She left me

[sadcomposer]

I am so sad. Drinking way too much, have a hard time working. I'm self-employed and I need to work or else I'll go bankrupt. Gotta give up the booze and give myself a kick in the ass. I don't want her anymore, I don't want to think about her anymore, she hurt me too much. Venting.

[samross]

Hey sad - it will get better, man. Vent all you want. That's what we're here for. I guess you woke up this morning and felt like I did. It sucks. I won't preach to you about the hard stuff 'cause I know you know the problems that will cause. Not only in hurting you but right now you need to have clarity in your life and in your thoughts. I feel for you and I know it can be a struggle to make it when you are self employed. You've got a lot on your shoulders right now and take a mental break the right way. Can you maybe go somewhere for a day or so and do something you've never done before just to separate yourself from all of this? I know you feel an urgency to starighten things out but the more complex a situation, the more time it will take.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Sam, I'm drinking lots of water and trying to eat a bowl of soup. I have 2 pianos to tune this afternoon, so that will make me some money and get me out of the house. I had the best cry since the breakup about 10 minutes ago and I feel a bit better now. I have to let it go and be good to myself. Thanks for replying, it really helps.

[samross]

You will let go eventually. And you may shed a few more tears before you get there but you will move on. I had a good cry about a month ago. If you look back at my posts you'll see what I was going through. It helped me tremendously. I'm a man and I don't have any problem shedding tears but I had reached a point where I just let it all out. I just wailed. I remember someone on this site responded to me saying that and said I was being immature and something about 'only you can make you unhappy'. I'm sorry but I think for the most part that's just crap becasue it implies love is based on logic and it just isn't. Even though their callousness hit me the wrong way I could care less what they thought and told them that as eloquently and nicely as I could. I think John Lennon went through primal scream therapy once. My episode of letting go and crying hard made me think of that and it did help me tremendously. Better than drugs. Better than booze. Better than all of the other negative alternatives. I highly recommend it

[sadcomposer]

I am so sad today. Day 13 of the breakup. Only one contact from me. In her last email last thursday she says she wrote me a letter to explain, and asked if she should send it to me. I never answered. Today I feel like responding, more for closure than anything else. Please help.

[sadcomposer]

Everybody tells me that I should run from her if she ever comes back. And a big part of me agrees. She is unstable, bi-polar or whatever. How can I convince myself that I am better off without her? My last breakup with my former ex I was in a depression for 6 months. I don't want to go down that road again, especially because I now know that I did not want to be with that woman anymore. Any words of advice would be appreciated.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well write it out and post it somewhere that you'll see it every day!

 

And - you've already decided not to go down that depression road again... that's half the battle.

 

Pick up a new hobby or take a silly class in something. It's the holidays go volunteer to do something to make someone else's holiday brighter!

 

 

[sadcomposer]

Thanks cats, it's nice to have a response.

[CatsMeeoow]

I have found that giving something of myself to someone else ALWAYS make me feel better!

 

Lately I'm back to knitting... I have to make 100 childrens blankets for a charitiy.

 

There are so many things to be done this time of year - and you never know who you might meet when you are doing it!

[sadcomposer]

Knitting hey? Good for you!!! I hear it can be very therapeutic. Thanks

[samross]

hi sad

I know what you're feeling. My release for a long time was to play the guitar but since all of this I've sort of drifted away from it. I know eventually I get back to it but my heart's just not in it. Maybe in your case it is just TOO SOON for you to think about any constructive resolution for you and her or just you by yourself. You need to time to grieve if that's what is meant to be. We just can't spring back and go on like nothing ever happened. It takes time. cats right though if you can find anything to occupy yourself for a while it can help. When you ready to reach and help someone then do it cause it will help as cats says. One thing that has helped me is to read. I've alwasy been interested in different things but I've started reading mystery novels from the 40s-50s and 60s. Guess that shows my age but the idea is that I want to escape for a bit to another place and time and forget about ME and just chill. Our day will come again but for now as with the pain of any injury, it takes time. Even with all of the medicines, etc., we still feel pain or at least we still feel like something isn't right yet. Same with our emotions. I hear myself in a lot of what you're saying. Do you have any hobbies that you haven't pursued in a long time?

[sadcomposer]

My ex came by my place either last night or this morning. She left a bag with a small cheap electric fan that I had left at her place. No note or nothing. I can't stop crying.

[samross]

Hang in there, man. I feel your pain. On a positive note (if we can look at it that way). Why would she take the time to bring you back something that was worthless? I may be wrong (usually am ) but it sounds IMHO like she's trying to hurt you because she's still hurting. Otherwise, why not just pitch the fan and go on? When my ex hurt me with my best friend I gave her back all of the gifts she had given me. I do regret it but at the time I did it thinking I would do it to hurt her as much as she hurt me. It is a possibility. At least consider that and it might help you to feel a bit better.

[sadcomposer]

I don't know if it is to hurt me. I think it means she's trying to move on.

[samross]

It could be but again why go to the trouble? I'm not trying to get you hang in there and wait on something that might not ever happen but if I were breaking up with someone I wouldn't take the time to go out of my way and return something of little or no value unless it was sentimental on their part. It may not mean there's a chance but would you agree that you and/or her are clearly in the 'hurting and want to strike back' period? It just may be too soon to make any judgements about the future with her.

[sadcomposer]

I am in the hurt right now, she dumped me. I think she brought it back because it is mine, and she really wants to close all the doors. All this while telling me in her last email that she still deeply loves me. It just does not make sense.

[samross]

My friend - - TIME. For some time it won't make sense. Whether it works out in the long run or not it will take TIME. I'm going through the same thing. I'm not at the point where i am comfortable with knwing the same thing about time but when I stop and think about it - what choice do I have?

[sadcomposer]

You are right Sam. NC is the only way I can still have a glimmer of hope. I am not willing to give up yet. When I do, I'll start a new thread in the healing after breakup forum. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

Well I could not help myself. I sent her an email telling her that she can send me the letter. We'll see.

[samross]

Gotta go for now but good luck sad. I really wish you luck. If you get a good response then play it by ear. Lord willing the sun will come up again tomorrow and we've got another shot at it, right?

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Sam

[samross]

How are you feeling today? Just checking up...

[sadcomposer]

Just got up. I am waiting to see if she will respond. She is usually in at work at 8 so.... 10 more minutes I guess. I am having doubts about having sent the email, but what is done is done. I gotta prepare to hurt.

[sadcomposer]

She just answered. Says she is coming to see a friend in my village tonight, so she could leave it in my mailbox. She can also fax it to me. I answered that I would prefer a fax. That I am afraid of getting hurt, but I need to understand. I then wish her a good day and I tell her that I still love her.

[CatsMeeoow]

Just remember...

 

What's in the letter is how she feels now... not two weeks ago and not 3 months from now...

 

What you need to do is respect what's in it.

 

It probably isn't what you are wanting to hear as it just hasn't been enough time apart for each of you to catch your breath. Don't be afraid to come back on here and let us know how you feel... but for now don't react to her for what it is that she is sending... I know it will be hard... I can't always practice what I preach... just don't do the knee-jerk reaction as YOU always end up regretting that... give yourself a timeout after the letter.

 

Best Wishes!