He Doesnt Want To Talk To Me About His Problems

[Tethys]

I can relate to your boyfriend as I am not one who likes to talk a lot about my problems unless they are directly related to the person I am talking about them to. This also drives my boyfriend crazy because he wants me to "share" my problems with him, to "open up," and let him know "what I'm feeling."

 

I don't like to do this. I just don't. It's the way I am. If he wants to be supportive of me, I'd rather he give me a hug or do something fun with me so I can relax and get my mind off things. Sitting on the couch recounting every negative feeling to him just doesn't sound productive and it's not how I work.

 

Some people really are just not the open up and talk about all their problems type. Perhaps you can simply ask him in what ways you can be supportive when he is going through a difficult time rather than forcing him to talk about something he doesn't want to. That will only make things worse for him.

[Gath]

So what can I do about him going into a funk and not letting me help him get through it, I try and get him to communicate with him but he just goes into the room and as he says "works it out" on his own.

It really hurts me to know that he is working through some things and wont let me help.

 

You can get over it or you can move on and be with someone eles. He's not some toy you can control. If he truly doesn't want help with his problems, then you need to respect him an his decision.

[WaterIsLife]

I agree with the posters that this issue is somewhat about you. I think this is ok. You want to be there for him. You want him to lean on you. You want to accept him and let him in, every aspect of him.

 

But he won't give this to you and this is something that you need from him. You are entirely right to feel this way. For you, him being able to do this would bring your relationship and level of closeness up another level.

 

I agree too that we need to learn to accept how different people deal with things. Its really about acceptance and understanding, really. We don't have to like it, but once we truly understand we can better empathize without feeling hurt ourselves.

 

I do wonder though if his unwillingness to open up to you is a bit unhealthy. Particularly since you have asked him for this. A relationship is a give and take. He should at least make a sincere attempt to give this to you.

 

I can empathize with your situation since in my last relationship I was the one holding these things in. I felt I needed to be the stoic one. Even if I did express my feelings it would often be after some time has passed and the problems began to fester inside of me and affect other aspects of my life including my relationship. I did feel like I would be viewed as weak. I wouldn't let myself lean on my SO. But if you can't expose your vulnerability to your SO, then who can you? If you can't expose this vulnerability then you may not be giving all of yourself to your SO (that was me).

 

Just my 2 cents

[wiser]

I found myself thinking about this thread last night.

 

Is it necessarily true that there has to be completely open communciation between the two members of a relationship in order for it to work out long term? I would think yes, but perhaps if boundaries are clearly established, and the "holding back" of sharing the problems with each other is understood and accepted, then maybe it would be ok. Speaking for myself, it would bother me if my partner was upset about something and said to me that they can't share with me, but I guess everyone is different Also, the OPs BF didn't say that he doesn't want to share because he prefers to keep things to himself, he blames her, and says she turns it into something abut herself and she "talks in logical circles". That's almost an insult.

[DN]

Also, the OPs BF didn't say that he doesn't want to share because he prefers to keep things to himself, he blames her, and says she turns it into something abut herself and she "talks in logical circles". That's almost an insult.

But suppose that she does make it about herself - or that he has good reason to think that she does?

 

As for the 'logical circles' - people process information differently and deal with problems in different ways. He may look at a problem and seek linear solutions which involves a step by step process - one step following on from another. In order to do that he may need alone time for that thought process to work - without distractions from someone who solves problems in a more organic way, perhaps by talking them out rather than finding a specific solution. Neither way of dealing with issues is necessarily right or wrong and it may depend on the issue as to which is more effective. But they are processes which may be mutually exclusive.

 

That doesn't mean a couple who deals with problems that way are incompatible. If both of them find solutions to their problems either by sharing them with the other or going solo then that is fine - providing each accepts the other's way without taking it personally.