Break-up of a 11 year marriage

[robert-45]

Yes, she's a lawyer, too, obsessed with advancement of her prestige. Well, because of our placement schedule, we have to deal with each other a lot (I have Tues, Thurs, Sat, so lots of transitions). And the kids have so many activities and we're always having to go back and forth to each other's houses to get stuff for them or we see each other at the soccer games or recitals or whatever. And sometimes they both have something going and we have to each take one kid. Today she brought over a couple boxes of junk she found in the garage that she says was mine. As if I wanted the crap. And there's all kinds of nice things of mine I left in the house for them because I didn't want the walls or shelves or rooms to be bare. If she's bringing that junk over here, it seems to be her way of saying, I'm not coming back. It's sad. And she does see I'm upset and I concealed my moving on because I didn't want to hurt her back when I was moving on. Now, I'm not moving on. But, I know I've got to. I know all of us here have had to deal with this and I imagine most of us have figured it out. I can't seem to do that. At least, not now.

[robert-45]

Her father is not a mind-reader. He is just giving you an opinion. I think the only one who matters here is your wife.

 

My family doesn't like my ex-wife, so they actively discourage me from pursuing any sort of reconciliation. However, I believe they don't like her because she never got close to them, and they were all from close-knit families. She wasn't, and she is very uncomfortable with them not because she didn't like them as people, because she would have been uncomfortable with anyone in that situation. So, while I value their opinion, I am not running my life based on it.

 

Her father used to like me, for what that's worth. I think she had told him she was done with me, so he was urging me to move on.

[robert-45]

I think I might have hijacked this thread. Sorry. But, I do appreciate all the help. Keep it coming. I'm reading that trust/lizard article. Thanks.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Her father used to like me, for what that's worth. I think she had told him she was done with me, so he was urging me to move on.

 

Okay...and he's still not her. He's just giving you his opinion, and he's not the one in the relationship. And that's just my opinion.

 

Consider that she might have told him that she was done with you because she was trying to convince herself. She may have told him so that she didn't have to listen to a speech from him about "look, if its over its over" because she didn't want to hear that. Or, maybe she's done with you. I don't think he knows. I think she knows.

[robert-45]

Okay...and he's still not her. He's just giving you his opinion, and he's not the one in the relationship. And that's just my opinion.

 

Consider that she might have told him that she was done with you because she was trying to convince herself. She may have told him so that she didn't have to listen to a speech from him about "look, if its over its over" because she didn't want to hear that. Or, maybe she's done with you. I don't think he knows. I think she knows.

 

Well, she does say that she's done with me. So, if I take that at face value, then I just try to move on?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Well, she does say that she's done with me. So, if I take that at face value, then I just try to move on?

 

I think that her saying she's done with you makes sense to her. I think that you can only work on yourself and improve yourself and perhaps she will be attracted to the new you when her current relationship runs its course.

 

In some ways, I think you're luckier than me. My ex gives me continual mixed messages. When I have discussed a future reconciliation, she never says "no." She says she still loves me. She says that "this chapter is closed", but not that "this story is over." She says that she just "needs a break from me." She is moving to Texas but says "Texas isn't forever." Its made it that much more difficult to move on. If she said "Eyes, you and I have no future, don't even consider it", I think it would suck more in the short run, and be easier to handle in the long run.

[pumpkinmoon]

He may be her father but it's not his place to say whether the divorce should go ahead or not.

 

The fact that he was a "big shot" I think has a lot to do with it. She is probably looking to him for help to better her career. Don't for 1 second worry about how you moving on would affect her feelings, just think about your own and look after yourself. I think her bringing your things over has something to do with the power eyesontheprize was talking about. She is doing it because she can, and she probably knows it would upset you. She may say that its definitely over, but I think her judgment could very well be clouded by this new man. If they have only been together a few months the novelty of him is still there, that will wear off.

[robert-45]

Actually, she has told me she wants to get through the divorce first. And then, maybe she'd consider it. But, that doesn't sound very hopeful to me.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Actually, she has told me she wants to get through the divorce first. And then, maybe she'd consider it. But, that doesn't sound very hopeful to me.

 

Of course it doesn't sound hopeful. I'm sure that makes perfect sense to you. I think that most people think a divorce is the end of everything. And I see it somewhat differently. When boyfriends and girlfriends break up and get back together, I think it sometimes seems normal, but when its wrapped around a piece of paper (the marriage license or the divorce decree), it seems to me like it takes on a whole different meaning. She may just want the space the divorce will give you. While she's not my ex, when I approached my ex about doing a separation instead of the divorce, she said that she would still feel "trapped" by the silver cord of a separation. Maybe your wife has similar feelings. I think that giving her whatever space she needs is in your best interest. I'm not sure, though, since I'm coming from the dumpee side, not the dumper.

[annie24]

why did you leave your wife in the first place? what kinds of problems were you having? and if you got back together, what makes you think that things would be different, this time around?

[pumpkinmoon]

haha, I'm not sure, there should be I suppose. I think the methods used can work in the same way for men and women though

[tangi39]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the pain you must be experiencing.

 

If I may ask, what made you decide to leave your family in the first place ?

What do you think you could have "worked harder on " ?

Did you mutually decide to separate or was it your sole decision ?

 

This makes a lot of difference on what advice I'd give you.

[robert-45]

why did you leave your wife in the first place? what kinds of problems were you having? and if you got back together, what makes you think that things would be different, this time around?

 

She was angry and resentful for all kinds of things in the past. Some of which I deserved blame for; others of which I didn't. We argued a lot. We didn't consult each other about major decisions or if we did and didn't like the answer, we'd go ahead and do what we wanted anyway.

 

I was intransigent then. I thought she should take responsibility for what she did wrong before I would apologize for what I had done wrong.

[robert-45]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the pain you must be experiencing.

 

If I may ask, what made you decide to leave your family in the first place ?

What do you think you could have "worked harder on " ?

Did you mutually decide to separate or was it your sole decision ?

 

This makes a lot of difference on what advice I'd give you.

 

I could have worked harder on solving problems without drama. I was angry. I felt hurt. I didn't appreciate what I had.

 

I feel my leaving was immature, that I took my marbles and went away, thinking she would then begin to take responsibility for her role in the downward spiral, but although she wanted me to come back, she never accepted responsibility and still hasn't.

 

She had kicked me out and retracted it. My leaving was my sole decision. I feel she created a hostile environment and it was my only option, but now I see I could have and should have tried to work things out.

[CatsMeeoow]

Just keep in mind for the first year she was probably devastated. She was left to wonder what went wrong, what's so wrong with her, how could you do this to the kids....

 

She's probably picked herself up and moved on best she can and for her was to focous on her career... it gave her a way to get over you.

 

Don't say that she values this guy and moving up more than saving her family because I have no doubt while you were out cavorting around she wanted nothing more than to save it.

 

If you have any chance at reconciling you must step back and see things through her eyes even if you don't agree with it. If you can't take the time to understand her then she'll never have a desire to understand you.

 

Everything you are feeling right now... she felt a year and a half ago... really understand that...

 

Good Luck!

[robert-45]

You're right. I agree with everything you said. I'm beating myself for being a jerk. And, I'm beating myself for taking too long to realize what I jerk I was. My behavior has caused such loss and destruction. I know I just need to pick up the pieces and go from here, learn from my mistakes, do right in the future where I did wrong in the past. But, now I'm facing some practical problems. I never anticipated what money I would have coming in and going out. I'm trying to get a handle on that, but it's hard. I have a condo and a car that I both owe more on than their worth. The car is a real embarrassment because I bought it as I entered my mid-life crisis (Saab convertible) as the family's second car. Now I'm stuck with it and the payments as my "family car." Ugh. The condo may have made some sense for a single or a couple, but not a single guy with kids half the time. And, because of my money situation, there's no way out my mistakes, at least no easy way, or no way I can find. I know the answer is learn from my mistakes, accept them, and move on. I think I've learned something. I guess I accept them. But, moving on seems like mountains to climb. I know. She figured it out. Why can't I? I'm just not so resilient, not even resilient enough to deal with self-inflicted problems. Am I not alone?

[CatsMeeoow]

Well THE very best thing you can do now is realize - OK your stuck the "hey I'm mid-forty and trying to make up for something car" and the "condo"... can't change those things for now. But, don't lose hope as so many things can change in 12 to 24 months.

 

Get yourself a new focous - this can be your job or a new hobby. When you have your kids really really spend time with them. Do activities... enjoy them (I know it bites when you only have them a fraction of the time!) This doesn't have to be trips to DWorld every weekend but start making new traditions... just you and your kids like every Sunday night is pizza/movie night or something. BE HAPPY... BE TRULY HAPPY... Kids talk... and they talk alot! Words will trickle in to your ex about this or that... that they are truly happy and excited about you...

 

Work on YOUR issues that led to the demise of the marriage.

 

Be kind and cordial to your ex. If you've told her how you feel this is all a mistake now - let it sink in... She's probably still feeling 'yah, sure now that I have someone in my life blah blah blah'. Give her time to see that you aren't skirt chasing anymore and you've made a point to make improvements... agree with her even when you don't want to... let her see that you support her when she is right.

 

I don't know what will happen in the future but all this will never happen over night. Don't push and don't demand. It will be a long bumpy road and it may hurt a lot over time but in the end you will find yourself!

 

Safe Journey

[EyesOnThePrize]

When I was saying goodbye to my ex-wife yesterday, I said that I was going to keep working on myself to become a better man. Her response was "I'll believe it when I see it", and given our history, I think that was fair. I suspect that your ex may have similar feelings. You can tell her you want to come back all you want, and until you can prove to her that you really have changed from the man she knew before, why would she believe you? The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.