Break-up of a 11 year marriage

[robert-45]

I initiated the break-up of a 11 year marriage with two kids. I didn't look back for a year and a half. Then, I tried to reconcile. She wasn't receptive. The divorce is still pending. I wish I could go back in time and have tried harder to work things out before leaving.

[pumpkinmoon]

link removed hope this link works... its about 50 pages long mind but it seems pretty good x

[pumpkinmoon]

I initiated the break-up of a 11 year marriage with two kids. I didn't look back for a year and a half. Then, I tried to reconcile. She wasn't receptive. The divorce is still pending. I wish I could go back in time and have tried harder to work things out before leaving.

 

What made you realise this after a year and a half?

[EyesOnThePrize]

I initiated the break-up of a 11 year marriage with two kids. I didn't look back for a year and a half. Then, I tried to reconcile. She wasn't receptive. The divorce is still pending. I wish I could go back in time and have tried harder to work things out before leaving.

 

How much groveling are you willing to do? She may be receptive to that.

[robert-45]

What made you realise this after a year and a half?

 

Good question. I had been numbing myself to the pain. I had been in denial. I went off anti-depressants, stopped dating, stopped drinking. Then, I faced reality. It is painful. I'm very depressed now. I'm back on anti-depressants, but not dating or drinking.

[EyesOnThePrize]

link removed hope this link works... its about 50 pages long mind but it seems pretty good x

 

Is there a version for guys? lol.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well hopefully we can help you here. How did she take the break up? Is she with anyone else now?

[robert-45]

How much groveling are you willing to do? She may be receptive to that.

 

I've done a lot of groveling. She has somebody new. He's 65. She's 41. I'm 45.

[robert-45]

Well hopefully we can help you here. How did she take the break up? Is she with anyone else now?

 

Yes, she is. He's a recently retired partner at the law firm she's at. He's 65. She's 41. I'm 45. I'm a lawyer, too, but not the hotshot this other guy is or was and not the hotshot my wife is itching to become. So, her professional advancement really seems to mean more to her than having an intact family.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Is it always the dumper who has to instigate the reconcilliation?

[pumpkinmoon]

Not really sure what to make of this situation as I don't know enough details. Have you had any indication that she has feelings for you still? How long as she been with him?

[pumpkinmoon]

Is it always the dumper who has to instigate the reconcilliation?

 

I don't believe so, I hope not anyway. I think dumpees can do it but I think they have to be subtle about it.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

I don't believe so, I hope not anyway. I think dumpees can do it but I think they have to be subtle about it.

 

I suppose its a case of "He who dares wins!"

 

Whoever is strong enough to make that first move.

[robert-45]

Well hopefully we can help you here. How did she take the break up? Is she with anyone else now?

 

Sorry, I didn't answer your other question. She was pretty devastated by the break-up. Even though she had "kicked me out," and retracted it, she seemed wanted me to come back. She wouldn't apologize for anything though. She would try to get my family to put pressure on me to go back, but she didn't ask me directly. She once asked my mother how to get me to come back and my mother suggested that she try being nicer to me. She didn't try that and was angry at my mother after that. She was angry before I left and seemed to get angrier and angrier until she just moved on.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yes, she is. He's a recently retired partner at the law firm she's at. He's 65. She's 41. I'm 45. I'm a lawyer, too, but not the hotshot this other guy is or was and not the hotshot my wife is itching to become. So, her professional advancement really seems to mean more to her than having an intact family.

 

How long has she been with him? How soon after the breakup did she start seeing him? Did she know him and what was your impression of her relationship with him before the break-up?

[pumpkinmoon]

It certainly seemed like she cared a lot at the time really, to approach you mother must have been hard too. But really when you think of it, a year and a half isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. And looking back on my feelings of 1.5 years ago, theyre pretty fresh in my memory even to the extent of I can remember where I was and what I was thinking at the time.

[robert-45]

Not really sure what to make of this situation as I don't know enough details. Have you had any indication that she has feelings for you still? How long as she been with him?

 

Thanks so much Shoe Fairy and everybody else for trying to help me. I am pretty down. She was teary eyed when I proposed reconciliation. I think she has feelings for me, but she's still mad. She doesn't trust me. I played dirty. I bought a condo behind her back. I deeply regret that now and have apologized profusely for it and my other wrongs. She still hasn't apologized for anything and she did plenty wrong, too. She's probably been with him for several months now, although she denied it when I first suspected it. It's really not looking good on getting back together with her, but I need to find a way to move on. Right now, I'm just stuck. It's painful.

[renaissancewoman101]

Breakups are painful. Sometimes you just have to move on. But it is hard to do so. I know that.

[pumpkinmoon]

I suppose its a case of "He who dares wins!"

 

Whoever is strong enough to make that first move.

 

I have come to look at it like this...

 

No matter what we do, we may never get them back, however smoothly we play it, but it has to be worth a shot, and if we do get a little more hurt by them rejecting us again, at least we will know that we tried and did all we could instead of just letting them go and wondering if there is something we could have done.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Is it always the dumper who has to instigate the reconcilliation?

 

Always? I doubt it. However, when the dumper dumps the dumpee, I think it is a power move. I think that the dumpee pursuing the dumper continues to give the dumper the power to toy with the dumpee. Now, I also think this applies more to recent breakups. If the breakup was a longer time ago, I think the rules can be different. I think that if the dumpee has healed and he/she is looking at things through objective eyes, then he/she can make a better decision regarding whether to re-initiate contact/attempt to restart things. I believe that would be a case-by-case basis. For instance, if the dumpee is attempting to disrupt a new relationship by the dumper, I think the dumper is still in the power position. If the dumpee and dumper have resumed a friendship, I think the power position is more fluid. If the dumper has gone through several relationships I think the power shifts back to the dumpee to some extent. Most importantly, I believe if the dumpee sets conditions for a reconciliation and the dumper agrees to these conditions, then the dumpee has taken the power position.

[robert-45]

It certainly seemed like she cared a lot at the time really, to approach you mother must have been hard too. But really when you think of it, a year and a half isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. And looking back on my feelings of 1.5 years ago, theyre pretty fresh in my memory even to the extent of I can remember where I was and what I was thinking at the time.

 

To try to get back together with her, I approached her father. But, he seemed to think following through with the divorce was the way to go.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Thanks so much Shoe Fairy and everybody else for trying to help me. I am pretty down. She was teary eyed when I proposed reconciliation. I think she has feelings for me, but she's still mad. She doesn't trust me. I played dirty. I bought a condo behind her back. I deeply regret that now and have apologized profusely for it and my other wrongs. She still hasn't apologized for anything and she did plenty wrong, too. She's probably been with him for several months now, although she denied it when I first suspected it. It's really not looking good on getting back together with her, but I need to find a way to move on. Right now, I'm just stuck. It's painful.

 

Well, of course she doesn't trust you. And I think its better to know that then not to know it. To me, that says "task #1 is to win back her trust." That's unlikely to happen overnight. I found a lot of value in link removed. Right now, I believe you are not a source of safety to her lizard (folks, if you want to know about the lizard...read the paper. I think you are unlikely to be able to have a good reconciliation until you are a source of safety to her lizard. And if this new guy is a source of safety to her lizard, then I believe that your chances are much slimmer. If he's not a rebound, and she didn't start seeing him until after she had done her grieving for the relationship and her healing, then I think your chances of reconciliation are lowered.

 

I hear that you think she still has feelings and I think that is a key. I also think that whatever you are doing, pushing her is only likely to cause her to flee faster, and closer to this new guy. You may have to wait for that relationship to run its course, and that could be a month or the rest of her life. I think you have to decide how long you want to put your life on hold.

[EyesOnThePrize]

To try to get back together with her, I approached her father. But, he seemed to think following through with the divorce was the way to go.

 

Her father is not a mind-reader. He is just giving you an opinion. I think the only one who matters here is your wife.

 

My family doesn't like my ex-wife, so they actively discourage me from pursuing any sort of reconciliation. However, I believe they don't like her because she never got close to them, and they were all from close-knit families. She wasn't, and she is very uncomfortable with them not because she didn't like them as people, because she would have been uncomfortable with anyone in that situation. So, while I value their opinion, I am not running my life based on it.

[pumpkinmoon]

Thanks so much Shoe Fairy and everybody else for trying to help me. I am pretty down. She was teary eyed when I proposed reconciliation. I think she has feelings for me, but she's still mad. She doesn't trust me. I played dirty. I bought a condo behind her back. I deeply regret that now and have apologized profusely for it and my other wrongs. She still hasn't apologized for anything and she did plenty wrong, too. She's probably been with him for several months now, although she denied it when I first suspected it. It's really not looking good on getting back together with her, but I need to find a way to move on. Right now, I'm just stuck. It's painful.

 

 

Not sure if this will help but I'll try...

 

Several months isn't that long for her to be with him, I have no clue what their relationship is like, but it seems like she is using him as some kind of roll model, is she a lawyer too? Because he's a lot older than her she probably looks up to him in some way, it may also have something to do with the attention he can offer her while she was/is in this state I don't know. All you can do atm is back off. Because of your children no contact may be difficult but keep it to a minimum and try to do like the rest of us are doing... Improve yourself, work on you. Don't let her know or see that you are upset in anyway, and do everything you can to show her you're moving on. What kind of contact do you have with her atm?

[pumpkinmoon]

I totally agree with this.

 

I think everyone likes to think they have an element of power, no matter what the person is like. By pursuing the dumper, they keep the power, by leaving them be (for now) they lose that power and we gain some, by showing them that we no longer need them and that we can live happy lives without them.

 

I think this also works in relationships. If people let you treat them like crap in a realtionship, they give you power and you will continue to treat them in this way. If they stand up to you, they take some power back, and I think the other person will be less likely to continue behaving in this way. Hope this makes sense