She left me

[sadcomposer]

I guess I'm doing Majord perfect plann II. Let her wonder, not be too available. Just answer politely. Maybe I will get hurt again, but I just love her so much, I have to try.

[J_man]

hey man, out of curiosity, do you know what antidepressant she was taking? you said she's been on them for years.. were they working ok until recently, or was she always unstable?

 

i ask because i took meds for years, successfully, and then when i was switched to the generic, my life went into a nosedive and i became very unstable, self-doubting, depressed, etc. didn't realize it was instigated by the meds until it was too late

[sadcomposer]

She's on Remeron. 60mg a day. Has been on it for years and has not switched recently. She is still very emotionally unstable. Mood swings etc... I'm not sure if the after effects of anesthesia could be the cause of this recent bout of depression?

[J_man]

ah, different medicine than the one i'm on. don't know anything about anesthesia. regardless, i wish the best for you, be strong

[sadcomposer]

She just answered my email.

 

Hi ****

 

Happy New Years to you too. Since we are not talking "live" I don't know what to wish you, so I wish you whatever you desire.

 

New Year kisses,

****

 

I"m not answering this one. What's the point. If she wants to get back together she is going to have to spell it out. I have to look at this like just a friendly email.

[sadcomposer]

I am seriously considering letting her know that I want NC. She is just playing games. Why keep contacting me like that? I just don't get it. I am so confused.

[J_man]

i don't think there are many (any?) people here who would advise you against NC. seems the healthiest thing you can do.

 

however, experience has taught me this, to keep face/self-respect, the best path is this: even if she contacted you, and a few days later you feel like telling her not to contact you, the best move is to decide for yourself right now that you are in NC, and don't even bother to tell her that until/unless she contacts you again.

 

reasoning is this: if she's just playing games/trying to see if you're impacted, then contacting her now, after she's contacted you, gives her what she wants, it shows it's having an impact on you. take this path, and you're not falling into the games she's playing. just be in NC, and only really tell her/request it if she reaches out again, it shows even more strength on your part

[sadcomposer]

That makes sense. It also depends on the type of contact. If it is only about mudane things, then I just ignore it. If she says she wants to get back together, that's another story. I just don't know why she keeps contacting, everytime a bit more friendly than the time before.

[samross]

hi sad

 

It sounds like IMHO she wants to keep the door open for whatever reason. I think the LC-NC approach will help you as well as help with her. On the chance that she may be playing games I would stay non-comittal but i agree with Cats - call her bluff - see if she really would like to see the movie with you. If she does then go and try to be relaxed and not needy.

 

Just an observation - you say you have to have all or nothing. A lot of us (myself included) have felt that way but the reality sometimes is that friendship is all they're capable of for now. To try to make it 'what it was' won't progress naturally and probably won't work. If you can get her to go to the movie with you than that would tell you she's keeping the door open. I would go, then back off and let her pursue you. It may not work that way but the reality is you don't have much choice.

[sadcomposer]

If she wants to go see the movie, she will have to say it flat out. I could not go to a movie with her without talking first. If you read my thread, you will see that she did things that would not even make me want to start off slow as friends. I think at this point she needs to feel that she has lost me.

[samross]

I went back and looked at your thread. I'd forgotten how many answers I'd left and forgot about her depression. She can be taking her medicine faithfully but still be at the bottom of the barrel and not realize it. It sort of sounds like that is what is going on because of all the irrational behaviour. One thing definite about depression - and I know this personally - if you are down and can't bring yourself up (meds or whatever), you will eventually bring down everyone around you. It sounds like maybe she needs to have here depression checked and maybe have her medicine changed?

 

If it is depression then you will go around in circles again until she addresses the problem. Sometimes a change of anti-d will work better.

[sadcomposer]

Well, that is up to her to figure out. She is a nurse in psychiatry, and sometimes the people who work in that field are more screwed up than their patients. NC for now.

 

It's just so weird. My previous ex left me with the ILYBNILWY line and never tried to contact me afterwards. This one leaves me saying she still loves me and misses and then starts to try and establish contact. She probably just wants to be friends, but I have told her in the past that I would never go for that. She knows it, so does that mean that these contacts are actually because she regrets her decision? She will have to spell it out if that's the case.

[samross]

I think NC would be best for you. In some ways when you describe her it sounds like you're describing an alcoholic that won't give it up but keeps coming back to their spouse. The end result is YOU going down. Stick with NC and work on YOU. It is helping me.

[TAB1234]

sadcomposer, sorry to hear about your plight. I'm confused though, what exactly do you want from the situation. Reading the above, i honestly think you should establish NC and focus on yourself and keep yourself busy rather than on her. Easier said than done i know. However the more you think about it the more irrational you become. You need to keep yourself busy, try and get happy and then think abt what you want with a clear mind

[sadcomposer]

Exactly what I want? I want her back, but on my conditions. I need 100% commitment, not just in words but in actions. That is basically it.

[TAB1234]

Exactly what I want? I want her back, but on my conditions. I need 100% commitment, not just in words but in actions. That is basically it.

 

 

So tell her that in no uncertain terms and then establish NC (tell her that there'll be NC unless she can give you the above because you don't want a meaningless r'ship with her. Then she'll know exactly what she has to do if she wants to and if she can't do that then she's not the one for you.

[sadcomposer]

Yes, I have an email draft all ready to go, I just can't make myself send it because in a way I don't want to push her. I am so confused.

[TAB1234]

I feel for you mate. Don't send it yet. I think you have to wait for a moment where you 2 are talking in a friendly way and then tell her how you feel but in a nice way (say you're doing it for your own sanity/heart) and it's not meant to come accross as an ultimatum/or emotional blackmail etc...but it's just how you feel and don't want a r'ship which isnt 100% which is fair 'cos at the end of the day everyone wants that. (Except for swingers!! (joke)

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Tab, I will wait. I am sure she will contact again.

[sadcomposer]

Somebody stop me. I so much feel like emailing her to tell her that her book is in the mail. I know I should'nt. She will probably email me when she gets it to thank me anyways. I am so sad today, I can't stop crying. I miss her so much and I can't understand how come she does not miss me. She probably does, but not enough to come back. The hard part for me today is that I know that she is a VERY pretty girl and can get any guy she wants. I so wish I could just let go, make myself believe that I broke up with her and that I would not take her back, but I can't. All these emails she sent, even though they don't say much, are keeping the hope alive. Maybe I need her to tell me again that it's over and that she will never come back. How do you let go?????

[samross]

sad

There's no easy recipe or directions for letting go. I'm there as well but things do get better. There was one night a few months ago where I just wailed and tried to let it all out and it really did help me. Another thing I did was to tell myself I was tired of the same old crap of feeling sorry for myself and why doesn't she call and why doesn't she love me.... It hurts needlessly to keep torturing yourself. And no matter how many times you keep doing it it won't get easier. It will still hurt. Do yourself a big favor, sad. Put all of this in a box. The box can just be in your mind for now. Put it in the basement or in the attic or in the dumpster. Tell yourself you've had enough. You deserve more and if she's not willing to give it to you there several hundred million women out there that are dying to meet someone like you. Granted, the problme is finding them but some of them are on this site. They're out there, man.

 

The hard part for me today is that I know that she is a VERY pretty girl and can get any guy she wants. One thing to keep in mind - your aching heart will go through all sorts of making you think things like this. The reality more than likely is probably much different. Maybe she is pretty, but looks don't last. I can think of 6 women in my past that I thought were the most beautiful women I had ever been dumped by (just kidding). My point is, years later I saw them and boy was I glad things didn't go they way I hoped it would. We, as the ones dumped, feel they are happy and going on with their lives. And for some time it may appear that way. But the reality is usually very different. The idea is to not focus on that but focus on how YOU can start having fun. Start working on having a better personal self-image. We tend to put ourselves down becasue we feel no one wants us - so how could anyone love us? But we don't see ourselves as others do. Try to think about that. You've made it this far in life without her - you can make it the rest of your life if that's what you have to do.

 

I wouldn't email her as it will put you in the mode of waiting for a response that might not come. Been there and done that and it sucks so try not to do it to yourself, sad.

 

One thing that is helping me is to try new things. Get my mind on other people, other problems. It is extremely hard at first but it gets easier and eventually you won't be worrying about her as much. The emails she sends are crumbs on the floor. I've gotten them. If you constantly feed a starving cat crumbs, they will remain starving. Go get yourself a steak dinner somewhere, sad.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Sam, that really helps. It's nice of you to respond and I really appreciate it. She is 44 with the body of a 30 year old. Even 25. But you are right, I have tons to offer a woman, she fell in love with me, so why not another. It's just that I really thought she was the "one". Ah well... NC, healing time. I still have hope but I can't help it. I guess it will go away with time.

[TAB1234]

"Exactly what I want? I want her back, but on my conditions. I need 100% commitment, not just in words but in actions. That is basically it."

 

Sadcomposer remember the words you said above. Do you want her with 50% commitment?? At the end of the day everyone deserves to get back the same amount of commitment they put in. You sound as if you're the type of person who gives 100% in a r'ship so ideally you deserve 100% in return. If she (however attractive she is) can't give you 100% then i'd say she's not worth it. I'd say go with someone who is less attractive who can give 100% then someone who is attractive but can only give 50% (or anything less than 100%)

[samross]

If it helps think of her as a very pretty but hollow Easter egg. I once dated a girl a few times that was so attractive even women would stare when we walked into the room. Talk about being uncomfortable. When you see someone that is beautiful on the INSIDE it will show on the outside with a beauty that looks and a figure will never compare to. When it comes down to it do any of us really want to have a relationship based on the appeal of the outer couple inches of flesh? Maybe for an hour or an evening if that's what we're looking for but not a lifetime. She has shown you what her beauty on the inside is. Remember the hollow Easter egg.

[sadcomposer]

That makes a lot of sense Sam. She could be quite superficial at times.