Not sure where to go from here - love on the rocks

[Soulrift]

Hey guys, I was inspired to confide in these boards after reading the numerous stories and feedback given by its readers. Hopefully this 1st post goes in my favor !

 

Ill start out with a little background -

I am 20, in college, confidant, good-looking, and generally very happy with my life thus far. I have always had a lot of close friends and relationships and honestly I have my game down (for the most part) at this point. Unfortunately I do not know why I let a girl throw my life upside down.

 

I met this girl by sheer randomness and in retrospect I almost want to call it fate. I am very involved with my fraternity and during my pledge semester we had to "introduce" ourselves to the sororities with the gift of roses. We thought we would be creative and get the roses to "dye" themselves purple (their color) by dipping them in dye and it going through the petals. We all handed out our one flower to a girl of choice and introduced ourselves. Needless to say the dye just killed the flowers haha, they didn't dye or stay alive more than a day!

 

Anyway I went to eat a luncheon with some of my pledge brothers at a local restaurant the next day and was hit up by one of the girls we had given the flowers to. In a flirty-sarcastic manner she proceeded to criticize my gift giving abilities and we hit it off We exchanged numbers and it was the beginning of my end haha. This girl turned into my best friend and we always had an epic chemistry. We just lit up around each other. The only problem is that she was involved with a * * * * * boyfriend. I respected her situation and never tried to push the envelope too far (or even my input) but she knew I was interested. Never once did this girl cheat on her boyfriend with me or even hint it was a possibility and this caused me to build a deep trust with this girl (because I had my moments when I would joke around with the thought of her being with me). We spent a fabulous 5 months growing very close and the hint of love had blossomed in my heart.

 

Around the beginning of December this girl and her boyfriend split for good. I was ecstatic but kept my cool. I waited a few weeks then took her out on a few real dates. She told me the feelings for her ex lingered but she knew in her heart that he was never good to her and there was no sense getting into a abusive situation like that again. The feelings between us were intense. We turned into an inseparable duo. We were party partners, friends, and lovers. We enjoyed doing everything together. After about 2 weeks I felt like part of the family. We alternated staying between my place and hers and we never had any problems. We had met each others parents and even talked about planning a few weekend getaways from the college. I don't know how many times I was complimented on what a perfect couple we were in all aspects.

 

About a month into the relationship things took a great turn. She dropped the "L" word on me... and I was perfectly okay with saying it back I would get cutesy messages and calls and everything seemed so storybook. Then she just up and changed... She started being distant and cranky. My first thought of course was "girl time" it'll pass in a week... I wish that had been the case.

 

I avoided bringing up her change, hoping that it would pass.. then out of the blue she brought up "the talk" during a lunch we were sharing. She told me these feelings were new and scary and coming on so strong she did not know what to do. She said she felt like she was truly in love with me but she was just so "confused". My first thought was "its the freaking ex". She assured me he was out of the picture but she just needed "space" to figure out her own issues. She told me that I was the first nice guy she had ever been involved with and she felt like she did not deserve to be treated so well, like I was putting her on a pedestal, and it scared her. I explained that this was not just a phase or a act, that I truly cared about her and the treatment would remain as long as she was mine. I told her I supported her decision (even though I was crushed inside) and thats where the conversation ended.

 

We did not talk for 2 days.. then she started showing up everywhere I was and acting like nothing had changed and we were still the happy couple... she even went so far as to introduce me as "her boyfriend" and "the man she loves" to people we met at parties. I was so confused by this situation because she had stated she wanted space... so I made the mistake of dragging us into a serious conversation. She told me she cared about me so much and she loved me but she felt like she was jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend and once again stated she needed "space".. and that in the future we could start where we left off if I could just give her this space....

 

My thoughts ran wild at this point. Was there another guy? what the hell is going on? I drove myself nuts. We stayed out of communication for about 3-4 days and once again she started appearing everywhere I was at...... This hot and cold thing was driving me nuts. If she wanted me then BE with me DON'T try and string me along, ya know? This is when it reached breaking point. I threw a massive party at our frat house and got smashed. She showed up halfway through my drinking fest and in my stupor I dragged us into another serious conversation. I told her every feeling in my heart - I let it all pour out. She kept repeating that she loved me but this was exactly the opposite of what she was asking of me. In my drunk state I told her you know what.. you want space.. have it and just left.....

 

We spoke the day after and it was just awkward.. and she did not say she loved me which struck me as weird since it had been such an open term between us since its conception. After our conversation I deleted her number and told myself the only way to get the girl I love back was to cut communication off for a while. In my mind I felt like my constant vies to make her want me had pushed her away for good

 

It has been a week since we last had communication. She showed up at a party I was throwing (2/16 sat night uninvited) and it was like we were both invisible. She never talked to me or even acknowledged I was there. i was so hurt, I left my own party and crashed at a friends place. We seem like COMPLETE strangers now I feel like I am truly in love with this girl and I cant even imagine another woman in my life.

 

Do I just need to keep no contact and weather out the storm? Does this situation sound like one that could be salvaged? I want this girl back so bad and I am willing to wait but I do not want false hopes. What am I not seeing here? Why does she keep showing up where I am at? I feel so depressed inside and hurt by the whole situation and just try and keep myself busy but I cannot help but constantly think about her. This whole relationship crashed so quick and without a valid reason I just cannot grasp it all.

 

I appreciate your feedback!

[Lana0120]

I'm sorry to hear about this situation. You must be crushed. I totally agree with you though, that she was giving you mixed messages. On the one hand she was telling you she "wanted space" but her actions kept saying something different. No wonder you got confused and needed serious conversations to clarify. I also think it's understandable that you lost your temper and told her that if she wanted to have space, she could have it. Perhaps not the best thing to do, but I can understand it. Enough is enough. I think your assessment of the situation is exactly what you should do. Give her what she wants: space. If you see her, be polite, perhaps just say you are sorry at your outburst but you will respect her wishes and give her the space she needs, if you want to speak to her, and leave it at that. I hope she comes around.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Lana, she was indeed giving you mixed messages..."do as I say, not as I do". I think you frustration and anger is understandable. It doesn't sound to me like she holds herself accountable for her actions. I would say give her space and if she continues to show up and tries to talk to you, just be polite and keep conversation to a minimum. Tell her you are honouring her request for space. There is nothing much else you can do except ride out the storm...it is difficult and painful but there is no other choice.

[Soulrift]

I really appreciate the input. I found her waiting in our student union with a large group of her friends for me when I came down for dinner last night - I kept NC. Just walked in and ate my dinner. I caught her giving me the laser eyes from the common area - I could also tell she was talking about me to her friends. maybe shes actually missing me or shes just mad I am able to keep my cool. We have a giant rush party planned for this Thursday and I am willing to bet my tuition she will show up. I will make an update if anything happens. Once again I really appreciate the input. I got my definition coming back for spring break and I don't think she's the only one noticing! hopefully she will come around in a few weeks when she realizes what she is giving up (shot at true love !)

[finalcloud13]

I think you will reach a satisfying conclusion with a bit of time. Just continue to keep low or no contact, but if you ever encounter her be polite and look happy and confident. I don't have much to tell you because it already seems that you have a sense of what to do and not to do. I hate when exes do the "hot & cold" thing though. Make sure you don't let her do that to you.

 

I do think she started dating you too early after she got out of her relationship though.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you are on top of things...good for you.

[sinnerboy]

just move on, you are in college there is tons of girls to pick from. dont waist your time on one, that is crazy. plus your too young to be in a relationship. just have fun.

[Soulrift]

Well I have an update.. We had a massive recruitment event at a local bowling alley and she was the first girl to show up besides us and the pledges..... Kept NC and acted like I was having an amazing time (even if it was killing me inside). I could tell she was looking at me alot of the time but I kept my cool. She grazed by me about 15 times - I could tell she was making an effort to get closer to me so I kept moving around casually.... We moved the event to a local party house and she showed up.... with one of my fraternity brothers.. I couldnt keep my mouth shut.. but I wanted to handle it decently. She grazed by me another few times and I broke NC and dropped a casual "whats up". She stopped and got a huge smile.. I got a "Heyy!!!" and a huge hug and I kinda left it at that. Don't wanna seem too interested or needy right? After that initial hi she started looking at me ALOT - it was very noticeable. I kept my cool and just mingled and smiled (my god that was the hardest thing in the world). The frat brother of mine she showed up with.. they didnt seem to be "with" each other and he was pretty drunk so I hope she was just the DD.. but its killing me and I almost wanna call him up and be like "DUDE WE ARE BROTHERS. WHAT IN THE HELL?" It is driving me nuts. They left together and he claimed he was going home to sleep because he had a test... She drove when they left and I headed back because my mind was running wild. I know I am so close to doing something stupid like calling or driving by his place to check for her car blah I hope I can keep my cool tonight.

[Soulrift]

Well I cant sleep but I found out from my frat big brother she was only the DD and simply dropped him off at his house and drove home (he is his roommate). That felt like a 1000lbs had came off my shoulders. Now that NC is broken what do I do? I want her back so bad it makes my mind run CRAZY sometimes but if its going to happen I REALLY need to play this right. Glad I was able to calm myself down earlier and NOT go snooping around or calling anyone. Should I just remain in the "give space" stage and try and be polite? Or should I be a little flirty with her and maybe swing for a coffee get together? Also lets say if I did land a coffee date should I even remotely bring up the thought of getting back together or just make small talk, try not to seem awkward, and act like I am perfectly happy in my life without her (I.E Lie). I need a girls input on this one.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Look, she has to do more than walk by you 50 times giving you the eye...she has to grow up. Real mature women or men who break up with someone and then realize their mistake should be going over and talking to the ex, explaining things, making amends and suggesting to go out. She hasn't done any of that...she is just trying to get under your skin...to get you to take the responsibility off her shoulders and initiate something. She is the Queen of mixed messages....so maybe this little game of hers is simply to get you to grab for the dangling carrot so she could pull it away again. I mean really, she is at a party and instead of going over to talk to you, she walks by you many many times giving you the eye...how childish.

[jmupike26]

Soulrift-

 

Hey bud. I know how tough this situation is because as I was reading your story I couldn't believe how it is almost exactly like my experience. Granted we are a little older (I am 26 and she is 27), but almost the exact same situation. We were best friends for almost a year, she had a boyfriend, she never cheated, and I could always tell something was there and we had a very strong connection. We could talk for hours blah, blah, blah...When she broke up with him I played it cool because I knew she had just gotten out of a relationship and I did not want to rush things. She made the moves on me within a week and I could not have been happier. She later informed me that she left him for me. We were hanging out all the time outside of work and other responsibilities, she was always sleeping over. She knew all along that I would be leaving in four months to go back to graduate school. She took me on two vacations with her family and she would tell them how she could see marrying me. She would ask me what we were going to do after I graduated etcetera. I will cut to the chase....About a week and a half before I was supposed to leave for school I could tell something was different. I confronted her about it and she said almost the same thing your girl said. She felt like she had gone from one relationship to the next since high school, she was just getting ready to finish her second degree in nursing and needed to figure out who she was and what she wanted out of her life. As you can tell the list goes on and on and the similarities are astounding. The only difference is that my situation was going to turn long distance. Two days before I left I discussed it with her and she said, "I don't want to break up and I don't want to see other people, I just want to slow things down without messing up this relationship." I was okay with that and we were going to have more space since I was leaving and would only see her a couple time a month. When I asked her about did she feel I was her boyfriend her response was "I don't know if I can be in relationship, but I don't want to lose you and I don't want to break up." I was just like if you don't want to be in a relationship then we have to break up. I never begged or pleaded or any of that. It was fairly emotional when I left and we continued to talk for almost two months. She would say she missed me and it was amazing and yada yada yada. One time she said she just didnt know she was going to feel that way about long distance until the time came for me to leave. Her last boyfriend was long distance and it was very difficult. She still also held to the idea that she needed some time in her life to be single and work on her, which most people really do need to do this. I eventually went

NO CONTACT at the end of September because I could not take her mixed signals any more. I have not talked to her since the end of the September and I will say that it has not been easy, but I just don't see a point in contacting her when I cared for her so deeply. I recently found out she is in another relationship through a mutual friend. Instead of caring for her, now I just have negative feelings for her. I know I am rambling here, but I am giving you some background to make a point. Sometimes these things just happen and we don't know why. I have mulled it over time and time again. There are good day and not so good days. One thing that I have realized through all of this is that I should not want to be with somebody that is so hot and cold. I do feel disappointed by my own judgment in situation. She said she loved me and I believed her and now she is seeing somebody else. The person who truly cares for you will not question their feelings for you. I imagine my ex will continue to jump from guy to guy trying to find what she cannot find within herself. If you have made your feelings clear to her, she should be the one to come back to you and to do so in mature, direct manner. I wish you the best and if she comes back, take it slow and make her earn it. If not then just remember that THESE THINGS HAPPEN AND WE DON'T ALWAYS KNOW WHY! Try not to obsess over it and let it consume your life as I have done. Hope this helps.

[sinnerboy]

hey,

 

if you really want her back, then you must show to her you dont care anymore and at least look like your moving on. if she sees your iterested, she will keep on playing with you. i know you wont listen i did nt when somebody colose to me told me the same. i had to experience the pan on my skin in order to understed. i got my ex back twice and she was the one always coming back to me... i never called her first or beged her back this never works. im sure if she knew i wanted her back, she would play with me like a toy women do that... hope this will help... REMEMBER THERE ARE LOTS OF GIRLS OUT THERE... GOOD LUCK

[Soulrift]

Sinnerboy - it seems like this is becoming an increasingly better option. I won't lie and I don't wanna seem cocky but - I am in great shape and I have alot of women approach me at parties and our events but I just cant get over her - and honestly I don't want to - at least not while I still feel like theres more in store for the two of us, ya know? My brothers keep saying "Don't Chase. Replace." and she will come back so thats why I tend to agree with your statement. I want to be polite and I def dont want to seem like I am still "chasing" her. I will try to stick to a casual hey if she keeps showing up where I am and leave it at that. I am usually the nicest guy in the world but on occasion I have a tendency to let my temper get the best of me and can turn into a sarcastic pr*ck when my buttons get pushed and thats only going to make matters worse. I will honestly try and put on a happy face and start picking up on more women publicly - hopefully it wont backfire?

 

One thing I forget to mention last night at our bowling alley rush event - I had one of the most attractive women in the building chasing my tail around the event and I noticed whenever I initiated a flirty conversation with her my Ex would totally remove herself from the area. shes not the jealous type hence why it struck me as odd. This girl actually gave me her number towards the end of the night before we moved to our party house and thats when my ex left the building (only to show up at our party a few hours later). I am a terrible message reader, how would you view that situation? could it be the hint of her seeing what she gave up?

 

Once again thanks to everyone who has replied - I have tried my best to keep my composure throughout this whole ordeal and I feel like I am doing an alright job (aside from rambling online). Everyones advice has helped to make me feel a lot less crushed and put it all in perspective.

 

Jmupike26 - thats astonishing. If you would like, shoot me a PM and we can share more details. Maybe I can get an edge from your situation

[Lana0120]

By continuing to give her the space she wants (although she's not giving you much space by the sound of it) but being friendly when she initiates contact with you, you're doing the right thing. From what you're saying, I'd be surprised if she doesn't ask you to take her back at some point soon. If she doesn't, then it's a shame, but at least you kept your pride.

[Soulrift]

well heres my final update.

 

found out from her close friends that the week she started acting weird she had starting seeing someone behind my back. She blew me off on valentines ended up having dinner with him. basically im crushed - time to move on.

 

once again I got a one way trip to the school of hard knocks

[scotty77]

well heres my final update.

 

found out from her close friends that the week she started acting weird she had starting seeing someone behind my back. She blew me off on valentines ended up having dinner with him. basically im crushed - time to move on.

 

once again I got a one way trip to the school of hard knocks

When I was reading your original post when you mentioned that she started acting cranky and distant,my initial thought was perhap she has met someone else..

[brandnew1]

i would make sure she is actually into this guy. seems to me like she still likes you. also seems like she is okay with serious conversations. find out where the two of you stand so you can end it or begin it like mature adults. none of these games.