Don't want my bisexuality to excite the straight guys

[Lucy__lou]

I'm bisexual, and I like to think I'm a pretty open person but sometimes I worry that outing myself to straight guys (especially ones I'm interested in) is bad, like that I'm just doing it to give them lesbian fantasies about me. I know that in an ideal world, it wouldn't be an issue, but I do hesitate to out myself to such men. I mean, I'm generally accustomed to outing myself whenever it comes up (like as in correcting someone who makes an assumption that I'm straight). But then I feel like a tart for putting thoughts in their heads. I mean, if I'm interested in the guy, I want to maybe get to know him in a more platonic way first, so this kind of tends to take things to the sexual zone too fast.

 

Anyone have any thoughts on this one?

[JadedStar]

I can't understand why you would out it at all unless the person was a good friend...otherwise why would that need to be a part of basic conversation?

[Censored]

Well you're assuming that the man will automatically have a lesbian fantasy which may not be the case.

 

Also, is that really so different to them having a staight fantasy that involves you. I mean if you like each other, ten i am sure he has thought of you in that way.

 

Bottom line is, i think you need to "risk" that and be open about your sexuality. I don't imagine that you would want to get involved sexually and emotionally with a man only to hurt him and yourself if he wasn't accepting of you being bisexual.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is just one aspect of who you are. Some guys might be really excited if you said you loved watching football.

 

How other people feel about particular things/issues is their own business, and what they think is their own business. So I don't think it is appropriate for you to worry about trying to 'control' what someone else thinks or gets excited about.

 

And your sexuality is something you don't ever have to spill to another person unless you are sexually interested in them, and it applies to that individual.

 

Straight women don't feel obligated to spill that they like particular sex acts or don't, until it is relevant to their sexual partner. So i think you need to look at sexuality in that way, that any kind of sexual preferences is none of anyone's business until it is relevant to you as a couple, and that how the person reacts to it is their own business, not yours.

[JadedStar]

^^I agree if she is intimate wtih a person and dating them they should know...her post sounded more like she gives this out in convo with guys she just met. If they are not in a relationship or a good friend she wants to confide in i don't know why she would need to tell them anything.

[Censored]

^^I agree if she is intimate wtih a person and dating them they should know...her post sounded more like she gives this out in convo with guys she just met. If they are not in a relationship or a good friend she wants to confide in i don't know why she would need to tell them anything.

 

Yeah. That's what i meant too. BSBH explained it better

[Caterina]

Well, its something to worry about. A lot of women say that they're bisexual just to do that to men and so quite a few will assume you're just one of those women. I'd keep it a secret until I knew him better. Although, bisexuality might eventually become irrelevant if you pick one person to commit to since they will only be one gender.

[JadedStar]

Well, its something to worry about. A lot of women say that they're bisexual just to do that to men and so quite a few will assume you're just one of those women. I'd keep it a secret until I knew him better. Although, bisexuality might eventually become irrelevant if you pick one person to commit to since they will only be one gender.

 

 

GOod point, altho I know the OP has expressed a lot of interest in an open relationship and polyamory.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

To be quite honest, most guys I told either

 

a) dont care

or

b) feel threatened - "You could cheat with a GIRL, not just a GUY! ARGH!"

[Torres]

I too have made very big realizations regarding my own sexual identity. What was at first a mild attraction, being aware of attractive guys, has become full blown bisexuality. Although it in no way diminishes my attraction for women as well, but many are turned away by this, although they find it interesting, intriguing even. I am tempted sometimes not to disclose my sexual preferences but it does not seem fair to do this.

[Lucy__lou]

Thanks for your replies everyone. Just to repeat what I stated in my opening post, I don't go out of my way to disclose my orientation. But I do correct people if they assume I'm straight. I think that's just being honest. I have a friend who is semi closeted, and as far as I'm concerned his failure to correct people who assume he's straight (e.g. "do you have a girlfriend?" "no" ) is his way of keeping his orientation secret.

 

I disagree with the argument that sexual oreintation is in the same camp as sexual turn ons. It's not. I don't tell random people about my turn ons, that's inappropriate, but I think it's safest to be clear that you're not straight a lot of the time, because if you keep it hidden, it kind of prevents you from talking about gay related issues that's come up. I think it's best for people (e.g. friends, colleagues) to know so that for example, if you break up with your girlfriend, and you're sad, you don't want to be nursing them through their reaction to your orientation when what you really need is some sympathy. It's good for them to know what you're saying in contnext, and sometimes sexual (and heart) orientation is relevant to the context of many many things which you say when you are that way. My politics about all manner of things is very much related to my orientation, and the implications it has to my future family options and views on the family, and on hetero normative thigs I see around.

 

I know I'm rambling, so sorry for that, but my bisexuality (and bi amorousness) is not an intimate detail. It's part of who I am in the world too. I think it would be easier if I were simply a lesbian, but bisexuality is still sometimes associated with something unwholesome.

[Flux]

I find that guys who do know I'm bi think its great, though I think that might be the fact all of my male friends are ages between 16 and 23, so they have a slight bias. Namely their lack of maturity. But I think all men have thier neandrothal tendancies...

 

 

I've never told a guy I'm interested in though, I think it would change the situation too much. But, if they asked I would tell them.

 

I dislike that it gives men fantasies, and I agree that in an ideal world it would not. It also stops me from wanting to tell guys about my orientation, so I can relate to what you're saying.

 

Then guys are guys, more often that not complete neandrothols

[EQD]

hm.. with me i never had to break it to guys.. but rather confirm it...

they sometimes catch me looking at women and commenting on their features.. i know its not polite when you are dating someone else but.. thats just how it is for me.

I dont think i have ever met a guy who went crazy when they found out and went straight to "lesbian fantasies" and i have never had a guy reject me for it either.