My relationship with my mother =(

[xika5]

I don’t have a very close, good relationship with my mom. She has a very strong nature, she’s loud, talks a lot and criticizes people a lot. She’s the total opposite of me. I’m quiet and reserved and always keep to myself. I guess that’s why we don’t get along, I just can’t talk to her about my stuff.

 

I don’t like the way she is…she hasn’t gone to school or work in more than 20 years (since she married my father-who recently passed away- she stop studying and working) and I believe that a person who doesn’t study or stimulate their mind in some way will become stagnant and they will become more…well…ignorant…and that’s how she’s become. I really don’t like her ideas, the way she thinks, and besides she is very antiquated, although I guess it is not her fault…it’s just due to the place she grew up in and the way she was educated. She’s very close-minded. I can’t make her change, she’s too old to change, but I honestly can’t live with her.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I love her and she cares for me, but I just can’t stand the way she is with me sometimes. Besides these things I’ve mentioned, she’s also overly protective of me, she treats me as though I was a 14 year-old girl and I’m already 20. She won’t let me go out late and she mistrusts me, although she has no reason to. And I’m not an only child. I’m a very tranquil, responsible person but I guess it’s because I never tell her anything that she can’t trust me. I want to be able to tell her things, but she has never really talked to me, we’ve never had a normal mother-to-daughter conversation. I think it’s hard for her to talk and open up to me, as it is for me. Also, I’m kind of scared of her. I’ve always been a very sensitive person who cares about what other people think of me, and criticism could really make me feel bad, so I always try to be good and try not to get my mom upset. I guess in other cases some daughters may become rebellious, but not me…I really hate getting her upset.

 

Because of the way she is, I never had a boyfriend and when I did go out with guys it was always kept a secret from her. Anyway, I recently met a wonderful guy whom I’ve been going out with for about a month. Normally I wouldn’t introduce any guys I go out with to her…I’d just do it without her knowing, but this guy is special and it’s becoming more serious, but I’m scared of introducing him to my mom. I’m kind of scared because this guy is from Colombia and she always stereotypes. She knows I’ve been going out with him lately, and she’ll say things like “don’t get involved because those Colombians are all the same…” and she goes on to describe them very negatively. And before she even saw him she was already describing how he might physically look (and it wasn’t a very attractive description) because she thinks they are all the same, she also mentioned he looks kind of old and that he looks like one of those painters that go and paint houses. My god. It’s so annoying! I can’t believe how ignorant she is sometimes. Anyway, I don’t know, I guess I just needed to vent and maybe get some advice and ideas on how to try to get along better with her and how to introduce my bf to her. I just know she is going to freak if she finds out I have a boyfriend.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As you get older, you will become more self-confident and will be able to stand up to your mother better. I think it will also help if you move out on your own. Your dating life is your business and if she doesn't approve that is her problem. If she goes on a rant, just tell her firmly that it is your life and you are happy with your choice of a boyfriend and that you are sorry she doesn't approve of him as you hoped that they would be able to get to know each other better. As for how to introduce them, well, I gather she already saw a picture of him (hence her criticism), why not suggest that the three of you go for dinner?

 

Over time you will accept your mother's failings and you will just live your life for yourself, loving your mother but knowing her limitations. It will eventually slide off your back as you realize that this is just who she is.

[ilovepoemsalot]

I think the best thing to do is to move out.

 

My mums sort of the same, and I should have moved out myself a long time ago, but I just never had any confidence. Now I do have the confidence to do so, but I need to try and get my life together first.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Agreed on the need to move out. You're twenty, and it's time to spread your own wings without the overbearing influence of your mother.

[xika5]

Thanks so far for the advice. I've also been thinking about moving out, I just need to build up more confidence. Besides, I still very much depend on her for everything, and I guess I haven't been willing to sacrifice some of the things she gives me and go live by myself. She's spoiled me a lot and that might make it difficult for me at first, but I guess you'll eventually get used to it, besides like Alea said, I'm already 20 and it's about time I move out. I just have to build up a bit more confidence and courage. I remember once I mentioned to her about moving somewhere else by myself and she kind of laughed and told me she couldn't imagine me living by myself...that totally discouraged me and made me feel bad. She's kind of right, I really can't cook and do my own laundry yet...and I tell her I will learn but she still has no confidence in me!

My bf is a great guy, I'm not very worried because he is such a sweet and polite person and she will like that, but I know she will disapprove because he is a bit older and he may not be as "attractive" as she might want for me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is no mystery to doing laundry...just throw the detergent in the washing machine, throw your clothes in, turn on the machine and let it go. Then when done, pull it out and put them in the dryer (unless the item might shrink in the dryer). Cooking...just buy yourself a cookbook.

[Aleadragonhawk]

The key to learning new things (other than heart surgery and skydiving) is to not be afraid to screw up.