Is there anyone on this forum...

[robert7x]

... who is actually happy now and in a relationship after going thru a break-up they thought they would never get over it?

 

The reason i'm asking this, obviously, is because i'm having one of those bad days today... Maybe it's because she emailed me yesterday, or maybe it's because i just think i'll never get over her (yes i know, stupid thoughts).

She is a beautifull girl... Drop dead gorgeous that i think was out of my league... She's like one of those Trophy wives that are all about looks, fashion etc... I'm more laid back, not a party guy, wanting to settle etc.

 

There were some things that bugged me the way she was but just being with her made no difference. My friend told me that she wasn't for me... She's too wild for me but i didn't believe it... I just thought to myself "look at her, She's with me now and i don't care what everyone else says". My other friend, (girl) told me this after she left me, that she knew she was going to break my heart... She just had that "look" in her that the only thing on her mind is sex and how to mess with people. I didn't see it... I was in love.

 

I'm really worried that.. that was once in a lifetime opportunity to have a girl like that and now it's gone... She left for another guy, moved to another country to be with him and our dreams and plans are all shot to hell. It's just all screwed up... My head, my heart, my life... everything.

 

So i just need to hear some stories or support or whatever, about if you went thru something like this and recoved... found maybe better girl/guy and are happy now.

 

Thanks.

 

P.S. She left Christmas Eve... Got 2 emails from her since.. only replied once.. All emails were bunch of lies, nothing about us. I'm around 20 days NC.

[SapphireNoir10]

I was with this guy for a while. He was my first proper relationship and my first everything. And he broke up with me after we had sex for the first time. He has loads of problems like self harming and it was an intense relationship. I never thought id get over the hurt or betrayal. Once I asked for my stuff back and he said "Would you like you innocence back too?".

 

About a month after him (I Know its very quick) I started talking to someone else and a few months after I was seeing him and then we starting going out. It's been a year now and I wouldnt change anything. Me adn my fiance have our problems but were generalyl very happy and he's never hurt me the way my ex did. Going through hurt means you learn and you dont make the same naive mistakes again.

 

You'll meet someone new and wonderful and you'll be able to look back and just see it as experience.

[Dako]

I went through a difficult divorce after a long marriage and just wanted to never wake up in the morning. I did the usual self-help things and made a point of chatting with women. It was like watching paint dry to make small talk, and some of the women my age could only drone on about the evil ex-husband or worthless son-in-law. Just shoot me, please.

 

Out of nowhere, I met someone who stole my heart. Our relationship is unique in many ways, but she's a treasure.

[shes2smart]

... who is actually happy now and in a relationship after going thru a break-up they thought they would never get over it?

 

Yes. Several people, but I can only speak for myself.

 

June 2001, caught my then bf cheating on me. We had been together for about 2 years, lived together for about half that time. Had talked about getting married, which, at that point in my life I was ready to do. I was devastated.

 

Went into some intensive therapy with counselor I had seen on & off for years.

 

Late August 2001, started chatting with a guy online. Long story short, I've been married to that guy I started chatting with online for the last 5.5 years. This relationship is everything my previous ones weren't and couldn't be. Even the ones I thought were "great" and even with exes I thought I'd "never" get over....or wouldn't find someone "better" or all the same things you are telling yourself now.

 

It gets better if you let time do its magic. Counseling can help speed up the process some, so that's an option, too.

[teknoise]

... who is actually happy now and in a relationship after going thru a break-up they thought they would never get over it?

 

 

* * * * ya!!

 

I was married to a woman who was super sexy and who was all about fashion and looking good. Though in my case dressing fashionably myself, and partying are important!

 

Anyway, when that marriage bombed I had a very hard time getting over her and figured it would be difficult if not impossible to move on in my life.

 

 

Well... 14 months later I fell in love with a new girl who has a far more attractive personality, and well... even better looks and fashion than my ex wife. Basically, an all round better deal!

 

So, dude, don't worry, all you have to do is just let time heal this wound and once you are good and ready to move on you'll find someone better.

[arwen]

To answer your question: DEFINITELY.

 

When my first bf and I broke up (for the first time, the second and the final third) I thought I would NEVER get over him, let alone find someone that would make me feel the way he did. I got over him, and found someone who made me feel 100 times better.

 

Take your time to heal, it's normal to go through different stages and feel like it will never end. But most people do move on after a while and even realize- like I did- that the break up was probably for the best.

 

I hope you will feel better soon. Stick to NC, I'd say. Has helped me lots in the past!

 

Arwen

[Jeffster]

Hi Robert,

 

Yes, there is hope after this kind of thing happens...

 

I was (and sort of, still am) in the exact same situation as you. I was dating this drop dead gorgeous babe who everyone told me was not for me, she's gunna break your heart, etc. I basically heard all the same stuff you did and more. And I am basically a laid back type of guy, not really a party monster, etc. I kind of knew all along that I was in over my head, but that didn't stop me from trying, and trying ang trying some more. I too feel like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity that slipped away. After going out with her for 18 months she dumped me flat for no reason and refused to talk to me. I then went for about 6 months without hearing a word from her and finally after 14 months I got back together with her for around 3 months until the same thing happened again and she dumped me all over again. That was in November and I haven't talked to her since. Needless to say, I was devestated both times. I had no idea how bad losing someone like her could hurt!

 

Meanwhile, I'm now in a relationship with a new gal who is more my type, but it's kinda boring and I still miss the excitement of dating my ex and the way she made me feel. However, I have gotten to the point where I have accepted the fact that it's over with her and that it will never happen for us. I've deleted all her voicemails, pictures, Myspace page, email addresses, etc, etc. I've totally given up on her ever contacting me or ever seeing her again. I try not to think about her and everytime I do I catch myself and think about something else. All this has helped a lot, and now I'm pretty much back to my usual chipper self, but I still have dreams (nightmares?) about her sometimes. It gets better and better with each day that passes and I figure in a couple of years I'll have completely forgotten the whole deal. All this feels pretty liberating compared to moping around the house waiting for something to happen. Plus, I figure now I'm a lot smarter about this sort of thing and that if it ever happens again, I'll be much better equiped to handle it.

 

So what Have I learned that you can apply to your situation. Number one is move on as quickly as possible! Even if you don't feel like it, get out and start meeting new people. This is the quickest possible way to get over someone. Believe me, if you meet someone new that makes your heart flutter, you won't spend hardly any time at all pining over the ex. Next, accept that fact that it's over. Delete, put away and just plain get rid of all traces of her that you have. Totally forget about contacting her. It won't work! Also, try to spend as little time as possible thinking about her/obsessing. This only makes it worse. She's not going to call and say she loves you and wants to work it out, so don't expect her to. Simply, move on with your life and stay busy! Don't give her the satisfaction of you acting like a heart broken loser. This will only ruin your self respect and make her think she made the right move by dumping you! Get on with your life no matter how hard it is to do that. Meet other women and get out and mingle! Show her what you're really made of.

 

And next time you meet someone, don't ignore the red flags that pop up! If you're really into a gal and she keeps blowing you off or acting flaky, don't ignore it and do not allow yourself to fall for her. If all your friends are telling you she's not right for you, believe them 'cause they're usually right. No one can break your heart without your permission. Don't allow yourself to fall for the wrong person again.

 

I could practically write a book about this subject, but these are some of the things that have worked for me and I wish you the best of luck as well, my friend.

[MissIndigo]

I was dumped by someone who preferred to look for love elsewhere early last year, rather than try to go the distance with me. He did this with no warning and with no regard to how I felt. I was devestated, and on top of that, had to come to terms with needing to leave a job and with some health problems of a parent. It was a lot to bear at one time.

 

Last summer though, I moved to a new, large city, new job better suited for me, and was surrounded by more like-minded people. It was an important step in my healing since I began to create a completely new life for myself that I liked, and after a while, I gradually began to feel like I could love again. How? I fell back in love with myself, and what I had created in this new place.

 

I met a new person by chance and we have been dating now for a few months. We are taking it slow, but we much enjoy the time we have together.

 

When you find this love for yourself, it is easier to recognize love around you, and a new, better person can be near.

[robert7x]

* * * * ya!!

 

I was married to a woman who was super sexy and who was all about fashion and looking good. Though in my case dressing fashionably myself, and partying are important!

 

Anyway, when that marriage bombed I had a very hard time getting over her and figured it would be difficult if not impossible to move on in my life.

 

 

Well... 14 months later I fell in love with a new girl who has a far more attractive personality, and well... even better looks and fashion than my ex wife. Basically, an all round better deal!

 

So, dude, don't worry, all you have to do is just let time heal this wound and once you are good and ready to move on you'll find someone better.

 

 

That's awsome... Good for you bud... I envy you on that

Reading these kind of stories really makes my day...

 

Thanks to all of you... Keep them coming if you have more

[farfrmnormal]

Robert:

 

I am curious about your situation – perhaps you could answer a couple questions for me to help me better understand.

 

How long was this relationship?

 

Have you been in a long-term relationship before?

 

How old was she?

 

I have a story to tell – your answers may help me better convey it to you.

[robert7x]

Thanks a lot for sharing your story... I'm sorry you're going thru this... Like you said our stories are so similar in so many ways it just shows me that i'm definetelly not alone on this one. I ignored all the red flags i've seen because i was in love i guess. But, what's done is done... I need to keep going forward and really look forward to the day when i do find someone that's better then her.

 

Thanks again bud.

[robert7x]

Robert:

 

I am curious about your situation – perhaps you could answer a couple questions for me to help me better understand.

 

How long was this relationship?

 

Have you been in a long-term relationship before?

 

How old was she?

 

I have a story to tell – your answers may help me better convey it to you.

 

 

The relationship was 8-9 months... I think i was a rebound guy to her... That's the only explanation i can see, since everything was moving too darn quick.

 

I've been in a long term relationship for 6 years before her..

 

She is 23 I'm 25.... we have same b-day on the same day only different years.

 

Thanks

[farfrmnormal]

Robert:

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Your answers have definitely helped me gain some perspective and allowed me to get an idea of how to word my response.

 

You stated that you had been in a 6 year relationship before this one – how did you get through that breakup? Or were you the dumper in that situation?

 

Given that she has moved on so quickly from you it did not surprise me in the least that you were a rebound guy for her. It sounds like most of her relationships are of such - taking off to a different country with this guy and unfortunately you. The one thing that lacks for rebound qualities though is your relationship lasted much longer than rebounds do. Most only last a few months, but in the sense, if you are entering a relationship with someone who has not fully healed it could still be classed as a rebound.

 

Now on to my story.

 

Some may not understand it – but it’s the truth.

 

My 4 yr relationship crumbled to the ground in September of last year. It came as a total shock to me. I was definitely not prepared. My whole world stopped. I missed a week of work, I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t stop attempting to contact him and get him to change his mind. I was a complete mess for about a month. I sought professional help – and went through 10 agonizing therapy sessions to get to the root of my problems. As each session passed I felt myself becoming stronger and stronger. At the end of October I decided I needed to get myself out there and meet new people. I posted a profile on a dating site – not to date, just to meet people (they do have that option on many sites). I browsed the site for weeks, reading profiles, sending simple messages back and forth etc. Finally, I got the nerve to meet a couple of the guys off of the site. The first guy, great looking – no personality. Second guy, not so great looking but we seemed to have a lot in common. I continued to spend time with the guy I had a lot in common with. We watched football games, had dinner together, and watched a couple movies. He then told me he had an interest in me as more than a friend. Given that my last relationship had failed (I learned from my mistakes in the last one and realized what needed to be changed) I thought that perhaps (even though there was no “spark” there) that something could come from this. Two days before Christmas, we started dating – we made it official. I was exclusive to him and removed my profile from the dating site.

 

The main thing I was proud of before I started dating him was that I was happy. With or without him I was happy with myself, my life and who I had become.

 

Now, I am still happy with myself, who I have become, BUT I have realized that this person who was so good for me on paper is not the one for me. I’m glad I have my past to look back on and to help me. It was the one thing that helped me realize that this relationship is in fact not for me.

 

So I suppose the moral of the story is – you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else. Until you have this, no, you won’t be happy.

 

On a side note – Myself am not a “glamour” girl who is concerned with fashion or makeup. I do however; maintain a high standard of personality. A girl can look great on the outside, but be a drag on the inside. I care about what I look like with regards to dress – but personally I care more about the imprint I leave on peoples lives rather than the clothes I wear.

[robert7x]

Interesting Story... I've heard the phrase about being happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else... I'm really trying to do that, but for some unknown reason to me... I don't know how to do it... I feel like i need to be in a relationship to actually be happy... I don't remember either being single and happy... That's another problem.

 

The 6 year relationship was pretty much hell for me... The girl was all screwed up and cheated on me couple of times... Then when i break up with her, she ends up in a hospital and idiot as i am i take her back... Luckily she moved to another country as her parents made her (another weird thing, she was 23 and was afraid of her parents) and that was the end of that... It was another december... It didn't take long for me to get over that relationship because that one was over like a year before she even left... i was just with her for her, not for myself... When she left i was relieved that it was finnaly over. Then I was single for about 4-5 months and then found the current Ex.

 

As far as my ex and the whole fashion thing... She was all about her looks and stuff. I mean there are things that pissed me off so many times about the way she acted but love makes you go thru stuff... I mean how can a person care only about the way she looks and our apartment looked like a bomb fell in there... I'm a neat guy and i like stuff organized and nice... her on the other hand, she has her clothes all over the place... Never makes the bed, Leave's food on the table, dishes are piling it's unbelivable... When i walk in the bedroom it's like a maze trying to get to bed... I clean up after myself always and all my stuff was organized... but i guess her stuff never bothered her the way it was. She won't even go with me to Grocery store unless she's dressed up nice...

 

There were times i didn't want to go back to apartment because i can't look at all the crap all over the place. I told her many times to clean her stuff or put it where it belong or whatever, and she would just say "you're such neat freak, i'm getting agravated". I refused to move her stuff or clean it up after her because she'll never learn if i do it... I would actually have to buy her something special so that she would clean the damn apartment. It's unbelivable.

 

Thinking about all this stuff, really makes me see that she and i weren't compatible at all, but my heart right now is not listening to my brain and the common sense...

[Darkness_Falls]

You are going to be fine Look at all these positive stories. I know how you are feeling and it's as if you feel you are never going to go on to another successful relationship where you feel happy. You will

 

I had a bf for 3.5 years, we were best friends and lovers. I thought we were perfect, so did he. Little did we know our relationship was dwindling into a friendship. So we mutually ended it. I rebounded badly and after that relationship I broke down completely, couldn't believe it was over and I could no longer see a happy future. I used to think about the wedding photos we would have had in the future had we got married, and now we wouldn't be in them together. I was a mess. But we got each other through it and we are still best friends. And it just makes so much more sense now.

 

I didn't think I would ever connect with someone like that again. I went into another bad relationship, broke up with him and then 1 month later I met a great guy. We have a connection which isn't only friendship, we make each other laugh too and have a passionate sex life which is different to anything I have ever had before. It's been 5 months so far

 

You are going to be just fine and will find a girl who makes you happy sometime, enjoy your life just now before that happens and learn to love who you are. Take this time to pursue some dreams of yours, it can easier to do this when single because you are unattached and have more freedom. Spend some more time with friends as well, reconnect with them and learn to see that it isn't always a relationship that makes you happy

[farfrmnormal]

One thing that got me through it was thinking about all of the things that irritated me about him. You mentioned a few of them in my posting above. I do know what you mean about your brain saying one thing and your heart saying another – but trust me, eventually, your heart will coincide with your head and things will start to fall into place. Again, I know it’s hard to think that it will happen, but it will. The days will eventually pass by faster, and you will feel like your entire life is flashing before your eyes – you will wonder where the time has gone.

 

My ex and I have not seen one another since October, and have not spoken since the beginning of November. It seems like forever ago and that so much has gone on since then. A lot has gone on that’s the catch. It was a long time ago. Through it all I have become who I am today and I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for it.

 

Don’t get me wrong – he still creeps into my thoughts every now and then and my anger wants to over come me. But, staying strong and respecting yourself is the most important thing right now. Just think how it would make you look/feel if you were the one to make contact. That is what I think about each time I have had the urge to call or see him. The urges will wain and eventually become a thing you wanted to do in the past. Time is all you have to heal wounds like that.

[robert7x]

Thanks to both of you for great support and sharing your stories... It gives guys like me hope and strength to live another day.

 

Robert