demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I have a problem, everytime i have an argument with my boyfriend i forgive him straightaway and things go back to normal quickly. How can i stop being such a push-over and how can i stop acting so keen? For example when my boyfriend and i have an argument i'll forgive and pretty much forget almost straightaway, and when he texts me i'll text him back the minute i receive it. I just want to know how to play it a little bit cooler. I love my boyfriend to bits, but i dont want him to take advantage of my nature, which i think he will do if i carry on the way i am or i may end up getting hurt. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 There is nothing wrong with forgiving right away as long as you communicate that his actions were hurtful. Holding on to grievances and punishing people with the silent treatment or hostile responses is the way an immature person with emotional problems deals with conflict. Be happy that you are not that person...it sounds to me that you have a healthier way of dealing with things. Yes, people will take advantage of it...whether it is your boyfriend or people in general...but the people who take advantage of it are exactly the people who are emotionally immature. So basically, by being who you are, you will be able to gauge the emotional maturity of your boyfriend. Do not change yourself in that regard because then you will be playing a game...and playing games is very time consuming. Just make sure you set healthy boundaries..which means telling him firmly when he crossed the line..but once you tell someone...the mature thing is to drop the discussion and continue the relationship as before. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 thats the problem...we kinda make up and never really talk about our problems after we've made up, even though i would like to. i dont really want to change the way i am, i just get a bit scared of being hurt in the long run. Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Hi demolition_lover88, Oh course it would be best to have a boyfriend who wouldn't take advantage of your good nature, instead of you having to alter who you are for him. I think, make the adjustments you are willing to make. You are not happy with this, that's why you posted this thread. I would say, and my own nature is... three strikes and we are going to have to seriously reconsider what we have here. Some, just don't take people at their word, in one ear... Because it worked so well before. Um, don't be so reserved, let him know something is wrong here. Jeffr Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 If the problems are minor, then don't worry about it. If they are major issues where you are feeling very hurt, then you need to communicate this when the situation arises. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 I try to, my boyfriend has a very immature way of dealing with problems...his way is to ignore them and hope it goes away, whilst ignoring me in the process. (he is three years older than me!!) Once he starts talking to me again and seeing me again, he is very reluctant to talk about the whole situation. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 'jeffrey2095' i have wrote my boyfriend at letter explaining that i am not happy, going to give it him when i next see him. dont get me wrong. i dont want us to split up. i just want change for the better...for him to change the way he deals with problems Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I try to, my boyfriend has a very immature way of dealing with problems...his way is to ignore them and hope it goes away, whilst ignoring me in the process. (he is three years older than me!!) Once he starts talking to me again and seeing me again, he is very reluctant to talk about the whole situation. Yeah, see? I know someone who is just like this who I am at the end of my rope with. (my drummer in a band I have) He says he's sorry, won't hang me up again, (he leaves me out of the loop, what, can't make a phone call?) and just puts me at the bottom of the priority list. This is a red flag... the longer you know him, the easier it seems for them to pull stuff like this. I'm sorry, but IMHO he will not change his ways... I would get a few things very straight with him ie: any more of this and we are on the boulders. If that doesn't straighten him up, I'd start planning a future with someone else, because it does not generally get any rosier. Jeffr Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 For example when my boyfriend and i have an argument i'll forgive and pretty much forget almost straightaway, and when he texts me i'll text him back the minute i receive it. I want you to compare this to what you've been posting about. You guys argue, and he ignores you and thinks of dumping you. Think about this one...do you think this is fair to you? I'm sorry, dem, but you sound like such a fantastic girl. You seem so loving, caring, and understanding. You keep writing on here about how to be a better person, how to be a better girlfriend. Honestly, if your boyfriend made 1/10 the effort that you did, you guys would be in a great relationship. Based upon what you have written here, you are too good for him. He doesn't deserve you. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear, because I know you love your boyfriend. However, when I read your post this morning about him dumping YOU, all because you wanted to know what was going on with another girl, it really just got to me. I've been there...I've been in your shoes, and been taken apart by a girl just because of the way I feel. I feel kind of protective, because I've been there, and I hate to see another gentle person get ripped apart. Link to comment
carriebradshawny Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Im sorry but I think this relationship is not a good one. He has you on a rope and yanks you in when he wants you close, then reels you out when he is sick of you. You are really selling yourself short and not very respectful to yourself if you continue to treat yourself like this. Don't you think you deserve someone who is consistent and mature? Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 'newphillyguy' its such a shame though. i dont want to sound arrogant, but i am probably the best girlfriend he has ever had and he is pushing me away. his ex in the past cheated on him with his best friend. i have never done anything wrong, i'd never dream of ruining my relationship. its almost as if he expects me to hurt him. also thank you for reading my other posts. there have been a few things going on this week in all honesty. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 the thing is i dont know where i will meet anyone better. i thought i had it good here. i dont really go anywhere to meet guys. i dont like meeting guys when i'm out on a night out. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 thank you for replying 'jeffrey2095' im glad you can understand where i'm coming from. however i do believe people can change! i just dont know how to get him to make more effort with me. Link to comment
carriebradshawny Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 the thing is i dont know where i will meet anyone better. i thought i had it good here. i dont really go anywhere to meet guys. i dont like meeting guys when i'm out on a night out. So you just want to settle for one who is not so great? I would rather be alone then settle for something less than what I deserve. You can do better and its all about the right fit and this fit you seem to force quite often. Link to comment
NewPhillyGuy Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 the thing is i dont know where i will meet anyone better. i thought i had it good here. i dont really go anywhere to meet guys. i dont like meeting guys when i'm out on a night out. I used to feel this way too about my ex. She was emotionally abusive to me. She was cheating on me, but sometimes she would be so, so nice. I used to think that I couldn't do any better either. YOU CAN! Trust me, sweety, you can do MUCH better than this. I know that it's so hard, because you are already in a relationship with this guy, and you have so many feelings for him. You will do what you need to do when the time is right. I trust you on that. Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 thank you for replying 'jeffrey2095' im glad you can understand where i'm coming from. however i do believe people can change! i just dont know how to get him to make more effort with me. Oh you're welcome! I think the "test" if you will, is to talk to him, (maybe your letter says it) making sure there is no doubt in his mind that this is not satisfactory and anymore of this, we are in trouble. Now... what does he do then? If he persists, I don't see what you can do but separate... Unless you want to wait for him and have things as they are until he does decide to change. Hopefully the letter will do the trick Jeffr Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 thank you guys. i just need to build up the courage thats all. also the strong feelings i once had are getting weaker each time he does this to me, which is a shame, but one day i will have enough. of course i wont settle for anything less than i deserve. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 i may re-write the letter. i've wrote him letters before. at the time writing letters makes me feel better and i can express my true feelings at the time without actually saying it to his face. i know that sounds horrible (i always sit with him whilst he reads my letters) anyway the letter i wrote before wasnt very clear. i guess i didnt make it sound as if we were over if he didnt change his ways. this time i will though. Link to comment
carriebradshawny Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 i may re-write the letter. i've wrote him letters before. at the time writing letters makes me feel better and i can express my true feelings at the time without actually saying it to his face. i know that sounds horrible (i always sit with him whilst he reads my letters) anyway the letter i wrote before wasnt very clear. i guess i didnt make it sound as if we were over if he didnt change his ways. this time i will though. There is a big red flag right there. You can't even express yourself to him when you should be able to? What are you so afraid of? That he will break up with you if you express yourself directly to him? Honey, you deserve a whole lot better than that. Step out of the picture for a moment and look at this relationship as if it were your best girlfriend. Would you suggest she stay in this relationship? Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 i may re-write the letter. i've wrote him letters before. at the time writing letters makes me feel better and i can express my true feelings at the time without actually saying it to his face. i know that sounds horrible (i always sit with him whilst he reads my letters) anyway the letter i wrote before wasnt very clear. i guess i didnt make it sound as if we were over if he didnt change his ways. this time i will though. Good, there ya go. If it is easier for you to express your true feelings in a letter than that is the way to go. Good luck in this, and I hope it does work out. edit: she's right you know, you should be able to tell him this to his face... I'm thinking the letter at least will be honest, and maybe when you do see him, he will see you and what you say in a new light. Good point Carrie! Jeffr Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 i think it if was my best friend i'd tell her to stand up for herself and tell him how she is feeling. i'd tell her to get out if he didnt change and she deserves better. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 thanks very much i think its good to write a letter at the time when you are feeling bad because afterwards when you have made up, you may forget exactly how you were feeling in those darks moments. thats why i write a letter at the time. Link to comment
carriebradshawny Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 i think it if was my best friend i'd tell her to stand up for herself and tell him how she is feeling. i'd tell her to get out if he didnt change and she deserves better. Something you should remember is some people never change. If by chance they do....they must want to and not that you would like them to change. Link to comment
demolition_lover88 Posted November 30, 2007 Author Share Posted November 30, 2007 surely he's going to have to change one day...otherwise he'll end up lonely! Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 surely he's going to have to change one day...otherwise he'll end up lonely! No, some people never change even if it means they will be lonely. However, from what I have observed, these kind of people know how to turn on the charm to get someone hooked...then their claws and fangs come out and the other person is too busy hoping the nice guy who was there before wants to come out and play again. These people will play the same game over and over again. They always have someone, but they are miserable inside, that is why they bully their partner. These people will never be happy, but they will never recognize that the problem is within themselves. Link to comment
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