Hunny1607307342 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hi all......... I wrote this, realised it was really really long, so here is the short version. A lot of critical detail is missing so I’ll just clarify things when people respond etc. Thank you so much xxxxxxxx Was in a serious relationship with a guy for 2 years, he was madly in love with me , and I loved him too . He revolved his entire life around me. Over time I began to take him for granted, acted immaturely in arguments, we fought a lot over PETTY things. Broke up a million times and got back together a million times because we were too crazy about each other to let small things get in the way. In October our first years of university started and he suddenly had loads of responsibilities because he works too. We had another stupid fight- it was all 100% my fault, I was being a pain in the ass- and we broke up again. But this time we didn’t get back together. Its been 4 months now. After 2 months of NC, I went back to him (in December), told him recognised my mistakes, confessed my undying love, promising I would change if he gives me another chance, but he merely said that he’d given me too many chances in the past to change and now its too late, because he’d been through so much and that his heart has now “gone cold”. I was devastated. I know he can’t see himself with another girl, (at least not for a VERY long time), so that is not an issue. It’s mid-February now, I am still in pools of regret at what happened, possessed of a broken heart, and I know what we had was real, and I need him to see that I’m genuinely serious about having changed. But he is just so stubborn. Is there still a chance? Help. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 you can't make some one want to be with you, or commit to you----if you need to make a major change to get his love----i find it not worth having Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 True i do think your point is generally valid, but I was a complete pain in the ass I would have probably done the same in his position. he would have broken up with me sooner if he wasn't so attached..i even saw him cry for the first time when i was leaving his car on that night Link to comment
PixelPusher Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Unfortunately, there is very little you can do if his heart has "gone cold." No amount of you proving anything will matter until (if ever) his heart opens up to you again. Sounds like it was just one fight too many. Give him time and work on these issues you recognize. He may never come back, but if you truly take the time to work on your issues then you'll be a much more successful partner for a future relationship. Honestly, two months is hardly any time to actually recognize AND solve emotional baggage. Most likely you telling him this just comes accross as bargaining. My Xwife (and even I did, too) would promise to change and we did for short periods of time. But without REAL dedication and lots of "alone time" to figure it all out, it's difficult. So don't look at this period as being alone but rather a perfect chance to really dig and find out and solve your issues. If you still feel like you need to express something to him, then write him a heartfelt email or letter. No begging, no pleading. Take responsibility for your actions, apologize and then the ball is in his court. He may or may not respond... so take the time to concentrate on you. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 True i do think your point is generally valid, but I was a complete pain in the ass I would have probably done the same in his position. he would have broken up with me sooner if he wasn't so attached..i even saw him cry for the first time when i was leaving his car on that night what else is there to say if in your words "his heart has grown cold".....if a partner being attached is a poor reason to break up, we would all have three wives here Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks very much for the advice One thing I am really having trouble understanding IS the whole " heart going cold " thing. I just can't comprehend how it is possible for ones heart to go cold. I know he didn't WANT to break up with me, he just couldn't handle our relationship the way it was, so how can you suddenly feel nothing? Surely he must feel something, that's what I keep telling myself. If he didn't, maybe he'd be less aggressive about it- in december his exact words were (in response to me asking him to follow his heart) " I don't give a crap about my heart anymore, its gone cold ... people go through depressions in their lives and they get over them. You're heart will eventually go cold too ". I was actually STUNNED at the time that he would speak like this, it was almost like i was standing infront of a different person. But then on the few times ive tried to establish a friendship he behaves awkwardly around me, so surely he can't be over me. Anyway, my point is i just don't understand how people have the capacity to develop a cold heart. its almost not human. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 your heart goes cold when you get tired of the same old stuff......doesn't mean you don't care for them, but the passion is gone Link to comment
PixelPusher Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 ^^^^ Exactly. I didn't "fall out of love" with my Xwife right away... but her emotional abusive behavior and her cheating on me certainly made my heart "go cold." Despite what we had together in the past, I just couldn't get over her actions. I just couldn't do it anymore. Not that I'm saying what you've done is comparable to cheating, but I'm saying I DO understand your boyfriend's "gone cold" comment. Everyone has a threshold and he was pushed beyond the point where "love" could bring him back. I know it sucks... he may still have feelings for you but he is choosing to move on and heal from what he sees as a destructive relationship. I suggest you do too. The future might bring you back together, and it might not. Link to comment
l_lollipop Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hunny - this is the same situation as me. It's like I wrote that!!! In the 2 years I was with my ex - we split 8 times!!!! Mainly because of my irrational behaviour. The arguments got too much for him, and he maintains he loves me, is IN love with me, but cannot be in a relationship with me. I'm stunned too - I don't understand how you can love someone and walk away. I wish in a way he didn't love me. I'd have a better understanding of why it's come to this. I have in the past few days come to realise, this is life... as much as I want him back, he'll only come back if he wants, all the words, actions and changes I can make mean nothing if he feels he can't be with me. You did so well going NC for 2 months, I hope you did that for you and not just as a ploy to get him to miss you and get back, because if you did, the next NC will be just as tough - it's all that pain,all over again. Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hi Hunny, I agree with the others, I think he has moved on, if I were you I would try and do the same. Maybe someday down the line you will get back together... it's possible, but if as you say he can't see himself with anyone but you, it will take alot more than 2 months like Pixelpusher said. I would move on and not count on anything though. Jeff Link to comment
EQD Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 i was in this position before. its better to just move on and learn from your mistakes. chances are this is one opportunity ruined. you should probably let it go. Link to comment
l_lollipop Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Best thing though - you've realised your mistakes and you sure as hell won't make them again. I know I have. I'll never be the person that was in my last relationship. So, when the day comes I meet someone else, you'll have tons more to offer him than you offered your ex. That's a great thing!!! Be pleased with that. That relationship was meaningful, you felt loved, you learnt lessons and all making you the person you are now. Think positive!! xx Link to comment
lonely83 Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hi Hunny, I find you situation a bit similar to mine, split up with my ex of a year and a half in Oct 07, due to commitment reasons, she dumped me. she always told me I was her first love. Then throughout Dec she was telling me she made a mistake, wanted to try again, wasn't scared anymore etc etc. In Jan we met up three times first on a lunch break, second time she came and stayed at mine - we talked about not rushing in to things etc etc. Third time was the last time I saw her - she then rang me about a week later - nearly 4 weeks ago now said she felt things had changed to much and was no longer willing to give us the chance to work it out! She went on to say she was now dating someone else, (I'm sure you can imagine how much that hurt, for her not to be able to be with me due to commitment but to be ok to date someone else...). she went on to say she didn't want to talk to me anymore and we haven't spoken since. Like you I guess I can't understand why she wasn't willing to give us more of a chance to work things out etc.. lonely83 Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 I don't understand how you can love someone and walk away. By the same token he probably spent 2 years wondering how you can love someone and treat them so badly, act irrationally, hurt them continually and be the cause of 8 breakups. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how you would feel if someone did that to you for two years...wouldn't you reach a point of saturation...a point where you say that it is just not worth the mental anguish. Love is great, but with love comes respect for self and respect for the partner. If the partner is disrespecting you by acting irrationally, picking fights, being abusive, whatever, eventually, for respect of self, the other person will have to walk away. To say that you can't understand how someone can love someone and just walk away means that the attitude which caused the split is still there...that is, not being able to put yourself in the other person's shoes...it is still all about you. That is why the other person can't come back. Not unless there are some serious changes in attitude so that the above statement gets changed to "I understand why you had to walk away even though you love me...I understand that my actions were not healthy". Link to comment
bustertypsy Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Hi Hunny,I am sure that all these petty rows were not all your doing. It takes two to make a relationship work.So he has decided to throw in the towel.You mentioned that he is so stubborn.Well the worst thing you can do to a stubborn person is pressure them into doing what they don't want to do. It's a pity you broke NC,but at least you have learned from it.All you can do is stand back and try and piece your life together.Do not pressure him and maybe a warm glow might appear in his heart again.If he truly loves you,he may be biting off his nose to spite his face.If this is the case he will see in time what he has done,and he may very much regret it.Who knows,but don't wait for that day.Take it as over for now and if there is to be any contact,make sure it's from him,not you. Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 thank you sooooooooo much for the advice, its really given me a new perspective. i dont feel as lost, and i have a better idea of what it means when he says his heart has gone 'cold'. and sparkle, its realllllyy great to know im not alone, like other people have been in the same position as me. i have managed to do everything positively since the break up, ie better myself as a person, but i just got so attached, that i feel like he's part of me, so subconsciously, whether i liked it or not..... a little bit of me did it for him i guess i can only give things time and see what happens... its just so hard !! and with regards to the last post, yep he is so stubborn, and hence in december when i tried to get back wtih him he got very aggressive........ Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 oh yes also i forgot to mention, about a week ago, i asked him casually if he wanted to join me on a walk because the weather was nice, and it was LITERALLY because I wanted friendly company. I was convinced he'd say he was busy or something But he said YES I was VERY surprised, so we just walked for about half an hour in the park, just about general chit chat really. He was very quiet and ditached, I was doing most of the talking (about life etc.) And then afterwards we just had a quick hug and went home. And then later on that evening he texted me asking if i "wanted to tell him something, or if I just wanted to walk". I was really surprised at this , but I just said I wanted to walk and missed having company. Anyway that was that. I wasn't sure what to make of it... Link to comment
blondyx Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 omg i know exactly how u feel. me and bf were together a year and a half and we had loads of fights over the past few months. we were proper in love, it was serious. most of them my fault, i was too jealous and paranoid he'd dump me and find someone else, (funny that, coz i thought it, it made him annoyed and want to do it) and i didnt really open myself up enough and would b too emotional and b moody with him. we broke up several times and he always came back but this time hes said its too late, it all got to much for him, hes moved on and is happier now. its been 6 weeks. he was an * * * * * * * actually, he dumped me over the fone and when i txt him saying i wanna c him in person to talk about it he said 'were over deal with it' sorry i dont no what to say. try and trust ur instincts, instincts always knows. he might one day come back once hes been with other people he might realise ur the one he wants to be with. but he may not, you said u can change and hes still not changing his mind. if u 2 r really meant to b together, he will eventually come back. if not, then its not meant to be. but for now, think hes not comin back, and try and do things to make u happy. keep busy and spend time with ur friends and work and stuff. if u wanna talk about it in more detail then message me and i wil listen Link to comment
Hunny1607307342 Posted March 4, 2008 Author Share Posted March 4, 2008 heey aww thank u so much for ur message its so true how you said if two people are meant to be then it will happen either way im sorry you had to go through that with your ex aswell its such an annoying situation to be in! but as the time goes by, hopefully the negativity will all be gone... Link to comment
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