If you fall out of love...can it come back?

[Batya33]

That is why having contact about "The Relationship" is unproductive - you're biased of course and you're the cause of his issues (at least from his perspective) so it's confusing for him to reach out to you for support as his girlfriend when the reason he needs support is because his girlfriend is feeling ambivalent.

[Daligal83]

I think you're right Batya. But I don't think it's fair of me to tell him that we can't talk about the relationship. He has reached out to friends, but he said he wants them to give him a solution and they obviously can't. So how do we get past this thing of him reaching out for support but not being able to get it?

[Batya33]

Because the way you show you care is by telling him nicely but firmly that while it is tempting to be there for him you can't because you're too biased and the reason for the issue in the first place. Tell him you will help him find a counselor to talk to if he would like.

[Daligal83]

I get what you're saying, I really do. I don't know why but I feel so mean saying that to him. I've put him through so much already and to now say, don't talk to me about it, seems like I'm pushing him away even more. I know he'd see it that way too.

[Batya33]

I understand and that is why you have to explain it in a positive, caring way. You can't control his feelings or reactions. On the other hand if you are his confidant and friend throughout this you sabotage the benefits of NC and he will end up being just as mad at you when he realizes on his own that your "support" comes with a price.

[Daligal83]

You have a good point. We aren't NC but I think that we could limit the relationship talk. I just need to work it out in my head how to talk to him about it.

 

Am I being unfair in thinking that assuming there's enough progress for him to move back in within a month is unrealistic?

[RayKay]

I think Batya has given you some good advice; and I too am glad he is taking the step to do what is right for him at this point. I am sure this is wearing on him as much as it is on you.

 

I suggest too to be in VERY limited contact (I understand you may need to be for bills, etc) but take the time to figure things out and don't give him hope before you know what you are going to decide.

 

Can love come back? Yes; if you both work at it and the love never really went away (meaning there was a strong foundation of it to begin with and you both just kind of lose sight of it in the ups and downs of life and relationship changes). But as I recall; you moved to be with him pretty early on after a long-distance relationship and maybe this is more so reality after that excitement stage than "falling out of love" if that makes sense?

 

So, I would be really careful to take time to think things through and not rush back out of loneliness or missing him alone...make sure you really can say "yes, I love you and I want to work this out with you".

[Daligal83]

We've already agreed to have a brief phone call once each day and we're seeing each other on Saturday. Do you guys think I should tell him I don't think that this is a good idea anymore?

 

How exactly do you work at bringing the love back? I've been feeling this way since November and I've tried spending more quality time together and making sure I do nice things for him. I just pull away more and more though.

 

I don't think I'll have the problem of rushing back together because of being lonely. I like being alone, maybe too much. I moved here in May and he moved his stuff in during December, but then went away and didn't come back until the end of February. That probably was rushing it. I didn't really feel ready but didn't feel comfortable expressing that to him. That was obviously a big mistake.

 

I do love him. I care about him so much. He's just an amazing person. Something just keeps me from being emotionally available to him and I'm just not sure if I'm in love.

[havefaith]

Once again Dali, you need time. You can't really "wish" the love back and there is no step-by-step process to getting it back ... I hate when people say this to me, but this is really one of those instances where time will determine all the details.

 

In the meantime, I want to tell you that back in Octoberish I kept trying to talk about the relationship problems with my bf, I kept trying to get SOME kind of reassurance that things would be okay, just like your boyfriend is doing now. In response, my boyfriend told me he just couldn't give me that kind of reassurance -- your bf, like me, has to learn reassurance can ONLY come from within. You have to tell him that. It isn't selfish of you -- it isn't. He needs to learn to step back and stop relying on you so much... I know it's tempting, but it actually helps a lot once you learn to do that.

[Daligal83]

So some new thoughts. I had two very interesting conversations today. One with my best friend and one with my mom. My best friend has only met my boyfriend twice, most recently when she came for a weekend visits a couple weeks ago. My mom has known my boyfriend's family since before we were born. I wouldn't say she knows him well, but of course has spent a good deal of time with him since we've been dating.

 

Best Friend Conversation:

 

She thinks that what happened is that his personality is too boring for mine. We were long distance for a long time and only in the same city for about 6 months before I started having these ambivalent feelings. She made the point that even though all we did is talk during being apart, we still led our own lives and were not around each other. Six months is a typical "honeymoon" period and it's how long we were in the same city for until my feelings changed. And I can kind of pinpoint when things changed. I was hanging out with an old friend from college (who I admittedly used to have a huge thing for and will always think fondly of, but definitely do not have feelings for anymore) and his girlfriend. The girlfriend passed out after a couple drinks and the friend and I stayed up till about 2 am playing on his Wii. I had a great time and the next day, I started feeling weird. I think what happened is that I had more fun with him than I ever do with my boyfriend. I think that changed something for me. Again, I have zero desire to date this guy, so that's not part of it. So I think she has a valid point. When she first said it, I was like, yea um I'm the most boring person. I hate going out to clubs, I'm more happy spending a night in with friends watching a movie or playing a game. My hobbies are all things that include just me..like working out or reading. She said that it's not about the activities that you do, it's about personality. She said that we could sit in a 2 by 2 room for 8 years and have a blast. It's that his personality isn't connecting with mine in that way. It makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Mom Conversation:

 

It was interrupted, but she had a different take on his reaction to the situation. I told her how his mood changes all the time, how he'd get to mad sometimes he'd sleep on the couch, how he'd come out with some pretty mean comments (nothing like the stuff my ex used to say, more guilt-ridden mean statements). She thinks this was immature of him and wrong. I told her I felt on one hand that I deserved the comments and behavior, but on the other hand it bothered me because he did choose to stick around. She thinks that it's completely wrong for me to think that I deserve this and that you can be angry at someone and still be respectful, which he was not lately.

 

Thoughts?

[Batya33]

I agree in general that boredom with the other person on any regular basis is not a good feeling in a relationship. What would be interesting for you to think about is whether the boredom is because of his and your dynamic/his personality OR because once the excitement of new love faded, he suddenly seemed "boring" to you.

 

I had the same experience you did a few times - where I would hang out with a friend - totally platonic, a woman friend - but have a much better time/feel more connected to that person. sometimes it's not a fair comparison - sometimes we connect better to women, especially close friends, sometimes it's our mood that makes things more fun, but yes it did make me wonder (not in this relationship).

 

And I don't see it as bored v. excited. Just whether there is enough sparking your interest in him - based on romance, based on things in common, etc. Do you laugh together a lot? That is a good measure of this kind of issue. (I know not right now you don't but typically, do you laugh together a lot?).

[Daligal83]

Well the friend was a guy. Do you think it's more appropriate to make that comparison if it is a male?

 

We do laugh together sometimes...but it's not the same kind of laughing I have going on with other people. I don't find him funny a good deal of the time, and there are many many times when I'm cracking up about something that he looks at me like I'm an alien. There are times when we truly crack up together, but it's not often. Usually I'm giving more of a chuckle. What my best friend noticed is that he tries really hard to make me laugh, too hard almost. I go for more of the subtle humor. And I don't really find our conversations interesting. He mostly talks about school, how long his classes are, how boring a teacher is. I mean that is his life right now, so it makes sense. But I haven't looked forward to conversations with him in a long time.

[Batya33]

Did you find them more interesting in the beginning because you weren't sure if he was going to call you again?

 

Look, not everyone needs to have the shared laughter - as a priority that is. I do, can't live without it. Love when I laugh so hard I can't breathe because our lives are too serious as far as work and some family issues so we both need to lighten up and see how funny things are.

 

does your bf talk at you or with you? meaning, when he shares his stories and anecdotes is it in an engaging way or is it most of the time the "ok here is what I did today" in more of a monotone (either in tone or the word choice or both) - do you feel involved in the story sort of like "I knew you would find this funny when it happened...." "or I think I know what you're going to think about this, but" etc.

 

These things will gel for you more - your priorities, what could be missing, etc as you continue to have NC. But let them gel and settle - don't try to force an analysis - I believe they will come to you.

[Daligal83]

I never had that time of, "will he call?" because we were friends first. It was never like that with him. We realized we both had feelings, started hanging out on our own, and then decided to be together.

 

I need the laughter too. My job is so draining, that I need to come home to someone who lightens me back up. He's a pretty negative minded person in my opinion, so he doesn't do that. I say that because he complains A LOT, and his humor is mostly based on putting things down. He mocks the shows I watch or makes fun of people. Not all the time, but it does happen a lot. I just don't find that funny. Sometimes I do if it's outrageous, but not all the time. Or it's sex jokes all the time. I'll make those here and there, but it's rare.

 

And we're not doing NC. I know you advocate for it, but it just doesn't feel right given the situation. I feel like if I'm going to tell him I don't want to talk to him, I should just end it. He was actually here for a bit when I got home. He came back to eat dinner, make his lunch for tomorrow, and pack up some more stuff.

[Batya33]

OK whatever works - it depends on what your priorities are. I also added to my previous post.

 

I almost married a guy who was negative - we were engaged when I ws 23 (he was in his mid 20s) - after I realized all the subtle and not so subtle put downs - of me, of others, etc. So, yes I get it.

[Daligal83]

I read what you added to your post. I'm not really sure if he talks with me or at me. Usually our conversations go, how are you, how was your day. He often says he thinks of things throughout the day that he wants to tell me. We have some very different interests though. Like he tells me the stuff he learns in school, and some of it I do find interesting, but a lot of it I don't. It's just not my area of interest.

 

I think he showed interest in what I would talk about. He would definitely try to contribute, but honestly I'd get frustrated because he doesn't know anything about my field and the comments he made annoyed me more than helped me. I'd talk about a problem that happened, and he'd say, well why didn't this happen? I'm like, it doesn't work that way.

[Batya33]

What about your friends who are not social workers? Do you tell them work-related things and how do they contribute? And how do you react to how they contribute?

[havefaith]

Dali, I'm not trying to be hasty with you but it DOES seem the more you type the more you seem incompatible with him and really less "into" the relationship. I'm sure you will need more time to think about this, but perhaps you are really ready to move on.

[Daligal83]

Batya that's a very interesting question. Honestly, most of the people I talk to about it are my coworkers. I think of the other people I try to talk to, some don't really want to hear about it (can't blame them, it's not positive stuff by any means). Others just kind of say, wow that's awful. People in my field can give me useful advice on how to deal with those situations.

 

havefaith, I think part of me acknowledges what you're saying, but it's scary so I'm holding on. I'm worried that I'm making a mistake and just trying to convince myself he's not the right one so I can go back to my safe little world of being alone.

[havefaith]

Maybe you are really overthinking the whole thing. I've learned that many times it's good to stop thinking and just listen to what you're feeling, accept it for what it is, act accordingly. You seem like a very analytical person, I know you are a busy girl too, so maybe it would be beneficial for you to take some time to let your mind calm down and just feel what you are going to feel.

 

And maybe take some comfort in the fact that time holds all the answers. You can rationalize this whole thing to death without coming up with a true resolution. Time seems to clarify everything for me.

[Daligal83]

You're right and usually that's what I do. I just kind of go with the flow. But I can't wait around forever to figure it out. I've been giving it time since November, lol. Plus he's made it clear that he's not going to do this for much longer. I kind of feel like I'm in a time crunch.

[havefaith]

When I get into that funk of feeling like I'm running out of time I have noticed I tend to act irrational and make hasty decisions. I don't know if you react that way but that's just what I've noticed about myself.

 

One of my friends told me, "There is really no rush... this is your life, there's no timeline." It's kind of true. Yeah, he might get fed up and leave (though I doubt it), but if it's really meant to work out it just will. And if it's not, well, that's good too.

 

I'm a firm believer in the whole 'meant to be' deal. I have to believe that, or else I'd go nuts trying to control the outcome. If you feel you have been waiting around for too long, you should walk away. But don't just look at it and think "it's been since November, I should know by now!" That isn't necessarily true. Who knows why you're taking so long, you just are. Heck, me & my boy were in our funk since AUGUST and we just figured it out like 3 days ago!

 

I feel like relaxation is key for you now, mostly just because you've talked and talked and talked. What else is left for you to do? I don't think there's a secret answer lurking somewhere that you just haven't seen yet (I know, I'm a "problem solver" too.)

[Daligal83]

I agree, and I'd like to just have time. My boyfriend isn't the same way though. All those talks we've had, he's initiated every single one of them. I hate having them, lol. I feel like he's just searching for answers that I don't have and then getting upset when he doesn't hear what he wants to hear. I just don't feel like I can tell him to stop because this already isn't fair to him.

 

As far as me though, I'm just going to take it day by day, think about things here and there but just live my life. I think if he tries to have a talk again, I'll just tell him that I don't work the way he does. I don't figure things out by thinking about it and analyzing it all the time. I kind of give it time and see how it happens.

 

One last thought though that I had today. I have that struggle between am I really out of love or just freaking out. The thing is, either way I think it means it isn't right. If I freak out enough that it gives me these feelings for four months, to me that means that I'm just not ready for this serious of a relationship. I don't know. I could just be over analyzing again haha.

[Batya33]

Well yes but if it's just you freaking out, then it could be that counseling can help.

[Daligal83]

True. I'd probably recommend the same thing and have thought about it. I don't think I'm willing to put that effort in though. As horrible as that sounds, it's the truth.