Just venting. Again.

[MattW]

Hah, wow, it's been a while since I made that first "venting" topic in this board... Anyway, different situation now. For those of you who aren't familiar with my posts, I'm 19, and I've been making plans to start college in the fall (I held out on college this last year rather than go right into after high school). Thing is, I've been having a lot of issues with my mom about it. Fellow eNA user, Crazyaboutdogs, has assured me it's just the "Empty Nest Syndrome", but I still feel like venting about it, anyway, because it's still bothering me.

 

Anyway, the college I'd really like to attend is two hours away from where I currently live. So, I'd not only have to move out of my parents house, but move quite a distance away, and I think that's where a lot of the grief is stemming from. See, thing about me is, I don't have very good people skills. I can be pretty shy around other males, mostly because I'm easily intimidated. Often times, I may even become a target to them. I had horrible experiences in high school where I got picked on and bullied for no other reason than the fact that I was an "easy target". I had very few friends (in fact, I still don't really have any, to be honest), and I have lots of trouble meeting new people. Although, strangely enough, I only really clam up around guys; I've never really had much trouble being myself around girls, but I can't exactly just be friends with mostly girls.

 

That's one of the things my mom is really using against me; she doesn't believe I can handle being out on my own like that, and to be honest, I'm already having the same doubts about myself, so her bringing it up doesn't help matters. As bad as things got for me in school, I always had my mom to help me through it, and her and I are very close. Her and I both fear that I'll end up moving away to college, then get bullied, picked on, and harassed just like in high school, only this time, I won't have my mom around to help me through it. That scares the hell out of me, and again, her saying the same thing isn't very reassuring to me.

 

To add on to that, I've never even really been "on my own". I've never had the house to myself for more than a couple of hours, I've never even slept over some one else's house (besides a few times when I was really young). So there's a lot of things I have to worry about already; I'm not good with meeting new people, I'm going to have to room with a complete stranger and adapt to that, etc. I know that's something most people go through when moving out and going to college, but it's so much worse to me, considering how I am.

 

And I really do want to change, and become more socially active and all that, but I just don't know that I'm strong enough to change... And there's quite a bit riding on this, too. My family's not doing so great, financially, so chances are, I'll have to depend on financial aid, and student loans to pay for school. And if I get there and find I can't handle it, I'm going to be responsible for that debt, and all for nothing. So it's a really big, important step. If I DON'T change the way I am, I could end up screwing myself up pretty badly.

 

So those are the issues my mom has been pounding into my head (even though I'm already fairly aware, and concerned, myself, about them). I'm not really mad or upset with my mom; she's not yelling, or being really argumentative, she's trying to guilt me into not going, and I do feel terrible about it. I only know one person that goes to this school, and that person is a girl (with a boyfriend, at that). I've talked to this girl online, and she's told me that she'd be happy to help me adjust and get comfortable over there, but I know I won't be able to depend on her that much. There IS another person I just found out about that goes there, a guy, but I don't know him THAT well. I've been trying to get in touch with him, too, but he doesn't seem to use his MySpace or Facebook pages very often to get the messages. My mom said to me that if I don't get in contact with this guy and try to get him to agree to be my room mate (instead of having to live with a complete stranger), that I'm "not going to this school". Although, being that I'm legally an adult, she can't actually do anything, but still, it's more about the thought behind it.

 

I dunno... Not only am I, myself, terrified about making the move, and being so far away from my family, but I also feel really bad about "leaving" my mom. Last year, she had a horrible, rough year, what with some medical troubles, and stress from my "extended" family, and even though things have been getting better since then, I feel like I'm all my mom has, in a sense. I mean, my sister and my grandma treat my mom like garbage, my aunts and uncles do nothing to my mom but stress her out... Yeah, my mom still had my dad, but my dad... isn't so good with emotions. When my mom gets upset and needs some support from some one, my dad gets nervous and doesn't know how to handle it, so he just kinda steers away and gives her space. I usually end up being the one that listens, and gives support. So, I dunno, I'm just getting really stressed out about it, especially because time seems to be moving so fast. @_@

[enchiladaman]

You'll be fine. I had a very protective mother and eventually your mother will get used to the fact that you are no longer her little precious snowflake and that you are your own man and will be doing your own thing and making your own decisions soon enough. It takes many years and a few arguments/conflicts between the two of you before she really starts to let go of her controlling behavior.

 

Don't worry about college at all. There is nothing to fear. Everyone going there will be in the exact same situation as you and will be scared and know no one. Great part about going to college is that the variety of personalities and interests will be perhaps the most diverse you're likely to encounter in your life. Good chances that you will connect with some of these people and you'll most likely make some life long friends.

 

Beigng away from your family and leaving your mom will be a great growing experience. You will find out more about who you are as a person now that your thinking and actions aren't restricted by parental control.

 

I would also take this opportunity to get out of your shell a bit. You don't know anyone there and this is a good time to experiment a bit socially. Find clubs or groups that have similar interests as you. There is a club at large colleges for just about anything you can imagine and you can make friends with like minded people.

 

Most importantly, you should be thankful and happy that you get the opportunity to go to a college and get your education - and are embarking on some of the best times of your life. Be happy and enthusiastic, not sad and discouraged.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It is natural to be nervous and wonder if things will fall into place when you move away to University. University is not at all like high school. You will meet people in your classes and it won't always be the same people in every class. There are lots of groups you can join as well. You really should take the plunge. It is not healthy for your or for your mother to remain sheltered. A previous landlord I had was incredibly sheltered that way...never moved out of his parent's house...always relied on his parents. It was sad because by the age of 70 he had never really developed social skills and other skills to really take care of himself. Moving away will help you develop the skills you need to be self-sufficient. Your parents won't be around forever and you need to start becoming independent now...you will be fine.