My NC Journal

[tru8lue]

Today is day 13 of NC. I received an email from her last Saturday that didn't make much sense. For whatever reason, when we broke up almost 2 weeks ago now. She thought that I thought that she had cheated on me. She thought the same about me. It was an ugly break up...our whole relationship was EXTREMELY passionate both in the good and bad. Anyways...she went on to tell me that she got tested for STD's and everything came back negative. She want on to provoke me saying something along the lines of "since im the mature one here, i'm letting you know that you have nothing to worry about...etc...etc" then went on to reference something about our fight about something i called her. Whatever we went on to call each other many things, but i'm not writing her a letter to call her out on it.

 

I had blocked her on myspace, so she had sent me this email. The next day Sunday she sent me a text message saying "all i want to know is if you got the message, thx"

 

I don't feel like responding to her for myself...it's so hard because i'm still really angry about the whole breakup and how she could do it on impulse and over a text message (impulse because we got in an argument).

 

I still love her and its hard...i have been strong and not replied to her email or text...but i can't stop thinking about whether or not she still loves me or thinks of me...it sux because there was so much amazingly good stuff in our relationship...and i felt that she quit on us...after investing so much

 

I am so bitter...there has been no closure for me....all i have done is gone and seen a therapist....slowly moved on with my life...yesterday I broke down...it was a really bad day

 

What is the real reason that she is sending me these emails? I have never lost trust in her or never thought that she would be cheating on me...so I would never be concerned about STD's. She obviously thought that I didn't trust her...but if she thought that...why the hell would she bother telling me about the test results? The only reason I can think of is that she did in fact cheat on me and she wants to make sure that I don't retaliate against her for giving me something, if I where to notice down the line. I had myself tested before we got in a relationship and I was completely clean. I never cheated on her.

 

I'm thinking that she's trying to maintain contact or trying to see if she still has power/control over my emotions, which would show in the fact that I respond.

 

I don't know what to think...I will stay with NC but I feel like it might be childish to not respond if she sincerely wants to make sure that I know, but then again im looking out for my feelings. Knowing her, she would probably send another provoking response to my message, even if i'm not asking her a question...i can't deal with that now...it would upset me...in which NC i justified I think...

 

I would appreciate anyones thoughts...i'm so nervous right now...we will definitely have to see each other again as we run in the same circle of friends and activities...unfortunately there is no way around this...it's either her or I quit our passion (which would make me more upset if I have to quit)...or we find some way to co-exist. Unfortunately we will not be able to negotiate anything...

 

 

[tru8lue]

Day 14, today is Valentine's day. One of my mutual friends is throwing a singles get together today at a local lounge/restaurant. Unfortunately I find out today that my ex was planning on going as well. I am not ready to see her and according to the mutual friend, she doesn't know that i'm coming.

 

I'm still doing good emotionally...but the thought of seeing her and breaking down will just set me back, so i'm thinking of not going...of course i will not tell the mutual friend that...i will just say im making other plans...

 

It is getting easier and easier as time goes on...but i'm not looking forward to the day that we run into each other...which is unavoidable unless one of us succumbs to fear..

 

At this point I wish she would contact me...just to know that she is thinking of me...although i wouldn't respond for myself. I just feel that she moved on already and doesn't care about what happened to us...

[tru8lue]

...and it's getting easier and easier. I am a dancer and I go out social dancing often. Fortunately/unfortunately, I sprained my ankle over the weekend in salt lake city. So I can't leave the house...which helps me in not running into the ex...but at the same time i'm confined to my place, which sucks.

 

I heard from a mutual friends that she wants to call me because she wants closure...but she's the one that decided to end it over TEXT MESSAGE! (i've already ignored a provoking email and text from her BTW) I don't feel like I owe her anything...at first I wanted the closure but I feel like she doesn't deserve it.

 

What does anyone think? The breakup was very ugly...it resulted in insults going back and forth. I'm so bitter because she wanted to pull the card where she wanted space, disappeared and never said anything for a couple weeks, then told me she wanted indefinite space to think things over...but she wanted her cake and to eat it to...by keeping me in the relationship! I was not about to sit around in limbo about what she wanted to do...which is exactly what she wanted.

 

Am I wrong to be angry? Should I talk to her after what she did to me? My emotions are all over the place...I can't keep her out of my mind...but at the same time I think of all the bad stuff about the relationship and how she acted so selfishly towards the end (a repeat of how we got into the relationship...she strung me along for two months while she decided between her ex and me...I had already been seeing her for 6 months prior to me giving her an ultimatum...which I mistakenly did not keep).

[tru8lue]

I no longer have a single urge to call her. My anger is still inside of me from the breakup and it intensifies when I think about all the other similar selfish things she has done throughout our relationship.

 

Apparently she wants to contact me to get "closure", I think that is really funny. She won't call because she's afraid I won't answer according to my friend, since I have already ignored 2 messages from her.

 

This relationship has taught me a lot...It has pointed out my faults and her faults (although she undoubtedly will always be in denial)...I hope we can both learn from them...I am much happier now than when I was with her...I feel free...I can do anything I want. I don't need a woman to validate my self-esteem or ability to be my own person.

 

What gets my emotions going are all the really good times that we did have. I miss the companionship...I miss the SEX (yes im a guy)...she WAS a really good best friend in the past (I can't say that about recently). But then my rational side keeps kicking in now and I just tell myself that we are a bad combination and that she has issues to work out herself. My mind is more in control. There was a lot more bad than good in the relationship...making the good things not worthy of staying in it. My mind tells me that maybe I was never really in love with her...which makes me sad...my heart tells me otherwise though.

 

It's sad...maybe in the future after we have both matured we can be friends again...and who knows...maybe we will both have grown stronger by then and we can give it another shot (if we are both still available). The fact is that there was a lot of potential in this relationship...we fell for each other while we where friends...not for superficial reasons at all.

 

I feel stronger and stronger in keeping NC. Unfortunately I might have to break it in order to get my things back and the money she owes me. I might have to think that one over to see if its worth it. She owes me some clothes that I left over there and $400 (I don't really need the money, but its the principle).

 

I still have one last challenge...unfortunately I WILL have to see her again...as we run in the same circle of friends, acquaintances, and activities. There is really no way around this...this will be the biggest obstacle to overcome...especially if she has moved on and started dating someone else within that same circle (which you don't do out of respect in our circle...but there are some jerks/assholes out there). I sprained my ankle, which will add at least another week of NC to this, for a total of 30 days.

 

The challenge awaits...it's very easy not to pick up the phone anymore (I just got to stop looking at her myspace comments...I hate doing that)

 

P.S. I almost broke NC over the weekend with a drunken TEXT! I'ts either good to be sober and not make that decision or too drunk to dial the number people! I misdialed one number! That would have been a catastrophe! No more getting drunk until i'm completely healed (I shouldn't be doing that anyways).

[tru8lue]

I think i'm going to try to stay away from ENA for awhile...though people's posts that I can relate to...really inspire me in moving on...some of the responses and peoples frustrations get to me...and then I get very emotional...

 

I broke down today...it's so hard because I know that I will run into her pretty soon...there is no way around it...and part of me wants to...I want to put myself to the test and see what kind of feelings are left...then analyze the situation...I don't want to stay in hiding for ever...

 

If I never had to see her again...it would be so easy to move on...

 

I have realized that my anger has subsided a lot in the past 24 days...and i'm starting to miss the good things about my ex and the relationship...it's probably because i'm not used to being alone yet...but I keep having dreams with her in it each night...

 

I keep wondering if she's thinking just as much about me as I think of her...every day that goes by I think less of her in social situations...but whenever i'm by myself....she is ALWAYS on my mind...I can't get her out of my head....I know I shouldn't care what she's up to...but deep down I hope that she is thinking about me....that I did make an impact on her life just as much as she did for mine...

 

Love does not go away overnight...right now I feel that it will take months...and even more if i'm going to be seeing her regularly...part of me wishes she would just disappear off the face of this planet...I know it sounds selfish...but it's so hard to move on when I have to see her

[tru8lue]

It's been almost a month since we broke up. Early this morning she sent me another email asking me that she needs to straighten some things out...she didn't mention specifics. The day we broke up I sent her a letter saying that when she recovered from her illness (she had the Mono), if she would give me the money she owes me. I'm not sure if this letter she sent me was specific to the money...but I responded that all I wanted to talk about was the money that she owed me and how we are going to go about exchanging our belongings.

 

I didn't want to break contact...but I can use the money to pay off some debt. She owes me $400.

 

After sending that email...I feel pretty good about myself. I sounded very decisive in that email...I made it very clear that I did not want to discuss ANYTHING other than our stuff and our money.

 

She better respond to that email...I will give her a week...otherwise i'll just write her another email to just keep the stupid money and to never contact me again.

 

Or I will take her to small claims court...not sure yet.