Out of the blue

[Softiron]

Hello, lurkers.

 

I'm looking to speak with someone who has gone through what I've gone through. Sympathy and encouragement is nice but it's not what I need.

 

My girlfriend of a little over a year broke up with me unexpectedly last week. I thought she was the one. We got along fabulously. Never fought and compromised whenever somebody needed it. We were honest with each other. Loved each other's friends and family. Had a lot of fun. Sex was great. Basically, everyone else viewed us as the perfect couple.

 

It's hard to put it into words, but apparently she just doesn't see me as someone she wants to spend her life with, and was never as in love with me as I was with her. In retrospect, I realize I was looking at our relationship through some rose-colored glasses, but I'm not sure many people would have seen this coming. I'm just not what she's looking for, and she said she knows she can't change me. That's that. I bowed out gracefully.

 

There's just so many things I keep going over and over, but so many of my friends and family have a hard time helping me through this, because they've never been dumped like this before. So if there are any guys out there who had a great relationship with "the one" and were dumped unexpectedly, let me know. Or if there are any ladies who had to dump a guy who was great to you and thought you were the one (but you just couldn't reciprocate those feelings), I'd love to hear from you. And then I'd probably dump out more specifics.

 

Thanks

 

P.S. I'm 27, and she's 24. She's also an immigrant, if anyone can identify with that angle.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The sad thing is there are two different people in a relationship, and you may be feeling she is perfect for you, while she may be enjoying the relationship, but she just doesn't feel strongly enough to take the relationship into a marriage. And if she wasn't honest or open about these feelings all along, then it will be a surprise for you when she does decide that she wants to move on.

 

So it really isn't a reflection on anything you did wrong, just that as she says, she wanted something different.

[Andy_2007]

people change.

 

it's sad sometimes but it happens and you just have to accept it.

 

i know without a doubt my ex was 100% completely in love with me. right up until the time she wasn't...

 

she changed and grew and all the differences between us that used to be overpowered by love weren't anymore. you just can't fight that. she couldn't and I certainly couldn't. this doesn't mean that i feel the love she had for me wasn't pure or real. i know it was. its just that eventually the love for me became secondary to her need to change.

 

i don't believe in this idea of 'the one'. what happens is two people meet and fall in love. the stronger that love, the more they seem to be 'the one' for you. but this just isn't true. people have many relationships where they feel intense emotion and love, not just one.

 

i had the feelings of her being the only one for me earlier in the break up, but they've passed as i've grown more objective about the situation.

[Softiron]

Right. She even said, "There was nothing you did wrong." I always thought she was hesitant to express her feelings, and just had a difficult time opening up and discussing the future. Turns out she just didn't feel it.

 

Even though I know I did nothing wrong, I still feel inadequate. The irrational part of my mind worries that if and when I do find another wonderful woman, the same thing will happen. This is the type of woman I like, so why wouldn't history repeat itself?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are no guarantees in relationships. Just because it happened to you this time, doesn't mean it will happen the next time. There are lots of women who have also been burned by a seemingly happy relationship which goes south becasue the guy just didn't feel it enough to take it to marriage. There are also plenty of people who get married and don't actually feel the deep love for their partner..they just marry for the sake of getting married. Nobody can crawl into somebody's head to figure out what is really going on. This is not anything that you did...this is her and the way she is feeling.

[Softiron]

Another question to those who have been through this.

 

We talked that at some point we would ideally like to break "no contact." If nothing else, at some point I'd like to be able to communicate with her on a casual basis (e-mail, Facebook, etc.). Ideally, we could reach a point that we could hang out in group settings, or something. It's not just breaking up with her. It's breaking up with her family and her dozen friends that I became close to.

 

Assuming she doesn't break NC first, how should I be feeling when I do it? I know there's no magic "wait time." Of course, it may reach a point where my breaking NC is just to say, "Hey, I've had time to sort everything out and decided I don't want to be friends." But right now I'm assuming that won't happen.

[Clabs]

Hey Softiron

 

I am sorry about the end of your relationship. Very often, the person ending it has likely been planning there exit strategy for some time - and it can take you completely by surprise, but not a decision they have made overnight.

 

So far as breaking NC is concerned, the time you are ready to contact her again is a time when you are happy to be invited to meet her new boyfriend and not want to smash his teeth out. But by this time you will likely not care. I wouldn't break nc to say you don't wnt to be friends with her if I were you.

 

Take care and look after yourself.

 

Mark

[Softiron]

She had been thinking about it for three weeks. In fact, she had initiated a couple of serious discussions about us. I was happy, because I thought it meant she was finally opening up to me about our future. Yeah. I know it wasn't a rash decision. And I told her I trusted her that this is what she needed.

[Softiron]

What's also hard is that during the three weeks she was thinking about it, we were having a good time. Valentine's Day was awesome. She told me she loved more times that night than I can ever remember and the whole night was romantic. We exchanged gifts. I wrote her a 110 page book (silly, adventure reading). She loved it.

 

Whenever someone's broken up with me before, they drew away a little bit first. I don't know how she kept it up until the last day.

[Andy_2007]

Whenever someone's broken up with me before, they drew away a little bit first. I don't know how she kept it up until the last day.

 

because she still had feelings for you, it doesn't just turn off like a tap. but, she'd checked out of the relationship already in her mind and it was probably playing on her all the time she was with you in that time.

 

sorry to ask this, but do you know if there's another person involved? i've found from my and others experience that in cases like this that's often what's happened.

[Softiron]

sorry to ask this, but do you know if there's another person involved?

 

A legit question I suppose. But I highly doubt it. I'm not saying she couldn't be attracted to somebody else right now. But cheating? She's too fiercly loyal for that (and she's never done it in the past, so there's no history). Considering how well she treated me, especially during the break-up, proved to me that she's too honest to have done something like that.

 

And, really, if I'm wrong, I don't want to know.

[broken-hearted]

Wll, i went through the same, for me there were small signs, but i NEVER thought we would break up, just problems we could get over. But what did i know, she is already with someone else, whom she actually left me for. I suspect that there could be a third party in this, when somebody goes from saying i love you on valantines day to breaking-up, then some suspition is there about her finding someone else!!! but that could be wrong. With that said, the best for you is to go into NC so she could feel the vacum that you leave in her life, thats the only way she would realize that she actually loves you and wants to be back. Stay in NC and dont break it for any reason other than her contacting you for a serious talk about reconciliation. Just my oppinion.