what guys care about

[watupgangsta]

I have been single for quite some time now and I made an observation about a lot of the relationships of my friends and acquantences. It seems that guys don't really value qualities in women that I do. It seems that guys want a girl who they can "keep under control" so to speak. Its like they need to feel validated, and in order for that to happen, the girl needs to be under them. I, for one, want to be challenged. I want to be intellectually engaged, I want a girl who is going to blow me away and impress me. Why do you guys think it is that men seem to have to do all of the impressing, or am I just wrong about my observation?

[blueyes85]

I think that younger guys tend to want control more than older ones; that has been my experience. As men grow up and become more secure in their own skin, they start to want more of a challenge, more of a level playing field. I think as MOST men mature they mature they value partnership more than control. Thank God!

 

Of course there are exceptions, which is why we have such a problem with domestic abuse in this country. Some men are always after control no matter how old they get.

[wayoverit]

All guys want control, mature or not. While mature men tend to feel more secure with their relationships, they also want to take charge, because not doing so will give the impression of a p**sywhipped guy or a loser. I understand it if you want an intelligent woman (one who's controllable) versus an airhead.

[ftheunion]

Attachment and fear of loss. But they don't realize that they can't control the universe, so what is cannot be what is in their dreams. Not exactly. You have to go with opportunities, and let go if they do.

 

Be ready to step out of the picture when it is time. This is a gentleman.

 

I for one value the body. Its evolutionary stuff. Personality is another. They usually compliment each other. One who doesnt take for granted is one who can appreciate her.

[LostNLuv]

First off I'd like to know what qualities in a girl you value. This better helps me answer your question.

 

More generically however, your observation is flawed in one major way. You fail to take the girl's perspective into consideration. What may appear to be a relationship where the guy is controlling and keeping his girlfriend "under him" to you may be exactly how the girl expects that guy to act. Or...more realistically, may be exactly how that girl and guy were culturally pre-programmed to act.

 

In a male dominated culture such as latinos or asians, young men and women are taught their gender specific roles and expectations from a very young age. Even in today's modern world. Although the teachings get more and more watered down through the generations.

 

It may seem abusive to you as an outsider because maybe you were not raised that way.

 

Most likely however, it has to do with your age group. Despite the title of "adult" your peer group is still woefully underdeveloped when it comes to relationships and expressing yourselves. Why?

 

Because all guys your age have ZERO clue how to treat a woman period. And in that same respect, those same guys have ZERO clue how they themselves would like a girl to treat them. And...saddly...most of them drive themselves completely crazy trying to figure out a girl in the first place!! Because that girl doesn't even know how she wants to be treated. It's the blind leading the blind out there until you're at least 25. Then...suddenly...you start to be able to decipher "woman" into "English."

 

All young girls want a bad boy who's going to be rude and crude and make them feel naughty. It's not until they hit 30 and are looking at the next 40 years alone that they suddenly start looking for the "nice guy" who's going to take care of them.

 

Luckily though, the only way to figure out this game is to play it. I'm sure once you get out there and start actively dating you'll find that your expectations will change and evolve with your experiences. The more women you date, the more you'll be able to see for yourself that you want a girl to be like "This" but not like "that."

 

The trick is to date as many women as you can so that you can gather as many experiences as you can.

 

Through this, you will be able to sort out the girls with the characteristics you don't like from the ones you do. And you continue to narrow it down until you find the one that drives you the least crazy. And she's the one you keep.

 

You'll never prove your theory right or wrong without experimentation and practical application.

[greensleeves]

You are generalizing far too much in your post. The OP has stated quite clearly that he doesn't share these views and clearly knows what he is looking for in a woman. To say that all guys his age have zero clue how to treat a woman and that all young girls want a boy who is rude and crude and make them feel naughty is in my opinion ridiculous and misogynistic. Give your head a shake.

 

Edit: Also want to add that I find your comment about Latinos and Asians extremely offensive. How can you possibly know how each individual parent teaches their children and what values and morals they choose to live by.

[CrazyKing]

I have been single for quite some time now and I made an observation about a lot of the relationships of my friends and acquantences. It seems that guys don't really value qualities in women that I do. It seems that guys want a girl who they can "keep under control" so to speak. Its like they need to feel validated, and in order for that to happen, the girl needs to be under them. I, for one, want to be challenged. I want to be intellectually engaged, I want a girl who is going to blow me away and impress me. Why do you guys think it is that men seem to have to do all of the impressing, or am I just wrong about my observation?

Most girls I know will only kindly let the guy feel that he's controling her... Actually she has always control over him!!!

[greensleeves]

I have been single for quite some time now and I made an observation about a lot of the relationships of my friends and acquantences. It seems that guys don't really value qualities in women that I do. It seems that guys want a girl who they can "keep under control" so to speak. Its like they need to feel validated, and in order for that to happen, the girl needs to be under them. I, for one, want to be challenged. I want to be intellectually engaged, I want a girl who is going to blow me away and impress me. Why do you guys think it is that men seem to have to do all of the impressing, or am I just wrong about my observation?

 

You are definitely on the right track in what you're looking for in a woman. The guys you're talking about might not "get it" yet and maybe never will. But when you find what you're looking for (and you will) you can be sure that you'll have a much more fullfilling, loving and mature relationship than you would if you sought out someone that you could keep under control. And no, not all men think that way...there are way too many smart women out there to put up with it.

[ProtestTheHero]

@OP

 

That's certainly admirable and will undoubtedly score you brownie points in this progessive world we live in. I myself had that same view. After dating someone like that, I think I'd much prefer airheads. I wasn't "challenged" per se, I was just fought tooth and nail over every issue big and small. "Challenging" often is a positive word that in reality only means "stubborn," and I find girls close to our age confuse the two more often than not. There are exceptions, but I don't feel like spending hours finding her.

 

My ex was the type of girl where if you'd hold the door open for her she'd take offense. An hour later she'd complain about lack of intimacy or told me I wasn't trying hard enough. I broke up with her and it was one of the happier moments of my life.

 

Unfortunately it's incredibly difficult to find an independent, "challenging" woman who can balance those qualities with the things we value from them (affection, intimacy, mutual understanding of one another). From my experience it just turns into a power struggle and both people hate each other in the end. It was definitely a waste of time.

[ghost69]

i don't want control. i want a girl that is her own person. we can do our own thing and not get upset at each other. i have never tried to control a girl. but i think a lot of girls are attracted to me because they can't run me.

[watupgangsta]

i think greensleeves got my point, while others of you missed my original point. of course i expect respect from any girl i'm with and you can't let anyone, male or female, walk all over you. what i'm saying is, when we are looking for someone we want to date, why is it that men don't seem to value a girl because shes smart and strong too? it seems all we men want is someone who is going to make it easy for us to feel strong, even if really we're weak.

[ghost69]

i love smart and strong women. it's what i'm attracted to the most. i don't want some girl that i can walk all over and will be clingy to me cause i'm wearing the pants all the time.

[greensleeves]

i love smart and strong women. it's what i'm attracted to the most. i don't want some girl that i can walk all over and will be clingy to me cause i'm wearing the pants all the time.

 

THANKYOU Ghost69 for saying this. It proves the point that I was trying to make earlier in this thread that it doesn't make any sense to generalize what someone, male or female, is thinking or feeling based on their gender, age or culture. If anything, it has to do with intelligence and having a strong sense of who you are and what you want in life. . You and watup are both good examples of this...smart women will sense it and be attracted to you for it.

[LostNLuv]

Greensleeves,

 

My response to his post was as generic as I could make it since I have no clue what the values he admires in women are. As I stated in my opening sentence, if I knew the values he admired, I could've spoken more specifically to them.

 

As for your being offended by my broad generalization about Latinos and Asians, I suggest you check up on your Cultural Anthropology before slamming me for using those two HISTORICALLY MALE DOMINATED cultures as a point of referrence.

 

Again...I'm not going to offer advice on specifics if none are given.

 

The entire point of my response was meant to be generic and broad.

[ghost69]

but there are a lot of girls that are book smart with not 'street sense' and are very insecure with themselves. even though they say 'guys don't want me cause i'm so strong.' actually those girls aren't that strong.

[greensleeves]

LostNLuv,

I don't need to "check up on Cultural Anthropoloy" to know that I have several Asian friends and acquaintances, both male and female, who were not brought up being taught gender specific roles, nor are those that are now parents currently bringing up their own children in a similar fashion.

 

If your intention was broad generalization, then perhaps you should avoid using terms such as "all guys your age", "all young girls" or precede it with "in my opinion". When you are making such a demeaning, derogatory and insulting statment such as "All young girls want a bad boy who's going to be rude and crude and make them feel naughty. It's not until they hit 30 and are looking at the next 40 years alone that they suddenly start looking for the "nice guy" who's going to take care of them.", you will run the risk of being offensive.

 

Incidentally, this is 2008 and woman have their own careers and financial options. They no longer "need someone to take care of them". IMO that is tantamount to stating that all men are looking for wives as they need someone to bear their children to work the farm.

 

I stand by my post and am not going to enter into further debate with you. The goal of this forum is to try to ensure that the OP receives the best advice possible. I agree to disagree with you.

[greensleeves]

but there are a lot of girls that are book smart with not 'street sense' and are very insecure with themselves. even though they say 'guys don't want me cause i'm so strong.' actually those girls aren't that strong.

 

You make a good point. Being smart in this context doesn't only apply to book smarts or having a high IQ. I think it does also apply to street sense as well as self respect and having the strength to know what you want from a relationship (or life in general) and not settling for less. This is true for both men and women. That's why it's great to see that the OP knows what he's looking for in a girlfriend and isn't willing to compromise.

[EQD]

i love smart and strong women. it's what i'm attracted to the most. i don't want some girl that i can walk all over and will be clingy to me cause i'm wearing the pants all the time.

 

would you liken the girl you described to a.. lets say.. a sock that has just come out of the dryer???

[ghost69]

would you liken the girl you described to a.. lets say.. a sock that has just come out of the dryer???

 

no i said i don't want the cling to the pants. lol

[EQD]

no i said i don't want the cling to the pants. lol

 

yes.. so you agree that these women you don't want would be in likeness to a fuzzy clean sock that is fresh from the dryer.. right?

I want the truth! lol

[ghost69]

yes.. so you agree that these women you don't want would be in likeness to a fuzzy clean sock that is fresh from the dryer.. right?

I want the truth! lol

 

i'm not sure on the direct correlation. but i don't want the cling. i'll even put a dryer sheet to stop that from happening. it's just something i do not go for.

[Belgian girl]

Interesting thread. As being a woman, my opinion about it is I can like something dominating in a boy. I think it can support the feeling of safety I can find in a man. I think the most ideal situation (for me) would be the one where both persons have a lot to add to each other, like they both remark different things while being in a same situation and see each other's needs. I also like being able to be dominating myself, pergaps b/c of my personality (like to be alone a lot, doing things my own way and I think I'm having some quite strict values and I love to put effort in people I really care for).

I see nothing interesting in a girl who follows up someone else's thoughts either. In my opinion there's nothing attractive about then and I expect it would bore me b/c I think everyone can use some feed-back now and then and creating that much security won't be good too, I think.

[EQD]

i'm not sure on the direct correlation. but i don't want the cling. i'll even put a dryer sheet to stop that from happening. it's just something i do not go for.

 

LOL.. thats what i wanted to hear.

[stranded247]

I think its good that you look for girls who are intellectually challenging. I dont think watupgansta meant challenging in a negative way but challenging as in she will be just as clever, just as interesting and impressive yes? Not one of those "look at me i'm so tough and self-righteous I have to give my pushy opinion every five seconds". It is possible for women to be smart and strong without coming accross as stubborn and pushy. I find that women who are smart and strong dont tend to advertise it but are modest about it and by being like that they give the impression that they really are smart and strong in the actual sense.

[ghost69]

right stranded. strong as in she does her own thing, doesn't need the reassurance from the man to continue with the relationship. a woman that knows who she is and is comfortable with herself.