So confused and hurt

[jd21]

My ex says that he still has strong feelings for me. He told me that he loves me, has never met a girl that compared to me, is very physically attracted to me and yet he doesn't want to be together. I don't understand. He says that he does not want a serious, committed relationship now. He wants to take advantage of being single in college. We have been together since the end of high school and I am now a sophomore in college, he is a junior. I think that we started to fight a lot towards the end and that just helped him make his decision. I feel that I was responsible for a lot of fights and I feel so guilty. I feel like I took him and what we had for granted. I wish he would give us another chance and nt give up so easily but the truth is is that he doesn't want the relationship. Is there anything I could do? I've written him a letter that explained how I've been feeling and how things would be different. He said that we never know what can happen in the future. The things is is that I don't know if I could go back to him if he has had intimate relationships with other girls while we were apart. I think it would just be too hard but I would try. So I guess I have a few questions - why after all he has said to me since we broke up , about how much he loves me and everything, does he want this to end? Can I do anything to make him realize he should give us another chance? The other one is will it be possible to get back together after being hurt? And does it make sense how I think it would be hard if he was with other girls in between?

[Beec]

First stop chasing this guy. Because that is what you are doing. No more letters pouring out your heart about how you feel and will be heart-broken if he sleeps with anyone else. He is telling you he love's you but has still dumped you, so maybe he does or maybe he is just saying it so you are not hurt.

 

While you may be jealous and heart-broken if he sleeps with someone else, that is an issue you will need to deal with if he does and then both come back toward a relationship. It's not an immediate issue so concentrate first on whether you want him back. If you do, then go get him.

 

How do you get him: be a friend, don't chase him, adopt the attitude that he is not the only fish in the sea (i.e. date or try to date some or more than one other guys), and finally adopt the attitude toward him that he is never going to get anyone better for him than you, i.e. communicate toward him that "If you ever want to come back, you should do it soon, because I am the woman who can be your friend, love you and rock your world, and I am not going to be on the market forever. You are getting the special offer, and would be wise to snap it up now." But don't give him anything other than friendship, make him come to you to get anything more. You are letting him know that you are available to him, but you are not throwing yourself on him or being desparate.

[avman]

Hello jd21,

 

Well it is possible to love someone, yet not want to be in a relationship with them. It sounds like your ex has done some soul searching and just decided he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship.

 

I know its hard to accept this. But there is probably nothing you could do that is going to change his mind. This is something he has decided for himself. There isn't anything wrong with you. Its just that the relationship isn't what he wants right now. Maybe it will be in the future, but then again maybe not. I don't think you should put your life on hold waiting for him to change his mind.

 

I think its time for you to start thinking of yourself right now and begin to heal and move on. It is a difficult thing to do, but really its one of the only options you have. You cannot MAKE him want to be in the relationship. All you can do is be yourself.

[jd21]

Thank you for all of the advice. Lokagirla, I agree with everything you said, I just don't know how much it applys to my ex. Maybe I phrased it wrong. He didn't say he wanted to take advantage of being single, that's just the way I put it. He said that he needs to know he can be independent again because we had been so serious for so long. He said that he doesn't want any regrets if we do end up together in the future and he doesn't want me to resent him either. I agree thatif he loved me enough, he wouldn't have any doubts but I also don't think we could have stayed in the relationship if he wasn't sure of it. Resentment would build up which would ruin the relationship. Even though I am hurt, I can't help but hope for the day that he realizes what he lost. It's also confusing because he was never the type of guy to be afraid of committment. We even used to talk abotu marriage. He would never have cheated on me, he wouldn't even say other girls were pretty in front of me. I just don't understand what happned to make him change hi feelings so drastically. We did argue towards the end but I think that was just because we wee both frustrated with the relationship. I love him more than I can say so it's very hard. Sonmeone once said to think of it as though the person you had the relationship with has died. He is different now and I don't know what happened to cause it.

[latinstyle]

JD, all the people on here have given you great advice but the fact of the matter is that you are probably not going to use it. Why? Because you are too hurt, and are thinking of him every second right? I am going throught the same thing right now except my girlfriend and I were together 6 years.

 

The truth is something or someone has caught the attention of our significant others whether it be partying or someone thy found attractive. It kills me to know that but it's true. I tried everything, shopping, dating, going out and nothing worked to make me feel better but my girlfriend found out and started calling me. Not to get back together but she told me she heard I was dating.

 

I heard the same about her and in a moment of weakness I cussed her out and told her to F-off but we talked and we both admitted that we wanted eachother in our lives. We still talk almost daily and hang out and she told me she wants us to work out but is not ready get together.

 

So I am acting like new interest. Being nice not calling too much, light and cheerful. That is all I can do. Do what your heart tells you.

 

-Eibarra