Getting Back Together?

[CreoUCLA]

I posted this in the NC Challenge thread, but I thought I'd post it in the general forum since not all of us read there...

 

Last night I had a revelation. I hung out with a good friend for most of the afternoon/evening, spilling my guts out about the ex who left me reeling nearly 1.5 months ago. In the middle of dinner, I started really getting to the root of the negative aspects of her and our relationship.

 

I realized that what I had these past ~6 years was one-sided love. I always gave, gave, gave... She reciprocated very little to me. She was jealous, insecure, feared abandonment, etc. Not healthy (for me). She was only "happy" when I did things for her. I saw that we both grew apart this past year, because I think I was finally tired of it (that and she became attracted to the co-worker she is now with). I was finally starting to do things for me, and not for my selfish/self-absorbed ex. I got tired of being used and taken for granted. Now, this doesn't mean that I am free from any blame... But I took the past several weeks to recognize my mistakes, and I have learned/grown from them.

 

Do I love her? No, not anymore. I'm done putting quarters into a broken gum ball machine. Do I miss her? I think only the idea of her. In fact, I just feel sorry for her. I am getting on with my life, and I will find a love that is both reciprocal and makes me a better person. She will continue to base her life decisions on immediate feelings and gratification, with little regard to others. I honestly wish her the best with the new guy, and I hope that he can make her happy. However, I don't think that she will ever be able to love anyone else until she works on/learns to love herself.

 

I forgive her, but I doubt I will ever want to get back together with her. I have deleted the e-mail address/AIM sn that she contacts me at, and I plan to change my cell phone # when I move back to her area in a few months. I'm making a fresh start for my myself. Sure, she can still get in touch with me if she tries hard enough... But, I honestly don't care anymore. I am working on myself to become a better person, and I will stay single until I am healed so that I can give 100% to the next woman I'm with. I will trust and love with an open mind and heart again.

 

Did she ever really love me? I don't know. I think she was in love with the feelings/support/love I gave her. As soon as I started to focus on myself just as much as her, she ran to someone that gave her all of the attention she wanted. Remember everyone, love is a gift. It is not an obligation or a way to feel validated. If you're not getting back what you give, it's better for your own sake that you let go and move on. There is someone out there who will cherish you!

 

Good luck to everyone! I truly understand the pain that you're going through. But, our ex's chose to leave us. We are the prize, and one day you all will see that too. Whether it be getting yourself back, healed, hoping your ex comes back, etc... You have to accept the situation for what it is, let go, and move on. Like SuperDave71 always says, it's how you use this time. That's what got me over a nearly 6 year relationship where I thought she was "the one" in only 1.5 months. My confidence, optimism, self-dignity/worth are all back. Thank you eNA!

 

Getting Back Together? Yes I did... I got back together with myself, and the future is going to be awesome.

 

Lastly, I am reminded by Gone With the Wind (I watched it last week);

 

Rhett Butler: I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left of life of charm and grace. Do you know what I'm talking about?

 

Scarlett O'hara: No, I only know that I love you.

 

Rhett Butler: That's your misfortune.

 

Scarlett O'hara: If you go, where shall I go, what shall I do?

 

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

 

 

 

-Mike-

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good for you! Your ex will not be happy in her new relationship because she is not happy within herself...she defines her self worth by what others do for her and how others perceive her. That is her misfortune. You have the capacity to love and to give and those qualities allow you to have a happier life because there are always people around to share those qualities with...when all people know is how to take...they are constantly looking for someone to take from and they have no ability to self-soothe because their "happiness" (as happy as they ever will be) depends on what others can give them.

 

Gone with the Wind is a great movie!

[crookster_man]

Good for you, you might still have down days but remember this post. You spoke very true.

[theonethatiwant]

Congratulations-your story is mine to a t....as long as the focus was on him and his stuff he was "in love" not that he didn't try to be there for me but the road to hell is paved with good intentions...he just couldn't do it - he couldn't live without the constant support and all for more than a few weeks. If I needed to deal with my life for a bit then I wasn't "listening" to him. Like your ex he is now in a rebound relationship and I wish him well though experience tells me he will not go far with it before he is unsatisfied again.

 

You are well on the way. Don't be surprised if there are a few bumps in the ensuing months but that's normal.

 

Thanks for the reminder that we are the treasure.

[rootcause43]

Lastly, I am reminded by Gone With the Wind (I watched it last week);

 

Rhett Butler: I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left of life of charm and grace. Do you know what I'm talking about?

 

Scarlett O'hara: No, I only know that I love you.

 

Rhett Butler: That's your misfortune.

 

Scarlett O'hara: If you go, where shall I go, what shall I do?

 

Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

 

 

 

-Mike-

 

Too many people think that Gone With the Wind is a chick flick. I sure don't think it is. Clark Gable is a great role model. Gave unconditional love and understanding for as long as he could, but then... well, sometimes it is time to just no longer give a damn! Great post Mike!!

[CreoUCLA]

when all people know is how to take...they are constantly looking for someone to take from and they have no ability to self-soothe because their "happiness" (as happy as they ever will be) depends on what others can give them.

 

As sad as it is, that is the truth... I was giving her the benefit of the doubt that she was using this time to work on and learn to love herself. But, it was all a lie. She's basically testing to see if the "grass is greener," and keeping me around as a back-up in case it isn't. While I may have pleaded, begged, and cried during the first week, she fails to realize how strong a person I really am (I was fine on my own before I met her!). As soon as the guy or her can't meet the unrealistic demands she places, she'll hit the proverbial "brick wall." But, I'll be long gone...

 

Good for you, you might still have down days but remember this post. You spoke very true.

 

Thank you! I know that I will still have ups and downs, which is the main reason I know that I'm not ready to date anyone right now. It's not in my best interest to delay the pain, and avoid the problems like she is. But, I will meet people and keep my eyes open.

 

If I needed to deal with my life for a bit then I wasn't "listening" to him. Like your ex he is now in a rebound relationship and I wish him well though experience tells me he will not go far with it before he is unsatisfied again.

 

Oh, I know how that goes! I moved twice around the country for her... She was going to medical school here in S.F. At the first chance she got, to continue her goals, she moved back to L.A. (where we're both originally from) from S.F. to begin her 3rd year rotations. This was last September (2006). I was still in S.F., because I am still finishing my MBA/M.S. program up here. All I ever got was, "Just move down here already!" She could have easily stayed up here for another year and done her rotations in this area. Instead, she only thought about her best interests... To add insult to injury, she only visited me twice since moving away over a year ago. Once was because of a test she had to take at her school.

 

Furthermore, earlier this year I went to Asia (Seoul, Beijing, and Shanghai) for a study tour put on by my MBA program for two weeks, and she was absolutely livid. Excuse me? I have always supported her dreams/goals, and the least she could do was the same for me. Nope. She started complaining to the old co-worker that she is now with, saying who knows what about how "neglecting" I am. Right. *snicker* And thus began her emotional cheating...

 

Good riddance!

 

I love this part of Keith Urban's song, You'll Think of Me;

 

Someday I'm gonna run accross your mind

Don't worry, I'll be fine

I'm gonna be alright

While you're sleeping with your pride

Wishing I could hold you tight

I'll be over you

And on with my life

 

 

 

Thanks for the reminder that we are the treasure.

 

You're welcome!

 

Gave unconditional love and understanding for as long as he could, but then... well, sometimes it is time to just no longer give a damn! Great post Mike!!

 

Thanks, and that's exactly how I feel now!

 

-Mike-

[The_411]

Mike youe ex sounds a lot like mine. They're both controlling and need to have men who are their footservants. It stems from extreme immaturity. In my ex's case she's had a lot of bad things happen to ehr so she can't trust people and as a result she uses self destructive behavior as a coping mechanism. Sounds like your ex needs to do some introspection. Mine is so screwed up it would take an act from God to turn her around.

 

Everyone that knew both me and her knew that I did everything for my ex and she took and took. Part of it ws my fault as I was too submissive, but she's got serious serious character flaws. She'll be getting the real short of the stick in the next 1-2 years.

 

Mike,

 

we're the winners here as we didn't settle for women who could handle true relationships. So ssad these days how screwed up people are. Hard to find decent people anymore.

[Crows]

My ex got scared of a couple arguments and that she felt the would lead to a horrible relationship. THe only real arguments we had were them. She had some terrible relationships before and witnessed her best friend having one for two years. IT's her decision. SHe's seeing now what she's missing.

[CreoUCLA]

It stems from extreme immaturity. In my ex's case she's had a lot of bad things happen to ehr so she can't trust people and as a result she uses self destructive behavior as a coping mechanism. Sounds like your ex needs to do some introspection.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. My ex has a lot of issues stemming from her parent's relationship with her. Her mom was always putting her down. She would tell my ex that she wasn't good enough, that she was a burden, and that she was ugly. Her mom was always trying to change my ex to her ideal, and destroying her self-esteem in the process.

 

I actually realized that the initial break/break-up was for the best, because she could work on herself. But, ever since I found out that she jumped into another relationship, I realized that she's never going to be healthy. She's just masking the inner problems she has with someone that makes her "feel good" for the time being. That will be fleeting, and she'll be hurt... badly. Unfortunately, the guy she's seeing won't have the patience/compassion that I have, but I hope I am wrong.

 

Everyone that knew both me and her knew that I did everything for my ex and she took and took. Part of it ws my fault as I was too submissive, but she's got serious serious character flaws. She'll be getting the real short of the stick in the next 1-2 years.

 

Everyone tells me the same! I was always submissive/trying to make her happy, because I knew she was insecure. I wanted to help support her and raise her self-esteem. But, it wasn't good enough for her. Since I wasn't around (LDR), she found someone else to latch onto. That is not love.

 

Mike,

 

we're the winners here as we didn't settle for women who could handle true relationships. So ssad these days how screwed up people are. Hard to find decent people anymore.

 

Thank you. Yes, it is quite difficult to find decent people... But have faith that there are people out there for us, who will allow us to look back on all of this with nothing more than a smile and some good memories. I have learned so much about relationships and myself in the past 1.5 months, and I can truly say that everything has, and will, happen for the best!

 

-Mike-

[CreoUCLA]

An update...

 

So she tracked me down by e-mailing a response to another e-mail address (I wonder how she felt when the first e-mail bounced back? haha);

 

"i don't know what you mean 'move on.' i still want us to be friends. and, there's no new relationship, just hanging out again. still working on myself.

sincerely, xxx"

 

She is a walking contradiction... So confused, so emotionally immature... I am done, and it feels great!

 

-Mike-

[crookster_man]

An update...

 

So she tracked me down by e-mailing a response to another e-mail address (I wonder how she felt when the first e-mail bounced back? haha);

 

"i don't know what you mean 'move on.' i still want us to be friends. and, there's no new relationship, just hanging out again. still working on myself.

sincerely, mel"

 

She is a walking contradiction... So confused, so emotionally immature... I am done, and it feels great!

 

-Mike-

 

Sometimes you need to cut the cancer out to kill it.

 

Stay strong and when you falter, read your words again. They are true.

[CreoUCLA]

Sometimes you need to cut the cancer out to kill it.

 

Stay strong and when you falter, read your words again. They are true.

 

I won't be contacting her. I've found my peace...

 

-Mike-