Did I Make A Mistake?!

[sunflower_girl]

Feeling REALLY sad right now. My ex and I talked last night and I ended up sending this e-mail to him this morning. DID I MAKE A MISTAKE???? Please read it and tell me that I didn't come off as a crazy person.

 

"The conversation last night was cut short so it was an awkward ending. I’m just writing this e-mail to clarify what I meant.

 

First, I want you to know how much I love and care about you. I really want to prove that we’ve broken up for six months, I’m more stable now, I’m graduating early (which mean I’ll be moving back to TX permanently in 1.5 years) and I really want us to rebuild trust/relationship.

 

I just feel so cheap being the “side girl”. Being your “friend” when we’re apart and making love to you when we’re in the same city. I feel clingy calling you to share funny stories and getting sad when you don’t pick up/not return my calls. A girlfriend would have the right to expect a reasonable amount of time, effort, commitment and exclusiveness. Now that we’re just friends, I don’t have the right to expect things from you. You seem so sure that you don’t want to be with me, but it confuses me when you say things like “move in with me” or “I can see us married”.

 

I think about you a great deal and I want you in my life. I want it to be official—I want to have the right to brag that I’m dating an amazing guy. I don’t want to be “friends” with the potential of getting my heart secretly broken when you start seeing someone new.

 

The current arrangement is too hard for me. It’s been six months…that’s ample time for you to make up your mind about us. Do you love me enough to see a future together? If not, I have to say goodbye and really stick to it this time. Dragging this decision on longer will only cause me more heartbreak."

[blender]

My dear, it's okay that you sent the "truth" to him.. but more importantly read it for yourself. He is no longer worthy of your precious heart, mind and body. And I think you have discoverd this to be the truth. You loved, you tried, now you can choose to LEARN and let go..

 

He is not emotionall ready to be who you 'hope and wish" he could be in your life, that is very different than who he actually IS in your life.. It's in accepting this FACT about him that you will begin to regain your self respect, your independence and to break the emotional habit/drug you have allowed him to become in your life.. and like any "bad habit" he's not good for you.

 

so just try to think of this as a deal you make with yourself, no worries about the email you sent to him, it's time to take all that you have discovered about yourself and let go of ANY guy who would be physically intimate with you, yet not be fully committed to you.. Don't allow yourself to repeat that pattern with ANY guy...this was not a mistake, it was a life lesson, and now you can choose to learn from it, hold your head up high, mourn the loss of who you "hope and wish" he could be, and now accept the FACT that he is NOT worthy of your precious heart anymore.

 

I know you are hurting, and you should be proud of yourself for expressing this email to him, now stick by it, do NOT contact him again, don't worry if he doesn't respond to the email, just choose now to feel empowered by the FACT that YOU are NOT interested in ANY guy who is not intentionally cherishing YOU the way you are cherishing him...

 

He's just not ready, he's selfish, it's all about HIM, and HIS needs, HIS wants.. and now you have to let go, and focus on YOU.. and all the wonderful possibilities in YOUR future, you are strong, you will get through this, you will NOT allow yourself to contacct him again. Why go to a dry well for water only to leave more thirsty each time?

 

Stand up straight, cry if you need to, forgive yoursel for anything you don't feel so good about, learn from all of it, be proud of the fact that you are "out growing" this guy, and you are going to choose to let go, and cherish yourself and only choose to stay invovled with guys who know how to respect you, cherish you and committ to you... he's NOT capable of doing so, so the fact is HE is losing YOU.. becuase you are now going to have NO more contact, okay, this is a deal you make with yourself.. one day at a time.. okay?

[CatsMeeoow]

You do not sound crazy! You sound like you've got your crap together.

 

Now... you need to stick by what you've said... 100%!!!

 

You may not hear from him today or tomorrow... let HIM dwell on it... you my dear have better things to do and by no means does it mean contacting him for any reason unless he steps up to the plate.

 

Kudos to you for drawing your line in the sand. You are showing him you are worth so much more! I know putting this out there is hard and there will be moments you'll want to cave and take it all back... but he'll only lose respect for you. Sometimes it takes people a good month to realize you meant what you said. Especially if you've been going back and forth he may not see you as serious at first.

 

Stick to your guns and maybe you'll get the outcome you're hoping for.

 

Cats

[SweetSmilingYeti]

To be honest, you seem too good for this person.....You seem so smart and just..great..nobody in his right mind would leave you

[blender]

Nice post "catsmeow".. she has to stick by her words now, and go NO contact..period.

 

And she'll get the outcome she is hoping for, no matter if he replies or not, because she is now rediscovering HER SENSE OF SELF..and all good things will come from this.. it will be HIS loss, not hers..and in time once she grows past this 'percieved loss" she will be so proud of herself.. because if she stayed involved with him in anyway, she would lose a part of her precious self..and now that she is willing to be self respecting and let go..she will regain her sense of self, and this will prove to be the most empowering, attractive and healing thing... and soon a new healthy love will be drawn into her life, and she'll look back and think "I can't believe a shed a tear over that loser".

[Wotgorilla]

You did the right thing, way to go! Don't even THINK of second guessing what you did. You're taking care of yourself and that's the most important thing!

 

Well done!

[blender]

And P.S. the only "mistake" you could make would be to stay involved with him.. so be proud of yourself, any guy who would not respond with a respectful reply is NOT someone whom you should give your energy, or heart to... you're going to be just fine..even better... this is a big step towards great things...

[blueyes85]

I agree with everyone else. Your email was *perfect.* You were sweet yet firm. You stated exactly what you need and expect, and those needs are extremely reasonable. You are feeling used, because he has used you. Now you are ready to either move forward with him or move on without him, and you've told him so in a very cool, collected way. You do need to stick by your words and be prepared to let him go if he doesn't offer you what you need. Now is the time to focus on YOU and your happiness. He has been having his cake & eating it for the past six months while you have been getting the short end of the stick. No more!

 

Please keep us posted, I'm interested to see what he responds...

[sunflower_girl]

I haven't heard back from him...I guess that's a pretty clear hint. Now, upwards and onward!

[blender]

Remember you are not "waiting" you are "growing" and learning, and becoming more independent, that is what this time is for.. it's not energy towards him, but towards yourself instead... one day at a time, mark the calendar for each day, and be proud of yourself.. give it time... take care of your own heart for today.

[Sick]

I haven't heard back from him...I guess that's a pretty clear hint. Now, upwards and onward!

 

sunflower girl, your email was great but its only been one day and he may not want to respond immediately, wait a little longer before you assume that hes giving you a "hint" as to whether or not he still wants you. But the email you sent was very well written and detailed, it was quite perfect

[blender]

Yes, poster "sick" is quite right, give it some time, becuase he's most likely thinking that YOU will make some move again, and that you won't stand by what you said in the email..but he will soon discover (because you are NOT going to contact him) that he is WRONG about you and that now YOU really meant what you said, and you are no longer going to be an emotional doormat in his life, and he will also be forced to think that you could possibly be moving on...and the ONLY WAY you would really want him to contact you is IF or when he is ever ready to be a responsible, committed, loyal, loving person who knows how to cherish you the way you deserve.. so let go, keep focusing on your own life.. you're doing great.. stick with NO contact..it will empower you to stand by what you said in that email...so feel good about yourself.

[sunflower_girl]

He replied and I'm felling...weak. I won't contact him or anything life that, but I just feel SO stupid. I wasted 2 years on this guy who basically wanted all of the benifits of having a girlfriend withour putting the effort in. I'm glad I had the strenght to say goodbye. This is what he replied to my e-mail with:

 

"Its over then, if you can’t listen to me and believe me that you’re not just my “side girl” then it’s over. I wanted to keep it as friends because I can’t promise you the time that you deserve all the time. If you’re expecting that and I don’t deliver then you’re just going to be as hurt. I’m sorry that this is happening this way but if you won’t listen to me then it can’t be any different. I hope you do well in school and have fun, I’m done holding you back.

 

Love

XXXX"

[blender]

Well, well, look at him not wanting to be emotionally responsible, after all if you "just listen to HIM" and accpet the only the crumbs he gives you, YUK.... thank god you have now shown through no contact that your just to SELF RESPECTING AND CLASSY to keep taking crumbs..(also known as "let's be friends right now" = crumbs) and good for you.. he's so obviously clear that he can not be who you DESERVE.. so just don't think of these 'two years waisted" they have been a valuable investment in your own self discovery..

 

becuase you have learned, THANK GOD.. that you will not settle for crumbs because you offer and want the "whole cake".. a loving, loyal, commited, effort filled intentional love from a man.. and now you are free to get just that... and it starts with being so proud of yourself that you have finally broke the emotional habit/pattern he was becoming in your life... you are not going to ever waste another day on ANY man who does not know how to committ to you in a full and complete respectful way.. okay?

 

You can celebrate today your self respecting independence, and to remember that you have discovered that he is NOT THEE guy, but in fact you are "thee girl" for a better, more emotionally mature, committed, loyal and respectful guy who is waiting ahead in your future..

 

FATE has been nudging you for a long while now, your instincts knew that this wasn't a respectful loyal situation you had with him.. and finally you are listening to fate.. and new and wonderful things will now be attracted into your life.. this is a new beginning.. and you will some day have gratitude for having learned all this.. and the fact that you had the self respect and class to have sent him that email.. because his response is so classically passive aggressive and clearly shows that he is NOT willing to be a full complete loving man for a woman... lesson learned, you're moving on....

[sunflower_girl]

I’m sitting at my desk doing homework for my Environmental Law class, and I cannot concentrate. I feel so…let down. It’s like I want to scream out, “WHY DOESN’T HE WANT ME?!” If he had cared, if he had loved me a little more…he would have made it work.

 

Walking away (NC) breaks my heart, even though I know it’s the respectable thing to do.

[blender]

Take a deep breath, and know that you ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY GOING NO CONTACT.. it's not that he didn't care enough about 'you"..it's that HE is not emotionally ready to fully be loyal to ANY WOMAN... and please remember that staying invovled with him in a less than respectful way would only cause your heart more pain in the long run...

 

You do not want to allow yourself to stay stuck in an unheatlhy pattern where all HIS needs are met, and HIS ego is satisfied, yet he does not offer YOU the security, love, loyalty of a committed relationship.

 

Trust that if you kept in contact with him you would only be hurting yourself, he would always think of you as the girl who is "Just there" when HE needs an ego boost, or a sexual fix... and that is NOT who you want to be in ANY man's life.. no matter how many "crumbs' he may have tossed you about "being friends and seeing how it goes".. that's just an empty B.S. crapy icky not mature disrespectful situation for your precious heart..

 

so just remember that the way it was going was "no where"... occasional sex, no commitment, just friends.. ugh... well now let go, breathe, be proud of yourself, and feel good because now you can hold your head up high because you're CHOOSING to no longer be "that girl just there" and this might actually lead to him discovering that he does want to someday be THEE right kind of committed guy who is worthy of your heart..

 

right now he is just not willing or ready to step up to the plate in a respectful intentional way.. so HE loses.. and YOU regain your sense of self.. this will be a tough transition for you only because you are so used to "hoping, trying to convince or fix" and that was not something you could conitnue doing, it's not healthy, it's not mature, it's not attractive.. so let go and cry, laugh, smile, and you will grow way past this TEMPORARY heartache... he has NOTHING to offer you but more of the same confusing heartache in the long run. so now you are healing and letting go.. thank god for this.. because the alternative of staying in contact with a guy who does know how to cherish you the way you would him.. is not right for your heart... you're doing the right thing.. no contact allows you to heal and allows him to realize that you are NOT going to fall into the same useless pattern that is only good for HIS ego... all the while it hurts your heart...

 

You're starting a new wonderful chapter in your life and sometimes the only way to get there is through some temporary sadness that leads to healthy self discovery.. you are worthy of intentional loyal respectful love, and having no contact is a way you start to get it..for yourself..

[Addicus]

sunflower.....he took no responsibility in that email reply....he tried to spin it and put it all on you and your issue. Be brave. Really work on NC.....as they say you either cr*p or get off teh pot...he wants to have you there while he gets on with his life. WHo wants that. Empower yourself, learn to love yourself, heck have a relationship with yourself. YOu will be OK...find support in the threads and posts here!

 

Hang in there!

[sunflower_girl]

blender, thank you so much for all of your amazing advice. You've been a great help...I know it'll be hard but I KNOW that I'm strong and intelligent enough to get pass this. He was not a good guy; he USED me and it's time that I admit this to myself. We dated for more than a year and then broke up for six months. In that time I always thought that we were going to get back together. I fell for his crumbs.

 

I refuse to be used any longer! Why am I asking whether or not he wants me?! HE should be asking that--when a guy doesn't know a good thing if it smacks him in the face, he's not ready to be in a relationship. I'm a great catch. I'm attractive, smart, funny, talented...I have so many doors opening for me. I should enjoy life.

[blender]

blender, thank you so much for all of your amazing advice. You've been a great help...I know it'll be hard but I KNOW that I'm strong and intelligent enough to get pass this. He was not a good guy; he USED me and it's time that I admit this to myself. We dated for more than a year and then broke up for six months. In that time I always thought that we were going to get back together. I fell for his crumbs.

 

I refuse to be used any longer! Why am I asking whether or not he wants me?! HE should be asking that--when a guy doesn't know a good thing if it smacks him in the face, he's not ready to be in a relationship. I'm a great catch. I'm attractive, smart, funny, talented...I have so many doors opening for me. I should enjoy life.

 

there you go, now you are talking sense.. feelings and facts are usually so different when it comes to realizing who an ex really was in your life, and right now you are so wise and self respecting to be focusing on the FACTS about his behavior and what the "crumbs" really were..just crumbs..

 

I'm telling you the way you just wrote out what you are feeling and the FACTS about the relaitonship and what it really was is a HUGE sign that you are going to heal faster than you think..sure it will be an ebb and flow of your ego feeling a bit bruised because he is so LAME in his reply but that says so much more about who HE is, then it does about you.. so do not take anything he did "personally" because again the FACT is the positive things he did or said really didn't mean a whole lot..right? so why should any of the negative have any power where you are concerned..he's just not worthy of your precious energy or heart..

 

This is a brand new amazing start for you.. a girl who has learned that she will not settle for crumbs. who will only give her energy, mind, heart and body to a man who is intentionally in your life in a full, respectful and complete way, becuase a guy who is classy will be that way no matter what.. and this guy is who he is no matter who the girl is,, he's just immature, an opportunisti, a manipulator, who doesn't take an responsiblity emotionally.. YUK...good riddens.. you're on to a whole new bright future... yipppppeeeeeee

[Addicus]

Listen to Blender...very wise one!

[blueyes85]

"Its over then, if you can’t listen to me and believe me that you’re not just my “side girl” then it’s over. I wanted to keep it as friends because I can’t promise you the time that you deserve all the time. If you’re expecting that and I don’t deliver then you’re just going to be as hurt. I’m sorry that this is happening this way but if you won’t listen to me then it can’t be any different. I hope you do well in school and have fun, I’m done holding you back.

 

Love

XXXX"

 

Hahahahaha. I love how he totally tries to shift the blame onto you, as in "if you won't listen to me then it can't be any different." Listen to him and what, continue to be his plaything and nothing more? He can't take an ounce of responsibility. This reply just proves your assumptions were correct. He does not/cannot love you in the way you deserve to be loved, so go out there and find someone who can! Let this be the closure you needed. Now you are free to completely move forward.