First post, would love advice

[lost_for_words]

Hi there, I have been reading this forum for a couple of days and wanted to add my story to see if any of you could offer any advice.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, 2.5 years of which we were living together.

I got home from work on thursday night to find he'd packed all his stuff up and removed it from the house.

He was still here, wanting to explian (although he didn't really say much other than that he didn't feel happy anymore and that he was sorry for hurting me).

The tears started but I didn't beg him to stay, although I obviously told him I didn't want him to go and could we not try to work things out, but he said no, he's already sorted himself a house to move into. Which means this is something he'd been planning behind my back - and I just didn't see it coming.

So, Thursday night I text him to say I was sorry. He text back, which went on for quite a while, and I'm sorry to say that I was saying ALL the wrong stuff. That I missed him, I want and need him back, my life is empty without him, blah, blah - you know, all the usual stuff us heartbroken people say.

Friday and Saturday and Sunday were pretty much the same - we kept texting back and forth, me saying I love him, him saying he was sorry, didn't want to hurt me, couldn't come back, wasn't happy, wasn't ready for 'where we were at'.

Anyways, if you're still reading!! Yesterday I kind of lost my cool as the hurt turned to anger and my last text to him basically said 'Thanks for ruining not only me, but my whole life. Have a nice life and I hope you're happy now that you got what you wanted.'

I have literally had to force myself not to text/call/email him for a day and a half now - sure that he'd call me, but he hasn't. But I'm adamant that I won't have contact until he makes that contact with me first.

This is day 6 since he left and I hope with all my heart that it gets easier with time!!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this

[Mavh25]

It will get easier, I promise I know how hard it is, as do many people here.

It will ease off, you will feel better eventually, it may take a bit of time but you will

 

You know you said all the wrong things, you accepted that, and thats a smart step, especially not getting in contact again to verify things and apologise for the last message. Thats good, I'm sure he understands people say things when they're hurt, he knows hes hurt you.

 

I was wondering what his actual explanation was? did he sit down with you and jsut tell you that he was'nt happy any more?

 

Either way, you're doing so well not contacting him =) I know the desperation you feel afterwards, and you have alot of courage not contacting him

[princess_summer_blue84]

oh hon, it will get better as time goes by I understand completely what your going through. Read : Diary of a mad white women " thread and you will know what I mean that I know exactlly where you're coming from. Hope u get better as time goes by hon. He isn't worth the tears anymore hon, trust me I feel the same way about mine. it's not worth it.

[Needle]

hi, btw u had forced not to text/call/email first... were you thinking of him all the time and waiting, being grumpy on why he didn't contact you first? anyways if you feel okay w/o contacting him first i guess it's fine for you and u go girl! it will be easier im sure...

 

i wanna know what do you feel, are you okay with that (it's been 6 days) i mean can you just get over it by that lost contact? or you feel like the pain is getting worse seeing him so quiet n stuff? tell me more about how you deal with your daily life and emotions after you broke up w him. cuz what's important in here is YOU, you need to get up n move on.... yknow what i mean?

ok thats all for now, we'll discuss it again soon.

[beauty21]

What's up, lost for words and Welcome

 

Sorry you are dealing with this. Seems like your ex just needed his space. It's messed up that he acted like a coward and did it when he knew he would be able to leave, rather than telling you when these feelings arose. I would feel really betrayed. I commend you on not contacting him. You are doing the right thing. I know this isn't easy for you by any means, but you are a strong woman and it is your strength that will help you thru. Keep your head up. And yes, things will get much better with time.

 

Good Luck

[cabman]

lost_for_words,

 

I won't go as far as to say that you said all the wrong things. You said the the things that you were feeling, the things in your heart. The head and heart takes time to get on the same page. I think we all have done that, at least I know I have. The fact that you are hurting proves that you are a loving and caring person.

 

They keep saying it takes time. I believe that and I also believe that as long as you hold on to the hope that they will get back together then you can't move on. In my opinion that takes time.

 

We have all been where you are now.....

 

Good luck to you.........

[Crazyaboutdogs]

lost_for_words,

 

I won't go as far as to say that you said all the wrong things. You said the the things that you were feeling, the things in your heart. The head and heart takes time to get on the same page. I think we all have done that, at least I know I have. The fact that you are hurting proves that you are a loving and caring person.

 

They keep saying it takes time. I believe that and I also believe that as long as you hold on to the hope that they will get back together then you can't move on. In my opinion that takes time.

 

We have all been where you are now.....

 

Good luck to you.........

 

I agree. He really did take the coward's way out and left you in the dark until he was ready to bolt. That is not right and your reaction was understandable...first you were taken off guard and then you got angry. Perfectly understandable. If he doesn't like it, too bad...he needs to look deep into his own actions as well. If you are with someone, you don't just bail on them..you talk about things first.

[lost_for_words]

Thanks for your replies guys. And in reply to you all

 

Grrr Yes, his explaination was just that. He sat down, told me he wasn't happy anymore and that he couldn't be here anymore. He cried alot, but that would be most peoples natural reaction I think, if they knew they were hurting someone elses feelings.

 

princess_summer_blue84 The tears still keep coming, but I'm still living in the hopes that he'll miss me and decide he made a mistake.

 

Needle The not calling or texting is killing me to be honest. But I know I have to give him some space or he'll never get the chance to miss me. The feelings I'm having aren't getting any worse, but they're not improving much either. I go through phases of feeling like it was all my fault, I must have done something wrong, to feeling angry at him for hurting me so much. The first 3 days were awful, sobbing uncontrolably all the time, but yestderday I suddenly felt a bit stronger and was able to chat to my parents a bit more without crying. Today I decided to try do a few things I've been putting off for a while (paperwork etc. but only online stuff, y'know - I can't face 'the public' just yet)

 

beauty21 You're right, I do feel betrayed. Its like our lives together were living a lie. I wonder how long he'd felt unhappy? It could have been months - long enough for him to plan his new home at least, and that must take some time.

 

cabman You're right too. I am still hoping and dreaming and praying that we'll get back together, so I'm not even able to start the healing process yet.

 

crazyaboutdogs By not contacting him I'm hoping that it will give him time to think about the way he treated me by bailing out. And hopefully he may start to miss me too.

 

Thanks again, you've all been a real help x

[lost_for_words]

Todays feelings are probably worse than yesterdays. I seem to be thinking about him all the time, even when I'm doing something I stop and have a think.

I find myself wondering if he's missing me, what's he doing right now, I wonder if he thinks I hate him after the last text I sent, all the usual kind of things we all go through I suppose - but its so hard to deal with.

[Needle]

Your situation is exactly the same like what i've been dealin with.. Well im feelin better actually. Thats y i asked u b4 if ure okay with that,

 

i tried not to txt/im/call him but then again at some point i thought: whats the point of doing that while it is me that suffers more and more in each passing day (while idk doess he think of/miss me also). So, yesterday i im'd him and did the jokin n stuff convos (really,im forgetting him by taking him as a friend,and it works for me..(Altho i have 1 worry--u can c in my post btw..) He just wants to be friends with me afterall if u saw my thread i posted. My advice, try to txt him first and act like a friend n0t a lover and keep it that way until he responds something.

[lost_for_words]

I really, REALLY want to text him but I think its all too early, it's only been 2 full days with no contact.

The thing that also worries me is if I see/speak to him at sometime (which may be soon-ish as he left some of his stuff here that I know he wants), what if I'm following these 'rules' about being happy, casual, calm, friendly etc (when inside I'm screaming "Why did you hurt me so much/I'm really hurting/I'm mad as hell at you for the deceit/I still love you") he might think, well she seems ok, I don't know what all her fuss was about in the first few days - she looks pretty well over me already.

This whole thing is a big mess up in my head and I'm so scared he'll NEVER want me back and I only have 1 shot at getting this 100% spot on or I've blown the whole thing.

I know he's keeping himself busy too, going out with friends, visiting family etc. Yes, I have family but I can't burden them all the time and I don't have any friends. So he's able to function normally while I'm the one sat at home heartbroken and not able to get him out of my head.

I just want the hurt to stop

[Needle]

Okay i know how u feel it hurt u so much... but the point of being friendly is to get him back to care about you, and not too put yourself in a hay stack he cant see, if he doesnt care anymore what would you do anyway? Acting you dont care too? If this happens, both of you are in the middle of situation which each of you being an S side magnet, or both of u being U side. While u still want him back.

 

If you has melted down the situation, then you could talk to him m0re easily about anything with both of you can be as objective as you can, then you feel less about the pain that hurt u so much before, and the important thing is to know the reason why he did that to you. After everythings clear u can act freely to move on or to get back with him(dpends on the situation) Of course, not an instant thing to do, it takes time.

 

Well at least thats what ive been doing...i hope our situation can get better for both of us.. Cuz im in the middle of this phase also, lemme know if u got a better idea, good luck u there..

[bar35]

many others have said this already but i'll throw my two bits in here. it will get better. you really will feel better. i know that it may be nearly impossible to believe but you will. As for worrying about what you said to him, try not to. if he is anywhere near mature he will understand that your lashing out was an extension of your hurt, it is perfectly natural and real. Hang in there. I went through complete hell, didn't think that i would end up where i am now but through complete dedication to myself and toward consistent growth i pulled myself out of one of the darkest holes i have ever been in. The people on this site are AMAZING. The support is so powerful and the experiences that you share will be understood and felt and received with care. Be well. Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up as time passes. Be gentle and loving toward yourself yet be strong and willing to grow. That is the best advice that i can give having gone through this over the last year.

[LDRnewbi]

hi lost for words,

 

just wanted to write and say it'll be ok. i know it's hard to see this now, but you'll get over this and be able to move on.

 

I came accross this website that helped me with my breakup. hope it helps

 

link removed

[lost_for_words]

I did it. I text him. Not sure how I feel about it really. Maybe I shouldn't have done it but I did and I can't take it back now.

I sent him a light hearted message saying I'd found a few bits and pieces that belong to him and that I'd get them back to him sometime.

He replied immediately saying he didn't think he'd ever hear from me again, but was glad I'd got in touch.

We sent a couple of messages back and forth, me telling him that I'd been busy the last few days, but I didn't tell him WHAT I'd been doing (he doesn't need to know I've not done much really), then I casually ended the messages saying I would let him get on with what he was up to, said it was nice to chat and left it there.

He relied again saying that it was good to hear from me, and that hopefully we'd speak soon.

I felt a bit better having made some contact, but I know he's not even thought about coming back - I could just tell from what he said. He never once asked how I was doing.

 

I'll have a read of that website LDRnewbi - At first glance it looks rather interesting, thanks.