Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 outside looking in you may see it as possessive/jealous or whatever...but when you are in that situation you are thankful that your SO is there with you... He says that to me... "thanks for saving me." Right on Green man. Link to comment
greenmonster Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 He says that to me... "thanks for saving me." Right on Green man. haha...see...heres a little secret... Greenmonster...the thing is...that my name actually comes from some jealously issues I was having in the past when I first found ENA...ya know, like the old saying "jealously is a green eyed monster"...there was a time when I was a jealous/protective/insecure person...walking in on your fiance having sex with someone will cause things like that... but instead of green-eyed-monster I just put greenmonster since I have blue eyes! lol...and when I found my avitar pic I couldn't believe it because it fits me very well.. while on the outside I can appear to be a big, hairy, scary monster(especially at that time in life)... inside you can see that the big monster has a HUGE heart...and just wants to give it away! Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 haha...see...heres a little secret... Greenmonster...the thing is...that my name actually comes from some jealously issues I was having in the past when I first found ENA...ya know, like the old saying "jealously is a green eyed monster"...there was a time when I was a jealous/protective/insecure person...walking in on your fiance having sex with someone will cause things like that... but instead of green-eyed-monster I just put greenmonster since I have blue eyes! lol...and when I found my avitar pic I couldn't believe it because it fits me very well.. while on the outside I can appear to be a big, hairy, scary monster(especially at that time in life)... inside you can see that the big monster has a HUGE heart...and just wants to give it away! ha ha ha... very cool. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 changed my pics to better reflect "who I am." lol Taken in Puerto Rico! Paradise! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 "its basically the same thing as why you would get help because you care about him...I care enough about my SO that I want people to know that I am with them...I care enough to give them the easy way out of a situation where I difuse the situation instead of there being any sort of awkwardness or anyone having to be rude about anything." To me that is not about "caring" (that is how it is sugarcoated) but it is controlling and it is a reflection of insecurity and not trusting your partner, IMHO. "if someone is hitting on my SO...and I can tell that she is just trying to find a way out without being rude or causing a scene then me stepping in and putting my arms around her just so that the other guy realizes that we are together and she is spoken for and I am right here and that he should just back off" I disagree with this approach unless your SO signals to you to help her. Otherwise, I think it shows respect and trust to let her handle it herself as long as there is no physical danger (and then the flirting part isn't the problem, it's the threat of physical harm) "if some girl is being flirty and skank-a-riffic on a guy and he isn't egging it on but just wishes she would go away but at the same time he doesn't want to cause a big scene or embarrass anyone by saying "go away lady, I have a girlfriend and I don't want you" when instead his girl can come over and give him a kiss and that sends out the exact same message without anyone having to be rude about anything." Yes and I agree with that as long as the other person asks for help. and trust me...there are plenty of times you can tell someone "your nice, but I have someone and I'm not interested" and they will keep at it... Yes that is true and I would keep my distance unless my help was asked for - and that's because I care about the health of our relationship more than I care about some silly person who is flirting with my SO. There's no danger in flirting whatsoever since I trust my SO. it annoys me - just like other things in life annoy me but for the benefit of the relationship and our trust and respect I fully trust that he will take care of it and vice versa. I certainly wouldn't want to drape myself all over him as a way to end it. And to me there is too much risk of not knowing where to draw the line - from the perspective of the outsider who interferes in the situation - I would be embarrassed if my SO interfered with harmless flirting especially if it was a potential business connection (which he might not know) as would he. It's a nice feeling to be able to trust your SO enough to know that if he/she isn't asking for your help in getting out of an awkward situation, that you can trust him/her to do what makes sense. I just spoke to one of my best guy friends who completely agreed with this. He's been married for 6 years and was a very active "dater" and had several serious relationships for the 8 years preceding that. But again if the couple gets off on seeing each other behave that way or it makes them feel cared for, sure, why not. I would also add that at some point, if you feel like you need to interfere and if that kind of thing tends to happen around lots of drunk people in clubs, you might reconsider why you need to be in environments like that, that often, if you have an SO. There are other places to go dancing that are not like that, for example. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 haha...see...heres a little secret... Greenmonster...the thing is...that my name actually comes from some jealously issues I was having in the past when I first found ENA...ya know, like the old saying "jealously is a green eyed monster"...there was a time when I was a jealous/protective/insecure person...walking in on your fiance having sex with someone will cause things like that... but instead of green-eyed-monster I just put greenmonster since I have blue eyes! lol...and when I found my avitar pic I couldn't believe it because it fits me very well.. while on the outside I can appear to be a big, hairy, scary monster(especially at that time in life)... inside you can see that the big monster has a HUGE heart...and just wants to give it away! Trust me on this - only men who are a bit on the clingy and jealous side enjoy their girlfriends interjecting with those jealous actions. Most men do not like it and it does give a very outward insecure look to observers. I don't advise it. I'd be embarrassed if my SO did that to me in public. I am more than capable of thwarting someone being too flirty and if i don't it is because I was not disliking it. That would be the ONLY reason i wouldn't stop it myself. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Hypothetically speaking Batya: So I am a woman of twenty-four years, size zero, 5'7", legs for days, great tan, great smile, long dark hair that cascades over my back and I will add another feature to this hypothetical... I have... D Breasts (hey it's my hypothetical) ha ha... Some intervention from God has caused you and your guy to go in a club. I am there~ wearing a mini skirt, stilettos and a cleavage tank top. You go to the bathroom~ now being a NON-BIAS person as you are... how would you honestly react: While you are gone I go up to your perfect guy and ask him if he knows what the ingredients are in a Long Island Iced Tea... he somehow does and I just am so ecstatic that I coyly rub his shoulder doting and saying how incredibly smart he is... not only attractive but smart as well!!! Wow I begin laughing and moving closer and closer (come on it's a small bar and I keep "bumping" into him with my chest Batya, I mean obviously it is not like- intentional) I ask him if he has a g/f, he says he does and then I put my little sour puss act on "she is so luuuuuuuucky that she gets to take you home every night. If you were mine I would ravage you until you couldn't see straight, and then~ yes honey, I would do it again! Do you like steamy wet showers???" Okay Batya at this point you are walking back from the bathroom and see my breasts against your guys shoulder (again, it's soooo crowded) Now what do you do? You stand there and continue to watch right? Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Trust me on this - only men who are a bit on the clingy and jealous side enjoy their girlfriends interjecting with those jealous actions. Based on all of your "advice," I never thought I would live to see the day that you call my boyfriend clingy... nice! ha ha. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 In answer to your hypothetical - my boyfriend would never be in that situation in the first place. As soon as a woman he did not know started speaking with him past a polite "do you know which way the bar is" or similar he would politely extricate himself from the conversation. It would never get to the shoulder rub part. I wouldn't date someone who would let the situation get to that point. (And I wouldn't allow that to happen in the reverse situation either). Fortunately, I date a guy who while not blind - obviously I am sure he notices when a woman is attractive - does not go for the type of woman you described, at all. He's a class act (meaning, a man of character and integrity) and that behavior would be a turn off. I was in a situation like that years ago. We were 24, my bf was extremely drunk. We were at a beach party. He was playing a drinking game (again!) so I wandered off. I started talking to a guy - not flirting. His girlfriend - who looked like the girl you described - appeared got upset and responded by flirting heavily with my bf once he was done with the game - kind of like you described. He was very drunk. She said she knew the host of the party (as he did) and said she wanted to tell him something privately. He was drunk and he went with her. I was very angry at him for being so drunk because we had discussed beforehand that he was drinking too much. Her boyfriend then tried to come on to me and I walked away. My bf came back about 15 minutes later and (yes I 100% believe him) told me that she had come on to him on the beach (big surprise) and tried to get him to stay by pretending to lose her shoe and by offering him pot. He left. My reaction - I am glad I trusted him and that I didn't run after him when he went out to the beach with her - in all it turned out much better for me -he was so apologetic about how he had put me in a harmful situation by leaving me and promised it would never happen again (which was true, it did not). My other reaction - I stopped dating men who got drunk such that they lost their judgment/common sense - not just in that situation but in any. Once in a couple of years - sure it happens - but going out drinking with the boys as a social activity with any regularity - not for me. Most of these situations would never happen in the first place without the SO being drunk. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 In answer to your hypothetical - my boyfriend would never be in that situation in the first place. As soon as a woman he did not know started speaking with him past a polite "do you know which way the bar is" or similar he would politely extricate himself from the conversation. It would never get to the shoulder rub part. I wouldn't date someone who would let the situation get to that point. (And I wouldn't allow that to happen in the reverse situation either). She simply asked if he knew the ingredients... pardon me... but I didn't read the rest of your post. I was looking for you hypothetical answer.... Guess I'm not gonna get it... Link to comment
greenmonster Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Batya...I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree on a lotta this becasue we are very different people. no problems in that for sure...the world would be a pretty awful place if everyone was the same! To me that is not about "caring" (that is how it is sugarcoated) but it is controlling and it is a reflection of insecurity and not trusting your partner, IMHO. see...again...you can call the caring part sugar coating if you want, but I know that I am a very secure individual who puts total faith into the girls I date. I disagree with this approach unless your SO signals to you to help her. Otherwise, I think it shows respect and trust to let her handle it herself as long as there is no physical danger (and then the flirting part isn't the problem, it's the threat of physical harm) it doesn't always boil down to physical harm as being the only bad thing that can result...a couple snyde remarks from some guy that gets turned down can end up having a negative affect on the whole evening! i mean lets think about it...and I'll put it into a case in point story...the girl I dated over the summer had shorter hair that she spiked up sometimes and did all kinds of wild stuff with it...her and I were at a karaoke bar one night with a friend of hers and this dude kept hitting on her...I saw this guy hitting on her up at the bar away from our table and really didn't think much of it so I walked off and talked with some friends of mine that had just showed up. well...my girl kept tryin to polietly turn this guy down and he wouldn't back off and she said "look...I'm here with someone...they are right over there...thats who these extra drinks are for...I'm not interested." and she walked off...she didn't see that I had left the table with just her friend sitting there and so when she walked over to a table with just another girl at it this guy from accross the bar yelled out "D!KE!" and him and a buncha his friends started yelling it out too...this really upset her and her friend and by the time I had came back to the table she was almost in tears because of these jerks... it totally ruined our night out...made her question her haircut and made her totally self conscious about it...embarrassed not only her but her friend as well...and made the whole evening a mess...yet...no physical harm happened... had I gone up to her and helped her with the drinks and ran a little interference on this guy it would have never happened....but since she was/is a strong minded and outspoken person she didn't ask for help nor did she need it actually...it was just the way things worked out. Yes and I agree with that as long as the other person asks for help. see above Yes that is true and I would keep my distance unless my help was asked for - and that's because I care about the health of our relationship more than I care about some silly person who is flirting with my SO. There's no danger in flirting whatsoever since I trust my SO. it annoys me - just like other things in life annoy me but for the benefit of the relationship and our trust and respect I fully trust that he will take care of it and vice versa. I certainly wouldn't want to drape myself all over him as a way to end it. "drape" is a big word...I mean...I'm talking about a simple hug and maybe a smooch on the cheek or somethin... I think you are taking natty and I's mentallity way out of focus here...we aren't talking like we have to come in and save the day everytime and protect whats ours by beating everyone else back with a stick....the reason we go to the bars with out SO's is to go with THEM and be with THEM and have fun with THEM...not to hit on other people or have other people hit on us...and if someone is going to hit on my SO all I am going to do is make my presense known, because frankly, I DO exist....and ignoring me is fricking rude. and I don't want to be around rude people. so by making my presense known...even without saying a word or making any kind of grand jesture it eleminates the chance of any annoying circumstances....this make sense? I don't want to be annoyed while I'm with my SO...and neither does she...some harmless flirting is fine and dandy...but thats why its called "harmless" the harmless kind of flirting will keep happening while I'm there...the kind of flirting that doesn't happen while I'm there is the kind that could fall into another box all together. And to me there is too much risk of not knowing where to draw the line - from the perspective of the outsider who interferes in the situation - I would be embarrassed if my SO interfered with harmless flirting especially if it was a potential business connection (which he might not know) as would he. It's a nice feeling to be able to trust your SO enough to know that if he/she isn't asking for your help in getting out of an awkward situation, that you can trust him/her to do what makes sense. the kind of flirting I'm talking about isn't used in proper business...unless your a prostitute I guess... my last 3 girlfriends have been waitresses at bars where guys hit on them constantly...and the harmless stuff I knew about and saw and let it pass right by...but the guys that started to get a little too comfortable with the harmless stuff moved into the unwelcome advances at which point in time my girl would usually come over to wherever I was if I was there and she was working and she would sit on my lap and give me a big ol kiss and then look back at the guy...I didn't even have to say anything or do anything...I was just a stage prop that she used to let the guy know that she had me and wasn't interested in him. I would also add that at some point, if you feel like you need to interfere and if that kind of thing tends to happen around lots of drunk people in clubs, you might reconsider why you need to be in environments like that, that often, if you have an SO. There are other places to go dancing that are not like that, for example. to this I would like to respond by asking why should I change my environment and what I like to do for fun becasue other people are jerks? isn't that basically saying that its an acceptable behavior to be a jerk? I'm not going to stop going to concerts, comedy clubs, karaoke bars, and other types of bars just because some drunken lonely dude hits on my girl...hell...how do you think I met most of my girlfriends? at one point I was a drunken lonely dude that hit on a girl!!! but I had the decientcy to recognize the situation and respect it if she had a man and I didn't cross any lines...there are other guys out there that don't realize theres a line and that they shouldn't cross it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 She simply asked if he knew the ingredients... pardon me... but I didn't read the rest of your post. I was looking for you hypothetical answer.... Guess I'm not gonna get it... This is the hypo you wrote (not the one you just wrote above) So I am a woman of twenty-four years, size zero, 5'7", legs for days, great tan, great smile, long dark hair that cascades over my back and I will add another feature to this hypothetical... I have... D Breasts (hey it's my hypothetical) ha ha... Some intervention from God has caused you and your guy to go in a club. I am there~ wearing a mini skirt, stilettos and a cleavage tank top. You go to the bathroom~ now being a NON-BIAS person as you are... how would you honestly react: While you are gone I go up to your perfect guy and ask him if he knows what the ingredients are in a Long Island Iced Tea... he somehow does and I just am so ecstatic that I coyly rub his shoulder doting and saying how incredibly smart he is... not only attractive but smart as well!!! Wow I begin laughing and moving closer and closer (come on it's a small bar and I keep "bumping" into him with my chest Batya, I mean obviously it is not like- intentional) I ask him if he has a g/f, he says he does and then I put my little sour puss act on "she is so luuuuuuuucky that she gets to take you home every night. If you were mine I would ravage you until you couldn't see straight, and then~ yes honey, I would do it again! Do you like steamy wet showers???" Okay Batya at this point you are walking back from the bathroom and see my breasts against your guys shoulder (again, it's soooo crowded) " So in answer to your hypo in your original post - once again, if I were in that situation and witnessed that I would not interfere. But, I would probably leave immediately (depending on how much of this I saw when I got out of the bathroom) and I would likely never see the guy in question again for letting things get that far in that situation unless we had a serious discussion about why it happened and what he was going to do to make sure it never happened again. If he did not think his behavior was inappropriate, we'd be finished. But no, I would not interfere - that would make me feel very pathetic. If I didn't leave (i.e. because when I came out it wasn't clear what was going on), I would wait for him to return to me (unless he asked for my help) and I would ask him about his behavior and see what he said. It would not be in my interest to interfere because I would want to see how far this was going to go before he stopped. Luckily as I wrote above the men I date would likely be repulsed by being hit on in that way -- it wouldn't matter what she looked like particularly if she behaved like a vacuous piece of lint. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 LOL. I can't answer the hypothetical because I can't relate to being in that situation. And if that situation hypothetically were to happen I would tell the gf that her problem was a lot larger than whether to interfere - she had better consider why things got as far as they did. And, no, your hypothetical didn't just include asking about the ingredients if you want to read what you wrote. Also it would depend on how she asked - her body language and her tone and manner - it depends on whether it is flirtatious or otherwise. Her body language Batya! you kidding! Her body language was being shoved (because again the place is crowded) against your guy's arm. ha ha ha Ok~ whatever. ha ha ha ha...........=D> Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 How far did he let it go? I intentionally made him not respond in any crude way~ he was simply answering the young lady's question. She asked if he had a girlfriend... and yuppers, he said he did. That's all he did. You would like to see how far your man would go? Now who has the trust issues? That is where you and I differ~ I jump in NOT because of what HE might do~ I jump in because SHE needs to back up...... Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 LOL - actually I edited my response. It sounds like you were trying to describe what you look like yes and hypothetically trying to get me nervous that the person in question was younger than me and more attractive than me? You're talking to the wrong lady, sorry - that doesn't make me nervous in the least. But you can read my edited post above. Keep the hypos going - they are entertaining in how much they reveal about your attitudes! Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 The answers are even better sweetie! Link to comment
greenmonster Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 some girls are very good at flirting and totally hide it from the guy they are flirting with...guys are pretty thick skulled and may not see things right away for what they are...outside looking in is much different that inside looking out...sometimes it takes me a long time to realize a girl is actually hitting on me as opposed to just being friendly...maybe I'm just an idiot... I dunno...I mean...when I actually go out and "hit on" girls...which I don't really "hit on" them by traditional means you could say...but I make people laugh...I talk to them...I find out about them...I ask questions and get to know them....and before you know it I have developed some trust with them and end up going out sometime... I don't walk up and just drop out lines...and then ask for their number...and smart girls that are after a guy do the same things I do but in different subtle ways...and then again there are also the girls like natty described that just take the blunt force object approach and think that all guys are lowlifes that would fall for some tramptastic thing and cheat on thier girl. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 No, what I meant was that if I was insecure about the situation my strategy in the hypo would be to hang back rather than interfere - both because that would confirm for me that I trusted him to extricate himself from the situation appropriately and see what he would do next. As far as him telling her he had a girlfriend that would be mostly irrelevant if in that situation he didn't also leave the situation given her vampy behavior. It sounds like you want to be "right" - but I don't care either way about right/wrong- I just gave my opinion. So, given that you can't accept that I just want to share my opinion I don't see the point to continuing this. It's fine if you want the last word and want to feel "right." It also sounds like you assume that your writing about the hypo is clear. It's not. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Yes - that is true. Fortunately I don't date "dense" men or men who would be interested in continuing to talk to a woman like Natty described. Subtle approach - again, I don't care what she does, I only care what he does. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 some girls are very good at flirting and totally hide it from the guy they are flirting with...guys are pretty thick skulled and may not see things right away for what they are...outside looking in is much different that inside looking out...sometimes it takes me a long time to realize a girl is actually hitting on me as opposed to just being friendly...maybe I'm just an idiot... and then again there are also the girls like natty described that just take the blunt force object approach and think that all guys are lowlifes that would fall for some tramptastic thing and cheat on thier girl. Agree with the first completely! Sometimes you guys are complete airheads... duh! she's not just being nice babe that's a girl with an agenda... The second one you described is what I run into. Maybe if these ladies went out a bit more they would say that the world has a changed... or maybe not! Maybe there has always been these flirty $lu!!y girls I speak of. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 How far did he let it go? I intentionally made him not respond in any crude way~ he was simply answering the young lady's question. She asked if he had a girlfriend... and yuppers, he said he did. That's all he did. You would like to see how far your man would go? Now who has the trust issues? That is where you and I differ~ I jump in NOT because of what HE might do~ I jump in because SHE needs to back up...... Ahh - I don't care what she does, only how he reacts to what she does. The women of the world can throw themselves at him for all I care - I only care that he reacts appropriately and I trust that he will. Life's too short for me to walk around taking that stuff personally or feeling personally disrespected by behavior like that. But, I do expect him to conduct himself appropriately and not flirt back and leave a situation that is crossing the line. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Anyhoo~ this is going on and on: for new comers to this thread~ this is ACTUALLY what was being addressed: Link to comment
greenmonster Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 I guess I don't understand why you would sit back and watch your boyfriend get hit on...aren't you at the bar to have fun with him and be with him? whats the point of watching some strumpet rub her cans on your man in a crowded joint? what if he just stands there...says nothing...but just lets her keep "bumping" into him with her sweater kittens while he ignores her and acts like nothings happening...you gonna allow that? I mean...c'mon... OH...and....It sounds like you were trying to describe what you look like yes and hypothetically trying to get me nervous that the person in question was younger than me and more attractive than me? You're talking to the wrong lady, sorry - that doesn't make me nervous in the least. there is ALWAYS someone better looking than you, me, her...everyone...and thats ALWAYS going to be the truth. Joe Dimaggio dumped Marilyn Monroe...someone will dump you too. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 Agree with the first completely! Sometimes you guys are complete airheads... duh! she's not just being nice babe that's a girl with an agenda... The second one you described is what I run into. Maybe if these ladies went out a bit more they would say that the world has a changed... or maybe not! Maybe there has always been these flirty $lu!!y girls I speak of. But a girl with an agenda will get nowhere unless the guy responds to the agenda or likes her agenda. And if she gets nowhere, no harm done. Often I see that women who respond to the girl with the agenda do so because it's easier than having to deal with the fact that there is a doubt in the woman's mind about whether her boyfriend is going to respond to the agenda. I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with that kind of doubt. It's the old "I trust you but I don't trust them" - that type of relationship is like the poster child for "unhealthy relationship". This sounds a lot like when Samantha on SATC finally broke up with Richard because she was exhausted trailing him all over the place to make sure he wasn't cheating on her again (even though he had promised he would stop) once she realized that the problem wasn't the women and their behavior but her lack of trust in him. That's what it all boils down to for me -if you're so concerned about the womens' agenda that's just masking the real concern - that he will respond. It's not about denseness either because if you trust someone and trust that they have your best interests at heart you wouldn't be worried about something he did because he was naive - that wouldn't be intentional so that wouldn't be cheating. The worry about "their agenda" and "his denseness" masks the real issue - lack of trust. It's normal to feel somewhat insecure but when you're interfering in those situations and pointing fingers at "those women" and insisting you're doing it with the excuses of "because you care" and "because he's dense" it starts to rise to an unhealthy level and a level that includes denial. It also tends to harm relationships with other women because of the negative mindset of "women can't be trusted around my bf" I didn't intend to phrase that as fact -just my opinion. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.