What's A Mom To DO??

[confusedmama]

I am soooo frustrated with my oldest child. He is 13, in the 8th grade and is driving me crazy. He is an extremely intelligent child but puts forth no effort with anything he tries. If he can't get it the first time, he quits.

 

Today I get a call from his language teacher (luckily she is a good friend) he didn't turn in 2 projects in the past 2 weeks. 1 was a classroom project and the other was a segment from a project he was completing for geography. I asked him over the weekend-he was with his dad-if he completed his project and he said "yes". This has happened in EVERY class.

 

I'm pretty sure it is his passive-aggressive way to gain control, I don't think he has felt much in the past 4 years becasue of the divorce, but I don't know how to convince him that the only one he is hurting is himself. (And me becasue I hate to see my children hurt)

 

I have tried all I know-removing privileges, re-instating priviledges, punishment, reward. Any suggestions? He has been to counselling and maybe we need to go back. He is definitely afraid to stand up to his father about anything.

 

I don't want him to get invovled in the wrong path but I am going nuts

[Mun]

Oh I feel for you. I too hate to see kids hurting.

 

I think going back to counseling is a good idea. Kids need an outlet especially someone that is not close to the situation. A good counselor won't just listen but provide some skills to better deal with certain things. Make sure to discuss with the counselor all that is going on including self esteem issues ( he may be feeling hopeless, useless) I don't know, just throwing ideas at you

 

Still I would sit him down and ask what is going on right now...then listen. Whenever there is a problem with my kids I make it a point to ask them "what's wrong " and usually discover that it's something totally unrelated.

As you know, sometimes kids act up and it's not about not being able to finish a project.

 

You might also try instead of punishment to reward when he does good. Sometimes punishment don't work, but rewards are always welcome.

 

Good luck

[Atticus90]

I had that problem when I was younger.

What was wrong with me was, I got discouraged way to easy and felt that if I couldn't do it the first time then it couldn't ever be done. And I never turned in my homework.

 

Plus, he's only 13. He's probably going through puberty right now. Lots of changes are going on. Facial hair, hormone changes, everything.

 

How did I ever change?

 

Well, my dad took me to the backyard. And told me to clean everything up and to fix everything that needed to be fixed. He told me to do yard work, everything that was bad as a kid.

 

At the end he said "This is what will happen if you don't do your work and finish school, you'll end up with no life working your BEEP off every single day when you get older"

 

That's when I learned responsibility

 

And that's what you should to do your son.

[KG]

^^^Agrees. Plus talk and listen, you may be surprised to find out an underlying reason.

Counseling is almost always good! Again, a good listener is worth a million bucks.

Try teaching him some patience...my son was that way at 9, one shot, all or nothing. But we kept explaining about patience and practise, it paid off in Soccer for him, and he's been better ever since!

I hope this helps!

[Aleadragonhawk]

Two things in your post stood out to me. One was that your son gets frustrated and stops doing things if he doesn't get them perfect the first time. This is a big danger with kids who are very intelligent, because they're used to everything coming easily for them, so they get frustrated if there's something that they aren't immediately good at. Another thing that is pretty common for bright kids is getting bored. Is your son in the advanced classes at his school? If not, you might want to talk to his teachers and see if he can move up to classes that will be more challenging for him.

[confusedmama]

Thanks for all the suggestions. He is in advanced classes at school, at least math, science & english. I tried the yard work thing this fall after the first report card-no change. We even talked about not getting into college because of his grades. I've even brought up the fact he can't get a driver's license becasue without at good GPA I can't afford to put him on the insurance, hoping that would give him incentive to turn in his work. It works for maybe a week.

 

I try to talk to him, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I would like to get him back into counselling but financially I don't think I can handle it. My middle son now needs braces (i've known that was coming for a long time) and I really don't think I can swing both those payments at the same time.

 

He didn't have an excuse last night when I conforted him on the homework issue, just sat down and completed it. Sometimes I think it is just so he can be certain I'm still checking on him. It used to really p8ss me off when my mom would go behind me and check. I think he wants it.

[KG]

c'mama,

Maybe he's holding back to get your attention? If he likes you checking up on him?

[FarthestEdge]

Before I say anything, I want to say this: No Judgement is implied here....

 

My son is only 3 so it's easy for me to have answers..;D

 

BUT- You seem focused on negative behavior "When I do...things change for awhile..It works for maybe a week"

 

What are you doing WHEN it's working? Leaving him alone b/c he's doing the right thing? Saying things like "It's about time"? Or are you giving positive feedback and some CURRENT incentive or reward. I'm not talking "If you do your homework, I'll take you to McDonalds", but rather "Hey- I've noticed some extra effort this week, so here's an extra $10.00 on your allowance..Don't expect it every week, but I know you've had a rough time lately and I appreciate your efforts" or something like that... Reward AFTER the deed, not promised before the deed is done.

 

I always say my parents were like my own personal cheerleading squad. The message was always positive, even when I was an idiot. They never said- "You're an idiot/lazy/going to fail" etc. They'd say"Come on, you're smarter than this, I know you can do better, If you put your mind to it, there's no stopping you"

 

As for rewards, they should be intermittent, unpredictable and varying in degrees and kind. Sometimes, an extra 1/2 hour on curfew, or a little extra cash, or a treat at McDonalds....or just some of your time to sit together & watch a movie he chooses.... Figure out what's important to him, and find inexpensive ways to reward him in a way that matters to him...Let him pick Dinner, do a chore for HIM that you know he hates....there's a lot of possibilities. You're his mom, so you'd know better than I what would be considered a reward to him.

 

And praise him when he does good things...Tell him your proud.

 

Basically what I am driving at is conditioning him to understand that when you work hard/do good things, then good things happen....you just don't always know what it will be...

 

Another approach is to ask him in a calm, collected way- "What can I do to help you to do your homework regularly so we're not fighting about it all the time. It needs to be done, and I hate fighting with you. There has to be another way? Is there something you need from me that you're not getting?"

 

Ask for HIS feedback as to how to solve the problem.

 

I hope something in here helps...Man, someday my little man will be a surly teenager, and I know I'll need help too!