how to forgive cheating and forget about his plan

[so374]

My situation is kind of hard and different I met my husband in high school 15 years ago we had a very good time together and we have been married for 7 years, we have 2 beautiful boys. We came to America for education for our master’s and PhD’s…

After finishing my master I stayed home to take care of our kids so my husband can work full time and finish his PhD without any interruption. I took care of everything in my house from house work to kids to groceries to shopping for the family even for him to oil change and inspections of our cars… to the point that last year he had to drive our son to school one time at the end of the school year he was asking me for the direction and the other mom’s in school were joking and calling me “single mom” because my husband’s work require 30% of travel but he was a hard worker and he was travelling 75% he was in the U.S.A with us for about 10 days a month the rest of it he was either in Europe or north Africa “working”.

Anyways July 2007 we went overseas for a vacation to visit our families , I lost my phone and he gave me 2 of his cells to choose one and as I was going through each menu I found 2 SMS’s that he was sending to girl form which I could understand that he was having an affair … I felt paralyzed I didn’t know what to do especially that he was traveling the next day and I was going to be stuck in my parents house for a month, so I confronted him, he said” It was only by phone and only when I am overseas I just met her in May in the airport in Amsterdam and I am really sorry and this will never happen again” I started looking into his sim cards I found an SMS on his Egyptian cell dated December 06 …. He said “I didn’t want to hurt you more that’s why I lied and said May but it was in the airport as I told”.

I couldn’t do much during that moth as I said because I wasn’t home but suspected more because I sent 2 SMS’s to the girl and called her Tania to make it easier but she never responded to me and few day days later changed her phone number. Since august 07 I started digging behind him and on the past year I found that he met her in hotel in Egypt December 06 after that he traveled to see her twice a month I asked for his bills from every hotel he has been to and thanks god he was using credit cards so I could get hotel names and go online and look for their phone numbers to ask them for a duplicate of his bills… of course they were all with taxes for 2 people and breakfasts for 2… I showed him that I said just admit what you did if you are really sorry I will forgive you because he said I “I swear it was business man who came to have breakfast with me and in the hotel when they see 2 breakfasts they automatically charge me double taxes). Of course I didn’t believe him and I needed more evidence to hear him admitting what he did and so I can ask for divorce without loosing everything because I already lost 15 years I lost the future we were planning for and beside that everything is on his name even my car because I trusted him I loved him I left my family my friends my life in my country to be with him.

I was very lucky because I found a name on his blackberry I looked on the internet and it was a hotel in Switzerland they faxed me two bills this time one his name and one with a name of Tania I didn’t know why so called the hotel and they told me that he booked a room on her name but asked for the bill to be faxed to him to another hotel in France even though he wasn’t with her that time.

That’s how I got her name address in another world all what I need so I hired a private detective in her country in Europe and got everything I was hoping for the girl was 26 years old single with a 4 year old child with a prostitution past I got 3 phone numbers a photo …. And I got all of this information the day he was coming back from overseas so it was perfect timing to confront him but he called to tell me about an unplanned trip to Egypt I knew that minute for sure that he was still with her, but I still called my detective to be 100%sure.

Leaving him was always my last option I don’t know if it was because I loved him so much or because I wasn’t ready to start my life without him and to raise a 5 and 2 years old on my own. Anyways after 10 days my detective sent me the results and it was very painful yes he was in Egypt with her having a good time on my birthday while I was home alone going crazy crying feeling betrayed not wanted …………………………I felt that he want to convince him self that he prefer her and show me that so I decide to go but I couldn’t because he started crying and he said he loves me and he cannot live without me and the kids and he needed my help but still didn’t want to admit what he did till. I stayed and I still don’t know why??

I saw something on his pubic area and found out later that she gave him an STD. Now he admits what he did. And guess what after a while I sent a message to his mistress offering money in exchange of his emails I got a positive response back from her and then when I told her that I have a detective that speaks her language she broke down she told me every detail I want of the * * * * that my husband was telling her (he told her that he loves her and he is just waiting for the green card to divorce me, he told her that he has only one kid and that we don’t sleep together…..)

she told me everything just to protect her relationship with a man that she has been living with for 10 years and who‘s the father of her child but apparently he doesn’t know anything about her “ job” and because my husband sent her an email telling her that she passed him an STD I guess she was afraid of him so she didn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Here’s the whole story I stayed I am not punishing him in any way I am the same with him but still can’t forgive 1% of what he did and still feel very angry because I think that the only way to forget and move on is by leaving him but if I punish him that way I’ll punish my kids first and I saw how my older one was suffering during the whole time, please if anybody had a similar experience let me know what should I do or how to forgive how not to believe that he was really going ask for the divorce after we get the green card….. What to do so I won’t see what he did to me when I look at him

[maxo]

There is no forgiveness here.

 

He is slime and he put your life at risk.

 

Bye to him and hello to court ordered child support checks with a garnish on his wages.

[Fruitfull1]

WOW! I really think that you deserve MUCH BETTER than what he is giving you. I think your kids will suffer much more because they see that you are unhappy not to mention that their father is never around. He basically left you to do everything on your own anyway. You said he is always traveling right? Well now it's his turn to step up and be a man. Let him take care of his children for awhile and you go and find your happiness whether it's pursuing higher education, working, taking a vacation, or whatever. Besides you owe that to yourself. Don't make this situation about him anymore than he is making it about himself. He has not ONCE considered your feelings because if he did then he would not have done any of those things to hurt you knowing that at some point it was all going to come out. He didn't care. He chose to risk his family that he SAID he loves so much for a woman who betrayed him and gave him an STD. Ask yourself is a man that selfish WORTH keeping if he didn't even consider your family's worth of keeping it together? I think you know that answer. Please do yourself and your children a favor and don't further suject them to this broken relationship that you and your husband have. He has already LIED for YEARS...he is so set in his ways that he will only continue unless HE WANTS to change and it's clear that he doesn't. But you deserve so much better than him! Both you and your children! In no way am I saying keep him from his children but he put all of your health at risk. Diseases are very easily transported so make no mistake when I say don't keep him from his kids but just be cautious. In the mean time you my dear should be getting your groove back, there are too many other men in the world that are looking for an intelligent woman such as yourself who has her stuff together and are very independent. You have ALOT going for yourself so it is NOT too late to find a man who will cherish, honor and appreciate you for who you are and everything you do. Don't forget to go have yourself checked for STD's that your husband may have passed on to you. I'm sorry this happened to you! Just know you are not alone and you deserve better!

[Flux]

I'm sorry for what you've been through. It sounds to me that your husband is an arsehole, and a liar also. You cannot forgive him for this, it beens going on for ages and he denied it from the start, even when you gave him the opportunities to tell you. Next time he is away for work I think you should pack everything of his into a bag, and leave it somewhere. That way, he comes back and see's you can cope without him. Let him beg and plead all he wants, he is the wrongdoer, just don't back down to him.

 

I know your worried about the kids, but they will heal from it, they are still young after all.

[pinkelephant]

speaking as a child of divorce, i think it's better that my parents divorcing than for my mom to suffer with my dad. it's painful to have parents split up, but it's more painful to watch the betrayal happens. it's up to you though, i think you know you deserve much better.

[Rabican]

I cant think of any worse punishment than to see my mom have to go through what you are going through... and then to CONTINUE going through it. It will hurt your kids now (especially if they are younger) but in the long run they will be proud and respectful of you knowing that you were able to stand up for yourself and hold your head high and move on. that jerk doesnt deserve anything from you except for divorce papers and a lawyer suing him for everything he has so that your kids are taken care of.

 

Thankfully my parents get along great, and I never had to deal with anything like this. But if they had... I would want them to be alone and happy, and not together and miserable. Just imagine your frame of mind if you stayed with this fool every time he was away. You will drive yourself nuts wondering who hes with what hes doing and where. Move on woman!!!! Kick him to the curb.

[bunny2007]

Hi there so sorry to hear about your painful situation. Yours sounds somewhat similar to mine in alot of ways. I've known my partner for 15 years and we have two boys. We have been married 7 years and thats also the length of time he lied to me and I never had a clue in the whole seven years. We moved to London which is where he began his double life.

All I can say is I found out eight years months ago about all his infidelity. At first the pain was so unbearable I thought I would never get through it but its been eight months and I am alot better and so is my relationship.

 

I felt/feel all the same emotions as your feeling. I know its tough to know what to say or do in this situation. But you need to firstly get tested for stds and then you need to get to a good councillor with your husband. He needs to open up and explain everything in detail and you both need to try to understand why this has happened.

 

I have taken a giant leap of faith and who knows maybe I will regret starting this relationship again but theres a chance it can be good this time and so far its a million miles from what it was.

 

Theres many who will say leave him and that you have no pride if you stay. I don't believe this to be true. You have no pride if you stay and continue to allow your husband to carry on deceiving you and putting your health at risk. But if he genuinely wants to talk about this mess he has created and try to make a mends there is nothing wrong with you to give him a second chance and to try to understand.

 

Its not healthy however for your to stay in this relationship and be pent up with hate and bitterness of the past. You should talk to someone and let them help you decide what it is you want to do.

 

My partner made up all kinds of pathetic lies to impress other women just to get what he wanted. It makes me sick too, to think of all the stories and lies but I don't wanna live in the past.

 

Best of luck

[so374]

When something happen to you, you feel like you are the only person in the world going through difficulties and feel that it is the end of you but than you realize that the world is full of cheaters and people like us that are going through the same pain.

I choose to stay and try to give him another chance even though I am still trying to figure out who is he now and what does he mean to me I don’t trust him anymore not just about cheating but everything else. The difference between our stories is that my husband spent a year with the same person and when I caught him he didn’t want to let her go, he made my life hell, he still found ways to be with her even though he knew that I know what he was doing at that time, he treated me really bad he hurt me emotionally a lot, he would scream , hung up on me just to show her that we don’t get a long well, he even hit me twice because of her when he never did it before…

Do you think it is possible for someone to love two people at the same time? I don’t know if he loves me now or he loves the image of the married and happy man? I am trying not to live in the past too but I cannot, I am too hurt to get over all of this.

[midnightrambler]

I am sorry for the pain you have went through. I can't get past the stupidity your husband had shown in giving you his phone he used to cheat with. Sounds like he wanted to get caught

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>Do you think it is possible for someone to love two people at the same time?

 

I don't think he loves either of you... he sounds incredibly selfish and not the least bit ashamed of his behavior. he most likely just wants to keep doing this, with either this woman or someone else if that breaks up or you leave him.

 

please protect yourself and your children. no one should have to tolerate this. talk to a counselor and a divorce lawyer to understand your options.

 

if he is just waiting for the green card he will use you and very well leave you anyway, so better to be prepared and leave on your own terms.