Patching up differences??

[jnk260]

I haven't posted for along time, but yet again I need the objective advice only you can offer me.

 

I broke up with the man I had been seeing for one year, which for me was a long time. I don't know if I was in love with him because I was cautious with my feelings. The split up was difficult, because I felt that I was unable to get space from him. He also exacerbated the situation by continually slagging me off behind my back. I have come to terms with this, as I realise that this is his way of coping.

 

He changed a lot during our relationship and become what all of his friends agree is quite offensive due to his personal difficulties. But even now five months later, I cannot help but sense his depression and loneliness despite being surrounded by people. Instinctively, I know that he misses me, but I am not sure if it is as his girlfriend, or for who I am. I cannot help but care deeply for anyone I am close to, and I feel somewhat responsible for him. I have tried to patch our differences slowly, but I have no idea what to do about him.

 

I want him to be happier and I believe I have the ability to do help him do that, but I doubt he'll accept my help. Should I just carry on as I'm doing and forget about him entirely or should I try to repair our relationship somewhat? The huge influence on my decision is that my instincts are incredibly strong on this matter and have not abated despite many attempts; they are also usually extremely accurate. I don't know if I'm ready to be hurt by him again, although I'm much tougher than I used to be.

 

What are your opinions?

[secret_agent_man]

Hello, thanks for coming back to eNotalone for advice!

 

What I see here is that you're taking on too much responsibility. His actions and his choices are not up to you, and if he seeks happiness on his own, he will be much better off for it. If you are the only thing that can make him happy right now, then he will just cling to that, and never grow as his own person. Also, if you take on that responsibility by helping him whenever he falls, it will bring you down as well. You need to be your own person, and live for yourself.... just as he does.

 

I would suggest disconnecting from him, but this is just my opinion. I know from being in his position that it was good for me to hit that "rock bottom", and scrape myself up all by myself. If my ex had been there to comfort me, I probably wouldn't have grown and matured from my experience.

 

That's just one opinion, I hope that helps!

S.A.M.

[kuhl282000]

Hi

 

I'm going through a serious break up myself right now. I cared for a woman for what I considered a short period of only 7 months. However I fell for her pretty hard, and spent almost the whole 7 months getting pretty close. And all of a sudden it was over. It has me pretty depressed but I'm working my way through it.I know it takes time, and time moves pretty slow when your hurting. I should be more like you and protect my heart a little better. Well that will be next time. Relating to what you said about helping him...well I'm like you when I care for someone it is deeply.

I care for this women very much , but could or would I want her back in my life on another level ? "WOW" What a tough question, especially if you felt you could get hurt again. For me, any other kind of pain but emotional pain.It is the worse. I wish I could just take a pill and have it all go away. You at least have five months under your belt. I have like five days. I reallyknow in my heart I would always want good things for the person I cared for. Even when your breaking up you seem to have a love hate thing going on, and deep down you know it is love because it hurts so bad.Like you I also feel I have great insight to this lady, but I also know that was part of the real problem.

I was really getting to know her, and I don't think this person wants anyone to ever get to really know her. So she ran, and it is really hard to love a moving target. I feel if you open up the can of worms...we'll then be prepared for almost anything. If you love the guy, go for it. If you don't leave it alone. And by the way on my end it was her drinking that broke us up.......and it was pretty bad. And you know what I still loved her and will remember her till the day I die. But I don't think she loved herself very much. Your x-may have the same thing going. Good Luck...trust me you will need it.

 

Happy Holiday

Kuhl

[jnk260]

Thankyou to the both of you for your advice. I hear the common sense in what both of you say, now i think i just really have to convince myself that's what's best. I wish i could shut my feelings for him out, but i know that i wouldn't learn anything from that. I know for certain that the love i have for him is nothing like the love i had for my first love. I have been there before, but i can't get space from this man as we go to the same college. I know i need space and time to restore myself, but i also know i will be stronger and more cautious in the future. It's bittersweet memories i have, but i think the saying holds true that it is better to have loved and lost than never lost at all.

To kuhl282000, your situation sounds incredibly familiar. It's hard and it's great to know that I'm not unique in what i feel. I will always respect him, but i think i know that in heart of hearts, he's not ready to deal with his problems and to rely on someone else, i just need to realise this fully. When he is ready, i know he'll be happy and i hope he's learnt from me as i learnt from him. I just need to pick myself up and realise that i'm not responsible or to blame. I'll move on and there are so many more relationships to have.

Thanks again.