Having a really hard time.

[robert-45]

We had built a pretty nice life, but then things got pretty rocky. We'd argue a lot. We went to counseling for about half a year. It didn't seem to help. I thought she was wrong and should apologize and change. She thought I was wrong and should apologize and change. We have two kids. They were 10 and 6 at the time. Now, they are almost 8 and almost 12.

 

Then, thinking my life would be better, I announced that I was moving out and did so later that day to a hotel. I then bought a condo behind my wife's back and moved there. She then filed for a divorce. I felt guilty and agreed to pay very generous support, support I could not afford. I wanted her to keep the nice house for the kids. A placement schedule was established giving me the kids 3 days a week. I was the fun dad. Furnishing and decorating the condo. Eating out. Whatever the kids wanted.

 

On my days without the kids, I dated. I got involved in a 6 mo. relationship pretty fast, then a 2 mo. one, then just lots of dates. I wasn't looking back. I wasn't evaluating what I did or reconsidering in the least.

 

A year and a half later, the bottom fell out. I realized what debt I had built up. I realized that the condo was not a good place for the kids. I missed my wife, the old house, the old neighborhood, how things were. I desperately wanted to have the family intact again. I apologized unequivocally. I sought reconciliation. But, she had moved on. She was still angry and didn't trust me.

 

I've sunk into a pretty deep depression. I'm getting help, but I haven't turned the corner yet. The divorce is still pending and it's getting kind of ugly. I just wish we could work things out. I feel that my relationship with my kids is deteriorating with my depression. I have money problems that I had buried my head in the sand about that are haunting me now. I may not be able to sustain my 15 yr. old law practice. I'm feebly attempting to keep what I've got, but I fear losing even more: my kids, my career. It's bad, really bad.

 

I'm so angry at myself. I wish I had thought harder about how things might be in the long run. I feel I was impulsive. I can't stand it.

 

Would love to hear from others who have gone through this delayed grieving after initiating the separation.

[TechResQ]

Hi Robert,

 

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I didn't go through the exact same situation, but had similar feelings at the loss of my relationship and marriage. we've now been divorce for approx. 5 years.

 

I left, he was abusive. I was very relieved to have left and be away from him, but I was scared to death of not being in a relationship, not having what I was used to. I will tell you...it does get better. I know that doesn't help now, but hold on to that. Hold on to the fact that it DOES GET BETTER.

 

Are you in any type of counseling for yourself? If not, I highly recommend it. It helped me get over the hurdle.

 

I wish you the best and I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer more. Your kids need you and they need you to be strong and healthy (mentally and physically). Do it for them. Even though you feel like the world is crashing down around you right now...

[robert-45]

Thank you. Yes, I am in counseling. How long was it before you got over the hurdle? Do you have kids?

[Mek]

Hi Robert,

 

I didnt grieve like you did, but I also feel the missing place where I feel I much rather have someone to fill in there. I know before marriage I had gotten used to being single, but now after marriage I find I'd rather be in a relationships if not married. Never had this feeling before with other ended relationships, but now I feel as if I have lost a lot of time and I want to make up for it, quickly, even if all will recommend against it. I have been dating a fair amount. A friend of mine divorced just before me, dates anything that moves, am I not alone?

 

-Mek

[melrich]

I'm so angry at myself. I wish I had thought harder about how things might be in the long run.

 

Hi Robert. Mate I really feel for your situation and I think the thought you have expressed here is very very common. We don't realise what we are leaving behind until it is gone.

 

I've been through it and had similar thoughts.....let me turn back the clock.... What you need to try and do now is accept what is done and PLAN for the future not dwell on the past. There is nothing easuy about it. Peopel who say "Divorce is so easy these days" have no idea what they are talking about. It is a devastating life event and if you let it get on top of you it will.

 

Take an inventory of all the good things in your life and work with those. Drop the guilt and the feeling of failure. Stop defining yourself by your career and ability to be a provider. Those things are important but what is more important is your happiness and your relationship with your kids. Work on those things.

[robert-45]

what is more important is your happiness and your relationship with your kids. Work on those things.

 

That sounds like a good plan. I'm having trouble taking the first steps toward those goals. Any suggestions?

[melrich]

I'm having trouble taking the first steps toward those goals.

 

That's the 64 million dollar questin. It isn't easy. There are some simple tools you can use. Like I mentioned before, take an inventory of your life, the good and the bad. Put a line through everything you have no control over. Put the rest in order of importance. Start to work on things one at a time. Work to declutter your mind and you life.

 

At the end of the day it is like so many other things, it's a discipline and you have to find a method thatw orks for you.

[robert-45]

My not yet ex knows how I'm hurting. She seems to favor rubbing salt in my open wounds. She left a couple boxes of garage junk in my condo lobby that she says was mine. Nothing I wanted of course. Nothing I had room for. So, I threw them in my storage locker. Meanwhile, there are all kinds of nice and useful things of mine that I left in the house. I'm not sure if I should take "all my stuff" or not. I don't want to horde and I don't want the walls to be bare there. Never mind that the walls are kind of bare in my condo. Anyway, I guess the message she was sending me was here's the rest of your junk. You'll "need" it here because you sure as hell won't be moving back in with me. Right? And I hope somebody will tell me that I shouldn't want to be with her anyway if she'd do mean stuff like this to me while I'm hurting, right?

[Up and Down]

And I hope somebody will tell me that I shouldn't want to be with her anyway if she'd do mean stuff like this to me while I'm hurting, right?

 

 

You are right, you shouldn't want to be with someone who would be this mean to you when you are hurting. I went through this with my most recent break-up, it's a conflict between the heart and brain. Your brain knows it's not right but sometimes you just can't help who you love. You need to analyze why the relationship failed, think about her bad points including this one, ask yourself is it right to be treated this way. In order to break-free from this you need to get your heart and brain in alignment. Ultimately you want to get to a place of apathy, where you just no longer care about your ex.

[Mek]

Hey Robert,

 

Some good advice here.... I think you should get everything that is yours "OUT", otherwise you will regret it and end up having to pay trial lawyers or court costs just to get your stuff back. Big pain in the xyz there. I haven't done it but I left money in our joint account, and I soon regretted it for being too trusting. My aunt told me to get everything out too, and I didnt listen. The STBX also took stuff that we both owned together, and now the lawyers say don't worry about it, as you're probably never going to see it again anyways...

 

Just a friendly word of advice.

 

-Mek