She left me

[sadcomposer]

Just so people will know, this is not a diary. I just did a cut and paste of my posts on another site that has a lot less traffic. So the first ten posts are the events of the last week. Are would really appreciate any advice or support.Thanks.

 

She left me... again. Last thursday. Said she just did not have the courage to go on. The last year has been just too difficult for her and she does not see herself going on another year like that. Her surgery was botched (esthetic by the way). She'll have to go on the table again in 6 months. The weirdest thing is I reacted like, ok, whatever you want. She wants to remain friends (yeah right). She was surprised how well I was taking it. She undressed in front of me, put on her pyjamas and laid down to sleep on my couch. As the evening got on, I was really boiling inside, but I did not show it. She fell asleep. I sat down at my computer and archived all of her pictures on CDs (about 700 of them) and took all her pictures off the walls. I then went to bed. She must of noticed this morning, because when I got up. She was already up and dressed and ready to leave, not talking at all. I asked her "so now you are mad at me on top of that?" She said "No, I think you are mad. You are not the only one feeling pain from this separation". I said fine. She left. She'll be coming on sunday while I am gone to get all of her things. It's over for sure now. Of course I am really sad, but I must accept right now that this relationship will never work. She is just too emotional unstable. She would have to make too many changes that I think she is incapable of doing. Well, can't say I did not try. Thanks everyone, I am sure I will be back to vent to keep myself from making contact. If ever she comes back (which I doubt) I will have to be strong and let her go. Wish me luck. Strict NC for me from now on. Thanks again.

 

I wrote this last thursday on another site. More later

[sadcomposer]

When she arrived she gave me this sexiest kiss (frenching I guess you call it). After she told me she wanted to end it, she undressed in front of me to put on her pyjamas and fell asleep on my couch. * * * ?????!!!!! She thought I wanted to be friends and that I was taking it so well. Who does she think I am???? I am so angry. But I have to stay strong. I know myself, in a few days I will fall apart and feel like making contact. It's ok to fall apart after another failed relationship, but I will not let her see that. NO MORE BEGGING. I have had enough of her playing around with my emotions. Thanks again.

[sadcomposer]

This was on Saturday December first.

 

I know that I have to keep telling myself that it's completely over, and that even if she comes back, I won't take her back. There is still this lingering hope that if I do strict NC, and that she tries enough times and offers to change her behaviour, maybe we could work it out. But I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm trying to stay in anger mode in order to deal with my sadness. It's going to be difficult. I sometimes think that if I had not contacted her the last tiome and let her come to me, things might have been different. Then again there is another part of me that thinks she will never come back. She has to come get all her things tomorrow. A friend of mine will be here to take my key back and make her see that I won't let her into my house alone. I'm going to pack a lot of her things for her. She also has furniture that she said she was giving me at the time, I wonder if now she will want it back. There is something that tells me she might not show up either, just keep putting it off. I am so sad, but I WON'T contact. Thanks

 

more to come

[sadcomposer]

Sunday the 2nd

 

Well she came and got all of her things. She left the big furniture but took the curtains off in my room and a big down comforter that I thought she had given me. Guess not. She returned all of my things, nothing is missing. She did not leave a note or anything. I am so sad and have such a hard time convincing myself that this is for the best. Thanks everyone.

 

more to come

[sadcomposer]

Dec 3

 

You know, she took down a bunch of paintings that she had given me, took a lot of ornaments from my daughters bedroom that I think she gave her. I don't really care about the stuff, but I know she did not care about it also. Do you think she did that to try and get a reaction out of me? Sat I called her and told her I did not want her to come into my house and that I would bring her her stuff. I sais I was not sure if she would bring somebody with her, and I did not want a stranger in my house. She asked why I did not trust her. I said that with way she had acted, undressing in front of me and going to sleep in my face,I just did not understand her and could not trust her. She was angry. So I made her promise that she would be alone. She did. So maybe she did this out of spite. I can't help but think that if I had not called her she might of left the stuff. Once again, I don't care about the stuff, I just find it weird. venting again, I know I should not ask myself all these questions because if does not matter. She does not want to go on, it's over.

 

I know she can't do it, but all I want to hear and know is basically that we had a good thing going, and that when looking at the big picture, it's worth staying together. I'm dreaming.

 

more to come

[sadcomposer]

Dec 3

 

She just called from her house, guess she did not go into work today. I did not answer. She left a message, the book I am reading is one I gave her for her birthday. She says that she wants it back when I am done reading it. She also says thanks for having put her things together for her, it saved her time gathering her things when she came here. So.... don't know what to think. She's playing games with me. She says she could always go to the library to get the book herself. What a joke. I AM NOT RETURNING HER CALL.

Of course, I saved the message. I just listened to it again. She says that she would really like the book back because it was a gift from me. Something to remember me by???? NC for me.

[sadcomposer]

Dec 4

Unvelievable. She just emailed me saying that the microphone that I gave her is the wrong one. She says it's broken and all used up. Hers was new. I just checked, and I know I gave her the right mic. Plus, how could she tell if it was broken, she does not have anything to plug it in. Unless she went to a music store to try it out, which would be even more unbelievable. She said she could pick it up at the same time as the book. I am not answering.

 

Geez, now she just sent me another email from a coworkers account. She says that she tried twice with her own email with no success. Bull * * * * , I got the email. What pisses me off is that I almost have no choice to answer. IT IS the right microphone. Geez, I could always send one of mine, which have had a lot more use. I don't know what to do. I don't want to look like the guy who stiole her mic, but I don't want to breack NC. Help please. I guess I could answer to her coworker something like this "It's the right mic."

[sadcomposer]

Dec 6

 

I took a picture of my mic. Same model as hers, except mine is all scratched and dented and my initials are engraved at the base. I sent her an email. It says. "I gave you the right mic. Here is a picture of mine. Notice the dents and scratches and the initials at the bottom. Iy tours is broken, I don't know how it happened. I will put your book in the mail.

[sadcomposer]

dec 6

She answered

 

"Hi,

 

I don't need proof, I believe you about the mic.... I did not know it was fragile. Thanks for the book, I appreciate it. I have written you to explain, I know that I left quickly without really communicating. I will send you the letter if you want. I profoundly love you, more than you believe, and believe me that I suffer from having left you. Everyday is painful. I am not telling you this to complain, but so that you will know my decision was not due to a lack love.

 

I am not answering. It's all bull * * * * . If you "profoundly" love someone, you don't leave them. She's crazy.

[sadcomposer]

Well I made it to today with NC. One day at a time. I do think I was right to send that email. It showed her that I want NC. I did not want to receive that email from her, saying how she deeply loves me. That hurts way more. At least my last ex told me she did not love me anymore. You gotta wonder which is worse. The worst is I would probably take her back. I can't kill the hope yet. Just venting. I am so sad, but I know that the only way she will come back is if I keep NC.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Carrie, as you can see you posted before I could give you the whole story. I don't know what to do so it's NC for now. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

To those reading this, I did not mean to make it seem like a diary. I just wanted to put up the whole story. So please, any advice or support would be very much appreciated. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

I just need someone to give me hope. I am not willing to give up yet. We has such a good thing going, I cannot understand why she is acting like this. She does see a psychiatrist weekly, has been on anti-depressants for years. Maybe her dose is not working anymore. I don't know.

[sadcomposer]

Still in NC. I wish someone would reply, I am so sad.

[Censored]

All i can say to you is to keep the NC going. For your own healing to start if things don't eventuate.

[sadcomposer]

I so much feel like emailing her to tell her that the only reason I would want her to send me the letter is if I had confirmation that she is willing to work on her issues and give me a firm commitment. If the letter is only to clear her conscience, it's just going to hurt me more. Don't know what to do.

[surfjon]

Gotta wait it out man, limbo-land sucks.

 

My wife finally told me it's over and no chance, doesn't want to try.

 

It's not what I wanted to hear, but I needed to hear something.

Now I know it's dead, I start moving on.

 

22 years.......over, somewhat wasted.

[sadcomposer]

Here is what I am thinking of sending. I want to send it so she will know that my door is open, if she is willing to make changes.

 

Dear ***

 

If your letter is just to explain or justify your decision, do not send it. Your actions speak loudly enough. The only way I would consider talking to you is if you coulod promise that you are willing to work for a loving relationship and give me a firm commitment.

 

Should I send it. My last email to her was really business like. I want her to know that I am angry, but at the same time leave the door open if she changes her mind. Thanks

[samross]

sadcomposer

 

I feel for you, man. If you've followed my postings I'm a sad composer also. Different story though.

 

Anyway,

I'm not sure if I missed some things in your postings but it sounds like she has had some kind of surgery that maybe is either embarrassing or crushing her as a woman? Is the reason she undressed in front of you an attempt she's making to prove to herself she's still attractive to you? Even though she laid down on the couch, becasue of what she may be feeling perhaps she wanted you to make the next move. And at the same time her relationship seems to be going downhill? I know if there is one thing that I have learned from women in all my years it is that you can't read their minds. Listen to what they say but try to learn how they FEEL. If I'm reading your postingins correctly it sounds like you need at some point to sit down with her and TALK. Don't try to figure each other out by taking pictures down off the wall, etc. That's your anger tlaking if I read this posting correctly. I don't mean to sound condescending. We've all been there. It sounds like you need to talk to her about not only the realtionship but what she's going through. Anything that affects a woman's appearance or affects her self-knowledge of a woman is going to have a tremendously powerful impact on her. Men tend to say ok, so what? But it sounds like she is screaming inside and maybe you're not listening closely enough to hear it.

 

As to your letter, I wouldn't send it for the reason that it sounds like an ultimatum. If what I have described is going on then that needs to be healed before you & her will ever get back off the ground. If what I described is the situation then she probably needs you more now than ever.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Sam, wow now you have really made me think. Yes her surgery was plastic. She had breast implants put in about 17 years ago. But one of them moved in it's pouch. So she had to have them replaced. She was 6 weeks flat as a board, and now the new job was not a success. They are not bad, I don't mind them at all, plus they are not even done healing yet. But overall, this girl is really a knockout. So maybe you have a point. But how do I know if this is the case, and how do I go about it. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

I did ask myself if she wanted me to make a move. But it's kind of hard to make a move when somebody tells you they are leaving you.

[samross]

A few things that tell me it IS the case:

 

You said she's a knockout so she's aware that she has a quality to her appearance that she knows people are attracted to

 

She had the implants done; that's a conscious decision on her part to help her look better so she is concerned about her attractiveness as a woman; her being flat I would have to say without being a woman would be devastating to her but she might be incredibly strong not to show it.

 

Her new job wasn't a success; that undoubtedly is subtracting from her feelings of self-worth

 

As far as the couch thing, I would back off your need for sex until you and her TALK. She needs sensitivity and caring. Even though the two of you have been at odds, try to keep in mind there is a chance that when she's striking out at you she's striking out at all the crap she feels her life's become. Take time and show her that she doesn't strike out with YOU.

[sadcomposer]

I don't particularly need sex right now. I need her. But her actions make it very difficult to be there for her. If she needs my support, how am I supposed to know?

[samross]

It might depend on where her mind truly is. In other words, is she depressed? That might put a wall. I think I would just try to give it a week or two and then contact her. Let the feelings of separation enter the picture. Call her and see if she is willing to meet for dinner or something benign. I wouldn't say we have to discuss things. Just pick a place quiet where the two of you can talk. If she is receptive then that's a good sign. If she is willing to meet you, then I wouldn't bring up specifically the things you think she might be depressed over. I would try to reinforce in her ind that you are there no matter what she is going through. At the same time reinforce the idea that you need her but put her foremost. And since there is a good possibiliy that her medical problems may be at the root of the conflict, maybe you could talk to a councilor about how you should deal with it. Don't tell her that you're talking to someone but the councilor may be able to help you help her by being the person she needs you to be.

[sadcomposer]

Ok, I guess I'll have to mull that one over. Thanks very much!!!