Hate being Single! :(

[Lauren8785]

I'm 22 years old. I know I am young yet, but I know so many people whom I have gone to High school with, that are married and are having kids now. I feel left out. Like I should be too. I'm happy for them. I just wish my time would come. I feel like it's never going to happen for me though. I'm tried of being single. Now I don't want any negative/rude/cutting down comments, when I talk about this next part. I'm a plus-sized women. I don't find myself ugly and I do like myself as a person. I think I am pretty/cute. I don't see why I couldn't get a man. I don't believe I need to change anything about myself in order to find someone. I believe someone should like you for whom you really are. Looks, personality, the whole package. I just feel like men, are so quick to judge or are looking for that "model" type figure. If you don't fit what they're looking for they ain't going to bother giving you a chance. I think that's ashame because even if she's not what your looking for in looks, she could have the personality your looking for and that counts way more then looks!! Looks fade once you get to know someone. But I have to say you have to be attracted to them, at least facial wise I think, not so much body type. I just want to find a guy who can accept me for whom I am looks and personality. The few times, I have tried to go out with a dude, they turned me down, saying " I wasn't there type," which really ticked me off. Sure, I am ok to go hop in the bed with, but I'm not good enough to date long-term??? That just irks the living ***** out of me! I don't understand that. Why can't we develop a relationship?? I don't want to be friggin 50 yrs old and finally find someone I want to be young and stuff!!! I am just so sick of waiting, I been waiting for so long. I'd like it to happen soon!! Does anyone else feel this way or have??? I always hear the expression "You can never say never," and what you thought would never happen does. It's so werid. But with this I still feel like it never will. I get so upset and cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking, I'll never be good enough for anyone. I feel like such a loser, because some of my friends are married and stuff and I don't have anyone I'm not desperate, but I would like to experience a long-term relationship and see what happens! I see so many other plus-sized women with guys and yet I can't even get one Please share your thoughts, ideas, etc. Much appreciated thanks !!

[sti_2004]

do u mind plus size men?

[shes2smart]

I'm 22 years old. I know I am young yet, but I know so many people whom I have gone to High school with, that are married and are having kids now.

 

Yeah, when I was in my early 20's a lot of my high school peers were doing that while I was busy purusing a career.

 

When our 10 year high school reunion rolled around, I was still single...and many of them (approaching half, I'd say) were divorced, getting divorced or divorced and on marriage #2. They were not a happy bunch. I wasn't 100% thrilled with my single status, but in comparision, my simple single life looked like nirvana compared to their messes of child custody, lawyer bills and some not-so-nice exes.

 

I feel left out. Like I should be too.

 

This is the type of thinking that can lead you to become involved with someone more out of convenience than actual compatibility.

 

Now I don't want any negative/rude/cutting down comments, when I talk about this next part. I'm a plus-sized women. I don't find myself ugly and I do like myself as a person. I think I am pretty/cute. I don't see why I couldn't get a man. I don't believe I need to change anything about myself in order to find someone. I believe someone should like you for whom you really are. Looks, personality, the whole package. I just feel like men, are so quick to judge or are looking for that "model" type figure. If you don't fit what they're looking for they ain't going to bother giving you a chance. I think that's ashame because even if she's not what your looking for in looks, she could have the personality your looking for and that counts way more then looks!! Looks fade once you get to know someone. But I have to say you have to be attracted to them, at least facial wise I think, not so much body type. I just want to find a guy who can accept me for whom I am looks and personality. The few times, I have tried to go out with a dude, they turned me down, saying " I wasn't there type," which really ticked me off. Sure, I am ok to go hop in the bed with, but I'm not good enough to date long-term??? That just irks the living ***** out of me! I don't understand that. Why can't we develop a relationship??

 

First off, I have to tell you that I've never been a skinny little thing and I never will be. Not in my genetic make up. In my adult life my clothing sizes have ranged from a 16 on the low end to 22 on the high end. So, I have dealt with dating from that perspective. Your post sounds so familiar to me in so many ways. So, please understand that what I'm writing here is coming from a perspective of "I wish I would've know this stuff earlier in my own life"...because it took me a stupidly long time to figure these things out.

 

The guys who say you "aren't their type," take them at their word and move on. Nothing to get pissed off about there. Not everyone is going to like/be attracted to you and you aren't going to like/be attracted to everyone you meet, either. Do not hang around trying to show them how wonderful you are. It is not your job to convince them that you are their perfect match. That you "aren't their type" has NOTHING to do with you at all. Everyone (and that includes you) has an absolute right to choose whatever criteria they want when it comes to selecting who they will become involved with. Those criteria were quite likely in place long before a guy ever crossed paths with you, so how could they have anything to do with you at all?

 

If a guy decides he will only consider a model-type as potential girlfriend material, he has every right to do so. What you need to keep in mind is not ALL men want a model-type. In the same way that not ALL men are looking for a "no strings attached" kind of relationship and not ALL men are looking to get married, either. You have to evaluate (in some circles, this would be called "judging") people as individuals. If a certain individual finds you lacking, it's not your job to convince them how wonderful you are. It is, however, your job to treat yourself with respect and treat yourself kindly (for the advanced course, it would also include treating others with respect and kindness). Usually this means making a polite exit from those who don't treat you well, and seeking out those who do.

 

Looking back, I cannot tell you how stupidly long I was blaming my fat for my lack of dates/relationships, when the truth was more along the lines of I had to do some serious work on myself (and NOT in a physical sense) to be a viable candidate to create a healthy relationship in the first place. In hindsight, it was easer to blame those "shallow" men than dealing with some not-so-pleasant things about myself (again, NOT in a physical sense).

 

I kinda see that attitude in your post, and I have to tell you, men who are emotionally/mentally reasonably healthy can see that chip on your shoulder from 20 paces. Heck, when I was living it, I couldn't see that chip on my shoulder to save my life. However, just about everyone around me had no problem seeing it at all. I've only been able to see that I did have a piss-poor attitude in hindsight as I've looked back over my journals from back then.

 

If you dislike your life (and you've said you don't like being single), other people pick up on that. Now, if you don't like being in a relationship with and living with you (which is essentially what being single is), how can you expect anyone else to? When you are in love with yourself and in love with your life -- as it is -- you draw in people because they want to share in that...no matter what your physical appearance is.

 

In life, we have to deal with what is right now. And what is right now, for you, is you are single. You can choose to depise that condition, make yourself miserable and think your married friends somehow have it better than you. Or you can find ways to make your life a place you like, find ways to use this time in a constructive fashion and make the best of it.

[annie24]

wow, shes2smart is so freaking wise. i couldn't have said it better myself.

 

i know i have friends who are slender to ones who are slightly chunky, to some who are full out plus sized. i see a lot of them have tons of men hanging on them, because of their personality, they are happy and bubbly and flirty. They have a positive outlook on life, and always have plenty of men coming their way. I think Shes2smart is right, you have to be happy with yourself and your life before you can find someone who wants to partake in it.

 

besides, you are so young, it's better to wait, work on yourself, have fun. who cares if you don't get married this year? like shes2smart said, do you really want to be married at 21 and divorced at 27 (like my mother was). I'd rather be single, never married at 27, which i am.

 

I'd say for now, work on improving yourself and making yourself happy. if that means furthering your education, taking up hobbies, traveling, etc.... have fun, do something interesting and exciting. cherish the time you have to yourself. when you are married, you'll have more responsibilities and things to worry about, especially if you have a family, but you are only 22 and single once! enjoy your free time being single and doing what it is you want to do.

[thejigsup]

When I was young, up until I was well into my forties, I was a slip of a thing, size 5 to 7. Now, with age, I am up to about a size 14 - 16. I have seen no change in the number of men who want to date me at all. I am confident, I feel sexy, and I know I can charm the pants off most men. I am also faithful, kind, and intelligent. A real man does not mind a few extra pounds. There is someone out there for everyone. It doesn't happen until you are comfortable with who you are, and that includes size, age, and marital status. Men LOVE confidenc and a twinkle in your eye.

[bulletproof]

I noticed you say that these guys think you are good enough to go to bed with- have you been sleeping with them and then expecting a commitment? That might be part of the issue.

 

You also mention that you feel like a loser and that you often cry yourself to sleep. That makes me think you don't really like yourself very much, which goes far and beyond how you look. People can tell when someone doesn't think much of herself, and they usually will run in the other direction.

 

What else do you want for your life besides marriage and children? There's nothing wrong with wanting to have that someday, but there is so much you can do in the meantime. You have a good 15-20 childbearing years ahead of you. Plenty of time.

[Lauren8785]

Thanks guys for your replies! I appreciate it. I DO like myself. Like I said I don't find myself unattractive and I DO like my personality.

 

Nope. I don't mind plus-sized men.

 

Shes2smart >>>I kinda see that attitude in your post, and I have to tell you, men who are emotionally/mentally reasonably healthy can see that chip on your shoulder from 20 paces. Heck, when I was living it, I couldn't see that chip on my shoulder to save my life. However, just about everyone around me had no problem seeing it at all. I've only been able to see that I did have a piss-poor attitude in hindsight as I've looked back over my journals from back then.

 

I'm not ready for marriage and I certainly don't know if I even want kids. I'd just like to enjoy the company of a male and just be in the dating sense. Nothing too serious right away. Just let it gradually build up into a serious relationship. I want to take my time. I don't want to rush into things. I am just upset that, when I try I feel like I get no where with all these guys saying "I'm not there type." It happens 95% of the time. When guys say these things to me, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and I start believing that and get down on myself. No, I don't sleep around, I respect myself more then that. All these guys say "I want to mess around with you but no-strings attached," that just makes me so angry. You want to boink me but you don't want to have a relationship?? That doesn't make sense to me. I guess men are just different.

 

I just want to be able to meet a guy. Have things click between us and finally hear something other then "your not my type." Maybe start hearing him ask me out or something, and finally having a boyfriend.

[annie24]

a lot of guys your age are just looking for play, and nothing more. that's kind of normal. however, you can weed these guys out by not getting involved with them sexually right off the bat. wait until you've been dating for a few months. there are guys out there that do want to date, not just have sex! i guess, just go out where you can meet men, and don't move fast with them physically until you've really had the chance to get to know them. if a guy only wants sex, he'll get tired of it soon enough.

 

hang out places where you can meet men naturally doing things that interest you. maybe a church group, outdoors club, etc... that's great that you don't want to get married soon, remember that when you are hanging out with guys. just be relaxed and get to know them.

[bulletproof]

- I feel left out.

- I feel like it's never going to happen for me though.

- I'm tried of being single.

- I just feel like men, are so quick to judge or are looking for that "model" type figure.

- If you don't fit what they're looking for they ain't going to bother giving you a chance.

- I am just so sick of waiting, I been waiting for so long.

- I get so upset and cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking, I'll never be good enough for anyone.

- I feel like such a loser !!

 

I just don't think these are the words of someone who feels good about herself. It's all really negative. Maybe you don't even realize it, but it's projecting from you. I certainly don't blame you for wanting a relationship, and I think it's a good idea to post here to get feedback on how you can change your situation. But you have to start by being brutally honest with yourself and figuring out if you are truly happy with who you are. That's the first step.

[Lauren8785]

I don't want to get phsycial with a guy until I know them well enough and that they care about me and stuff. I don't meet men and hop into bed with them that is NOT me.

 

I'd just like to have a boyfriend for once. Your right annie, a lot of guys do want to just play. I'm looking for a MATURE guy that wants to settle down and take things slowly and get to know a women and have it build up from there, thats all I am looking for. I like older men, not too old, but a few years older, they seem to be more mature and wanting to settle down. But lately I've noticed all men can be pigs, no matter what age. That just sucks to me in my point of view.

[annie24]

why do you think you've been single for so long....?

[Lauren8785]

I just don't think these are the words of someone who feels good about herself. It's all really negative. Maybe you don't even realize it, but it's projecting from you. I certainly don't blame you for wanting a relationship, and I think it's a good idea to post here to get feedback on how you can change your situation. But you have to start by being brutally honest with yourself and figuring out if you are truly happy with who you are. That's the first step.

 

I am honest with myself. When guys say and do those things, I start beliving them and THAT makes me feel crappy about myself. If a guy told me I am ugly or that I'm this or that, I take that very personally and think there IS something wrong with me. I guess I feel like if many guys have said that it must be true, because why else wouldn't they want to date me or why would so many guys say the same thing???? I know those guys are jerks but still there comments hurt.

[Lauren8785]

I have no idea Annie. I wish I knew. I get the feeling it's because of how I look. I hear so many guys make such rude comments toward bigger women and it pisses me off. Some examples: "Oh I wouldn't date or sleep with that fat@$$, guys make jokes about bigger women, etc etc." Like I said I don't feel the need to change for anyone, only myself. I certainly don't have a problem with how I look. I just have a huge problem with guys being so judgemental or so that is how it feels!! Just because I am a big girl does NOT mean, I am not worth getting to know, does NOT mean I am ugly or a bad person!

[Lauren8785]

I'd just like a guy to give me a chance and get to know me. Any guys I have liked are either taken, not interested or gay! Then the ones that have liked me. I did not find attractive and there personality wasn't exactly what I was looking for. It's just so strange how the ones you want are what I listed above and the ones you don't want like you... grr!

[shes2smart]

But lately I've noticed all men can be pigs, no matter what age. That just sucks to me in my point of view.

 

This is the attitude I was referring to...the negative judgement of men in general.

 

It's not uncommon for someone who has had some disappointments with the opposite sex to start lumping all of "them" into the same category. I did it. I see posters here (male and female) who do it all the time. There is an underlying dislike/distrust of and disgust with the opposite sex that comes accross. When it's pointed out to them they deny it...because they just can't see how they're coming accross. I did the same thing. When I look back at my journal from that time it comes through loud and clear, though.

 

A decent person (male or female) who is seeking a healthy relationship is going to pass on a person who has made a negative judgement on their gender and has a chip on their shoulder. "Prove to me you're different from the rest of these pigs/rhymes-with-witches" is not a challenge most reasonably healthy people want to take. Before the therapy, it was a challenge I did take from a guy or two (read: "more often than I care to admit") who basically didn't like/trust women and it led to some very unpleasant experiences that left me feeling pretty crappy about myself. No matter how much I'd try to prove to them I was "different," they'd inevitably find things that proved to them I was "the same."

 

So, I've been on both sides of that underlying negative attitude toward the opposite sex -- both in having what I now refer to as my "bitter, man-hatin' phase" and being involved with men who had a basically didn't like/trust women in general.

 

I just don't think these are the words of someone who feels good about herself. It's all really negative. Maybe you don't even realize it, but it's projecting from you. I certainly don't blame you for wanting a relationship, and I think it's a good idea to post here to get feedback on how you can change your situation. But you have to start by being brutally honest with yourself and figuring out if you are truly happy with who you are. That's the first step.

 

I agree with what bulletproof has said here.

 

The good news is that your attitude and the way you think about things is under your control, so while changing it is difficult, it's not impossible. It is my firm belief that our thoughts create our reality, so it is in our best interest to monitor and manage what we think.

 

So for example, if you catch yourself thinking, "Men are pigs," you change that thought to something like, "Some men are pigs, some are not. I trust myself to recognize when a guy is not treating me well and I trust that I will take appropriate action to care for myself."

 

Or, "I hate being single" can change to something like, "I don't like some things about being single and I am feeling lonely/unloved/afraid/or whatever you're feeling at the moment, but there are some advantages to being single like (I'll fill in mine, because I don't know enough about you to suggest yours): being able to do what I want, when I want without having to consult with someone else, being able to own a horse without anyone giving me crap about it (an expensive little hobby I had, but since I only had to answer to myself about my finances, it wasn't an issue), if I want cereal for dinner it's not a problem, I can have my apartment EXACTLY how I want it without someone else messing it up."

 

Our thoughts create our reality, and what we choose to focus on creates our experiences. If you continually focus on the negatives of a situation, you draw more of the same to you because that's what you're going to notice. Any positives will be overlooked or rationalized away.

 

Now, there are going to be times when you're down or something's happened and you simply cannot put a positive spin on it no matter how hard you try. We're not perfect. And if we're alive today, it's in part because our ancient ancestors were proficient in noticing what was wrong in the environment. Those who weren't so good at noticing what was wrong tended to get eaten by the wild animal or meet with an avoidable accident and maybe didn't get to live long enough to pass on their genes as someone who was a wee bit on the paranoid and negative side.

 

In a sense, changing those "focusing on what's wrong" kinds of thoughts may go against your basic brain workings. That's why it's hard. But it is not impossible, and the rewards are well worth the effort.

[bulletproof]

I am honest with myself. When guys say and do those things, I start beliving them and THAT makes me feel crappy about myself. If a guy told me I am ugly or that I'm this or that, I take that very personally and think there IS something wrong with me. I guess I feel like if many guys have said that it must be true, because why else wouldn't they want to date me or why would so many guys say the same thing???? I know those guys are jerks but still there comments hurt.

 

But if you were feeling good about yourself, what other people say wouldn't matter. You mentioned earlier that guys say you're not their type, but here you are saying they actually call you ugly? Or is that what you are assuming when they don't want to date you? If they are actually calling you ugly, I would say you have to meet some people with manners, because that's completely out of line.

 

I also agree with S2S. If you dislike/distrust men, it will show. Labeling them all as pigs or automatically having your defenses up because you fear getting hurt is not going to help.

 

Start at the beginning- where are you meeting these guys? What do you have in common with them that makes you want to date them?

[Batya33]

If you are comfortable with being a plus sized woman then don't change a thing - but I am seeing ambivalence in your posts - at least a little. In my decades of experience dating and in relationships - and in being friends with many many men, I will give you a rather unpopular opinion here. Women who are obese (not just 10 or 20 pounds overweight) have a MUCH harder time meeting men who want to be in a relationship with them. There are men who have as their type obese women and there are organizations like that too if you want to look into it.

 

Do I think it's fair - not fair because the whole selection process isn't very fair but I respect someone's preference to date a person who is slim or an average weight especially if that person is into personal fitness. There was a time in my 20s when I wouldn't date a man who was more than 20 pounds overweight. Later on it wasn't a problem. I dated a very obese man for 5 months. I was extremely attracted to him but I was constantly worried about his poor health (he was about 40 at the time). And I was worried how it would affect our future. So, I wouldn't blame a man for having that concern even if it was unfounded.

 

My final unpopular opinion - go to a nutritionist and find out how you can make better choices/have a healthier lifestyle (unless your doctor says your weight is fine the way it is or that for some reason you cannot lose weight), and join and go to a gym. Not just to lose weight but you will see an improvement in your confidence and mood by exercising.

 

Good luck.

[JadedStar]

I agree absoliutely with Batya's post above.

 

If you are overweight I think you should look into better nutrition for your health, not to get a date. Being overweight is simply very unhealthy and will always cause you more health probelms then if you lost it.

 

If you just really like the size you are then don't change it but it is a fact of life that most men prefer slimmer women, or women no more than 10 to 20 lbs overweight. Women tend to prefer men who are not overweight as well. Preferences are not always fair but people can't really control what they like...

 

I would suggest BBW websites if you are looking for men who prefer larger women. These sites are all over the net. I remember seeing the term BBW and asking someone what that meant and they defined it and went on to say this is a big thing for a lot of men and they only date larger women.

[JadedStar]

AWESOME POST. I bolded the parts that were particularly astute.

 

Lauren, read and then re-read her post. YOu responded to it but i don't think you really paid close attention to this because your response didn't seem to really address the important message.

[annie24]

I have no idea Annie. I wish I knew. I get the feeling it's because of how I look. I hear so many guys make such rude comments toward bigger women and it pisses me off. Some examples: "Oh I wouldn't date or sleep with that fat@$$, guys make jokes about bigger women, etc etc." Like I said I don't feel the need to change for anyone, only myself. I certainly don't have a problem with how I look. I just have a huge problem with guys being so judgemental or so that is how it feels!! Just because I am a big girl does NOT mean, I am not worth getting to know, does NOT mean I am ugly or a bad person!

 

i don't think if you were slim you'd automatically get a boyfriend. like the others said, there are men out there that like BBW, even if they are a smaller part of the population. you're still the same person on the inside though, like you said. if you lose the weight, but keep the same attitude, you may have more men checking you out, but not necessarily find a new bf.

 

i've recently lost about 30 pounds. i think i do receive more attention from men now as opposed to before. not like 8 times more attention, but more, yes. but it could also be because i appear more confident now, i don't know. like batya said, it's an unpopular opinion to express, i know, but most men prefer slim or healthy sized women. it's what society says is optimal and most guys want to have a gf that society says is beautiful. but more than that, like jaded star said, it is unhealthy. you are young and 22 and healthy now, but if you are overweight for a long time, in your 30s, 40s, 50s, you'll start aging more rapidly and have more health problems. i decided that i needed to lose weight after i started having some stomach problems. now they are gone. in my weight watchers meetings (which i highly recommend), one woman revealed that she joined weight watchers when she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and that spurred her into action.

 

there's a guy at work, he's obese, but has the biggest heart of gold, such a great guy. i love who he is, and i think he would make a good bf... but his weight problem worries me. like batya, i look at him, and am afraid he would die of a heart attack at 40. and i don't want my partner dying so young! that, in effect, is like the only reason i haven't asked him out.

 

do you think that you are, maybe subconsciously, hiding behind your weight because you are afraid of getting hurt? because if you were slender, you'd be afraid you'd get too much attention from these 'piggish men'? i ask, because this is the mindset that kept my weight on for a long time.

[itsallgrand]

Do you think that finding some new ways to cope with rejection rather than taking it personally might help?

 

Whatever size or attitude you bring to the table, there will be rejection.

 

Learning not to take those ones to heart is half the battle.

 

To be honest, I think if you do decide to slim down at some point, you will find that there will be even more rejection to deal with! It might be of a different kind, but those same people who feel that it is appropriate to say something rude to someone because of their weight feel just as inclined to say something rude about another feature of you when you are slim (the theme of promiscuity is popular).

 

There simply is no way to avoid dealing with this stuff. I think you might find a surge in confidence and contentment if new ways to deal with those who do not accept us as we like could be put into place for you.

[Batya33]

I don't think rudeness is justified, of course. My point was the same as Jadestars (and maybe Annie's) about general preferences. When I did on line dating and blind dating and dating and my friends did a constant theme was that the men strongly preferred someone who was fit and healthy - and often, slim but a few pounds/10 pounds etc didn't matter. Obviously slim people get rejected too - I'm just talking about the realities of dating that I and hundreds of others have experienced when it comes to obesity.

 

It's not rude to decline to date someone because you want someone who is healthy and fit. It's only rude if you express it in a rude way.

[itsallgrand]

That's true.

 

Sometimes, though, I think that if a person has heard more than their share of rude comments in their life, and take it to heart, it grows and grows to the point where your self esteem takes a dive and it becomes hard to tell who is being rude and who is simply declining on preference. The "chip on the shoulder" often starts with some experience of cruelty and not having a lot of positive ways to deal with it.

 

Course might be way off.

[Batya33]

It can and I have experienced rude comments - not about weight, about other things - several times over. But, I choose not to let them win. I choose instead to believe in myself.

[annie24]

yeah, unfortunately, snide remarks are a fact of life. you just kind of have to let it roll off. people feel the need to comment on all sorts of stuff (well, i guess i do too at times!) i know other people in weight watchers have 'sabatuers' in their life who try to make them take extra cake, or tell them they are getting too skinny (when they are not) or stuff like that.

 

a quote i heard on the weight watchers message board was 'Being fat is hard, losing weight is hard, maintaining weight loss is hard. So pick which hard you want, and deal with it." i think there is a lot of truth to this, i keep it in mind all the time. everyone has challenges they need to face. and being heavy is NOT easy either. for me, working out and not reaching for that brownie isn't so easy either, but then i think back to the day when i was heavier and went into a cute trendy clothing store and nothing looked good on me because i was too heavy. even the salesgirl agreed the stuff didn't look good on me, she didn't try to sell me anything. that was last summer. i swear this summer i'm going back into that store and buying a skimpy minidress.

 

i don't know what the purpose of this rant was.... i guess you just have to be comfortable with yourself before someone will want to share in that life with you. would you like to be with a guy who is unhappy being single? or would you rather be with a guy who is overall happy and can find time in his life for a special lady?