hard for the dumper too

[whitelilly]

Lots is always focused on the person who has been dumped..but not so much on the person who chose to end the relationship.

 

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years recently. It's a struggle for me. We had a really intense relationship. I have never shared myself with anyone like I did with him... he knows me like no one else on this planet. He's my best friend.. & we have been through a lot.

 

I am still unsure if I made the right decision...but I think I have. I love him dearly, but feel as though I am no longer "in love" with him. This makes my breakup with him extremely difficult & painful. I miss him & my life feels odd without my mate beside me. I simply cannot feel what I once felt for him though... which is not fair on him as he is still madly in love with me. If I could make myself feel it again, I would.. because I wanted us to work.. I really don't know what happened? I thought I could have married him at some point.

 

It took me months to go through with it, as I couldnt bare to face the pain of hurting him & the pain I would have to endure. In that time our relationship was a struggle.

 

I have stupidly engaged in a fling afterwards, rebound... & now it's only made me feel worse. I thought I had gotten over that needyness of someone else, that I was comfortable to be on my own... but it seems in this difficult time I have reverted back. How do we overcome these self destructing behaviours? I know it's not right, I know it's not going to make me feel better but I am still lured back into that temporary comfort of this other guy?

 

The next few months are going to be really tough. I have never broken up with someone that I cared & loved so deeply... I would appreciate anyone who has had to do this sharing their insight

[lilypadgirl]

No judgment passed. Just trying to understand better...

 

If you love him that deeply, what made you decide to stop trying to make the relationship work?

[whitelilly]

Because I tried many times, and that feeling was lost. As I said, I love him.. but don't feel like I am inlove with him. When I look at him, I don't feel what I once did.. sex became different towards the end also... I don't know, I guess it's just something that was missing that even I can't explain.

 

I am only 23, lots of people told me that at this age I shouldnt have to "make" something work.. & I don't mean small issues... I do believe all reationships take work, but more in the sense of how you feel towards someone

[kevinm]

I'm wondering the same as lilypadgirl... sounds to me like maybe things got a little bland and not exciting. Well, to me that's no reason to quit. What did you tell him when you broke up? Did you guys talk? Did he know you were unhappy on some level? Did you guys try to work things out?

 

-Kevin

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I can't offer you the perspective of a dumper because I was the dumpee...but what I will say is from what I have read on these boards, your plight is not that uncommon. A lot of dumpees have learned that their exs have done the same thing you have...more often than not they try to remain in contact with the ex because of the neediness and not because they want to resume the relationship. Only time away from him will help you to see if you made the right decision....also, stay away from flings and other relationships until you have had time to process your feelings about the one you just ended.

[kevinm]

Because I tried many times, and that feeling was lost. As I said, I love him.. but don't feel like I am inlove with him. When I look at him, I don't feel what I once did.. sex became different towards the end also... I don't know, I guess it's just something that was missing that even I can't explain.

 

I am only 23, lots of people told me that at this age I shouldnt have to "make" something work.. & I don't mean small issues... I do believe all reationships take work, but more in the sense of how you feel towards someone

 

Age has nothing to do with making a relationship work. But you have to realize that every relationship does require some key elements for success. Commitment, understanding, respect, nurturing, etc, etc. On some level any relationship whether it be friendship or love, requires your attention, and in turn the attention from the other person. Sounds to me like you are confused about what you want, or that you expect more from a relationship. The question is did he know?

 

-Kevin

[AngryHeart]

love him.. but don't feel like I am inlove with him

 

Why do so many people say that?!?!?! I think it's ebcause some people expect relationships to be all fireworks and perfection. Well, maybe in Disney but not in real life. At some point you come back down to earth again, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think a lot of people prefer lust to love, wether they know it or not. Which brings out the line "I love him but I'm not in love with him" Just my humble opinion of course! Hey I'm only 19, what do I know? But that seems to be it from what I've seen (and I've seen alot, lol

 

I'm sure it can be hard for dumpers too. But it is kinda hard to feel sympathy when THEY chose to end it. Unless there was abuse, cheating, or something as bad as that...if you really love someone you don't end it because of the sex or the sexual attration...that's not love, that is lust.

[renaissancewoman101]

I really don't feel sorry for dumpers.

 

I've never been a person who dumps someone, even if I start to lose feelings for that person. I believe that most stuff can be worked out, if we put the time and effort into it.

 

The dumper has the upper hand since they are the one who inflicts the pain on the dumpee and breaks their heart. They're the ones in control since they're the ones causing the pain.

 

Maybe they feel pain after dumping someone, because they realize THEY made a mistake.

 

I can proudly say this, I've NEVER been a dumper. I give it my all in my relationships.

 

If you're the dumper and you feel bad after the fact, tough crap.

 

You deserve it.

[AngryHeart]

Oh and you're human right? You don't have magical powers? So yes, despite being 23 you DO have to make a relationship work. If you don't then, well.it won't work!!

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you know..

[whitelilly]

In answer to your question Kevin... he did know it was coming. Things havent been right for a long time.

 

I have been with him long enough to understand that lust ends.... lust between us ended some time ago.. it wasn't that, that i was missing. our love grew from there..

 

as for the sex.. it also wasn't that i just craved better sex... but when you start having sex because he needs it & not because you want to.. you start to feel empty & sex became a mechanical thing which left me close to tears afterwards.

 

i started to find myself interested in other people, which i hadn't the whole time i was with him... which isn't fair on him. i couldnt give him what he needed anymore & it was hurting him. i guess i couldn't keep hurting him anymore

[buckdawg]

are you my wife? lol your reasoning sounds PAINFULLY familiar

 

it's all good. you can't make your heart do something it can't do. it hurts for everyone, i know she hurts too. maybe with time apart your feelings will change, maybe not. but i do think you probably did the right thing. it wouldn't have been fair to either of you to stay.

[AngryHeart]

Well, then I guess you need to just leave him be if you don'twant to hurt him more.

[renaissancewoman101]

In answer to your question Kevin... he did know it was coming. Things havent been right for a long time.

 

I have been with him long enough to understand that lust ends.... lust between us ended some time ago.. it wasn't that, that i was missing. our love grew from there..

 

as for the sex.. it also wasn't that i just craved better sex... but when you start having sex because he needs it & not because you want to.. you start to feel empty & sex became a mechanical thing which left me close to tears afterwards.

 

i started to find myself interested in other people, which i hadn't the whole time i was with him... which isn't fair on him. i couldnt give him what he needed anymore & it was hurting him. i guess i couldn't keep hurting him anymore

 

If he knew it was coming, it seems you never gave him the chance to try to work things out and reawaken the interest in you. Instead, you wrote him off and tossed him away like a used tissue.

 

Yeah!!!!

[Amore]

What you're feeling is not uncommon at all, and I can directly relate. When my boyfriend and I started college a few months ago, the relationship was beginning to feel bland and unexciting, and I began to question if I was in love or not. I broke up with him so I could date other people in college (we're high school sweethearts attending the same university), and at the time, I was missing him terribly but thought it was the best decision. I immediately jumped into a rebound relationship that made me feel worse than before.

 

The time alone gave me a lot of time to think and reassess my decision. I realized how much I missed my boyfriend, and how he had always treated me right. I began to see that I had not fallen out of love, but our love had evolved -- it wasn't the giddy, butterfly feeling of love, but something deeper. I decided I wanted to get back with him, and we began to get back in contact.

 

Now we're together again, as if the breakup never occurred. However, I now have a deeper understanding of what it means to be in a relationship. Sometimes relationships just aren't thrilling and exciting -- it's completely natural to feel that way. It doesn't mean you're not in love though. Once you realize this, you'll be able to be much happier in your relationships.

 

Obviously, I don't know your exact situation, so I can't tell you whether to go back to him or not. Unfortunately, he might not take you back -- that's what almost happened to me. But if he treated you right and you think you love him, I don't see any reason not to give it another shot.

 

Best of luck to you -- feel free to PM me if you'd like

[anyastar]

Sometimes, relationships just run their course and have nowhere left to go.

 

Reading through everything you've written, it sounds like you did make the right decision, as difficult as it is for both of you right now. And while I agree with the poster who said that a lot of people erroneously think romantic love entails a constant high and as such get confused when things level off, that doesn't seem to be what's happened with you. Your love for him just changed over time from romantic to friendly, and that's okay.

 

Give yourself some time to heal. Give him his time, as well. It'll be hard for awhile, but it'll get better.

[cant find my smile]

I feel like we need to cut this girl some slack. Yes, I think it is much more painful to be a dumpee, but I don't think it is easy to be a dumper. She sounds like she struggled with this decision for quite some time and didn't want to have to make it but knew it was what was fair to both people involved. It doesn't mean that she didn't work at the relationship and just walk away.

 

I don't know why I find it so easy to defend the OP, when my ex essentially said the same thing to me and I am fighting it to the death. Perhaps I need to start listening to myself.

[whitelilly]

If he knew it was coming, it seems you never gave him the chance to try to work things out and reawaken the interest in you. Instead, you wrote him off and tossed him away like a used tissue.

 

Yeah!!!!

 

well that was constructive wasn't it?

to say i wrote him off & threw him away like a used tissue is offensive.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he knew it was coming, it seems you never gave him the chance to try to work things out and reawaken the interest in you. Instead, you wrote him off and tossed him away like a used tissue.

 

Yeah!!!!

 

I think that if someone no longer feels the connection, the healthy and kinder thing to do is to end the relationship. These things happen and you can't condemn the dumper for no longer feeling the same way. Too many people hang on to their relationships even though they don't feel connected...they hang on for selfish reasons, so they won't be alone, the won't rock the boat, they won't look like the bad person. In the long run that does more damage. Better to end it than to live a lie. Not all relationships can be worked out...if the feelings die, they just die. Maybe distance and time and thinking will re-kindle the flame...but at least he is free to mourn the loss and then move on rather than living a lie with someone who no longer cares about him in a romantic way.

[renaissancewoman101]

well that was constructive wasn't it?

to say i wrote him off & threw him away like a used tissue is offensive.

 

Sorry, I've always been the dumpee and it really hurts when someone just dumps someone without giving them a chance to work things out.

 

I guess this thread struck a nerve with me.

[keenan]

I don't think there is anything wrong with ending a relationship, as long as the break is handled honestly and with as much compassion as possible.

 

One hopes that a lot of effort is put into trying to distinguish between a relationship that has mellowed and needs to be 'enlivened' a bit, and one that has simply died and can't be revived...or that never followed the "shared values plus the magic spark" formula to begin with.

 

Making that decision and following through IS hard. It's not as hard as being on the receiving end, but it's still tough to do what is right for yourself and to live with the pain of hurting another person in the process.

[buckdawg]

I think that if someone no longer feels the connection, the healthy and kinder thing to do is to end the relationship. These things happen and you can't condemn the dumper for no longer feeling the same way. Too many people hang on to their relationships even though they don't feel connected...they hang on for selfish reasons, so they won't be alone, the won't rock the boat, they won't look like the bad person. In the long run that does more damage. Better to end it than to live a lie. Not all relationships can be worked out...if the feelings die, they just die. Maybe distance and time and thinking will re-kindle the flame...but at least he is free to mourn the loss and then move on rather than living a lie with someone who no longer cares about him in a romantic way.

 

B-I-N-G-O

 

my wife told me that she loved me but didn't think i was her soulmate. the love of my life, the woman i adored to the end of the earth told me i wasn't her soulmate. i felt like i had been de-testicled and punched in the gut.

 

however, she did the right thing. i told her i didn't want 95% of her, i wanted 100% and if she couldn't give it then we'd better go our own way. hardest thing i've ever done and the worst day of my life and that was this past thursday lol

[anyastar]

I really don't feel sorry for dumpers.

 

I've never been a person who dumps someone, even if I start to lose feelings for that person. I believe that most stuff can be worked out, if we put the time and effort into it.

 

The dumper has the upper hand since they are the one who inflicts the pain on the dumpee and breaks their heart. They're the ones in control since they're the ones causing the pain.

 

Maybe they feel pain after dumping someone, because they realize THEY made a mistake.

 

I can proudly say this, I've NEVER been a dumper. I give it my all in my relationships.

 

If you're the dumper and you feel bad after the fact, tough crap.

 

You deserve it.

 

With all due respect...this seems like a very unhealthy attitude. Not every relationship is meant to last, and while it's true that most things can be worked out, the loss of love isn't one of them. You can't force someone to once again feel something that they no longer do, and you can't force yourself to feel it, either.

 

To stay in a relationship when you no longer have feelings for the other person is not noble; it's cruel, unfair, and ultimately selfish. It's staying in a relationship in order to feel good about not being a "dumper," and it entails lying to the other person every single day. The right thing to do in such a situation is to acknowledge that the relationship is ending and let the other person go, so that they can be with someone who truly loves them back.

[whitelilly]

thankyou, crazyaboutdogs, cantfindmysmile & anyastar... your advice has been probably what i needed to hear.

 

you are right... i guess the way to put it is that it has ran its course. time away will help me realise if the choice was right..

 

for those of you thinking i didn't try, i really did. 6 months prior to breking up, we talked about how things weren't right & tried to work on it... but as a few have said, you can't make yourself feel something that isn't there.

[renaissancewoman101]

Even when I started to lose feelings for my ex, I still tried hard to make it work out. To me, relationships require that people put their ALL into it and try to make it work out. How many times on ENA do we tell people that they should put their ALL into a relationship, and that one should NOT get into a relationship if they are still hung up on their ex's and cannot put 100% into a relationship.

 

Feelings do come and go. I don't think, if the feelings are gone, that they cannot come back. Sometimes a bit of a change and working on issues CAN bring those feelings back. But it takes HARD WORK and determination. But that is what relationships are all about, putting in hard work and determination.

[Censored]

Sometimes it is right to be wrong. And wrong to be right. not everything needs a logical explanation.