When you have no choice but to move on...

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi Everyone --

 

Usually I just respond to others' posts, but I today I decided to start my own thread. I'm exhausted, having slept for only one hour last night, so I don't feel like recounting every detail, but here's the gist of it:

 

Yesterday, my "ex" (I say "ex" in quotes because we only really dated for a few months, then he spent the last half of last year sending mixed signals while I hung on to hope that we would be together again) announced to me, very pseudo-casually, that his previous ex wants him back, and he is taking her back. This is a woman who he has been going back and forth with for OVER A DECADE, and apparently she has dumped him and wanted him back before, more than once. When I started dating him, he still wasn't over her, and we stopped seeing each other because he claimed he was not ready for a relationship because he had too many residual "issues" related to her that he hadn't gotten past. A few months later, though, he started pursuing me again, and for the last 6 months of last year, it was a bonafide rollercoaster, with him controlling the ride and me clinging on for dear life, even though I KNEW I should stop the ride and get off. The "last straw" was -- or should have been -- him asking me to go away for a weekend with him, and then cancelling on me less than 48 hours after I had made the reservations, after he had insisted on me making reservations and the damn weekend was ENTIRELY HIS IDEA. I was distraught, but I STILL hung on to hope that he would realize what he could have with me and want to be with me...

 

Until yesterday. All my hope is now gone. He'd been acting a bit weird, and I just KNEW he was going to tell me he was with someone else, and I had a feeling it was his ex. He has simply never gotten over her, and I realize now that he probably never intended to. While he claimed he was trying to heal and move on, he was really just waiting for her to come back. I can't get the thought out of my head that all I was to him was someone to have some fun with to distract him from his pain -- that I was just a bandaid for his wounds, and that he was simply biding his time with me in the hopes that she would return to him. And she did.

 

One thing that puzzles me and causes me tremendous pain is this: He was SO broken up over this woman for SO long; he admits she "burned" him more than once, and he even said yesterday that, "I'm not sure what I'm thinking," and "Yeah, I'm probably crazy to let her in again, " and "It remains to be seen whether she will burn me again." He KNOWS that it's risky, and after what he's gone through for over TEN YEARS he is STILL taking her back! WHY????? Can someone explain this to me? Is she that spectacular that he would pass up an attractive, intelligent, kindhearted, gentle, loving, funny woman (me) who has never "burned" him and who thinks he is wonderful and cares deeply for him? What is so great about her? He hasn't even been with her in a long time -- I think it's been about two years, or close to it -- and he STILL hasn't gotten over her! I just think back to last summer when he admitted to me that he was really *screwed up* still -- I should have run away like lightning when we would talk and he would tell me he was distraught over her, drinking to dull the pain, when he would make nasty generalizations about women and relationships, when he would go on and on about how "stuck" he was. The thing is, he never got "unstuck" -- he never let himself move on, and now she's back, and everything is *great*, but what if she'd never come back? Would he have waited forever? Would he have remained "stuck" forever?

 

I feel so totally lost. I am having all of the predictable feelings -- loss, disappointment, anger, sadness; I'm feeling (even though I know I shouldn't) that somehow I'm not "good enough" -- because for crying out loud, how can he pass on me for a woman who has destroyed him time and time again? I feel sick when I think of how I clung to all the tiny scraps he flung at me, always hoping, even when it seemed a long shot, that he would want to be with me again once he got past his "issues." I don't even KNOW the woman, have never met her, and I'm comparing myself to her -- thinking how she must be so much *better* than me because he *chose* her in spite of all of the drama between them (or maybe because of it -- I don't know). I am angry at myself for not letting go a LONG time ago, no matter how hard it would have been to do so. I am REALLY angry at him for stringing me along. Though I acknowledge my blame in this --- I could've put a stop to it long ago -- he KNEW my feelings for him, and he continued to pursue me and give me hope when he should have just left me alone. And, I am distraught at the thought that while I sit here, puffy-eyed, sleepless, not able to eat, he is happy that he has his *precious ex* back, and I fear that I will never be able to find anyone else. I know that it isn't true, but it's what I feel right now, and it's magnified by the fact that he has someone and I don't.

 

I feel so lost. I am usually such a together, emotionally stable person, and I have been an absolute wreck since yesterday. I have barely eaten, I slept ONE hour last night, and I have been crying off and on for most of the last 24 hours. The kicker is that I WORK with this guy -- and, as I've mentioned in the past, quitting my job is not even remotely an option. I saw him today, in fact, and asked him if we could finish the conversation we started yesterday, because it was left hanging. We won't see each other again till next week, but he said we could talk over lunch next week. It will not be a "closure" conversation -- I know that closure comes from within -- but the conversation was left totally unfinished, and since we have to continue to work together, I need to finish it.

 

Anyway, all, thanks for reading. I hope this all made sense. I guess the title of my post says it all...I have no choice but to move on. In a way, this is a blessing, becuase I was still hanging on long after I should have let go, and this forces me to let go, finally.

[Dominic_M]

Very painfull, I know. But knowing that it is finally time to move, is very liberating.

 

We can both be at peace now, knowing that there is no reason to hold on anymore.

 

Good luck on your healing.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you so much, Dominic, for your speedy and kind response.

 

I have read your story as well, and though I've never commented on it (perhaps because I see some painful similarities), I wish you the best as you embark on your healing process.

[NorthDallas40]

Browneyedgirl - I think the answer to the question of why is he still obsessing about his ex can be found in your feelings toward HIM. You only dated for a few months, only to have 6 months of a noncommittal rollercoaster ride, yet you still have strong feelings for him anyway, and until now would have taken him back in a heartbeat, knowing full well how shaky the ground was!

 

Now don't take that as me pointing fingers... I'm still not over my ex and if we don't get back together, when I start dating again every other girl is going to be compared to her. And if they're not what I want, then my ex will easily be able to steal me back any time she pleases. Pathetic, but that's how it goes.

 

But kudos for you in moving on! Hopefully I'll be there someday!

[samantha20]

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in what you're going through. My ex and I were in a secret gay relationship for the past 2 years, with her terrified of people finding out. Then a guy from work tells her that he likes her, and she breaks up with me but says he had nothing to do with it. She then spent weeks trying to decide whether she wanted me back or wanted to be with him, and when she finally decided she wanted me back, I put aside the fact that she had treated me so badly and got back with her.

 

I then went home for the xmas holidays, and during that time she was very distant. I finally confronted her about the fact that she was being distant on new year's eve and she said that she didn't feel the same about me anymore and broke up with me. Days later I found out that she was going out with this guy. I still don't know whether she cheated on me when she was still with me over xmas, but she claims that they didn't get together until after we broke up. She also says that she didn't break up with me for him, and that it was because she didn't have feelings for me anymore.

 

I know exactly how you feel about your ex choosing somebody else over you. it makes you think 'whats so good about them?' The guy that my ex is with, is a huge, bald, muscley, slightly overweight, security guard who seems quite boring and un educated. It makes me feel so bad that she chose that over me. She says that she's happy to have 'normality' now, to have someone she can introduce to her mum and be open about. It really hurts, because it seems to me that him being a man gave him the advantage because she was so desperate for 'normality.' If she is attracted to the fact that he is a big, strong man, i can never compete with that as I am a petite, 5'3 female and 6 years younger than her. I am the complete opposite of this guy and can never compete with the fact that she wants to have a normal relationship with a man. I just don't understand why she got back with me the first time..

 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel about your ex's new partner making you feel inferior. In the same way that you feel like your ex was just using you to pass time until his ex wanted him back, I now feel like my ex was using me to pass time until she found a man she could settle down with. She took 2 precious years of uni life away from me, and then dumped me for 'normality.' I let myself become isolated from other students for a relationship with the manager of the night club I worked in. And all I was was something to pass the time until she found a man. She said that she loved me, but I can't help wondering if she ever saw a future with me.

 

all I can say is I feel for you and I know exactly what you're going through right now...

[CareBear53187]

the irony of your story is that so many of the people on this website are probably people like your exboyfriend...... "just cant let her go" blah blah blah.....can't you just see the thread post? "two years later..." when you think about in those terms, sympathize with this man, and ask yourself: what would you advise him if you knew nothing about him and he posted on this site? you would tell him to run like hell. just feel good that his stringing you along didn't last longer, take pity on him, and when she breaks his heart, be gladthat you are no longer a part of that situation.

[lost1234]

Same situation here. It's amazing how often this happens. And that we'd take them back in a heartbeat. I guess when we make that special connection with a person, it's just so hard to get over.

[traeh]

browneyedgirl36,

 

The first thing that clearly stands out after having read your post is that it's HIS loss entirely, and not yours. He may not realize it yet, but somewhere down the line, the odds of it finally occurring to him are likely, and by that time, you'll be long gone and already onto bigger and better things.

 

It sounds to me like you had this extremely idealized vision of who this person was and put him on an unmerited extremely lofty pedestal. Even though he demonstrated to you time and time again how indecisive and insensitive (towards your feelings) he was, you chose to either ignore it, or hope that it would get better. Honey I've been there and it isn't pretty. You deny yourself the hard cold truth, and then you eventually get burned.. but there were so many red flags that foreshadowed the inevitable! It's like your heart takes over any sense of rationality. You refuse to let go, even though you sense something is wrong.

 

The fact that he cancelled on the vacation after you'd gone out of your way to make reservations was extremely inconsiderate of him, and SHOULD have been the last straw. That is, if there were all those other signs that he wasn't as INTO the relatioship as you were. The fact that he admitted to you and demonstrated that he wasn't over his ex, should have been reason enough to leave, which you said. He obviously still carried a torch for her, but maybe you WANTED it to work between you and him so much that you chose to ignore his attitude/behavior/etc. I know how easy it is to beat yourself about NOT leaving when you should have! Not heeding to the flashing signs when you could have! Shoulda, woulda, coulda.. it's over now. You have to realize that this moron taught you a lesson about life. The lesson: You deserve better. You are smart, intelligent, funny, and compassionate and deserve someone who will value those beautiful qualities!

 

Can't you see that he made a HUGE mistake? You said it yourself..."Why would he choose to be with someone that he has so many unresolved issues/irreconcilable differences with, when you care about him and you have no history of serious issues?" Don't you know that the problems they had are BOUND to resurface. They don't just disappear. It's only a matter of time. I mean, there always is the possibility that these two are "soul mates" and will indeed work through their differences and develop a great relationship. I'm just saying that the odds are not in their favor.

 

What you need to realize is that there is someone spectacular out there for you, and it's not this guy that played you and tossed you aside. The fact that he strung you along, knowing that he wasn't fully over his ex, shows how selfish he is. You're worth SO MUCH MORE THAN that.

 

Try not to be so tough on yourself. Obviously you cared about him deeply so this is going to hurt. However, you'll rise above it, don't you worry. --hugs--

[browneyedgirl36]

Hi AussieJohn -- Thanks so much for your post; it was good to get a perspective from someone who is on my ex's end of things. It really helped me toward understanding him a little better.

 

I applaud you for finally cutting loose your ex and moving on with someone really special.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thank you, Samantha, for your kind and helpful response. I know exactly how you feel, and while I am mad at myself for not walking away from this situation when I should have, I believe he bears a lot of responsibility too. He persisted in pursuing me even though he knew he really wanted to be with someone else, and I responded to his pursuit because I cared so much for him.

 

But, at least this forces me to put this situation behind me, because I know now I can't do anything about it.

 

Thanks again! Hang in there!

[LE DHUY NHUT]

I agree with what a lot of posters say and I sympathize having gone through a lot of it last year.I know you hurt like hell but don't give in to temptation to hate him or wish him hell like what some people here suggest.Why did he choose her?....it's simple really because he loves her...in spite of everything and how wonderful you are we can't help who we love.I would suggest that when you get over this and are ready to date again to be careful of people with 'baggage'.Go NC As far as is possible in work and start the healing now....wish him well because you love him.

[browneyedgirl36]

Browneyedgirl - I think the answer to the question of why is he still obsessing about his ex can be found in your feelings toward HIM. You only dated for a few months, only to have 6 months of a noncommittal rollercoaster ride, yet you still have strong feelings for him anyway, and until now would have taken him back in a heartbeat, knowing full well how shaky the ground was!

 

Now don't take that as me pointing fingers... I'm still not over my ex and if we don't get back together, when I start dating again every other girl is going to be compared to her. And if they're not what I want, then my ex will easily be able to steal me back any time she pleases. Pathetic, but that's how it goes.

 

But kudos for you in moving on! Hopefully I'll be there someday!

 

Thanks, North Dallas, for your helpful response. You're right -- I kind of did the same thing my ex did -- hung onto hope - and yes, at one point, I would've taken him back in a second.

 

The big difference between me and him, though, is that I won't date other people while I'm still pining around and waiting for him, because I won't be waiting for him anymore, like he apparently was for his ex. I am giving up, as of yesterday, on ever having anything with him. He didn't do this with his ex, even when she told him she did NOT want him and she was involved with other people. He still carried a torch, and he got involved with me KNOWING that if she ever came back, he'd drop me. In his defense, he probably didn't think she'd come back anytime soon, but I know he hoped for it.

 

Anyway, thanks again for your perspective. You've been very helpful!

[browneyedgirl36]

the irony of your story is that so many of the people on this website are probably people like your exboyfriend...... "just cant let her go" blah blah blah.....can't you just see the thread post? "two years later..." when you think about in those terms, sympathize with this man, and ask yourself: what would you advise him if you knew nothing about him and he posted on this site? you would tell him to run like hell. just feel good that his stringing you along didn't last longer, take pity on him, and when she breaks his heart, be gladthat you are no longer a part of that situation.

 

Good points, Care Bear. If he came on this site and posted his story and I didn't know him, I would absolutely tell him to "run like hell" and not take the ex back.

 

I have a feeling she WILL dump him again, maybe not right away, but at some point. I'll probably never know about it if it happens, though.

 

Thanks for your response!

[LE DHUY NHUT]

It's wrong to string people along.But in reality a lot of people do just that. We have to SEE that when people are hung up on somebody else WE RUN...they should get over it first ...before hurting innocent people.

[rapunzel]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low browneyedgirl. As we've discussed in PM's, our situations are very similar. Same length of relationship, I work with my ex too, and similar mixed signals post break up. I was also supposed to go on a vacation (or half of it) with my ex and he dumped me prior to said vacation. Yes, the one that HE invited ME on.

 

This guy sounds really selfish and confused and even though it is hard to believe right now, in the long run you are soooo much better off without him. It's not like he's a kid and is trying to figure himself out. He is a bona fide adult and if he doesn't have his sh*t together at his age, then he probably never will.

 

I know how hard it is to NOT do this but try not to compare yourself to his ex. For whatever reasons that have NOTHING TO DO with you, he's hopelessly entangled up with her. Chances are she will dump him again and he'll continue in his vicious cycle. Think about how wonderful YOU are and celebrate your own unique qualities. I find that doing positive affirmations in the mirror and writing them in a journal helps. Yoga and meditation also help.

 

Now that you have closure and once you get over the shock of it all, you will eventually feel better. Try to be nice to yourself and practice gratitude for the good things that you already have in your life. Try to think of this as a blessing - a lesson. And when one door closes, another door opens.

 

It will be a challenge continuing to work with him but over time it will all work out. It just will. Have faith in the knowledge that this too shall pass.

 

You will meet someone else. We all will. It may not happen in our desired time frame but we have to stay positive and patient. Once you meet the great guy that you are supposed to be with, your memories of this guy and this past year will fade. You'll look back and think "what the hell was that about? What was I thinking?" It will mean nothing to you then but you will recognize how much you have learned and deepened from the experience. You'll be a much stronger, happier person.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much, Traeh, for this very kind and helpful post. It's all very insightful, and the part I bolded is SO accurate. I have been beating myself up so much over this, and I know I'm just human. I DID put him up on a HUGE pedestal, though, one he didn't deserve to be on, for sure.

 

I admit, I've been torturing myself with the idea that maybe they ARE *soulmates* and that this time it will work with them, but then again, unless they've both changed significantly and resolved their issues, the same stuff is going to get in the way again. I know it shouldn't matter to me whether or not they end up together; all that matters is that he and I will never be together again, and I need to focus on that and let go.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words, especially about me finding someone else. At 37, I'm finding it hard to be optimistic, particularly since I've had great difficulty finding men I can really connect with, and I feel like the older I get, the harder it will be. I will try to remain hopeful, though.

 

Thanks again!

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree with what a lot of posters say and I sympathize having gone through a lot of it last year.I know you hurt like hell but don't give in to temptation to hate him or wish him hell like what some people here suggest.Why did he choose her?....it's simple really because he loves her...in spite of everything and how wonderful you are we can't help who we love.I would suggest that when you get over this and are ready to date again to be careful of people with 'baggage'.Go NC As far as is possible in work and start the healing now....wish him well because you love him.

 

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response.

 

You're right, hating him or wishing him ill is not the answer, and I won't do it. I can't. Something I've realized in the last two days: I DO love him, and how I know I do is that, no matter how awful I feel right now, I still want him to be happy.

 

I can't say that part of me doesn't wish things won't work out between them -- not because I hope he'll come running back to me, but because I wish he'd realize once and for all that to keep going back to a person who has hurt him for so long (more than 10 years) is harmful to his well-being. But, I guess if he hasn't realized it by now, he probably won't, even if she leaves him again. If that happens, he'll continue to carry a torch for her, and he'll be even more distraught and disillusioned than he was before.

[browneyedgirl36]

It's wrong to string people along.But in reality a lot of people do just that. We have to SEE that when people are hung up on somebody else WE RUN...they should get over it first ...before hurting innocent people.

 

Yes, we should run if we see that someone we're dating is not over someone else. I think this is part of what I've been so hard on myself about. On our first date I got the inkling that someone had hurt him really badly, but at first I thought it was his ex wife, because I knew he was divorced. He talked about having been "burned" before -- on our first date. That should have been a huge red flag, but I ignored it, and I ignored many, many subsequent ones. I saw them, recognized them, but my as my feelings for him grew, I kept pushing the red flags aside, clinging to the romantic notion that if he could just see how great of a person I am, he'd forget all about his past hurt and want to move forward with me.

 

I agree, too that people REALLY need to get over past relationships -- at least to the point where they're not still carrying a torch for the other person - before they begin dating again. There's too much of a danger of stringing people along otherwise, and that's exactly what happened to me. He even said to me that a friend of his told him it was too soon for him to be dating -- that he wasn't *ready.* He KNEW he wasn't ready, but he did it anyway, and now, here I am.

 

I know one thing: I will not be getting seriously involved with anyone else until I know for sure that I'd never take him back, even if he came back tomorrow and begged. I don't know how long that will be.

[Dominic_M]

because I wish he'd realize once and for all that to keep going back to a person who has hurt him for so long (more than 10 years) is harmful to his well-being. But, I guess if he hasn't realized it by now, he probably won't, even if she leaves him again. If that happens, he'll continue to carry a torch for her, and he'll be even more distraught and disillusioned than he was before.

 

This statement right here solidifies your resolve to finally put this behind you.

 

The heart gets in the way of logical thought and red flags about someone. Its when we can put the heart aside and really realize those red flags and logic that we can finally move on.

 

Logic tells you that he lost a great thing in you for carrying the torch for her. Your logic tells you that he will never fully be over his ex no matter what she does to him.

 

Now that logic stands out, far more then your feelings for him. You cant deny that logic, now for yourself, you must embrace it.

 

Finally coming to terms with the facts is the precipice of moving on, acceptance is one of many stages in the healing process. I am glad for you that you have reached this point.

 

Stay strong, and remember, he lost you! Not the other way around.

 

Good luck.

[KAT MOMMY]

I think that he is really weak, inconsistent, and above all vey unstable. You don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. You felll in love with him but he has been untrue and that is not your fault but his so just take it as a lesson learned and next him honey=is isn't worth it

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much, rapunzel! I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner; I didn't see all of the replies to my thread.

 

You're right about seeing this as a "blessing." I was just saying to my mom the other day that I know this HAD to happen, and even though it feels like it's killing me, it was the ONLY way I was going to give up on him and start to move on, becuase I wasn't doing it on my own. I kept telling myself I needed to get off the rollercoaster, but I simply couldn't take that last step of letting go and saying, "I'm done. If you don't want a relationship with me, leave me alone." I have dreaded this day -- when I found out that he'd found someone else OR that he'd gotten back with his ex -- but knowing, even though I am completely gutted right now, is better than not knowing, because there is absolutely NOTHING I can do now. I have no choice. Of course, I wish it could have happened in a different way -- that I could have mustered the strength to walk away from the situation with dignity and hope, to have actually CHOSEN to walk away and followed through with it -- but, after months of back and forth with him, I was still clinging to the idea that someday, if I was just patient enough, we'd be together, so I needed this slap in the face, however painful, to knock my to my senses.

 

I love him, but he has so many issues, and her coming back to him is NOT going to fix those. I truly believe that he has been waiting for her to come back all this time, and that, if she hadn't come back, he'd STILL be waiting, stringing me (or some other unfortunatel woman) along, keeping me as a sort of a band-aid for his emotional wounds while he continued to pine away for her. If she hadn't come back, I doubt he'd ever have been able to be in a real relationship with anyone again. He even told me that he wasn't sure he was capable of it anymore, that he didn't think he could ever fall in love or be part of a "couple" again. Funny, how now that she's back, he CAN.

 

I worry for him, that he is headed down a path to far more profound pain than he has ever felt before. Perhaps she has *finally* gotten her stuff together and realizes she wants to be with him, but it's far more likely she has come back to him out of habit, or perhaps because she has been dumped and she knows he will always take her back, as he has proven time and again that he will. And, I know that people often mistake *drama* for *passion*, telling themselves that all of the turmoil and pain means that they really *love* the other person, that they are *meant to be* when in fact all it means is that they thrive on drama. I guess it doesn't matter -- it's not my business -- but I know that, unless BOTH of them have made significant changes, things are going to go the same way again, and it will only be worse for him if it happens.

 

Thanks so much for your advice and support. I know I need to focus on ME, and I want to very badly, but right now I have no energy, I'm on the couch in my pajamas, with a muddled brain and eyes puffy from crying, trying to figure out what my next move is going to be. I have a feeling that, for the next couple of days, I won't do a lot of moving. Whatever I do, it's going to be small. I guess I have to start somewhere. Tomorrow I will try to get myself to the gym, and I will be seeing a friend this weekend. That's a start.

 

I hope you are doing well, and again, thank you for your help. There are some really wonderful people here!

[browneyedgirl36]

Oh, Dominic, thank you SO much for this! I just read it, and it made me cry, but in a good way! Having read your story, I know you know what you're talking about.

 

You are so right -- I have been pushing logic aside and only focusing on feelings -- the feeling that I'm somehow not *good enough* because he *chose* her over me, the feeling that I will never find anyone I care about as much as him, the feeling that he was the *one* for me and there won't be anyone else; If I use my brain -- my logic -- I KNOW those things aren't true!

 

And, thank you for saying that he lost me, not the other way around. You have no idea how much it helped me to read that.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think that he is really weak, inconsistent, and above all vey unstable. You don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. You felll in love with him but he has been untrue and that is not your fault but his so just take it as a lesson learned and next him honey=is isn't worth it

 

Thanks, KAT. You're right, I've learned a HUGE lesson here.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that the best lessons -- the things we most need to learn -- are the most painful ones, that the best thing is almost never the easiest one.

 

You're right, it isn't worth it. As for "nexting" him, that's going to be a struggle for me. I have trouble meeting men to begin with, and the ones I meet that I really connect with are few and far between, so I am having trouble being able to see myself finding someone else. I know that if I think I won't, then I won't, so I have to stay positive. It's just hard, and even more so right now.

 

Thanks for your response!

[Clabs]

Hey browneyedgirl

 

I am so sorry that this has happened and I know you must be hurting so much right now.

 

This has nothing to do with any weakness on your part and everything tlo do with his weakness. There has to be something seriously wrong with this guy to keep on going back to someone who has treated him so poorly.

 

You sound like a wonderful, caring and loving lady and when this guy gets dumped again, he will will be kicking his own backside that he let someone so wonderful slip away.

 

Take things real slow for now - sit in your jimjams all day if you need to. But try to not look into the future - try to not worry about never finding love again at this stage. We all go through that emotion - because we just look at all the negatives and run with them - if they didn't want us, there must be something wrong with us, musn't there. We must be faulty or substandard! Of course this is all a load of old twaddle - it never enter our silly heads that the problem might be the other person - and of course, in your case - this is true.

 

You have a very healthy attitude to this - to not mess around with other people whilst your brain is a mush. Get YOU back first. Make time for you and above all, be kind to you.

 

As you say - he has kind of made this easy for you because he has told you what he wants to do - it leaves no doubt in your mind. I say easy but perhaps easier is a better choice of words!

 

I hope you start feeling a bit better about this soon.

 

Mark

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks so much, Mark! I have read a lot of your posts, and you are always so helpful and make so much sense.

 

Thank you for what you said about not looking too far into the future. I know I need to follow that advice. It is hard not to worry about not finding anyone else -- and I think that feeling is intensified by the fact that he now has someone else. I've caught myself saying, "Wow, he's totally screwed up and HE has someone, and I don't," but the truth is, he only has someone because she chose to pop back into his life at this moment. Otherwise, he'd still be pining away for her. I guess it doesn't matter, though. I know it's not my business, and I need to let it go.

 

Well, I'm still in my pajamas, still on the couch, but I do plan to at least get a shower today and maybe call a friend or two. That should be a very very small step in the right direction.

 

Thanks again!