2 months later - don't I have a right to still be healing

[No Spaces Rob]

She broke up with me a couple of months ago (5 month close relationship, I'm 27/male). I didn't want to break up and was hurt. I didn't understand why she did it and still don't.

 

I work with her, and she and I have a lot of mutual friends. It means I am around her absolutely all the time.

 

I somehow feel as if I am expected to be completely over it by now, and the fact that I'm not just makes me some kind of obsessive freak. The truth is, I am still wondering why she broke up with me and still hurting, whereas she (and any mutual friends who know about the break-up) seem to be getting on with enjoying their lives, and nobody has spoken about the break-up in a very long time - except for one mutual friend I tried to talk to about it, who told me to go see a counsellor instead because it wasn't normal to be still awkward around her 2 months later.

 

If anything it is getting worse. When I am around her at work or at parties, or out with friends, it feels like rejection all the time. I feel as if I am on the outside wondering why everybody else seems to understand why she dumped me but I don't. When she is nice to me, which she often is, it feels good. But that is so wrong, because I know I am just wishing we were close like we once were.

 

I am going away with friends for a weekend in the country - this weekend, and she is one of them.

 

Is it stupid of me to stay friends with these people when it means spending so much time with her? I mean, I would have to actually ditch all these other friends if I didn't want to be around her. Is it bad of me not to be naturally friends again after this much time? I hear conflicting things.

 

Isn't it really weird that everyone expects me to just be friends with her and be over it? I find it really weird. And I was speaking to my friend (who is also her friend) and saying that I didn't feel comfortable around her, and that friend was basically telling me that I had to put up with it, because otherwise I would be sending 'the wrong message'.

 

I seem to be feeling worse about this all the time, and I still wonder why she broke up with me, and I wish I didn't care about it anymore.

[Censored]

Hi Rob,

 

I don't think you're weird at all. I totally understand your post and where you are coming from. I actually think that these "friends" giving you advice are a little on th naive side.

 

I have to be honest with you, I think you are fairing better than I would be. Personally I probabl wuld have disassociated myself from the group if i was still feeling traumatised/upset by the break-up.

 

I don't really think that it serves any purpose to be around this girl anyore than you have to be. Their happiness at the moment seems to be your misery.

 

I would not go with them this wekend, i really wouldn't.

LOL, if you need an excuse tell em some dork on eNA asked you over to his local for a pisson session (I'm in Melbourne too)

 

You don't need to tell them why you are not around the social circle as much, just politely decline things and go out with other friends.

 

The whole working scenario is a freaking nightmare, I have been in a similar one where my g/f and i went to UNI together, all the same classes, only a small course of 60 people and after two years she bailed on me (after getting it on wih someone else) anyhow, i did not handle that well. I had a whole year of feling like crap. I know what i should have done now, but back then i was young and well a little naive to my own emotions.

 

 

Distance yourself, remove yourself from the situation, get out of there as fast as you can, don't hang around after office hours, be polite to her but do not discuss your relationship with any of her mutual friends.

 

Ok, i hope atleast a little understanding helps.

[No Spaces Rob]

I had a whole year of feling like crap. I know what i should have done now, but back then i was young and well a little naive to my own emotions.

 

Hey thanks for your reply! So what do you think you should have done back then?

 

I don't think I can really back out of this weekend now without making somewhat of a spectacle; it would be really unexpected and I think it would be a bit attention-drawing which I don't really think I should be and it would make me look weak.

 

On the other hand it would be nice. Right after the weekend I am taking 2 weeks of leave and I am just going to get away from it all - all friends, everyone - and go travelling around the country on my own.

 

Would it be a crap idea to let people know I am still kind of healing after the breakup? Also it could just be my imagination, but I get the sense at times that people assume I was one to break it off and so she's the one that needs support - I guess it shouldn't matter - but I just feel a little excluded at times now.

[mbird]

Come have a beer with me in sydney, I'm flying out on tuesday from the UK.

 

In all seriousness, you need time for yourself and I think it's a great idea to get away on your own. Get your head sorted, meet some new peoples maybe a few girls and just relax. Forget about back home. I'm sure you will feel great when you come back. Open your mind

[Censored]

Hey Rob,

 

Well in hindsight, i would have started doing things with individuals within my mutual friends group. So go to the pub with one or two of them, and not have her around. BUT you do not talk about her at the pub, no matter how much you may want to.

 

This is about you trying to move on, and have a life after her. Trust me when i say, no matter who you say things to about her, if they are part of the mutual group, it will get around. You don't need that happening, b/c like with everything, chinese whispers always get distorted and embellished.

 

I think you also need to accept that you are a good person, someone that can feel very deeply for someone and also be very hurt by them. There is nothing wrong with that, it is not a flaw, it is actually a good thing in many ways.

 

Being sensitive to hurt should not be seen as a weakness, embrace it a little and say to yourself, I am hurt because i actually gave a darn about her.

 

Again, i would be doing everything in my power to get away from the weekend, feign illness or something (I have a sense that deep down you are hoping that you may still reconcile with her) If that's the case, then DEFINETLY don't go.

 

Oh BTW whilst she may seem all "over it" and hapy, don't be surprised if it is a bit of a front. It may not be, but don't be surprised if it is.

 

Why did she break up with you? Was it space issues, neediness issues.......what? This is an important part of the story if you want some real insight from some of the other posters on here, as her reasons can help shape and mold the responses, and actions that you will get.

 

 

 

There are some very insightful people on this site.

[Optigan]

Are those mutual friends really that great? The one that told you to go to counseling because it's too much to still be healing after two months sounds like a genuinely stupid person, I must say. Are they all like that? If they are, why not simply give up on the whole bunch unless they have something outrageously fun to offer (I'm thinking like, zero gravity or something similar - then I'd think about putting up with that kind of bull).

[dd]

I agree with the others, take a break from going out with friends. Perhaps tell someone in the circle that can keep it confidential and that may understand your situation. Have some time to yourself and have a great time on your vacation.

 

I'd be curious to find out why she broke up with you too? I like Niceguyloses response to that she may be putting up a front too....

[No Spaces Rob]

 

Why did she break up with you? Was it space issues, neediness issues.......what? This is an important part of the story if you want some real insight from some of the other posters on here, as her reasons can help shape and mold the responses, and actions that you will get.

 

The truth is that I don't really know or understand why she broke up with me; from my perspective it seemed that she suddenly didn't want to spend time with me anymore, and she was very reluctant to try and explain it (going silent, telling me she 'had too much respect for me' to tell me what was wrong). There was a lot of talk about her not believing that she 'deserved' me, and I don't know why. She also blamed her depression, and that she was going through a 'bad' time and that she didn't want anyone to be around her at the time, though in my mind this doesn't explain why the permanent break-up or that she is happy again since breaking up. She said at one time 'let's just say girls are weird and leave it at that' and at another time she said 'don't think of it as being dumped' - though I still don't know what I ought to think of it as. She kept reiterating that she still loved me as well, but as of now I guess words are easy and she was probably saying that because she felt guilty.

[JadedStar]

I think that you seeing her at work and still being in the same social circles is what is impeding your healing. A five month relationship ending will hurt, yes, and for some more than others. But after two months the healing would probably be far more evident if you were not constantly remidned of "what was" by seeing her and mutual friends.

 

Do everything in your power to avoid her and those mutual friends and work on the healing process. We don't always get to understand WHY someone broke up with us. And hoenstly no explanations are actually required. Sometimes it just wasn't working out for them like it was for us and we have to accept it. Her reasons for the break up sound like they are coming from someone who just wanted out but she is trying to come up with things to spare you pain. For me I never really needed to know "why" so much as i just knew they wanted out and that was all i needed to hear. Don't want nobody who don't want me... the song goes..

 

She wanted out. That is sometimes all we need to know. It just didn't work out. Hang in there and try to remove yourself from as much of being around her as you can to move on quicker.

[No Spaces Rob]

Thanks for all your help.

 

I have decided to go this weekend rather than to get out of it - I had already committed to paying and I think that pulling out would be rude and petty. I am going to go, and try not to let myself have thoughts or assumptions about people not liking me anymore - these are my friends after all.

 

After some hard thinking about it it occurred to me that I have accepted the break-up quite well - she wasn't right for me, having more problems than you could list, but none that would prevent her being friends with someone. I am not still angry about her reasons for leaving. My previous post about not understanding the reasons for the breakup were simply in response to NiceGuyLoses' post as he thought the reasons for the break-up might be relevant to the discussion. When I am with her and not with any of that group of friends things seem fine - we seem to get along as friends, albeit not close friends anymore, but it's not uncomfortable at all as I have accepted that she isn't the one for me. Hehe maybe that will change if she meets a new guy.

 

It only seems to be painful and awkward when I am with that group of friends and the ex is there, because of the way I feel excluded by the other friends, and I don't think I can blame my ex for that - it's just circumstances - they're mostly female anyway so they have lots to talk about together. It's selfish of me but I wish that they were 'my friends' and more supportive of me at the moment. It has caused me loss of sleep, etc at times that I feel as if I am losing them all as friends. I see them all at work you see and we have lunch together and sometimes do stuff together outside work.

 

I may be uncomfortable at times this weekend but when it all comes down to it, I get along well individually with every single person there - I just feel a bit left out when they are all together. I'll endeavour to maintain my dignity and not whine to anybody about how I feel or mention who did what in the breakup. And if I think I am an interesting person then I might come accross as one.

 

And after I get home I'll prepare for a 2 week holiday away from it all.

[mintblossom]

That's the way I feel - I was in a 3 month relationship and it's been a month.....shouldn't I feel happy and well by now? But I'm still sad and wish I were still close to him. I don't think he really had a reason to break up with me.....except I think he's commitmentphobic - that is the closest answer and the only one that really fits.

 

So, I feel like a loser to still be grieving.

[beebee]

ive read your initial post and i do have to tell you that your friends are not very considerate... im not even sure they should be considered friends actually...

 

you are not wrong for feeling as you do... not at all... your friends just want you to "get over it" so they dont have to deal with you... of course, if it happened to one of them, they would be acting just as you are right now, with the same questions and feelings... they are selfish darling and possibly cruel... i would be in such pain and i would get blank stares from whatever friend i was talking to about my breakup... i had questions just as you do and everything was pure speculation from my end... no closure at all from my ex... but my friends could have cared less... or where they my friends?... or was i just going on and on too much saying the same things over and over again ad nauseum and they just got tired of hearing it?... probably the latter...

 

i didnt have to put up with being around my ex at all... nor was i in the company of "our" friends at all... this is where you are hurting... to see her constantly is like opening the wound over and over again and i can see why you feel as you do...

 

i guess i would say to you that you may have to distance yourself from them for a bit... they will know why you are doing it and probably make fun of you for it, but as ive said before, one day it will happen to them... then theyll know how you feel... but until that time, you will have to concern yourself with only yourself, just as they are only concerned about themselves... sigh... its tough out there darling... i do with you luck...

 

hugs... beebee

[No Spaces Rob]

I'm feeling really low at the moment I've been crying.

 

So I am going away this weekend. Unfortunately it seems to have been organised such that I don't get a space in either of the cars that are going up there, so I am going to make my way there on my own. Pulling out at this stage would be ridiculous and would be seen as a hissy fit. When I committed to going there with them, it was a long time ago and I had no idea I would feel this way. I'm not even sure what I feel, it is just a sense I have that I am excluded or that they don't want me around anymore, and it is highly likely that it is just something wrong with me - paranoia.

 

I get along well with all these people, I just don't know what is up with me at the moment.

 

I'm going to try and get plenty of sleep tonight and I'll try and treat this weekend the best I can, as an opportunity to get to know some friends better.

 

I was talking to my sister about it tonight and she's normally supportive but I think she is now very over it and thinks I am somewhat pathetic and should just 'get over' it. I spoke to my dad for a while and he agreed that pulling out now would not be the best of ideas, that I should go and make the best of it I can and assume that everybody there likes me. And I guess, if they don't, it's their loss.

 

I hate the fear that I am breaking up with all my friends over this.

[princess_summer_blue84]

Hey Rob,

 

ur not weird at all! Yes I honestly think u have the right to still be healing ur lost and the pain. It takes people different times to heal. I know that I'm still healing but I'm taking mine one day at a time and I thank GOD that he has been by my side pushing me every step of the way and also it's really important to have friends that cares about what ur going through that tends to help the situation out a lot.

[Locke2121]

Why not take a friend of your own? Preferably a lady friend. Doesn't have to be a date..just someone from your side of the social circle that you can spend time with this weekend. I'm sure there are dozens of great gals who would jump at the chance for an impromptu weekend getaway.

[No Spaces Rob]

i'd love to have organised something like that but unfortunately it's far too late. Also i don't think it would be appropriate to try and make her jealous or anything like that.

[Locke2121]

I didn't say anything about making her jealous! I said take a friend that you could hang out with this weekend. Its sort of an emotional harbor that can help you keep your cool.

 

If your ex chooses to get jealous, thats her problem. And why organize? Just find a likely single girl and ask her if she has plans for this weekend.

[melrich]

I wondered why all these posts were so balanced and right on the money. Then I realised we have some fellow Melbournites here! (even a Sydneysider).

 

I really agree with Niceguyloses that given your frame of mind you are really putting yourself through hell going away with her this weekend, do you really think you will enjoy it.

 

I don't think all your mates have just forgotten about it. I think they are probably just shy of talking about it with you. They probably know the pain it causes you.

 

There is no easy answer to this. You shouldn't give up your mates but maybe you should try and engineer things a bit so there is less contact with her for a while.

[No Spaces Rob]

Thanks for all your responses. Good to see so many Melbourne people indeed. I think I will learn my lesson from this weekend and try not to put myself in similar situations in future.

[No Spaces Rob]

Weekend is more than half over now. Posting this from my phone. I know, i'm a geek.

 

Anyhow major tensions have arisen. Not directly with me though. With my ex and our mutual female friend. I tried to offer comfort but realised i was useless so went to bed as everyone else did. Wish i had thought to reassure her by saying they are such good friends i am sure theY will sort it out. They appear to be sorting it out now anyway in the kitchen. Hope things are ok. Do't want to be caught in middle. They are having deep and meaningful. Hope things are good. They appear to be laughing a bit. Still slightly depressed that they seem to have become such good friends after our breakup. Selfish i know. Will think about it.

 

Not sure if there are sexuality issues with friend. Given she made a pass at my ex earlier - kind of as a joke. And says she is attracted to women.

 

I was slightly depressed earlier.

 

I really like them as friends and my hope is that this event tonigt eases tension in our group and with them and me, but also fear it could be other way around.

 

They are still talking. I wish i could get over this depression over our friends becoming closer friends with my ex than me. It's unreasonable but i do feel bad about it. At the same time i feel guilty for thinking this event tonight might change things. Though right now they seem to be having am intimate convo. Which makes me jealous. Sad.

 

Must sleep. See how things are in morning. I think they'll be closer than ever. I hate that that feels bad to me. Wish either of them liked little old me. See ya. *embarrassed*