Behold! The jewel in the lotus!

[SweetSmilingYeti]

I am a very introverted person but it is in hard times like this that I feel really really lonely. I know what to do. I know I have to NC. I know this. But knowing and doing are two opposite thigns I have found out.

 

I don't know what I really feel like right now. Tired? Helpless? No, not helpless. Just tired. I failed at my NC attempt. I tried so hard. Two days. TWO WHOLE DAYS. Then I get bored and decide to text him. I screwed everything up. I have noticed that once I start I am like a snowball riding down a hill. My mistakes get bigger and bigger. It feels awful to realize that fact AFTER you act stupid.

 

Right now, I do have hopes my boyfriend will still realize that he is missing something in his life but everyday I believe that less and less. So many people have told me that he is too young. Too young. TOO YOUNG FOR WHAT? Is that really an excuse? Too young to know what love is? It is age or maturity? Sometimes I feel like I am 15 years my age. I'm not saying I have all the answers or that I know who I am but I sure as hell haven't changed as dramatically as some people have.

 

I guess life hasn't really dealt me sweet innocent cards that cocooned me from the horrors of life. I was forced to grow up pretty fast and I guess I expect to find people my age as mature as me. heck what if I am as immature as the rest of them and only think of myself as mature? No, I get along better with my 25 year old sister than with my 17/18 year old friends. It's just that I know what I want from life and people. I don't feel the need to disrespect people for fun. Sometimes I feel like I take life too seriously but how can't I when my family has forced me to have problems that only adults should have?

 

it isn't like I'm an angry person. I have fun. I laugh. I act silly. But there is always something holding me back. Back to reality. You feel like you are almost free and then BAM, reality sets in and you cannot enjoy life as much as your friends do. haha this started as a journal about my ex. I guess that's the point. I am so wrapped up in my life. In my own sorrows that maybe that is why he broke up with me? He never relaly explained why. He siad we fought a lot. We did. Too bad he didn't know the only reason why I obssessed about school was the fact that if I didn't get any sort of scholarship I WASN'T going to school. My family doesn't have the money to send me like his. Maybe that is why it is so hard to let go. I feel like it's MY FAULT.

 

My days are filled with thoughts of my ex. I usually am good about not calling him but there is always that monster that creeps up. Creeps up very slowly but not slowly enough that you can't feel it. My need for him feeds it until it controls me. I don't want it to. I get mad with myself because I let it. I know that I am strong. I know this. I know this.

 

Why love a man who doesn't want me? Who doesn't see the beauty of love and devotion. It isn't worth it. I want to love somebody dearly. I feel like I have so much love I don't know who or what to give it to. I just know that when I do find that person they will be so lucky. I don't know what I am even saying. I feel like my life is scattered in a million places right now. I used to chant this mantra "Om mani padme hum". It means Behold! The jewel in the lotus. It is suppose to bring peace and compassion to one's life. I will start again tonight.

[SweetSmilingYeti]

So today I saw him at school. Oh god I started out okay. First period went by and I felt fine. Of course there was that NEED to talk to him. I said hi and stuff. We sit together so it is hard to just fully ignore him. I keep looking at his face and skin. I want to touch it so bad! It hurts. I don't know how many memories came floating through my mind of all the hugs and kisses he gave me. Second period came. We were still in class together but we sat accross the room from each other. I hate how I always glance at his face. I just hope that he could glance back at me so I can smile at him. For what right? He doesn't love me. He doesn't see me, the love of his life. He sees "me" his friend. That's it. It hurts so much. Too much. OH but then I hear his friends talking about me and I snap. Ever since they talked about me I have felt this doom just come closer and closer to me. They were whispering (or trying to) and I didn't want to overhear them but they were just saying like "Oh yeah she and him broke up. They went our again but he dumped her." Stuff like that. It felt like somebody was stabbing me. Literally stabbing me.

 

I didn't eat anything. I should go eat. If i lose 2 more pounds I would be exactly 18.5 for my BMI which is the lowest I can go before I am underweight. I just don't get hungry. He left to get something from his car today and I grabbed his backpack when we moved to a different lunch table. He never noticed or said thank you. He doesn't care. He just doesn't care.

 

In Econ class he sat where he sits, I kept looking at him. He only nodded when he saw me. I wish he would love me. I feel like I am gushing out love and he doesn't want any. When Biology came around I gave him a head rub. I started to cry and I didn't stop until..well I haven't stopped and it was like 2 hours ago. I miss him so much. I love him so much. He tells me he wants to be friends. I believe him. I just want my old boyfriend back. He has changed so much. Why? Why do people change for the bad? He had become like every other guy in school. He says I'll get over him. It's been a month and I still feel like it's today he broke up with me. I can't think. I just want to go home but I am home. I just want him to hold me and hug me and kiss me.

 

I feel like I'm drowning. I feel fake when I talk to people. Crying feels real. Telling him I love him feels real. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. He watched Dexter. I told him about Dexter. He watched it because I said it was good. That doesn't mean anything but it gives me this false sense of hope. He does think about me when he leaves school. He does. I don't know if I should call him. I said I was going to talk to him about this later. I"m just afraid that i I don't become his friend he will stop even liking me as that. I feel awful. I feel......I've never felt so rejected in my life. I just miss him. I miss him holding me.