why is my gf sexually dumb? (or common sense in general)

[iambrazilian]

She can never catch on the hints. I kno most of you are gonna say, "why are you giving her hints, communication is the best thing for a relationship", but after a while it starts to get humiliating to ask for sex all the time. It feels as if I'm saying "can you please let me borrow your vagina for a little bit until I cum" from the facial expressions she makes...

 

For example, last night, I go down on her and give her a great orgasm...what happens right after it? She just lays there in bed motionless...I understand that the female orgasm is extremely strong and takes a while to recover, but the "fun" is not over...what about me? Hello?

 

OR, when she has just had the big O, and then I feel really awkward thinking, "ok, now it's time for me to climb on her and go inside her, while she just lays there with her legs open waiting for me to cum", by which time she is already dry and saying, "that was amzing...I love you..."...the freworks are apparently done for her...I get nothing...

 

This morning for example, we both woke up and are laying in bed, I'm holding her in the spooning position, and I start to kiss her all over, touching her, tickling, giggling, complimenting her, flirting in general. I get her underwear off, and think I'm doing things right, until she starts to get annoyed...and then falls asleep...And now I'm angry and frustrated as we speak and then she is completely clueless as to why...

 

wait, she just said, "Oh its sex isnt it...thats why ur anry, cuz i didnt give you sex???"...(God, I hate that..."give" me sex...like I never go down on her..)

 

sry for long post...

[Portage]

Have you two been together for awhile?

 

It sounds like she has taken you for granted and the sparks need some rekindling.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I agree. SHe is rather selfish in bed, not sexually dumb. Just selfish (in bed).

No need to really have a longgg talk with her, but if possible tell her that your not feeling satisfied and she is selfish in bed, maybe she can try and be a little less. Hopefully she doesn't get offended and make a big bad issue out of it when it can really be solved rather simply--> by her also paying attention to you and your needs... Meh.. sex always gets things so complicated for some reason.

[iambrazilian]

I think she's just a sexual cripple...she has NO libido...has never masturbated...I was readin the thread "exploring your sexuality" or somthing like that and some of the things said are so her!

 

Why is she so un-sexual???

[iambrazilian]

by the way, we've been together for a year and two months...

[Superfreak]

"can you please let me borrow your vagina for a little bit until I cum"

 

LOL, that made me laugh. Are you her first sexual partner? It seems like she thinks that your fine with just having her lay there motionless until you cum and thinks that sex is sortof a "its my turn, then its his turn" rather then "we can have pleasure together" kind of thing.

 

You'll have to talk to her and tell her you want to try new things. Maybe asking her to go on top will force her to be more active in bed.

 

I agree that the "your mad because i didn't GIVE you sex" can be pretty annoying. If she says something like that say yeah, I'm a very sexual person and I like to have it with you and I want you to be more understanding about how important it is to me. Talking to her is the only way. If she's a bit of a below average girl when it comes to the uptake then you'll just have to find a way to communicate your dissatisfaction in a constructive way that doesn't hurt her and that she'll understand.

[sandyv]

Thats hard for me to understand, and hey I'm female....

 

Anytime I've ever had a LT boyfriend, intimacy is one of the most important things to me..... giving pleasure is just as important (maybe more important to me) than receiving it.

 

I agree with Jecky... you should tell her in a nice way how you feel. Feeling resentful is just going to cause your relationship harm.

 

Sandy

[iambrazilian]

lol, ANY mention at all of displeasure or unhappiness makes her go crying...

 

I'm her third partner...she tells me that with her other partners she just lay there with legs open for them to pretty much pound her while she looked at the ceiling and studied algebra...

 

*sigh*

[wiser]

You need to be frank with her. Say, "I'm Frank".

 

No, that's not what I meant. I mean, tell her that it's only fair for her to satisfy you the way you did to her. Otherwise the sexual part of the relationship is onesided, and there is no fulfillment for you. Just because she might not "feel like it" is no reason for her to simply lay there enjoying her post orgasm relaxation while your balls turn bluer by the minute.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree. SHe is rather selfish in bed, not sexually dumb. Just selfish (in bed).

No need to really have a longgg talk with her, but if possible tell her that your not feeling satisfied and she is selfish in bed, maybe she can try and be a little less. Hopefully she doesn't get offended and make a big bad issue out of it when it can really be solved rather simply--> by her also paying attention to you and your needs... Meh.. sex always gets things so complicated for some reason.

 

I agree. You need to talk to her about this. It does sound like she is selfish in bed? How is she in general...are you giving more in the relationship overall?

[Rosey]

From the description of what happened in the morning (when you were kissing etc), it sounds like perhaps she might be feeling like your only motivation for physical affectionateness is to lead to sex, rather than just enjoying the affection in the moment.

 

I've been with someon where it felt very much like everytime we kissed or cuddled he wanted more. And surprise surprise, the more pushy he became, the more I would get irritated and back off - causing him to become more pushy (probably thinking I wasn't picking up on his "hints"), and so it goes on.

 

Maybe before having this conversation about her behaviour, you could experimentally change the way that you behave - for example, rather than putting yourself in a position where you feel like you're asking her for a favour, next time have a cuddle/kiss, pay a few compliments and suggest going to sleep. She will probably be a bit surprised by this change in behaviour, and who knows, maybe when you're not initiating things, she'll begin to want to initiate things herself...?

[DN]

You might point out that her attitude of 'giving' you sex isn't much of a turn on. Sex is reciprocal and should involve mutual pleasure. She sounds somewhat repressed and it might be worth trying to to gently discover why.

 

That is a conversation that should take place with your clothes on and when neither of you is stressed or angry.

[Rosey]

Also, positive reinforcement works a lot better than negative. You've already said that mentioning displeasure gets her upset, so why not talk about positives instead? If she does something that you enjoy, tell her about it. Or ask her what it is that she enjoys, and if there's anything she'd like you to try. Make it into something fun - take it in turns to say what you'd like the other to try, or what you'd like to try on the other etc.

[Portage]

You might point out that her attitude of 'giving' you sex isn't much of a turn on. Sex is reciprocal and should involve mutual pleasure. She sounds somewhat repressed and it might be worth trying to to gently discover why.

 

That is a conversation that should take place with your clothes on and when neither of you is stressed or angry.

 

I agree with DN, she will get her back up and sex will become a battle. i think you need to discuss it outside the home. Maybe over a nice dinner or when the moment feels right. Don't accuse her come accross with concern and compassion. Let her know how it makes you feel, not "you never..." or "why can't you..."

[EQD]

Is she on birth control???

The pill or the Depo provera shot will murder a girls libido after a while, those are some side-effects, also vaginal dryness is one, so if thats the case then i'd most likely say thats the culprit. Or she despises and resents you.

[alcide]

Well in future, first act is the last, start off your relationship the way you'll like the flow ok. Eg. if you always give your girl alot of money from the start when you ll not beable to give her that will cause a problem. ok.

[Rollins32308]

I'm in pretty much the same boat, only instead of my girlfriend it's my wife. I've tried just about everything I can think of, I'm so exhausted trying to get her to open up. We've "talked" about it on several occaisons. Right after we talk about it, I get about 2 weeks of an average sex life, then it's back to the same old rut of sex once a week if I'm lucky and absolutely no "fun" stuff.

 

So what do you do if talking doesn't work? Because I've exhausted that option.

[ghost69]

i hate dating girls like that. now, i only date women that when i reach over and start touching they can wake up in the mood. i mean, this has happened to me, i was totally into it when i got woken up.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I'm in pretty much the same boat, only instead of my girlfriend it's my wife. I've tried just about everything I can think of, I'm so exhausted trying to get her to open up. We've "talked" about it on several occaisons. Right after we talk about it, I get about 2 weeks of an average sex life, then it's back to the same old rut of sex once a week if I'm lucky and absolutely no "fun" stuff.

 

So what do you do if talking doesn't work? Because I've exhausted that option.

 

Since you are in a marriage, I think you should work at it a bit more. Try asking her to go to a sex therapist or something. Usually if the sex was good before years ago, there is some other underlying problem, in my opinion.

If it where just a gf it would be easy to just walk out of the whole relationship. At least you tried talking but it didn't/doesn't help so try the therapist.

What did your wife say when you spoke to her about it? Mention any reasons?

[Rollins32308]

Since you are in a marriage, I think you should work at it a bit more. Try asking her to go to a sex therapist or something. Usually if the sex was good before years ago, there is some other underlying problem, in my opinion.

If it where just a gf it would be easy to just walk out of the whole relationship. At least you tried talking but it didn't/doesn't help so try the therapist.

What did your wife say when you spoke to her about it? Mention any reasons?

 

I HAVE worked at. Quite a bit in fact.

 

I think therapy is a waste of time and money. This is better than therapy and it's free. Therapists don't know anything and are just guessing same as you and me.

 

The many times we've had "the talk" it's like we are re-enacting the first time we had "the talk." There's the phase of uncomfortable silence and denial, followed by the tears and appolgies, followed by sharing the blame and trying to problem solve. Then we think we've found a solution and it works for a little while, then she just kinda slips back into her old routine of body language that says "stay away from me," never acting like she wants it or me, and when I do get lucky it's always standard boring "get it over with" sex.

 

We're both each other's first, so we're pretty inexperienced, but have been married for about 10 years. She admits that she has a much lower labido than I. After everytime we have "the talk" she vows to make an effort, to not shut me out. But it never sticks.

 

When we do have sex, I always please her, I always ensure that she has had an orgasm. When I go down on her, she goes wild and has intense orgasms where she can't control her limbs (sometimes accidently kicking me in the face). When she goes down on me, she seems to act like it's an obligation. Needless to say, it's far from stellar for me.

 

We've talked about how we don't know what to do or what the other likes so we decided to address that, it worked for a while, then back to rut. We bought books on techniques and ideas, read them, tried them, it worked for a little while. Then back to rut. We've tried porn, we've tried sending each other erotic photos, we've tried toys, nothing sticks. The last thing we've tried is me just coming out and demanding it anytime I want it and unless she is totally debilitated, she's not allowed to refuse. That sounds controlling, but it was her idea and she swore that it turns her on more when I just demand it. But like the OP said, I feel like I'm borrowing her vagina, and I want to be wanted same as her. It's quite demeaning having to ask for it all the time.

 

I feel like I'm about to look outside the marriage to fulfill my sexual needs, because I sure as hell am not getting them inside the marriage. Last time we had "the talk," I told her that. But, here we are again. Surprise, surprise.