hard for the dumper too

[Amore]

Not every relationship is meant to last, and while it's true that most things can be worked out, the loss of love isn't one of them. You can't force someone to once again feel something that they no longer do, and you can't force yourself to feel it, either.

 

To stay in a relationship when you no longer have feelings for the other person is not noble; it's cruel, unfair, and ultimately selfish. It's staying in a relationship in order to feel good about not being a "dumper," and it entails lying to the other person every single day. The right thing to do in such a situation is to acknowledge that the relationship is ending and let the other person go, so that they can be with someone who truly loves them back.

 

I agree with this completely. I've been on both the giving and receiving ends of this situation, and ultimately, when the first guy I was seeing said he only loved me 75%, the best thing he did for me was dump me. And yet, sometimes the "loss of love" really isn't the absense of love, but rather, the lack of that initial butterfly feeling. It's tough to tell whether a relationship has run its course or not.

 

The OP has done the right thing by breaking up to give herself some time to think about what she truly wants. She may decide that he feelings were really not there, or she may realize she just gave away everything she wants. Either way, the only way to tell is to have to time alone to think.

 

She's not a bad person, and no one should make her feel that way -- she hasn't done anything malicious and isn't intending to hurt anyone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Even when I started to lose feelings for my ex, I still tried hard to make it work out. To me, relationships require that people put their ALL into it and try to make it work out. How many times on ENA do we tell people that they should put their ALL into a relationship, and that one should NOT get into a relationship if they are still hung up on their ex's and cannot put 100% into a relationship.

 

Feelings do come and go. I don't think, if the feelings are gone, that they cannot come back. Sometimes a bit of a change and working on issues CAN bring those feelings back. But it takes HARD WORK and determination. But that is what relationships are all about, putting in hard work and determination.

 

 

She did try for 6 months it didn't happen. Sometimes what is needed to re-kindle the flame is indeed distance, time apart and self-reflection.

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess I am wrong.

 

I'm not saying the OP is a bad person, but most times, I think people dont think through breakups and such and will break up with a person, as soon as the feelings are gone.

 

Relationships are hard work and are not always full of butterflies and fluttering hearts. It seems with a lot of people (not saying the OP is doing this), the minute the butterfly feelings are gone, the person is outta that relationship.

[whitelilly]

Sometimes it is right to be wrong. And wrong to be right. not everything needs a logical explanation.

 

i actually like your signature "always trust your gut"

[browneyedgirl36]

I have to say a little in defense of the OP here because I've been where she is. I hope I won't get attacked for this, but I was a "dumper" -- one time, a long time ago -- and it was a VERY painful decision for me to make, but I KNOW it was the right one. In my case, we both grew up tremendously (from high school to college), and that growth changed us both significantly.

 

I dated a guy from age 16-20; in the third year of our relationship, I tried to break things off with him because I simply didn't feel the same anymore. I wanted to, and I tried to convince myself that I did, but the feelings weren't there. He was like a brother or friend to me. We were long distance, at two different colleges at this point. I tried to break things off with him. He got hysterical, crying, etc., and I felt so terrible that I told him I'd changed my mind (even though I hadn't). I spent the next year absolutely miserable -- I KNEW he wasn't the right person for me -- nor I the right person for him -- and I felt so sad, trapped, etc. I hated the idea of hurting him, but it got to the point where I was making myself sick (not sleeping, not eating right, constant anxiety), and I knew I had to end things before I started to resent him completely. Finally, I knew what I had to do, and after not sleeping for nearly two days straight, I broke up with him, telling him that I really cared about him, which was absolutely true, but that I felt we had grown apart -- that he was more of a friend than a boyfriend. He cried, he was very upset, but to his credit, he never begged, never pleaded, and he only called me ONCE afterward -- to cuss me out and tell me how angry he was at me, which was fine. I let him do it, because I understood how hurt he was, and his anger made perfect sense to me. I told him that if he wanted to be friends, I'd be happy to do so, but that if he never wanted to see me or speak to me again, I'd understand. We kept in contact via letters for the next several years, letting each other know of important events in our lives -- graduations, his father's passing away, etc. Once, we even met up for lunch, and it was really nice.

 

Finally, we lost touch, but I know he is married with at least a couple of children now, and the last I heard (his mom ran into one of my friends a couple years ago) he was doing well.

 

Was breaking up with him easy? Hell no. It was the single hardest thing I've ever, ever had to do in my entire 37 years on this planet. It caused me such tremendous anxiety for a full YEAR before I actually did it, that I thought I was going to go crazy. My friends thought I was nuts because he was such a "great guy." His family, particularly his mom, HATED me afterward. I lost sleep, cried a lot, felt sick to my stomach for a long time afterward.

Do I regret doing it? Absolutely NOT. I knew even then that it was absolutely the right thing to do, and I know it even more so now. I did not break up with him to be with someone else, and I was 100% honest with him about why I needed to do it. I never strung him along, never gave him false hope, no mixed messages.

 

I guess the point of my story is that not all dumpers are "bad." Sometimes, relationships go on far longer than they should, with one or both parties feeling miserable, and sometimes there is nothing that can be done to "fix" things. My ex was a great guy, but the feelings of romantic love were simply not there anymore, and it would have been profoundly unfair of me to keep it going when I knew that.

 

That said, I have never been the "dumper" in any relationship since; I have always been the "dumpee." That hurts too -- tremendously -- but I can see things from both sides, which helps. Certainly, some dumpers are cruel, cowardly, thoughtless; some are vague; some just disappear without any explanation; some string the dumpee along unfairly for months -- even years -- after the fact because they don't know what they want or because they love the attention. These people have some serious issues, and I can see why the dumpees are so upset. But, not all dumpers are cruel like this; for some, the decision to end a relationship is very difficult, not one done out of callousness or lack of feeling.

 

Just some thoughts. I hope I said all this clearly.

[renaissancewoman101]

I guess this strikes a painful chord with me because I've always been the dumpee and it always hurts. I try hard with my relationships, give it my all, even when the feelings are gone and I can't understand why it has disappeared.

 

I always try hard even when the odds are stacked against me.

 

I am afraid of relationships because I usually end up being the dumpee.

[Snoopy24]

I really don't feel sorry for dumpers.

 

I've never been a person who dumps someone, even if I start to lose feelings for that person. I believe that most stuff can be worked out, if we put the time and effort into it.

 

The dumper has the upper hand since they are the one who inflicts the pain on the dumpee and breaks their heart. They're the ones in control since they're the ones causing the pain.

 

Maybe they feel pain after dumping someone, because they realize THEY made a mistake.

 

I can proudly say this, I've NEVER been a dumper. I give it my all in my relationships.

 

If you're the dumper and you feel bad after the fact, tough crap.

 

You deserve it.

 

WOW...are you serious??

 

So, if you're in a relationship and your S/O becomes abusive after a year...you are "supposed" to stay with that person forever?

 

 

The truth is people DO change. not always for the better, people do lose feelings..it happens. Don't you think people would like to have fairytale endings and live happily ever after? Doesn't always happen.

 

Breaking up with someone can be just as or even more difficult for the dumper.

[Clementine orange]

 

Breaking up with someone can be just as or even more difficult for the dumper.

 

I agree. Dumpee/Dumper - it's usually just opposite two sides of an extremely uncomfortable coin. Each has it's own misery. Indeed, the dumper has to worry if they are making the right decision. The dumpee has their pride trashed. It's tough either way.

[Lovin_Life]

I think either way you slice it, breaking up is hard to do.

[Momene]

I've been on both sides and when you are the dumpee, you feel that being dumped is a personal insult against you. Sometimes dumping someone is kinder in the long run. If they expect something from you that you are unable or unwilling to give them (even if to a 3rd party the want/demand seems reasonable), it is kinder to let them go and try and find it elsewhere. Its a lot easier to sit back and take the available company and sex but it's not fair to do this if you're not sincere.

 

Dumping someone can make you feel guilty, even if its for the "right" reasons.

[Merrick]

Sounds like you put in your time and nothing changed so kudos to you for not wasting years of your life waiting and wondering if things were gonna change.

 

It never is easy...dumper or dumpee. I dumped my last bf and i think about him every single day. Was it the right decision? I think so. But that doesn't mean i miss him any less.

[Aurian]

I was the dumper. I spent the last two years of the relationship working my butt off for an abusive guy who said everything wrong in both our lives was my fault and I had to fix it. I got screamed at, had things thrown at me, stuff broken, knives waved at me and death threats.

 

I guess I didn`t try hard enough huh?

 

Nevertheless, it was a very hard thing for me to do to finally "give up" and say this relationship is over. I loved him very much and I had a lot of fear and guilt that somehow maybe this all was my fault. I also married this guy before his abusive behaviour started, and I MEANT those vows.

 

It is hard to be the dumper too, especially when you DO try your best to make a relationship work. You have a lot of fear and guilt and pain, especially when the other contacts you.

 

I don`t regret it, but dumping him at the time was even harder than having him screaming in my face and shaking me because I didn`t live up to his expectations. In that case, I blamed myself and thought I just had to try harder and everything would be okay. When I dumped him, I was a mess of guilt, regret and feeling like I failed and didn`t do enough to honour those vows. I dont regret it anymore though. I know I did the right thing.

 

Even when both people are awesome, sometimes they just dont mesh together. All the trying in the world can`t make a square peg fit a round hole comfortably.

[duchesstigerlily]

Whitelilly,

 

I think you made the right decision despite what some people may say on this forum. It is so much kinder for you to recognize that your feelings have changed and get out of the relationship rather then carrying it on for fear of hurting the person. You can work on a relationship to death but if the feelings are gone...they are gone and that is that. I can see someone continuing to work at a relationship if they were still *in love* with the person but the relationship was flawed in ways that could be changed with some effort but if you simply don't feel the way you used to then its better to just exit the relationship and move on.

[Nixee]

I guess this strikes a painful chord with me because I've always been the dumpee and it always hurts. I try hard with my relationships, give it my all, even when the feelings are gone and I can't understand why it has disappeared.

 

I always try hard even when the odds are stacked against me.

 

I am afraid of relationships because I usually end up being the dumpee.

 

I feel for you renaissancewoman... I've usually been the one hurt by an ex. That is actually what brought me here to ENA to begin with.

 

But until you are in the shoes of a dumper for the first time, you can't really judge.

 

Sure, sometimes dumpers just toss their mates aside and don't look back or really care.... but sometimes it really is very painful for them to make the decision to let go.

 

I didn't even get this myself until very very recently. It has made me look back on my relationship with my ex and see some things in a new light, and I think that is good.

 

If you don't feel you can or do love somebody - either your feelings have gone away, or they were never fully there - then how is it possibly right to force things?

 

I understand that relationships take work, and that they change over time... and many people DO confuse lust and love.... but... many don't. Many know themselves enough to know whether they really care enough about the other person on that deep, romantic level.

 

I love the guy I'm with now, but I have started to realize that I don't love him enough. I don't want him as much as he wants me, and I never really have. We are taking a little break now... some space.. But is it really the right thing for me to force myself to be with him when I feel unfulfilled? I don't want to break his heart. He is not used tissue to me. I care deeply for him. But something just doesn't feel right. What is someone supposed to do in that situation? Because it sure does hurt a lot.

[renaissancewoman101]

Nixee, you are right, I've never been a dumper before so I don't know how it feels to be on that side of the coin. I've always been the one that has been dumped and when I come on ENA and read all the sad, poignant stories of dumpees who are blindsided, or who know the relationship had been deteriorating, but wanted a chance to work things out, but never was given the chance, I sometimes feel sorry for the dumpees rather than the dumpers, since it seems they have the upper hand.

 

I guess I really don't know since I've never been a dumper.

 

Not sure if I ever COULD be a dumper either. I don't like to hurt people's feelings and break people's hearts since I've had it happen to me a few times.

[Momene]

Nixee, you are right, I've never been a dumper before so I don't know how it feels to be on that side of the coin. I've always been the one that has been dumped and when I come on ENA and read all the sad, poignant stories of dumpees who are blindsided, or who know the relationship had been deteriorating, but wanted a chance to work things out, but never was given the chance, I sometimes feel sorry for the dumpees rather than the dumpers, since it seems they have the upper hand.

 

I guess I really don't know since I've never been a dumper.

 

Not sure if I ever COULD be a dumper either. I don't like to hurt people's feelings and break people's hearts since I've had it happen to me a few times.

 

... but if you're with someone who you don't love and they want to move the relationship to the next stage, you feel trapped. What would happen if you no longer had feelings for someone?