said goodbye and left him crying in his living room.

 

im not here to say how awesomely i may or may not have handled this.

im here partially to vent.

but mostly im here because im terrified of whats coming.

 

i feel strong now.

no one deserves what he did.

 

but as i get ready to spend my night alone, i get the sick feeling by about my 10th or 11th night alone i will be miserable, unhappy, and might even do something stupid IE: speak to him... just to make it stop.

 

any imput anyone can give me to remind me how cheaters never change, no one who loves you would do this, men are all garbage, whatever you want. Im just hoping for some words of wisdom to fall back on incase i get a little weak and lonely.

 

thanks.

[brahman]

Well I hope you know that there is a little garbage in everybody(not just men). But I am the same way, I have never and will never forgive a cheater. Cheaters only want two things, to draw attention to themselves because they are too cowardess to do what they want, and to believe they are some how the victim. Its a completely self centered thing to do, especially if you love that person.

 

My advice is to find a friend and talk it out, because things will become bottled up inside of you and if that is not released properly,then it will come out in a not so positive way(like sleeping with him bc ur lonely). or worse, like doing something with a random person you have no idea has std's. by the way, please don't sleep with that fool, or even talk to him, contact is the one thing everyone seems to agree on as being a bad idea directly after break up.

[d24]

it'll be hard but you'll be stronger for it.

It may take weeks or months of pain and heartache but eventually...

you'll be even stronger than you feel now and you'll feel so proud of yourself

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How long had him and his ex been broken up before the two of you started dating? Not all cheaters are created equal even though the outcome is the same. There is a difference between a cheater who simply gets entertainment out of going out with both the current girlfriend and the ex versus the cheater who does it because they are still hung up on the ex but the ex is stringing them along so they continue with the new woman as well. The first scenario is done with malicious intent whereas the second scenario is done out of confusion and self-preservation. So while the "once a cheater always a cheater" cliché may apply in the first case, it doesn't necessarily apply in the second case because the reasons behind the cheating were different.

 

Was he seeing her the entire 8 months or was it very recent? Were they trying to get back together?

 

The betrayal is a tough thing to get over. Right now you are in the angry stage but the betrayal will hit you. Don't be surprised if he calls you back. You have to hang tough. You lived well without him for most of your life and you will be fine without him again.

[Clabs]

Hey allmessedup

 

Darling - I am so sorry about this mess - what a rotten bastard.

 

Someone who would cheat on you really is not worth the time of day - let alone cheat on you all this while. Just remember - he has been cheating on her as well - what a loser.

 

Despite all this - you are right - there will be some sad/lonley times ahead but remind yourself what he has done to you. He has done it once and you'd constantly and quite rightly be checking up on him if you did take him back.

 

Not all men are garbage, although he certainly fits the bill quite well. You chose a wrong 'un - someone who really didn't care about you and your feelings. There are plenty of guys out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

You have done right in leaving him be and exiting with your dignity intact. Make sure it stays that way - don't contact him for any reason. Come back on here if you want to vent again or feel the urge to contact him. It may get tough but certainly no tougher than finding out what you have.

 

Mark

[allmessedup]

thank you for the responses.

 

the victim thing actually made me laugh a little brahman. he actually claims he could not turn his back on her because she could get him fired...which is rediculous drama queen fiction.

 

 

as for the ex. they had been broken up for many years but she resurfaced right before we started dating.

they were seeing each other the entire time, and she apparently thought i was "just a friend"

 

i wouldnt worry about me sleeping with him. currently the thought makes me want to vomit.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Eight months together seems like a long time, but you are really in the 'getting to know one another' phase with him. You were in love with who he presented himself to be, but it can really take a couple years (or more) to REALLY know a person. People are on their good behavior in the beginning and one has to see them over time and many experiences to discover their true self.

 

But now you have learned something about his true self, that he would lie to two women to get what he wanted. He is QUITE selfish obviously, and a liar as well as a cheat.

 

Next time you think about getting with him, that should stop you in your tracks. He actively deceived you both to get the sexual variety (or attention and admiration) that he craved. He sounds VERY selfish, and if you stuck around to get to know him even more, you would find he is selfish in other ways i am sure.

 

Just remind yourself you don't want to spend the rest of your life anxiously watching and waiting to see the next woman he will cheat with. You may have feelings for him, but those feelings are for who you THOUGHT he was, not who he is. There are lots and lots of decent men who wouldn't cheat (all men are not garbage, but many are). You just have to make sure you throw out this particular sack of garage, and look for someone who isn't quite so stinky!

[healthseeker]

Let me tell you what I did one time to prevent myself from going back to a "going nowhere fast relationship" out of lonliness:

 

I wrote "To Thine Own Self Be True" on post-its and put them up everywhere. When I had a weak moment...I would go read it again.

 

It worked! Everyday I got stronger and stronger. I actually paid attention to the meaning behind it and started to think about the life I thought I deserved. I suppose it's true that we wear this on our sleeve...because the next boyfriend I had, I married almost 8 yrs ago!

 

Be true to yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

thank you for the responses.

 

the victim thing actually made me laugh a little brahman. he actually claims he could not turn his back on her because she could get him fired...which is rediculous drama queen fiction.

 

 

as for the ex. they had been broken up for many years but she resurfaced right before we started dating.

they were seeing each other the entire time, and she apparently thought i was "just a friend"

 

i wouldnt worry about me sleeping with him. currently the thought makes me want to vomit.

 

Oh wow...that guy really is a piece of work. Looks like he fits the malicious class of cheaters...did it for the thrill. What a loser. He was actually crying when you left him....most likely crocodile tears.

[cr44hill]

allmessedup -

 

What a loser that guy is, sorry, as I know you surely have mixed emotions, but at the end of the day that is not someone you want to be with. You did the right thing. Keep coming on here and venting when you need to, we are here to listen and advise. I know you didn't want praise for how you did or didn't handle it, but let me just say I think you handled it perfectly. He should be left there in his tears, he brought this on himself and has no one else to blame. It is too bad not everyone can operate with the respect and integrity that we expect as a given, it sure would make life easier.

[bambina maxima]

Dear lord... What garbage with that excuse. "I had to sleep with her, or I'd lose my job." Pllllllllllleaaaaaaaaaase. If she really tried to leverage her position at work to "coerce" him into sleeping with her, he should have SUED her, not had sex with her.

 

You did well. Take some time to yourself, take care of yourself. Feel your feelings. Put all the stuff that reminds you of him in a box and put it in storage. I strongly recommend no contact.