He Doesnt Want To Talk To Me About His Problems

[RealBrookeI]

Heres my problem my boyfriend of 5 years just told me that he doesnt feel comfortable with talking to me about his work problems because he thinks that I will somehow turn his problem into something else that is related to me but then he also said that the real reason he doesnt like talking about his problems with me is because I talk in circular logic and it wouldnt help him any.

I am really pissed off about this because I think he thinks I am an idiot am I right to be pissed off?

[Hope75]

Is what he is saying making any sense?

 

Do you tend to turn his problems into something about you?

 

(just asking because he thinks that).

[RealBrookeI]

I wouldn't know since he never opens up to me in regards to his problems he gets real moody and in a funk for a couple of days and then is okay.

Sometimes his problems are about me and sometimes about something else but he never opens up until he already has figured out what he is going to do and I feel like I have no input or say in the matter

[Gath]

Sometimes his problems are about me and sometimes about something else but he never opens up until he already has figured out what he is going to do and I feel like I have no input or say in the matter

 

Uh hmm. So, the reason you're mad is that you didn't get to have a say or input about his problems? They're his problems, if he wants to deal with it himself then thats his prerogative.

 

if you can't handle his pouting and going into a funk (which i agree is lame behavior and a bad way of dealing with a problem), thats a separate issue.

[RealBrookeI]

. if you can't handle his pouting and going into a funk (which i agree is lame behavior and a bad way of dealing with a problem), thats a separate issue.

 

So what can I do about him going into a funk and not letting me help him get through it, I try and get him to communicate with him but he just goes into the room and as he says "works it out" on his own.

It really hurts me to know that he is working through some things and wont let me help.

[RealBrookeI]

Do you think he might open up more if I breakup with him over this to let him know how serious I am about him letting me in to all aspects of his life

[MELLIES]

Let's talk about the core issue here: communication.

 

He doesn't have it, and you can't handle it. He is not communicating his needs, wants, problems to you. Whether they're at work or home, he shuts down. This is not condusive to a healthy relationship.

[RealBrookeI]

Let's talk about the core issue here: communication.

 

He doesn't have it, and you can't handle it. He is not communicating his needs, wants, problems to you. Whether they're at work or home, he shuts down. This is not condusive to a healthy relationship.

 

He communicates just after he already has solved whatever problem it is he is having and I just get to hear what he is going to do about it or if it is about me he has had a couple of days to think about it which then throws me off guard and whatever he says is the solution that we end up going with because he has had more time to think about it than I have.

 

What I want is for him to come to me at the beginning of the issue and not at the end it makes me feel as if he doesnt respect my opinion or think that I can bring valuable input to the situation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, first of all he told you that he doesn't want to open up to you about his work problems because then you will turn it into all about you. Well, I can see from this thread that you have indeed turned this into all about you. Some people like to work out their problems for themself. They retreat until they get a handle on the issue. Some people don't want to talk about it. Certainly a lot of the men I know are like that. Women tend to open up about their problems more than men. It is an age old problem about men keeping quiet and finding their own solution and women feeling hurt that the man didn't open up. You want to break up with him over this? That's not fair. You can't make someone deal with problems the way you do. This is how he is wired...why not be more understanding and not make this a rejection of you. Also, I am not quite sure what you mean by him having a problem with you and deciding on the solution. What kind of problem?

 

From my own experience I can tell you I find it very irritating when I have a problem and I tell the other person and somehow they turn it into all about them.

[RealBrookeI]

Also, I am not quite sure what you mean by him having a problem with you and deciding on the solution. What kind of problem?

 

From my own experience I can tell you I find it very irritating when I have a problem and I tell the other person and somehow they turn it into all about them.

 

Well the problem he had this time was that I kept in his words "pestering him" about what was bothering him so he decided to come out and tell me that he handles his problems by himself because I tend to turn it around and make it all about me which he knew would make me mad but said that he would rather that I be mad now and not pester him in the future when he has a porblem because my pestering and his problems combined drove him crazy and he wants to communicate that to me before it would lead to the next step of him having to leave the house entirely when a problem comes up that he has to deal with.

 

I know that I shouldnt pester him like that but I love him so much and he is always there for me emotionally and I feel as if he doesnt allow me to do much for him emotionally. I want him to know that he doesnt have to be the rock all the time and that he can lean on me for support as well.

[programmer]

I know why he does it. Because, if he tells you about his problems, then it will show weakness, and women doesn't like weakness in men, it is unattractive for them.

 

That is what I have learned. I became so close to my now ex-girl friend that I told her everything about my problems, and she eventually lost respect for me and doesn't love me anymore. I got dumped!

 

I know you'll not agree on this, but then you probably haven't been there. As for me, I'll never do the same mistake ever again! Never open fully up to a woman!

[RealBrookeI]

I know why he does it. Because, if he tells you about his problems, then it will show weakness, and women doesn't like weakness in men, it is unattractive for them.

 

That is what I have learned. I became so close to my now ex-girl friend that I told her everything about my problems, and she eventually lost respect for me and doesn't love me more. I got dumped!

 

I know you'll not agree on this, but then you probably haven't been there. As for me, I'll never do the same mistake ever again! Never open fully up to a woman!

 

You are right I dont agree with you at all, I know that my man is strong and if he opened up about his problems I dont understand how that would change any of that. I want to help him so that we can grow together.

Is it really that wrong of me to want to share in my man's pain as well as his pleasure?

[RealBrookeI]

The way things are going with you two, the "next step" ain't gonna happen.

 

What makes you say that?

[programmer]

Realbrooke, I was like him in the beginning too.

 

I didn't open up in the beginning, my ex always wanted me to share things with her. I was tough and cold outside. When I finally shared things with her, I became needy and depended on her.

 

It is like either you open up fully, or you completey close the door.

 

Please don't try to force him to change his personality, it will only harm. Let him do i naturally when he needs it. The more you force him, the more he will resist! I am not kidding.

[RealBrookeI]

He's not a strong man if he won't discuss his problems with you.

 

No, you're not wrong. If you were, then you wouldn't have a problem.

 

He is strong and it was another poster that suggested that if he told me his problems I would think he is weak, I know he is strong even if he doesnt tell me his problems which is the main reason I dont break up with him in an attempt to show him how important his opening up to me is as his last girlfriend tried that and even though she called an hour later to apologize for trying to manipulate him he said that he doesnt play those kinds of games. (The only reason I know this is I am friends with her half-sister and she told me, I dont even think he knows that I know)

Still it wouldnt hurt him to change and let me in would it?

[RealBrookeI]

Realbrooke, I was like him in the beginning too.

 

I didn't open up in the beginning, my ex always wanted me to share things with her. I was tough and cold outside. When I finally shared things with her, I became needy and depended on her.

 

It is like either you open up fully, or you completey close the door.

 

Please don't try to force him to change his personality, it will only harm. Let him do i naturally when he needs it. The more you force him, the more he will resist! I am not kidding.

 

I am sorry to hear that your ex would do that to you, how long were the two of you dating for as I think 5 years is long enough to know that I am not going anywhere plus we have a child together doesnt that count for something in the opening up department?

[programmer]

I don't know about his history. Maybe he has learned it the hard way before like I did. Has he ever said "I love you" to you? Since your first language is probably English, this probability is higher than usual, e.g other languages (everybody says the 3 words randomly in English).

 

My father's uncle have lived with his wife in perhaps 50 years, and he has never said "I love you" to his wife. I think this is a good idea. Once you say it, they will start to take you for granted.

[RealBrookeI]

The communication is poor. Without good communication, it's not a relationship. It's just two people having sex and eating meals together.

 

He communicates quite often with me it is only when he has a problem or "challenge" as he likes to call it that the communication stops for a couple days and really it happens maybe two or three times a year at most and he always tells me what the issue was after he has solved it.

I just want to help him work through his "challenges" because he always is there for me.

The way it is now I feel as if there isnt an equal exchange and he wont let me even up the score.

[programmer]

I am sorry to hear that your ex would do that to you, how long were the two of you dating for as I think 5 years is long enough to know that I am not going anywhere plus we have a child together doesnt that count for something in the opening up department?

 

 

We were together for 4 years and 4 months. I have really learned the mistakes that I made. She always wanted to hear how much I loved her and if I've missed her. Even though I didn't miss her, I would say it, because I really loved her, and would never leave her. Unfortunately, I can't fully trust a woman in a relationship anymore.

 

She was my soulmate, my best friend, and my lover. Apparently, she was the one, but maybe not for the future, sadly enough.

[programmer]

I don't want to be mean, but you better sort your head out and learn to live with this situation, otherwise, you may regret deeply later. It is a fact that women doesn't think as logical as men do. Men and women think so differently, and to us men, often, the logic behind the action doesn't make any sense.

 

What is worse for you, this relationship endin, or that he hold the problems for himself 3-4 times a year? Think about it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He communicates quite often with me it is only when he has a problem or "challenge" as he likes to call it that the communication stops for a couple days and really it happens maybe two or three times a year at most and he always tells me what the issue was after he has solved it.

I just want to help him work through his "challenges" because he always is there for me.

The way it is now I feel as if there isnt an equal exchange and he wont let me even up the score.

 

You see, this is exactly the issue of it being all about you. Do you want to help him because you love him and want to be there for him, or is this really about "evening the score". Love is not about evening the score, it is about accepting each other and recognizing that you may have differences in the way you deal with things. He is there for you when you need him and that is great...you shouldn't feel that you have to be his sounding board just because he is yours. He processes and deals with problems differently from you...why not be more understanding of that. Of course he is aggravated when you pester him...anybody would be if someone keeps hounding them to spill the beans when they are not yet ready. He doesn't shut you out...he tells you once he has sorted out the problem...he could just as easily not tell you anything. Let it go.

[DN]

I agree with this. This is your issue not his. He is OK with sorting out his problems on his own - you are th one who is not.

 

A good relationship is balanced but that doesn't mean the way you deal with each other has to be the same in all instances. It means that both partners get what they need - and he doesn't need you to help him with those problems - in fact, pressuring him about them makes them worse for him not better.

[RealBrookeI]

Thank you all for your advice, I think I have some self reflecting to do.

I know that you guys are right that I should just let him be but I wish there was a better way than him being so blunt about it for him to have told me but I know that really he has told me this before in more subtle ways so like he always does he just comes out and says what is his on his mind knowing that I will be pissed and work it out somehow

[wiser]

Maybe over time he will become more open with you as your relationship matures. If everything else is ok with you two then you got to pick your battles and just let that one go, even though it bugs you. I'm sure there are things about you that he doesnt care for, but he compromises because thats what a relationship is all about.

[DN]

Thank you all for your advice, I think I have some self reflecting to do.

I know that you guys are right that I should just let him be but I wish there was a better way than him being so blunt about it for him to have told me but I know that really he has told me this before in more subtle ways so like he always does he just comes out and says what is his on his mind knowing that I will be pissed and work it out somehow

If he has told you before in more subtle ways and that didn't work one can hardly blame him for being more blunt.