If you fall out of love...can it come back?

[Daligal83]

Some of you know the problems I've been having with my boyfriend. Well I thought it was getting better, but it's getting worse. He's thinking non-stop about it and often comes to me wanting to have a talk about what he's thought about. His most recent this is that he thought he discovered "the answer" to our problem, in that due to my work I've learned to become emotionally detached and that I'm just beyond emotionally drained when I get home, which makes it hard for me to deal with our relationship. While I agree with that, I don't think it's a cause. Just an aggravating factor in the whole thing. I am very emotionally drained by the time I get home, so when he's needing an emotional response from me or wanting to have one of his talks, I participate but it just drains me even more and makes me pull away more.

 

The basic thing is, I'm pretty sure I've fallen out of love. He knows this. We first had a talk at the end of February. But I've been having mixed feelings since Thanksgiving. Can these feelings come back? I don't know when it's just time to call it quits or if we should keep on trying. I WANT to be in love with this guy. He's an amazing person who really loves me. But I'm bringing out this ugly side of him. His mood changes constantly, from depressed to angry to resentful. I never know what to expect and I know that's my fault. I don't want to keep putting him through this, but neither one of us really want to let go. I don't know what to do.

 

 

 

P.S. Also important to note is that in May he will be doing an internship out of town for three months, but he'll be living with his parents only an hour away. Then he's back for two months, then far away for 3 months (far enough that it requires a plane ride), then back for last 3 months of his program. I'm worried about what effect the distance will have if we're still together.

[Batya33]

My advice is the same as before - time apart with NC and without seeing other people - that is when you can really see what life is like without him, and get a clear perspective. I doubt the in love feelings will come back easier in this vicious cycle of you wanting them to come back, him sensing and seeing your changes, and reacting by being needy which then is a turn off.

 

It's about being inspired to give that triggers those feelings - and giving even when you're not inspired that can trigger those feelings - but it's hard to be motivated to give to a needy person and hard when you're trying to "force it."

 

What I am suggesting is of course inconvenient - I don't pretend it's easy despite it's "simplicity."

[havefaith]

Hey Dali, I half agree with Batya. I do think nothing will change until you change your current situation/environment. It's time to take a step back (I feel you on this!). However I disagree about the not seeing other people... I guess I feel like if it's real then other people can't really get in the way.

 

You know I know what it feels like to not know when to say enough is enough -- I think you know when it's time, and I think you'll know what to do. And I think love can come back... but not without time apart.

 

If I were you I would use that internship as a time of separation and get on with your life without him, other people in it or not. And if you discover you love him, it's not like there's a cap on it, you never know when someone is out of your life for good. It could come back to you, I truly believe this.

[Batya33]

Basically if you see other people, it's a break up not a break and then you have all the jealousy and trust issues to contend with plus still having no idea what it's like to be on your own and not part of a couple.

[Daligal83]

So I should just tell him that when he goes away for his internship, that we shouldn't talk? For how long?

 

I once told him, recently, that I don't believe on breaks. I think he's going to think I'm going back on my word. And I don't know if he'll even go for it. I've put him through so much already. Last night he said that he can't do this for much longer and definitely doesn't intent to keep doing this until May. I can't see going NC any earlier since we live together.

 

And I've tried to still give...but it's limited. I try to do things that I know are important to him and I am always considerate of his needs and feelings. But I just can't force this emotional connection that I'm not feeling.

 

The weird things, when I picture a future with him it scares me. But when I picture one without him, that scares me too. And it's not because I'm afraid of being alone. I really enjoy being single and being on my own. Just the thought of him not being in my life is weird and I don't want to let him go, but I don't exactly want to be with him either.

[havefaith]

Ok, I guess what I mean is they should have the freedom and ability to mingle with others and go on casual dates or something... I guess I don't see the point in waiting around, I mean that's not enough of a step back to make you realize what you're missing. Also it doesn't mean jumping into a relationship with someone as much as it is getting out there and looking at life from all angles.

 

I don't think the break you're describing is even a break as much as it is a full on relationship sans contact ...

[Batya33]

I completely disagree - it's the fastest way to destroy any chances of getting back together - where the line is drawn between casual dating, serious, hook ups - as we all know, one date with someone can become something serious very fast, etc - and the jealousy from casual dating is often just as bad or even worse (what - you kissed someone you just met? - if that is learned).

 

The purpose of the break isn't to comparison shop - of course you socialize - you just don't date - you conduct yourself just as you would socially as if you're still a couple you're just not seeing each other for awhile.

 

If a person can't go without dating for a few months in order to have space from a relationship then that's the answer right there - the person doesn't care enough to make it work.

[Daligal83]

I don't even like dating...so it's not really an issue. Like I said, I really am fine with being alone and do think it's a good idea to being alone for a bit after ending a relationship. I'm not going to lie and say there aren't some guys that I would be interested in dating. But I wouldn't go after them so soon. And I'm saying this purely on a physical standpoint...like just guys I've noticed at the gym that I find attractive. I haven't talked to them.

 

I honestly don't think my boyfriend would go for this plan though. He's so fed up with me. He tells me I'm the woman of his dreams and an hour later he's mad at me again.

[jojesse]

The weird things, when I picture a future with him it scares me. But when I picture one without him, that scares me too. And it's not because I'm afraid of being alone. I really enjoy being single and being on my own. Just the thought of him not being in my life is weird and I don't want to let him go, but I don't exactly want to be with him either.

 

 

It sounds like you want him as a best friend and not a lover. Don't force something you don't/can't feel anymore.

 

Why not take some time apart from each other and see how things go? If what you two have is real you will find a way back to each other.

[Daligal83]

Do you think we should be NC the whole 3 months he's gone? Or maybe just one month?

 

We were apart when he was gone for 2 months, but we talked everyday. I didn't miss him. He thought that this time, the distance could help because we wouldn't be around each other everyday, just on the weekends. I disagreed with him though. I think we're too unstable to handle the distance right now.

 

I don't even look forward to him coming home because I never know what I'm going to get.

[havefaith]

My vote is NC on the whole three months. One month just isn't enough time, mostly for YOU I think.

[summerpeach]

I think NC is silly. NC is a tactic either to move on or get the ex to think. You want to do neither.

 

Being "in love" with a person you're in a relationship with for a while is unrealistic.

Everyone loses that loving feeling.

Maybe you just don't love him?

Being in love either turns to real love or nothing at all. Trying to recapture that "in love" feeling is futile.

 

Welcome to the world of relationships and the hard work they take to make them work.

My parents have been married 50 yrs and after the first 3 yrs they wanted to kill each other. But let me tell you, they love each other.

 

I believe in breaks and maybe it's time to take one to see what you really want

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

imhnbomo

 

no i dont think so......

[Batya33]

Do you think we should be NC the whole 3 months he's gone? Or maybe just one month?

 

We were apart when he was gone for 2 months, but we talked everyday. I didn't miss him. He thought that this time, the distance could help because we wouldn't be around each other everyday, just on the weekends. I disagreed with him though. I think we're too unstable to handle the distance right now.

 

I don't even look forward to him coming home because I never know what I'm going to get.

 

I am a firm believer in NC for a few months - that is how you will know what it is like not to have him in your life - because you were long distance the phone calls became a substitute for in person so if you add in the phone calls you won't be able to have the needed perspective.

[jojesse]

Do you think we should be NC the whole 3 months he's gone? Or maybe just one month?

 

We were apart when he was gone for 2 months, but we talked everyday. I didn't miss him. He thought that this time, the distance could help because we wouldn't be around each other everyday, just on the weekends. I disagreed with him though. I think we're too unstable to handle the distance right now.

 

I don't even look forward to him coming home because I never know what I'm going to get.

 

 

You should take as much time as you need to come to a sound conclusion regarding the relationship and the courage to tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. It may take 3 months, or it may take just one week, depending on how much you've thought about this already.

[Batya33]

Yes that is true but one week is not enough to be apart - after the initial "shock" of being apart and missing him a lot, you have to see how you feel over time, when you go back to your normal life and routine.

 

Daligal - the pyschologist Dr. Joy Browne is a big fan of this type of separation in exactly your situation. She may have written a book that contains it but I have heard her speak on it.

[havefaith]

I honestly feel like you have to set a time, or at least NOT accept something like one week. I have tried to do that before with my boyfriend and literally a few days or one week pass and we both missed each other so we rushed right back in ... it's just too tempting.

 

Give yourself enough time so that you are SURE -- incredibly sure. I still fail to see how you will really "miss him" if you still feel like you have him/act like you are in a relationship... I know others disagree with me, but that's just me. I feel like the option of other people should be on the table so you really feel the effects of him NOT being around. I mean, if your relationship can't stand up to that, what is the point.

 

Ok, that's the last time I mention the other people bit.

[Batya33]

That's fine - we can agree to disagree. I don't think a relationship should ever be tested by comparison shopping or by other people in that way - that's a dangerous game to play and shows that the real reason is the desire to see what else is out there vs. to see what is "in there" and in your relationship. sorry, I too feel strongly about this.

 

maybe the one exception would be if 15 year olds meet, date for 2-3 years, never experience dating anyone else, and then go off to separate colleges - at that age it might be a good idea to see who else is out there.

[havefaith]

True, batya, perhaps my perception is coming from my current situation -- I met my boyfriend at 17 and now, 3 years later, the two of us do feel it's time to "make sure."

 

As for Dali I think either way you want to handle the break, it could still work. You said you have no interest in dating and that's fine, but if he doesn't agree to those terms for whatever reason I think that's his right. My point is maybe there has to be a bit of wondering what he's up to for you to really figure out if you miss the actual relationship? I suppose it's something for you to think about, but either way, the period of time with NC needs to happen I'm afraid.

[Daligal83]

Quick update since he's in the shower.

 

He came home and told me that he's moving out. He'll keep his stuff here, but he made arrangements to move back to his old place down the street. First he said that we shouldn't talk and I should only call if I miss him or reached a conclusion. Then he said that we should talk once a day quickly just to touch base. I asked if he wanted to see each other at all, so we agreed to hang out on Saturday. Kind of a mixture of what people are saying I guess. He may drop by during the day to shower or use his computer since I'm never here during the day.

 

We'll see how it goes I guess. Weird thing is I'm not sad. I feel bad, but I'm not sad. Maybe I'll feel differently once it actually happens.

[Batya33]

Hmm - well I have to say I respect his decision - he is taking care of him and your ambivalence - even though it's not your fault - is driving him crazy.

 

All the best.....

[Whiplash Girl Child]

If you're not sure about whether you want to be with him or not, go NC!

 

I did NC for a month BEFORE I broke up with my ex . . . I did it in order to find out if I'd be happy without him in my life, or if I'd miss him and feel miserable without him. Well . . . it didn't even take the whole month in order for me to realize that I enjoyed my life without him, that I didn't miss him one tiny bit, and that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

 

That 1-month of NC is what helped me officially decide to break up with him.

[Daligal83]

I've done the one month of NC before, but it was really to make the break-up process easier. In this situation, I don't feel like NC will help us. I really think it depends on the situation and the people involved. Maybe we'll decide to do that later, but right now it's not the right choice for us.

 

Batya, I respect his decision too. He asked me why I didn't seem upset, and I said it's because I completely understand why he's doing it and am glad that he's doing something that makes him feel better. It was kind of sad when he left this morning, but I'm doing OK. I hope he is too. He hasn't been able to concentrate on school at all and he's in a very hard program. I don't want my stupidity to mess up everything that he's worked for. He wanted to make it clear that we're still in a relationship, he does not want to and probably won't ever break up with me. He said it's not his job. We're still trying to make this work.

[havefaith]

Dali, don't get into the blame game with yourself. You didn't ask for these feelings of apprehension and at least you had the guts to speak up instead of stringing him along for months on end.

 

You know what to do, just feel it out and trust your instincts. I know how your boyfriend feels -- but he will be ok. I wish you luck!

[Daligal83]

Thanks havefaith I appreciate that a lot, especially since you've been on the other end.

 

We talked briefly tonight. He mentioned that he doesn't know what to do as far as living situation. He's got a month left here before classes are over. He said that he can't stay there for long (I assume since he's not paying rent) and it won't be long before he runs out of people. He said he hopes that even though things won't be resolved if he has to move back in, that we'd have moved in the right direction toward a positive resolution and then goes, what do you think about that? I paused and then said, I can't make any guarantees. I'd like it to happen that way but I just don't want to guarantee anything.

 

I mean he just moved out...he's got a month left, he thinks that within like, what, two weeks everything will start to get better? I feel like he expects things to happen so fast. I mean he made a comment to me awhile ago that he thought everything would be better by now. It really hasn't been that long in the scheme of things. And now I feel like he's going to get hurt all over again because he has these expectations that I don't feel are realistic.